Q Report; Alan Maki

[Q Report.]

To: Subgenius, Politicos, Guild Members, The President of the United States, and The Mindslave Nation.
CC: Alan Maki


Sirs and Madams,

It has recently come to Guild attention that one of our agents has encountered a mission assignment from a web source identifying himself as “Alan Maki”. Grainy digital images depict a rotund, belligerent man hell bent on ruining the cover of an Agent. It is imperative that the will of this obviously insane man be quenched through whatever means necessary. To that end I submit the following intercepted communication. It can still be linked to, but God knows for how much longer before the entire works collapses around our ears.


The Following was Intercepted by an IP Address by Counter Agents secured in an Undisclosed Wooded location. Their digital capture is as follows;

[Begin Interception]

Mr. Jeremiah Liend;

In fact, you know the problems casino workers face; I have stated these problems over and over again... and you have done nothing. I assume you are a mouthpiece for the Minnesota Indian Gaming Association.

You also know there is a political solution to the problems and injustices casino workers are experiencing and so do each and everyone of the politicians I mentioned along with the 200 plus politicians sitting in the Minnesota State Legislature.

Here are the problems; I am numbering them for you:

1. 40,000 casino workers in Minnesota are employed in smoke-filled casinos.

The solution: Ban the smoking just as smoking has been banned in all other places of employment in Minnesota.

2. 40,000 casino workers in Minnesota have no rights under state, federal or tribal labor laws.

The solution: Re-open the "Compacts" and insert a clause that casino workers have the same rights as all other workers under state and federal labor laws.

3. 40,000 casino workers in Minnesota receive poverty wages.

The solution: Pay casino workers $40,000.00 a year like the politicians, the Indian Gaming Associations and tribal governments claim casino workers will be paid when they are seeking approval for their "Compacts."

4. 40,000 casino workers in Minnesota have no voice at work.

The solution: Support casino workers in their struggle for union contracts.

Now, as far as what you can do:

1. You print off this e-mail.

2. Go have coffee with these two fine politicians that you know.

3. Ask them what they intend to do to make things right and just.

[End Interception]

An official response is pending from a Agent Liend and proceeds as follows:

[Begin Response]


My Lord, it’s like the Pepsi challenge only mundane. I guess that there’s nothing for it then. Got to find out if I am indeed a mouthpiece. Sweet Jesus a Mouth Piece. Sounds like a term they’d use in the joint.

“Hey Mouth Piece! Why don’t you put down that barbell and give me some sugar?”

Prison is not all that fun I suspect. So it’s very important I maintain these directives. I’m one to go changing a plan mid stream and no one should be left to contend with the insane deviations even slight modification could entail. For instance.

1. You print off this e-mail.

2. Go have coffee with these two fine politicians that you know.

3. Ask them what they intend to do to make things right and just.

4. Have sex with them.

It’s a carrot to be sure. But one worth pursuing? A man must motivate himself these days if he is to succeed. This is a generation where the slack is all around you, and only those taught enough to keep their heads in the game get somewhere. Then there are poor unfortunates like myself who simply enjoy doing nothing so fucking much it hurts. Or rather enjoy doing whatever the hell I feel like. One day you might write an opera. Another you will sword fight fruit. Keep an eye on granny for a couple months and how much for a ticket to Rome? A ticket to roam is what we all desire. It’s the freedom that keeps us from moving to Serbia.

It’s a damnable situation. The fact is I know the fucker’s right. Probably it is worrisome to work in a casino. Surely the Natives have been getting the raw deal since word go. If it’s any consolation my people got here after the wars. Well… after the genocide anyhow. And the family that was here before it were more than likely French and I think the French were fairly OK to Natives back in the day. Worked together to hunt beaver. Everyone hates beavers.

More important than helping any one minority though, I resent the implication that I don’t give a fuck just because I give more of a fuck about everyone. I also take issue with someone thinking they can do better. Still. He gave me instructions. I asked for them and he gave them. So I would be the asshole to ignore them. My memories fail, let me read up to this point and continue. OH RIGHT! He’s a lunatic and a fool. Let’s see how we can tear this up…

1. 40,000 casino workers in Minnesota are employed in smoke-filled casinos.

