The Short Bus to Stillwater.

The Short Bus to Stillwater.
By Jeremiah Liend
October 1st, 2010.

Cast of Characters:

Markus “Brick” Shithouse. Brick is a drug dealer who has killed more men than anyone ever. He began his life being in orphanages before doing crimes in churches before getting kicked out of schools. He buries his hatred of all things good and holy in criminal acts of superviolence. Nothing quells the screaming of all of his victims like consuming vast quantities of quality drugs. He has existed inside the prison system since the age of 14 and in prison he has done things so shameful and depraved that no sane and well meaning person would relate these things to people they respect.

Chance “Ace” Adams. Ace is a drug dealer and a gun for hire. He has killed more men than Brick, but he does not tell Brick this because that would make him angry. Ace grew up in an orphanage before attending church before going to high school before getting a degree in English that offered him nothing. He has a moral code that includes castrating and then crucifying those who harm the things he loves. He once ate an entire Cobra after killing it with his bare hands by dashing it against a large rock. He has allowed his capture after his partner, Spade, sold him out to a Chechnyan death squad.

Sheriff Marshal Quentin “The Quartermaster” Pillsbury. The Sheriff is a dictator hero. He once leapt 40 feet from a bridge into freezing river water to save the life of an infant in a stroller whose jogging mother accidentally threw. Why she was running in October and how it was that The Sheriff had been there at exactly the right time flies in the face of the absolute truth; God has sent Marshal Pillsbury to save the world. It’s a 15 minute drive to Stillwater maximum security prison. There the most depraved and insane are kept sedated and safe. Locked away from the thousands of victims that would suffer and die if released back into population.

Time: 2050

The Scene: The interior of a state owned 2030 Honda Mini-Bus. There is a cage between the Sheriff and the convicts.

Writers Note: This script utilizes Text Curse. It is meant to be performed to the letter. When someone says “What the F?” that is what they say. No swears. Cept the ones I spell. Thanks.

[Ace and Brick are secured on the bus by The Sheriff. Their uniforms are degrading and The Sheriff has a wide brimmed hat.]

Brick. And I’ve got a confession too, that’s not a story, that’s a fantasy.

Sheriff. You’re a sick man convict. But we’ve got a state of the art facility in Stillwater son. And we’re gonna take darn good care of you. Feed you and clothe you and delouse you. Maybe get you some books.

Brick. I don’t read so good.

Ace. I have a degree in English.

Sheriff. How’s that working out for you convict?

Ace. Not so well. I keep getting arrested by high schoolers.

Brick. Could you… teach me to read? While we’re in prison for life? We could make a movie about it and call MTV 10 and see if we can get a show?

Ace. I don’t think so Brick. I think I’m going to get out of here just as soon as they hijack this bus, kill this man in the hat, and set us both free to be you and me.

Brick. I’m never going to read well!

Ace. That’s not necessarily true. Do you read a lot?

Brick. I never find the time.

Ace. Wait. Didn’t you tell me you’d been in prison since the age of 14?

Brick. Yes. But I work out.

Ace. What? Like Tae Bo or something?

Brick. Nah man, nah. It’s a work out not getting raped man. When was the last time you were on the inside?

Ace. Uh… 2030?

Brick. Oh man.

Sheriff. You don’t look that old. When did you say those boys were going to be attacking the bus? Because I got this arsenal, you see, and I want to know if I brought enough ammunition, or whether or not we’re going to need the helicopter too.

Ace. Why don’t you call the reserves, get us an M-2000 Liend and Johnson tank, and see if that keeps you alive. Because what you’re going to get hit with will offer you nothing more than a variety of ways to kill yourself.

Sheriff. Do you mind if we listen to oldies?

Ace. Everything is oldies. Could we listen to classical? A man should die to classical.

Sheriff. OK. I’ll do it. But not because you say so.

Brick. You’re an OK guy. I’m really sorry that this man’s friends are going to kill you. But not really, because I hate you for being what you are and keeping me in a cage for all of my days because of your stringent and inherently flawed moral codes.

Sheriff. You want me to pull up your record?

Brick. I would. I would like you to pull up my record.

[The Sheriff gets his phone out. Both men yell.]

Ace. Don’t do that when you drive man!

Brick. WTFH man!?

Ace. Don’t do that when you drive!!

