Q Report; Uncle Sam‘s War on America.

Begin Report.

In the early years of man’s second millennia, The United States of America established itself as the lone remaining super power. This title would be short-lived, as global catastrophe went on to unite the planet as members of one nation; The Survivors. In the intermediary years a military coup was led by now President and Supreme Nazi Commander for Life Obama. This report is about the fugitive Uncle Sam and will provide a more detailed picture of the final days of this doomed republic. It all began with a tea party that escalated into revolution that resulted in sovereignty which resulted in genocide which resulted in prosperity which resulted in depression which resulted in war which resulted in industry which resulted in war which resulted in prosperity which resulted in fecundity which resulted in boredom which resulted in ignorance which resulted in another tea party.

The Second Tea Party Movement can originally be contributed to Ron Paul. A libertarian of the day he believed the tax system was defunct at best, evil at worst. This original impetus gave rise to a general indignation at being poorly represented by rich leaders. The movement was not, as was in the past, started by the poor. Rather it was a movement of the more privileged citizenry, those capable of being taxed. Viral efforts of savvy hate mongers began the sharing of what passed for information those days. Towards the end of the movement rallies by the thousands would listen to the indignant clambering of the privileged condemn the disadvantaged as slothful ignorant byproducts of a decadent age. The stratified and polarized logic of the parties created an unbridgeable gap through which an opportunistic administration drove an M-1 tank through.
It was amidst this mild insurrection that “The Q Report” began dissemination into underground circles. Successfully operating into the year 3000, “The Q Report” began as a simple experiment in the War for Information more commonly referred to as The War on Truth. With the news agencies willingly dropping their pants and laying prostrate before the all encompassing girth of Rupert Murdoch, the only reliable source of information has become fiction. If we are to live in a world of lies, let those lies at least entertain. Q sightings are well known. Any agent can operated out of a mobile broadcasting station. Authenticated Broadcasts have become more erratic as bounties have became more ridiculous. With the advent of the Future Phone, broadcasts began arriving from the Apocalypse in early 2000. The Age of Communication had made Q the Infonauts Champion. A digital samurai roaming the globe through time in search of whatever amusement there yet remained. Preferred method of delivery, an RSS uploaded to a McDonalds WiFi while ordering from the breakfast menu. A 00 agent of the Swashbucklers Guild I have neither IP nor ID. I am Q, rogue agent unchained.

Sarah Palin began the violence. Whatever muddy history books published south of the Mason-Dixon would lead you to believe, it was Palin who struck the first blow. Backed into a corner while defending the necessity of keeping wolf populations in check and unable to muster a logical defense without her herders prompting she pulled a GLOCK .357 SIG from the seductive curves of her inner thigh and put a round right between Oprah’s terror filled eyes. Legend holds in Mexico and Canada that the screams of the nation could be heard for hundreds of miles. A screeching milieu of frightened and armed Americans, all hoarding fuel and digging trenches. Sarah Palin defected the following week and Russia has her buried in some vault somewhere.
No matter Palins whereabouts, after the assassination the real chaos began. Each political party jockeyed and finger pointed. Every American took their stand and dug in their heels. Morality was debated and played with like a pretty dead bird. The Hard-Liners made their case and the parties rallied around the largest bags of air. It seemed that an elephant versus donkey gun fight was inevitable. A borderless civil war between the weak and the willing. Of course this super accelerated the Nazi time table and within weeks everyone in DC was wearing tan. It was at a time when the nation needed him most that Uncle Sam blew up Paul and Babe.

The second most photographed landmark in America, the Paul and Babe statue in Bemidji, Minnesota, was monitored by a 24 hour web cam. Relatively clear footage of their destruction was captured by the Chamber of Commerce server and, once the news agencies received copy, it quickly went to the top of every list. It shows a cherry apple red Hummer H3 Sport Utlitiy Vehicle trailing an oversized American flag crashing into the statues at speed. There is a slight delay before a 6’ 7” elderly male, dressed as a bandolier-clad Uncle Sam, exits the vehicle with a Colt M-4 Carbine duct taped to a Benneli Semi-Automatic 12 Gauge Shotgun. He walks a few feet away from the wrecked vehicle and, from his bandolier, fires a flare pistol round into the vehicle, which erupts in flames. He is then seen throwing an unknown item to the ground before fleeing the scene.