Alan’s solution: Ban the smoking just as smoking has been banned in all other places of employment in Minnesota.

Q: You can’t just ban smoking on the places where the people who first started smoking came from. Holy shit man. Are you completely fucktarded? Do you remember when we were purchasing things like Manhattan with chests of beads? What the natives had was this substance more addictive than heroin. America was build with the money from tobacco farms. It isn’t just poison either. Before the white man stole it was a spiritual substance. Like the Eucharist or Hallucinogenic Mushrooms. You want the government to ban smoking on a sovereign nation? Do you eat hallucinogens? The only thing the reservations have going for them is the fact that the government doesn’t stick their dick past the fence. You can call them for help if you need it, but it is not the United States. There is a border and once you cross it you are on sacred land. The last patches of a civilization that could be lost. A culture that was robbed of it’s tradition and herded into the woods. You want me, to go to a member of office and say;

“I want you to arrest anyone smoking indoors.”

Who would enforce that? I think your problem is that you don’t know whose in charge. Or you do, and you think you would do a better job. Either way you don’t understand anything.

2. 40,000 casino workers in Minnesota have no rights under state, federal or tribal labor laws.

Alan’s solution: Re-open the "Compacts" and insert a clause that casino workers have the same rights as all other workers under state and federal labor laws.

Q: Really? No one is giving these folks rights? Not even the tribes that own the casinos? Because, although I understand they ship in the machines, I am fairly certain the tribes own the casinos. I’ve been to a few. Talked to the owners. They were Native American and members of the tribe that owned the casino. Maybe I need to go to more casinos? I just can’t stand all the fucking smoke.

3. 40,000 casino workers in Minnesota receive poverty wages.

The solution: Pay casino workers $40,000.00 a year like the politicians, the Indian Gaming Associations and tribal governments claim casino workers will be paid when they are seeking approval for their "Compacts."

Q: Holy fuck man!? $40K a year!? Starting!? You can’t get that with a college degree these days! You can’t make that pimping, I’ve tried! My father died in a lumber mill making half that and thanked Jesus every morning for it! Here’s another grand idea; We Can Buy Everyone a Candy Bar. Get behind that fiction because ain’t no one gonna make 40K in this day and age. This is how Union bosses are made. You are made to be a big fucking union boss my friend. Just a big fat man on a fence watching the members toil. Because that’s how unions work I’m afraid. You talk about mafia support of the casinos, which is fun and all, but if you have not heard about it, the Teamsters have been known to cut a man or two. Maybe just work them over for dues. I worked for a union once. Far as I could tell I had to give them my money or I wouldn’t get the job and in return I got to keep giving them my money. How about this as a compromise: Give everyone a gun, 40K, and a brand new car! Or!? The mystery box.

4. 40,000 casino workers in Minnesota have no voice at work.

The solution: Support casino workers in their struggle for union contracts.

Q: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Unite them! Unite them for change! You go ahead and do that. See my problem is that I am not going to march into someone’s house and tell them to fix it. The world’s problems are mine, but I solve the ones that belong to me. I have long considered the plight of the Native American. Long and hard and hard and long. It has kept me awake at night as sure as worry for our mutual futures. My greatest worry is that they will go extinct. That a combination of genetics and culture will wipe them off the face of America. They are an inspiring people. I grew up surrounded by reservations and have always been amazed by their lavish culture and rich heritage. I am an American Mutt. To see a people that have remained so long through war and genocide and tribulation is a testament to the enduring human spirit and continuity of a story we can none of us see the end to. Does that mean I’m going to storm into their homes and tell them their business. Fuck no. Because I respect that it is their land and their world. They have been given an opportunity to create a world for themselves and no white man, no matter how well intentioned, deserves to command them. If they are to unite then it will be with the uncompromising strength of a man yet seen. The lost hero of their age arrived to begin the ghost dance once again and unite a people. I am not this hero and I can assure you neither are you.

[End Response]

This is an all points command to execute Operation Shadowed Elephant. Confirm information on Alan Maki and prepare 24/7 Live Wire to go hot. The muffin is in the bread box, the nun is in the chestnut.

[End Report]

Comments

Duke said…
Sometimes this makes sense, sometimes it does not. Almost contradictory. I think you need a drink.

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