Sheriff. I could shoot this here rocket launcher with one hand and still drive this reinforced and counter-measure equipped 2030 Honda Mini-Bus at upwards of 200 Kilometers per hour, so if I want to look at my GDed phone while I drive you… convict, I D well will! Don’t speak text at me with that foul language young man.

Brick. Are you calling me young? I feel very old.

Sheriff. Wow. You are what we deem in the law profession… criminally insane… wow. HOLY LORD IN HEAVEN! DID YOU REALLY DO THAT TO THAY GUY!!??

[The Sheriff turns around and shows his phone to the convicts, who yell because the Sheriff is turning around.]

Ace. Please just drive the bus man!

Brick. I don’t want to die in a prison transfer! I wan to die in prison! Sweet, sweet comfortable prison!!!

Sheriff. I had no idea a fork could be used in that way.

Brick. You should see what I can do with this!

[Brick pulls out a Ladies Bic Razor.]

Ace. Can I use that to shave?

Brick. Don’t cut yourself…

Ace. You’re probably right. The way this swine is driving we’re never going to make it.

Sheriff. Did you just call me a swine?

Ace. I did. Squeal swine. Squeal and I might let you live.

Sheriff. Would you like to see my arsenal? The vast majority is in the trunk. If they make me stop they get the missile launcher, but honestly, I once zip tied a meth head who was eating his family. I wanted to kill him, but that is for the state to decide. And so I restrained him with a zip tie. And this is justice. Call me a swine will you!?!?!

[The Sheriff turns it to The Game.]

Ace. You’re a hard man Marshal Sheriff. I respect hard men. Maybe you’d like to join us? You with your missile launcher and me with my gas. We’ll make a charge on Fort Knox with as much ammunition as your dollars allow and then make for the sea! I’ve chartered a rather expensive boat to get us out of here.

Sheriff. You really think that any of us are going to survive if you are only half bluffing? I have grenades and a grenade launcher. Gas? I have knock-out flash bangs that can put entire schools to sleep.

Ace. Hey! Was that story true?

Brick. Mine?

Sheriff. Mine?

Ace. You! What is your name swine?

Sheriff. You can call me Sheriff Marshal Q, convict. And I know where everyone you ever knew lives, and this mini-bus is solar electric. I can outrun a Lamborghini. I have. Twice. Once in Italy and another time in New York City. I was chasing Osama Bin Laden 2 both times.

Ace. Osama Bin Laden died in 2010!

Sheriff. That’s what they want you to believe.

Brick. Whose Osama Bin Laden?

Sheriff. You ignorant lunatic.

Ace. The SCHOOL you Fing swine!

Sheriff. You kiss your Mama with those letters? You’re the reason we burn those curse word sex books they used to sell.

Ace. This is why a degree in English is worth about as much as a bucket of cold piss in winter.
Sheriff. The school?

Ace. Yes! Did you really put an entire school to sleep?

Sheriff. Yes I did.

Ace. I remember hearing about that. That was really amazing man.

Brick. What did he do?

Sheriff. Yeah. Tell us what I supposedly did.

Ace. He took a grenade launcher full of knock-out flash bangs at a school and put them all to sleep before a disease caused their vomit and spit to kill everyone in an hour. Saved an entire elementary from certain doom.

Brick. That’s impossible!

Sheriff. Anything’s possible! God Lives! All Hail The Church of Q and the New World Revolution!

Brick. Oh man. You’re ignorant. God is dead man. I saw the corpse. I’m with the Progressive Atheists man. We’re all just dancing food. Nothing we ever do matters. Straight up. Why would you believe something like that?

Sheriff. Because Q changed my life.

Ace. I met Q once.

Sheriff. You LIE!

Ace. In Tokyo.

Sheriff. You’ve never been to Tokyo.

Ace. Pull up my record.

Sheriff. Only if he puts down the razor. It’s threatening me… for whatever reason.

Ace. Yeah. It’s threatening me too.

Brick. I brought it for you, man. Listen, what’s your name again? Because I use a variety of memory altering drugs and I can’t remember if you’ve told me.

Ace. Call me Ace.

Sheriff. You’re Ace?

[The Sheriff looks at his phone.]

Sheriff. Wow. I’ve seen your work. You’re a sick… sick man. And we are going to take care of you in prison.

Brick. [Gleefully.] PRISON!!!!! OK! OK! I’ll put this Pink Bic Razor away, but only because I don’t want to threaten Ace here. You ARE Ace. I’m Brick. And this is Sheriff Marshal Q… and we are traveling to Stillwater Maximum Security Prison in a Mini-Bus!