After emergency crews doused the vehicle and police searched the scene it was found to be a handful of teabags. Uncle Sam threw the tea to the ground in front of the Tourist Office before fleeing to destinations unknown. A nation gripped with madness turned to the story with a natural kinship. In what later generations would call the “Second Summer of Sam”, Uncle Sam began his rampage against America. In the beginning it was tourist destinations. Minnesota was particularly hard hit by his opening salvo; Paul and Babe of Bemidji, Paul of Akley, The Biggest Ball of Twine of Darwin, and Saint Peregrine of Collegeville. South Dakota had thought themselves prepared, but Mount Rushmore, and then the still unfinished Crazy Horse Monument were leveled with powerful explosives dropped from camouflaged float planes. The monuments came tumbling down. Then there were banks. Then churches. Then the zoos. Everywhere he destroyed he left a fist full of teabags.

Obama’s Nazi regime formulated a number of contingents to both outpace the destruction and outthink the lunatic. The fear was, of course, that Uncle Sam would come to Washington. And with so many Obama Monuments under conversion. A call went out to the datastream. Agent Q was invited to the White House. My video response was uploaded within an hour of the broadcast. The only man to interview Nazi Obama and live, and now I was being given a second chance. I knew he wanted me to take out Uncle Sam, but I had an angle to work. I loaded up my transport, an aqua blue Lumina I received as a gift, and headed to DC. The minivan was, of course, packed to the gills with explosive countermeasures.

The motorcade met me at the borderlands and I was ushered to the White house. There, Nazi Obama and the girls were playing lawn darts. Wagner from an antique gramophone gently played in the background. I was immediately struck by the vast amount of tan on all sides. So very much tan. The swastikas over the flag had taken some real getting used to. The girls were in lederhosen except for the missus, who had on classic tan. They were a fine looking bunch. I waved and the girls ran to give me hugs.

“Hey Q!” said Nazi Obama.

“Hey, Barry! How’s tricks?” said I. And we laughed and laughed.

We all sat on the porch for a while. Drinking lemonade and playing Yatzee. Then the girls had a Latin lesson and the First Lady of the Fourth Reich had a meeting with a book burning club. I wanted to make sure everything was entirely clear and recorded the meeting for legal purposes.

