Nothing Happened. (The Battle for Clowntown)

A short comedy.

Characters:
Paganini. A heavily armed clown.
Bruschetta. A likewise armed clown
Angina. Another clown (heavily armed).

Setting: Just outside of Clowntown.

Three clowns enter the scene from different directions, we see our clowns are armed to their chattering teeth with knives, balloons, infinite handkerchiefs, and hatchets. When they see each other they quickly fill their hands with knives and hatchets, prepared to throw them into their fellow clowns.

Paganini. So we have come at last? Bruschetta, Angina! We shall settle this score.

Angina. If it isn’t old Paganini, King of Clowntown, and owner of the finest balloon animal menagerie on this, or any earth.

Bruschetta. Paganini, Angina, must we fight to the death? Maybe we could just smudge one another’s make-up around?

Paganini smudges Bruschetta’s make-up.

Bruschetta. We didn’t say go!

Angina. 1... 2... 3...

Nothing happens.

Paganini. We didn’t say we were going to count.

Angina. Do you have the cantaloupes senor?

Paganini. Ho yes! I have the cantaloupes.

Bruschetta. This horn is a pistol!

Angina. I am holding a bottle of glycerin in my buttocks! One squeeze and it’s curtains for the lot of us!

Paganini. Nitro glycerin?

Angina. Is there a difference?

Bruschetta. Knives! Knives! I say we throw knives!!

Angina. You just said we were smudging make-up!

Bruschetta. That was then and this is now and I am ready. Are we counting?

Paganini. 123GO!

Nothing happens.

Paganini. Is that horn really a pistol?

Angina. I have a bag of overripe bananas!

Paganini. Let it be swords!

Angina. Paganini, I did not bring my sword. I only have the bananas, the explosives, and a handful of broken balloons I intend on repairing. Can’t we simply call it a draw?

Paganini. How ripe are the bananas?

Bruschetta. As ripe as your fist!

Paganini. Silence you ignorant clown! You don’t even know what you are saying! And Angina? Glycerin is not an explosive. It is an ointment.

Angina. And so we will not explode if I clench my buttocks?

Paganini. Not without a miracle.

Angina. Well… I’m not going to try just yet. Just in case.

Bruschetta throws several pens at Angina who attempts as best he can to deflect and catch them.

Paganini. So it’s going to be that type of fight is it?

Angina. Paganini, I do not have a problem with you. Why can we not steal a sub-compact car, I can wear my propeller beanie, and we can make for the North Pole?

Paganini. Is it Christmas?

Bruschetta. Every year.

Paganini. How RIPE are your bananas?

Angina. Probably too ripe.

Paganini. Can I look at one of your bananas?

Angina. Catch!

Angina throws his overripe banana. It is dreadfully overripe.

Angina. I’m sorry Paganini.

Paganini. No no.

Paganini devours the banana.

Paganini. The banana was delicious thank you.

Bruschetta. What if we all just threw one knife?

Paganini. What sort of knife?

Bruschetta. I have a bag full of kitchen knives. I gather them door to door as donations, I then sharpen and repair them, and then give them to homeless youth.

Angina. Homeless youth don’t even have kitchens!

Bruschetta. You don’t have to be in a kitchen to use a kitchen knife.

Paganini. Well… not properly.

Angina. Do you have any butter?

Paganini. I have butter! A bag full of butter stolen from a large woman. She chased me for several miles. I have never seen a woman so large and fast.

Paganini cries.

Bruschetta. Don’t cry Paganini.

Paganini. The banana was so delicious!

Angina. Would you like another?

Angina throws a banana at Paganini who throws it to Bruschetta.

Bruschetta. We have ruined this banana with our antics.

Paganini. No Bruschetta, put it in your mouth!

Bruschetta. I will try it for you, sweet, sad Paganini, but only if you give me a stick of butter.

Paganini throws a stick of butter.

Bruschetta. My life for a cup full of sugar.

Angina throws packets of sugar at Bruschetta.

Angina. I only have packets. Here here, eat up!

Bruschetta puts all of these things into his mouth.

Bruschetta. It is delicious! Thank you, Angina and Paganini. This was a good fight.

Angina. I poisoned those bananas!

Paganini and Bruschetta. ANGINA!!

Bruschetta. How could you!? It is against the rules!

Paganini. “And a clown shall never knowingly poison a fellow clown.”

Bruschetta. Did you learn nothing in clown college!?

Paganini. What did you poison us with?

Angina. It is a complex compound I have been working on. Note the distinct, though subtle, nutty aftertaste?

Bruschetta. It was nutty!

Paganini. Nutty bananas! The nuttiest over ripe banana I’ve ever eaten.

Angina. What you taste is not nutty… but fishy.

Bruschetta. FUGU!!

Paganini. FUGU!!!

Bruschetta. Puffer fish! You kill us with puffer fish?!

Paganini. I can no longer feel the tips of my fingers.

Bruschetta. I’m all itchy!

Angina. Your symptoms will increase until such a time as I decide!

Paganini. Then I will take you with me to clown hell.

Paganini removes his cantaloupe.

Angina. NO! The cantaloupe!

Bruschetta. My diaper is packed with plastic explosives!

Angina. You’re wearing a diaper too!?

Paganini. Then we are all prepared. This cantaloupe is packed tight with depleted uranium, anthrax, plague, nails, seeds, guns, hair… is that everything… how many things did I list?

Bruschetta. When you say nails, do you mean like carpentry nails?

Paganini. Nail clippings.

Bruschetta. It will be so gross. We will die as we lived. Covered in dander.

Angina. We are all lying right?

Paganini. 123GO!

Paganini feeds Angina a banana with some difficulty.

Bruschetta. I don’t understand. Is that a nutty banana?

Paganini. I brought my own bananas. Cuckoo bananas.

Angina. What?

That tears it.

Paganini. It’s a cuckoo banana as opposed to nutty banana you zany!

Bruschetta. You call me zany?

Angina. You’re zany as ever Bruschetta.

Paganini. Tangy too.

Bruschetta. You are my special friends.

Paganini. Alright then. We will all trigger our respective explosive devices on the count of 20.

Angina. You can count that high in English?

Paganini. I can count to a bazillion in English.

Bruschetta. Prove it.

Paganini. I shall do it in my head. Done.

Bruschetta. Wow. You’re good.

Paganini. It is a shame we must all die this day.

Angina. And covered with dander.

Paganini. Well. Here we go. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... 19...

Bruschetta. WAIT!

Paganini. I was just making sure SOMEONE was paying attention.

Angina. I’m bored.

Paganini. Here we go. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... 9... 10... 11...

Bruschetta. I’m bored too.

Paganini. Well then let’s stop.

Bruschetta. Good fight clowns. I will return to the news desk.

Angina. And I will return to congress.

Paganini. I must return to Clowntown, where I will rule with an iron fist.

Bruschetta. I will never be the Clown King.

Paganini puts away his weapons and gives Bruschetta his cantaloupe.

Paganini. I want you to eat this cantaloupe.

Bruschetta. Really?

Paganini. You will have to disarm it of course.

Bruschetta. Of course. I would like you to have this.

Bruschetta gives Paganini his horn.

Paganini. Your pistol?

Bruschetta. I’m a lousy shot anyhow.

Angina. You are all my special friends.

Paganini. Yes. Same time tomorrow. Swords and crossbows.

Bruschetta. Good day Pagnini, Angina.

Angina. Bruschetta, Paganini.

Paganini. Angina, Bruschetta.

The clowns exit.

The End.

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