Ace. Yes. That about sums it up I think. I can’t remember myself, I too take a number of memory altering drugs.

Sheriff. It makes me sad that college failed you young man.

Ace. Why are you calling us young!?

Sheriff. Because you’re convicts! And I feel old. Are there really guys coming?

Ace. Look. There will be about a dozen of them that roll up on us. And they will be Chechnyan. And they will want to kill me, but they won’t, they will simply take me by aircraft to Jamaica, and then… my men will meet us there… and we will go where we want. In the boat.

Sheriff. A boat? For real?

Ace. No lie! I chartered it.

Sheriff. Where are you going? What would we do on this boat… this ship?

Ace. We would adventure man!

Sheriff. What is the alternative?

Ace. Well, the Chechnyans kill us. And probably just take my head back. I would much rather surrender. Or that you surrender and then they take me. But maybe that’s not a good plan. All I know is that I have a strike team in Jamaica. And a boat. A huge beautiful boat. What is so great about your life that it’s not worth sailing away?

Sheriff. I have a wife convict! I have a beautiful wife that cooks me things I like to eat and pleasures me sexually on a regular basis! We have children! They are why I do these ridiculously dangerous things! I serve as the thin blue line between chaos and law. You are Ace. I have heard of you. You have killed a lot. And I have seen your work. But to what end? What is it you want?

Ace. You know what? I've got a wife too. A beautiful wife named Michelle. We were married in the Fall during an enchanting September among the woods. You know what else? I want to consume drugs on a ship with her and then see beautiful things on the beaches belonging to million different people. And do on those beaches. I want to see if there is still clean water somewhere. There has to be. We can chart these waters in the boat I have. Do you really have a rocket launcher man?

Brick. I like it better when you call him man, but I wish you aren’t bluffing. Are you bluffing?

Sheriff. He’s probably bluffing.

Ace. I’m probably bluffing.

Sheriff. You are Ace though? The Ace? Of Ace and Spade?

Ace. That’s the one.

Sheriff. And this boat… you think it can take us up the rivers? Is there room for my family? Can I fit my family on that boat? Or my friends? Can I fit the friends who come together… every night… to read The Book of Q and laugh… and sing… and drink root beer… and dance? Can We Dance!?!! Can we dance on this boat of yours?

Brick. This man is really a lunatic man.

Ace. You have problems man.

Sheriff. I am The Man!

Ace. No. No, you are just a man. And there is no Q. I made that up. There never was a Q. The footage was all fake. No one can do that. There is no space pyramid. There are no solar dirigibles. There is no guild, and there are no swords.

Sheriff. I’ve got a MFin sword.

Ace. No way!

Sheriff. Check it out!

[The Sheriff shows the convicts his sword.]

Ace. Ah man. That’s awesome. I would really like to kill a few people with that.

Sheriff. Never have.

Ace. Ah. You a master?

Sheriff. I am a novice. But I have taken hands.

Ace. Where did all the robot hands go?

Sheriff. Yeah. And hey, why aren’t we flying?

Brick. The future is lame. Everything is falling apart.

Ace. Cept my boat.

Sheriff. How good are these Chechnyans?

Ace. Pros. Real Pros.

Sheriff. When they going to hit us?

Ace. Soon.

Sheriff. And our choices are surrender and possibly live or fight and possibly die?

Brick. Neither of those sounds good.

Ace. Well, life is less than ideal. I play the hands as their dealt. My choice was whether or not to
use the system to get me out of a situation.

Sheriff. I would prefer if no one die.

Ace. How many knock-out flashbangs you have?

Sheriff. Do you mean how many knock-out flashbangs do you have? Degree in English? For real? WTFH man?

Ace. You’re pretty cool for swine.

Sheriff. And you’re pretty ugly for a convict.

Brick. I think you’re beautiful.

Ace. Thanks Brick.

Brick. You said my name!

Ace. I did.

Brick. Thanks man.

Ace. No problem man. How about you? You want to ride on the boat?

Brick. YES! Of course!!! Please!!! Or Prison. Prison is fine too. I would much prefer the boat though.

Ace. Sure. Sure. We can do our drugs and use our guns and look at beautiful things together. But I should let you know, I’m not looking for a relationship.

[Brick is crushed.]

Brick. That’s OK.

Sheriff. I don’t want to be late for diner. I wish this electric vehicle would go a little faster.

Ace. How fast are we going?

Sheriff. Never you mind.

