Low-Jack the Children.

Imagine. There you are, waiting for little Billy Buckstrap or darling Suzy Bluedress to get of the bus when no one disembarks. Your little one has been abducted and you haven’t the first idea of where they’ve gone. Well fear no more, I’ve solved the problem. They're low-jacking pets and computers these days so why not kids? A small tracking device ensures the safety of your animals, computers and cars, but not your most precious commodity, your spawn? Low-jack the little ones. Little microchip under the skin. Oh I know, it brings forth all sort of terrible dark visions of the future, but it’s also a future where we eliminate kidnapping. So how bad can it be?

Reports of missing persons have increased six fold in the past 25 years, from roughly 150,000 in 1980 to about 900,000 this year. To be fair it’s a pretty small percentage that ends up on milk cartons, still out of more than 100,000 missing persons, the vast majority of them children, are designated as endangered each year. About 30,000 are deemed involuntary. So, we stick a chip in them when they get their MMR and blam. Problem solved. We vaccinate against polio which has been all but eliminated but we’re not willing to stick a chip in the little guys? Found a kit for your pet on e-bay for $19.95. Compare that to the man hours wasted on police searching for runaways, kids nabbed by bitter parents, and little ones trapped in culverts. Low-jack the children and we can pass the savings on to you.

I’m not saying we should keep them in past the age of legal consent. You turn 18 and you can have it removed, free of charge. Pen knife and alcohol swab and you’re good to go. The uses go beyond just kidnapping to issues of safety. Where did Joe go? Joe fell down a well. How are we to find him. Ahhhh, lucky we got Joe low-jacked. Within a few short hours emergency personnel found the little guy. The safety doesn’t just have to be for children. Imagine the safety afforded you in a kidnap prone area, Colombia or Iraq for instance. Mr. Jihad has you at AK point intend on sawing off your head, believing no one has any idea where his little cell is hiding. Then a special ops team bursts through the door thanks to your handy dandy subcutaneous implant.

Hell I’d love to get one, but first I need to get this whole health insurance thing going, then maybe we’ll see. There again… $19.95... I could swing that.


Duke said…
I’m sad your blog vanished during our time together…wait, when did you stay with me again for like a month or two? And now:

Is it wrong that I’m all for this. I mean why not? Hell, until a certain age, parents are responsible for the whereabouts of their child anyway. I mean, I suppose there are arguments about trust and proper parenting, but who actually parents properly on this God forsaken Earth? A shocking few. I’d pop one of those chips in if I was visiting someplace unsettling where I might be mistaken for Daniel Day Lewis’s kid while I’m snorkeling. That Halloway chick who vanished in Aruba? Problem solved! Kid found! …and shark tracking research well under way. …too far?

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