The Missile Defense Comedy.
Notes From The Apocalypse. 2013, May 5.
Reporter: I understand that you are now developing a missile proof missile.
General: That is neither confirmed nor denied.
Reporter: Could you tell the lay person the concept behind the missile proof missile?
General: The history of rocketry has it’s roots in ancient China and I don’t see an end in the foreseeable future. In the 19th century the advantage of missile based projectiles as opposed to common artillery could demoralize and confuse ranks of battle hardened troops. War was messy back then, but it’s only gotten messier. The logical answer to the mess was the atomic weapon. It left the mess to the enemy to figure out. Not so much a weapon, as an act of nature. Fusion exists in nature but our command of it is purely human. In the golden years following world war two military powers finally started listening to scientists. One would like to believe that the scientists would win. That stewarded by our leading thinkers we would live in a far less violent world would.
Reporter: Such was not the case.
General: Such was not the case indeed Reporter. Scientists like seeing things explode as much as we in the military do. They just want to do it very far away.
Reporter: But how does this relate to missile defense?
General: What do you mean? I’ve been talking about it since we started.
Reporter: I’m sorry, I was thinking of something else. Go on.
General: Yes. Well… that was a piss poor job at an apology, if that was your intention.
Reporter: I’m sorry! Missiles make me very nervous!
General: And with good reason! Our enemies have thousands of them! It’s the range that matters most. Warfare is entirely about range. If I can fire a missile in Florida to strike a man in Kabul then I have the powers of a God at my fingertips. If I have to put a knife in your throat we’re still in the third world. It’s all a question of range, and tactics.
Reporter: General, as of this interview over half of America has been destroyed. Were more missiles really what we needed?
General: We were so close though! It’s the Anti-Missile Missile! Now I cannot confirm, nor deny, that such a thing exists. But if such a force could be brought to bear, it's value would be immeasurable. They now have possession, or at least our intelligence would indicate their possession, of several anti-missile missiles that were lost in a desert convoy back in ‘95. If this is the case… then there would be, previous the main launch, a dueling salvo of anti-missile missiles tracking, vectoring, and eliminating one another before the main missiles were even considered. It’s all a question of range.
Reporter: And tactics.
General: Yes! Tactics!!
Reporter: May I paint a scenario for you.
General: Please. I have been trained to contend with any possibility that you could conjure with your slick-shit GED and crack team of swordsman infonauts.
Reporter: Suppose that, instead of purchasing and constructing a military fleet, a moderately powerful nation brokered a secret pact with other like minded nations. This clutch of minor world powers would purchase derelict cargo ships and leaky oil tankers and pack their holds with thousands of pounds of TNT, fertilizer, cyanide, locust, nails, and mercury. Suppose even further that a coordinated attack could infiltrate our fresh water ports and naval stations. Then suppose that they exploded these ships thereby depriving us of clean water, the ability to retaliate, and countless civilian casualties. What would be your first command as acting military adviser to the president?
General: Well… your question presumes that we still have a president. I’ll start there and work back. Now what you’ve just laid out was more or less what our intelligence indicates they did to us the first time. They really thought that one through. But to be entirely honest, they don’t need to melt much more. They melted half of America with their initial assault, and this proved to be a glaring error on the part of our missile defense program.
Reporter: You think?
General: No son, I know it was a mistake. It was foolish to believe that missiles were all that important! Why do you think we’re working on the anti-missile missile missile!?
Reporter: You got that? You got that on tape? Good. Shoot him up with enough drugs to stun a horse and drop him out back of that Denny’s we ate ate. God I hate this job.
[End Transcript.]
Reporter: I understand that you are now developing a missile proof missile.
General: That is neither confirmed nor denied.
Reporter: Could you tell the lay person the concept behind the missile proof missile?
General: The history of rocketry has it’s roots in ancient China and I don’t see an end in the foreseeable future. In the 19th century the advantage of missile based projectiles as opposed to common artillery could demoralize and confuse ranks of battle hardened troops. War was messy back then, but it’s only gotten messier. The logical answer to the mess was the atomic weapon. It left the mess to the enemy to figure out. Not so much a weapon, as an act of nature. Fusion exists in nature but our command of it is purely human. In the golden years following world war two military powers finally started listening to scientists. One would like to believe that the scientists would win. That stewarded by our leading thinkers we would live in a far less violent world would.
Reporter: Such was not the case.
General: Such was not the case indeed Reporter. Scientists like seeing things explode as much as we in the military do. They just want to do it very far away.
Reporter: But how does this relate to missile defense?
General: What do you mean? I’ve been talking about it since we started.
Reporter: I’m sorry, I was thinking of something else. Go on.
General: Yes. Well… that was a piss poor job at an apology, if that was your intention.
Reporter: I’m sorry! Missiles make me very nervous!
General: And with good reason! Our enemies have thousands of them! It’s the range that matters most. Warfare is entirely about range. If I can fire a missile in Florida to strike a man in Kabul then I have the powers of a God at my fingertips. If I have to put a knife in your throat we’re still in the third world. It’s all a question of range, and tactics.
Reporter: General, as of this interview over half of America has been destroyed. Were more missiles really what we needed?
General: We were so close though! It’s the Anti-Missile Missile! Now I cannot confirm, nor deny, that such a thing exists. But if such a force could be brought to bear, it's value would be immeasurable. They now have possession, or at least our intelligence would indicate their possession, of several anti-missile missiles that were lost in a desert convoy back in ‘95. If this is the case… then there would be, previous the main launch, a dueling salvo of anti-missile missiles tracking, vectoring, and eliminating one another before the main missiles were even considered. It’s all a question of range.
Reporter: And tactics.
General: Yes! Tactics!!
Reporter: May I paint a scenario for you.
General: Please. I have been trained to contend with any possibility that you could conjure with your slick-shit GED and crack team of swordsman infonauts.
Reporter: Suppose that, instead of purchasing and constructing a military fleet, a moderately powerful nation brokered a secret pact with other like minded nations. This clutch of minor world powers would purchase derelict cargo ships and leaky oil tankers and pack their holds with thousands of pounds of TNT, fertilizer, cyanide, locust, nails, and mercury. Suppose even further that a coordinated attack could infiltrate our fresh water ports and naval stations. Then suppose that they exploded these ships thereby depriving us of clean water, the ability to retaliate, and countless civilian casualties. What would be your first command as acting military adviser to the president?
General: Well… your question presumes that we still have a president. I’ll start there and work back. Now what you’ve just laid out was more or less what our intelligence indicates they did to us the first time. They really thought that one through. But to be entirely honest, they don’t need to melt much more. They melted half of America with their initial assault, and this proved to be a glaring error on the part of our missile defense program.
Reporter: You think?
General: No son, I know it was a mistake. It was foolish to believe that missiles were all that important! Why do you think we’re working on the anti-missile missile missile!?
Reporter: You got that? You got that on tape? Good. Shoot him up with enough drugs to stun a horse and drop him out back of that Denny’s we ate ate. God I hate this job.
[End Transcript.]
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