[Ace looks at the dashboard.]

Ace. You’re going 20.

Brick. K?

Ace. Miles.

Brick. What are miles?

Ace. Per hour. It’s Old Math. Sorry. My Grandmother was a veteran… and she drove at least 65 on the open road.

Sheriff. Deer were a lot smaller when your Grandmother was fighting those wars. We’re going to get there on time. How am I supposed to see a helicopter full of armed men if I’m going too fast?

Ace. Hey. We could NOT go to Stillwater.

Sheriff. Huh. That would make the most sense.

Ace. We could go to a Family Restaurant and eat waffles on the state’s dime.

Brick. Really?

Sheriff. I could eat so many waffles with my dollars.

Brick. What’s a waffle?

Sheriff. Now come on. You’ve never eaten a waffle?

Brick. Do they serve it in prison?

Sheriff. Oh… probably not. Didn’t your mother ever make you a waffle?

Brick. I was an orphan.

Sheriff. That’s too bad. I wish the conservatives would have built better orphanages before they outlawed abortion.

Ace. Society is doomed! Let’s get waffles!

Sheriff. We can turn around then? We’ll double back. Fortify ourselves with coffee and waffles and then I can… I don’t know… let you out into the woods.

Ace. You could not let us out into the woods. That would be irresponsible.

Brick. What were you saying about the deer?

Sheriff. The deer are getting bigger.

Ace. That may be a myth though.

Sheriff. The deer are getting much, much bigger. It was prophesied in the Book of Q.

Ace. Thus the Myth.

Sheriff. Well, I’m going to buy you guys waffles…

[And then there is a terrible explosion. And everyone is thrown around. There is the sound of a helicopter and wind blows.]


Brick. Please don’t yell!


Brick. Please don’t yell! I don’t want to die watching you two bicker.

Ace. Sorry. Sorry. It’s OK. We’re OK. They missed.

Sheriff. Was that a warning shot?

Ace. Oh dear. It looks like two helicopters fused into one.

Sheriff. It’s counter rotation. I don’t think I’m going to stop. How many missiles do they have?

Brick. I can’t count that high.

Ace. Oh dear. Oh dear. You should stop.

Sheriff. I don’t think I should stop. I think they want to kill us. And I did not bring a large enough arsenal.

Ace. Is there really a rocket launcher? A stinger? Laser guided?

Sheriff. It’s… it’s just the tube. I shot the missile on the Fourth of July.

Ace. You wild A.

Sheriff. Sorry son. I was terribly wasted on memory erasing drugs.

Ace. You’re a user too, huh?

Sheriff. I drink a pack of beer every night.

Ace. You poor man.

Brick. What of your children?

Sheriff. They don’t drink a pack a night.

Brick. No, I mean what sort of Father does that make you?



Ace. Oh…. Oh I don’t like prison anymore.

Brick. Nah man, it will be OK. They have food and books and work out equipment and, in the nicer places, Jeopardy.

Ace. I’m really good on Jeopardy.

Sheriff. Good at Jeopardy you ignorant convict! Forget your boat. We’re 3 minutes from heaven!

[There is another terrible explosion and everyone is thrown around. It gets very dark. Only the glow of the console can be seen.]

Ace. Did you turn out the lights?

Sheriff. Just turned them down a lot.

Ace. So what? So we can die out here after driving into one of these abandoned cars? You can’t drive without seeing where you’re going.

Sheriff. Anything’s possible!

Brick. Maybe we can get on the radio and ask them if they want a waffle… whatever that is?

Ace. That’s not a half bad idea. Why don’t you let me work that radio Sheriff Marshal Q. Maybe you should open this up and let me at that radio while you try this.

Sheriff. Ace, I think that some of the things you do are commendable. You know the letter of the law and can avoid doing something so reprehensible as to warrant containment. But I have a job, you see. What I do is, I don’t kill people for fun, and I don’t give up until I save everyone. We are going to save you Ace. Listen to Brick here. He can help you.

Brick. Prison is just like the outside, but without the anxiety of having to worry about what’s going on. What video games are people playing?

Ace. I don’t play video games. Nerd.

Brick. I’m not angry at you for saying that.

Sheriff. Nerd!!!

Brick. Do they still play X-Box 4?

Sheriff. You are sad. You make me sad, the way the system has failed you. But Stillwater is different. You boys are going to be OK in there. There! You see! The helicopter is turning around!

Ace. Huh. Well. That’s worrisome.