[Begin Transcript.]
NO: I think you know why I called you here Q.
AQ: You want me to kill Uncle Sam.
NO: Name your price.
AQ: You’re a straight shooter, Barry. I like it when a man tells me to name my price.
NO: What do you want? Honestly, I’ll be glad to get you whatever you desire. I want to know what you want and I will make it my business to go out there and make that happen. You can just think of me as a big, affable, well spoken genie. You want women? The ladies? Because I’ve got them. Buildings full of them. All begging to have your babies. Is that something that interests you? What about dirigibles? I seem to recall some correspondence Al Franken shared with me indicating your desire for a solar dirigible. We can get you a fleet of them. You know what I have too much of? Money and resources. I don’t even know what to do with them. Tell me Agent Q. Tell me how to spend my billions of dollars on things that will bring you joy.
AQ: I can’t think when you ramble on like this!
NO: I’m sorry. You need time to think. I understand that. Would you like some drugs? I have a variety of quality drugs.
AQ: No! No. Later perhaps, but not now. Look, you know that I can’t kill Uncle Sam.
NO: Because you’re a Guild Agent?
AQ: Because I swore an oath not to take a life.
NO: You know what? I respect that. I respect that position, I really do. But you can capture him can’t you?
AQ: I probably can. What of it?
NO: You can capture him and bring him here.
AQ: And then you will kill him.
NO: I don’t need to kill him Q! I just need him to stop burning it all down! I didn’t work this hard to see it burn! I didn’t stage the single greatest coup in history just to have some lunatic in a costume level my golden city! You captured Osama Bin Laden, didn’t you?
AQ: That was a long time ago. The world was different. I needed the money.
NO: How is this any different?
AQ: Because he hasn’t killed anyone.
NO: I understand he killed a Tiger in San Diego.
AQ: That report is unconfirmed.
NO: Why Q? How is this any different?
AQ: I dunno. Maybe I like him. Maybe he reminds me of me at that point in my life.
NO: What point is that exactly?
AQ: The point where the costume feels more comfortable than the clothes.
NO: You are a profound man.
AQ: And you are a good looking fellow.
NO: We could marry you know?
AQ: I beg your pardon?
NO: I could have my wife beheaded and then we could rule this land as Romulus and Remus.
AQ: Romulus killed Remus you dolt!
NO: You don’t want to marry me?
AQ: I do not.
NO: It’s fine, I’m not hurt! I’m just wondering what it’s going to take for you to do my bidding.
AQ: I know you are, and I love watching you try.
NO: I could remove you from the FBI’s number 1.
AQ: And let Palin have it?
NO: How about that spitfire?
AQ: She has pluck. I’ll give her that. If only God would have given her two neurons to rub together.
NO: Bless her heart. I hope Russia is treating her well.
AQ: What about I capture her instead?
NO: Do you speak Russian?
AQ: No. But I know a Ukrainian who can translate for me.
NO: Well Sarah Palin is a target of opportunity, but she is not burning town my nations churches.
AQ: See, they probably weren’t paying taxes.
NO: What?
AQ: It’s taxes that Uncle Sam is coming for. But he’s taxing you.
NO: Me?
AQ: You. The Man.
NO: I never wanted to be The Man, you know.
AQ: You’ve told me.
NO: He’s taxing me?
AQ: He’s making you pay for taxing him.
NO: Oh! Oh I get it!
AQ: Right.
NO: He’s a terrorist.
AQ: Strictly speaking no.
NO: What the hell do you mean, no?
AQ: He’s not killing people.
NO: So?
AQ: A terrorist takes lives to inspire fear. A patriot destroys symbols to inspire insurrection.
NO: You write that?
AQ: I did.
NO: You sound like you’re very proud of it.
AQ: I am.
NO: If you don’t capture him I’ll have you killed.
AQ: Barry…
NO: I know. It’s just frustrating is all. Just tell me what you want.
AQ: I have three conditions.
NO: OK, go.
AQ: 1. Your word that you will not kill Uncle Sam.
NO: I don’t need him dead, I need him contained. You have my word.
AQ: 2. The Sword of General Lee.
NO: What?
AQ: Yeah.
NO: I don’t know if I have that.
AQ: It’s got to exist.
NO: Why not Grant’s sword?
AQ: Look, this isn’t a rebel flag sort of thing. I need it for a spell.
NO: What?
AQ: I don’t know. Time Phone orders. Have to obey them.
NO: If it exists I will get it for you.
AQ: Thanks.
NO: And 3?
AQ: I want the State of Minnesota.
NO: All of it?
AQ: As my sovereign territory. To command and protect.
NO: Brett Farve is going to have something to say about that.
AQ: I’ll deal with Brett Farve. Yes or no?
NO: I’ll have the papers drawn up.
AQ: Good. I’ll get him to you by weeks end.
NO: I’ll have your sword and your state waiting.
[End Transcript.]

I had played Obama out of Minnesota like he was giving away Christmas candy. I didn’t even want the sword of General Lee. I had meant to say the car. I’m a huge Tom Wopat fan. I knew where Uncle Sam was. Collecting him would be as easy as one two three. One; Drive to Bemidji. Two; Go to the Bar. Three; Ask for Uncle Sam.

I did all of those things and the roguishly handsome man behind the bar gave a wry smile.

“Good to see you, Q.” said Hans.

“And you, Hans. Where is Uncle Sam?” I asked.

“He was you all along. You are Uncle Sam.” said Hans.

And the man was right.

End Report.

QP Quaddle DDS K00


Popular Posts