Brick. [Relieved] Prison. Oh man. What’s on the menu tonight Sheriff?

Sheriff. Sandwich.

Brick. Really!? What’s that?

Ace. How many memory wiping drugs do you do Brick, and how do you get them in prison?

Brick. I take a daily dose. You get them by telling them you are sad.

Ace. Isn’t that just sugar?

Sheriff. Probably Vitamin D.

Ace. Sure.

Brick. What’s vitamin D?

Ace. You get it from the sun, but you wouldn’t get very much in prison.

Brick. You have not been in prison in 10 years?

Ace. And you do not remember what a sandwich is?

Brick. Is it the thick, hot liquid?

Ace. No.

Sheriff. That is soup.

Brick. Soup! Do they have soup at Stillwater!?

Sheriff. They sure do son. They sure do.

Brick. Thank you for protecting us and society from us.

Sheriff. Think nothing of it citizen.

Brick. What’s that?

Ace. A citizen? It’s a native or naturalized member of a state or nation who owes allegiance to its government and is entitled to its protection.

Brick. Wait! I was born here!

Sheriff. You sure were…

Ace. But we are not citizens. He was only being nice.

Brick. Oh. Well we should say something nice to him as well then.

Ace. Like what?

Brick. Like thank you?

Ace. I’m not going to thank this man for protecting me. It is his job.

Sheriff. He’s right.

Brick. But you do it so well!

Sheriff. You’re ok in my book Brick.

Brick. Oh! He said my name!

Ace. My name is Chance Adams.

Brick. Really?

Ace. Crazy right? I don’t tell many people.

Brick. This was a very nice drive to prison. Thank you all for being such cool dudes. I’m so glad that we did not get exploded by that helicopter.

Ace. What kind of sandwiches they got at Stillwater?

Sheriff. Probably ketchup.

Ace. Really? Gross. You have a candy bar on you or something?

Sheriff. I ate my last sugar in 2040 when I embraced Quetsoquaddle.

Ace. It’s probably good that we did not get waffles. They have pie in your cult?

Sheriff. In my father’s house there are many rooms with many pies. Good luck on the inside boys. It’s going to get rough in there. But you just serve your life sentences like the fine lunatics you are… and I’ll see you on the outside.

Ace. I’ll be out in a week because you didn’t stop for the helicopter. Things would have been easier if you would have stopped.

Sheriff. It was just a huey with some bottle rockets wasn’t it?

Ace. Yeah. Buddy I knew owed me a favor. I’m going to have to pay for his gas.
Sheriff. Been a pleasure protecting you. Some day, when you die… we’ll sort through just who was right about not believing in everything.

[The Sheriff slows, stops and removes the prisoners.]

Sheriff. Now. What about that louse?

[Ace stabs a shank into The Sheriff’s liver.]

Ace. Don’t pull that out.

Sheriff. You… got me.

Ace. That looks like it hurts.

Sheriff. I’ve had worse. Thank you for this. The surviving the helicopter would have meant nothing if not for this almost certainly mortal injury.

Brick. I want to shave his eyes out.

Ace. No Brick. Let this one live. He does his job well.

Sheriff. I remand you into the custody of Stillwater Maximum Security Correctional Facility.

[Sheriff removes the blade from his liver and immediately puts it into Aces.]

Ace. OOOOooooo that hurts. OOo. Oh. Oh my. That is something else.

Sheriff. Aren’t you glad they have replacement organs at Stillwater?

Ace. OOoooo. Thanks for that. The hospital is nice?

Sheriff. Not as nice as mine.

Brick. OOOoo OOOOo! Send me to the hospital!

Ace. Do it yourself!

[Brick removes his Bic and shaves his eyelids off. Blood is everywhere.]

Ace. Way to go Brick! To the hospital!!!

Sheriff. You boys take care now. I’m going to get a helicopter out of here.

[There is the sound of a helicopter as the three men exit in different directions.]


Brick went on to get new eyes and they were much prettier than the ones he had before.

Ace survived his injuries and went on to escape to his boat. But that… is another story.

Sheriff Q recuperated with his family in his cabin in Minnesota. They ice fished and ate iced
cream for several weeks on Beautiful Lake Bemidji.

The Chechnyans were actually just Ace’s friend John in a huey helicopter to which there were strapped several fireworks purchased at Generous Jeremiah’s Discount Missile Firework

America continues to provide prisons for our lunatics and fiends.

The End


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