Timelord Easter Apocrypha.

Timelord Easter Apocrypha.

Jeremiah TS Liend
Written for; Out of the Hat 4, KG Productions.

Rights Reserved Tower Hill Productions Inc.

Cast of Characters:
Jesus: Of Nazareth. Proclaimed son of God and messiah to the world.
Kevin Cease: Funeral director. Aliased agent of the Bemidji Swashbucklers Guild.
Michelle Bachman: Tea Party President of the United States of America.
The closed tomb of Jesus.
10 or so minutes before angels of heaven remove the stone blocking the tomb.
Jesus: Shroud of Turin. Vaseline [Mir]. 7 wounds.
Kevin: NIV Bible. Smart Phone. Lava Lamp. Candy.
Michelle: Small pair of scissors. Purse full of candy. Easter Basket full of candy. Golden Cross [easy clasp].
Authors Note:
The following is a comedic tangent and not intended as a religious work.
a·poc·ry·pha /[uh-pok-ruh-fuh] –noun ( often used with a singular verb )
1. a group of 14 books, not considered canonical, included in the Septuagint and the Vulgate as part of the Old Testament, but usually omitted from Protestant editions of the Bible.
2. various religious writings of uncertain origin regarded by some as inspired, but rejected by most authorities.
3. writings, statements, etc., of doubtful authorship or authenticity.

[The piece opens when there is no light. Eventually the dim light of a bobbing lava lamp can be seen illuminating 3 figures; Kevin, a lively man in a black suit, Michelle, an attractive woman in a power suit, and finally Jesus, dressed in the Shroud of Turin. It is very dark, and Kevin begins making scary ghost noises.]
Michelle. Shut up, Kevin!
Kevin. Sorry, Mrs. President. I make ghost noises when I’m scared.
Jesus. Who is that? Who’s there? Let there be light!
[The lights glare down unto the players at 110%.]
Jesus. Let there be slightly less light!
[The lights dim to a comfortable level.]
Jesus. Who are you?
Michelle. I told you he’d speak American.
Kevin. Yes you did. You were right.
Jesus. Who are you!?
Kevin. I’m sorry, lord. There’s very little time. I apologize for bothering you… we… appear to be a little late.
[Kevin consults his phone.]
Kevin. Yes. We missed the crucifixion. Sorry, lord. My name is Kevin Cease. I am a follower of yours, a funeral director, and a member of the Bemidji Swashbucklers Guild.
Michelle. And I am Michelle Bachman, President of the United States of America.
Jesus. And I am Jesus. Neither of you have your heads covered.
Kevin. No. No, hats don’t go through the portal well. You see, lord, we have been sent back through time and space to rescue you.
Michelle. But we’re late. But that’s fine! You look great!
[Michelle uses a small pair of scissors to remove a piece of the Shroud of Turin.]
Kevin. That’s tacky, Michelle.
Michelle. We need proof that it works.
Jesus. Please forgive me, I’ve been dead. I don’t understand.
Kevin. Of course, lord, of course. I apologize for the confusion. This is not where or when we had planned on talking to you.
Michelle. We were going to save you!
Jesus. What is that?
[Jesus points at the lava lamp.]
Kevin. That is a reservoir of dark matter immersed in liquid argon.
Michelle. It looks like a lava lamp though, I think.
Kevin. Yes. Yes, Michelle and I agree that it looks… an awful lot like a lava lamp.
Jesus. You came to save me?
Kevin. Yes. Sorry we’re late.
Michelle. But you look great!
Kevin. We have very little time; angels of heaven are coming to move the stone.
Jesus. Yes?
Kevin. Maybe, so there are a number of things we have to tell you about.
Jesus. What can you tell me?
Kevin. Well, here’s this. It’s an NIV Bible. It’s a collection of the Old Testament and then all of your adventures as well.
Jesus. Matthew has been writing things down.
Kevin. Yes, and it is all in there, lord. Also a few other books by Mark, Luke, and John.
Jesus. John is illiterate.
Kevin. Not John the apostle, John the evangelist.
[Jesus skips to the end.]
Jesus. These maps are great…
Kevin. Yes, it’s a very comprehensive Bible, but there are some things we need to clear up so we can stop killing one another in the future.
Jesus. Killing one another?
Kevin. Yes, lord. We are all hating and killing one another. On the streets and in the YMCAs.
Jesus. What are all these red letters?
Michelle. The red letters are all the things you said.
Kevin. You don’t recognize your words?
Jesus. I don’t know who Luke is.
Kevin. No, these other gospels are second hand. Your apostles are going to spread your gospel throughout the world.
Jesus. Great!
Kevin. Yes, it is great.
Jesus. And they will all do well for themselves?
Kevin. No.
Jesus. No?
Kevin. No. No, they all die painfully except for one.
Jesus. What?! How painfully?
Kevin. It’s all pretty unpleasant. Here, I have some Wikipedia links for you.
Michelle. Don’t show him the Wikipedia.
Kevin. They have an excellent apostle portal. Here you are, lord, this is my phone. It has an archived internet. There. I beg your pardon, but can’t you see into the future?
[Jesus looks at the phone.]
Jesus. I don’t like looking. There’s too much going on. Makes me sad. Oh dear.
Kevin. Like Superman trying to keep a day job.
Michelle. Nerd.
Jesus. Oh my…
Kevin. Yes.
Jesus. They saw Simon in half?
Kevin. Yes. Well… probably. It’s all apocryphal.
Michelle. Can two people of the same sex get married?
Jesus. What?
Kevin. Don’t start the questions yet! We need to get it recorded.
Michelle. There’s no time!
Jesus. Who did you say you are?
Michelle. I am the President of The United States of America. My vice president, Sarah Palin, couldn’t be here. I can’t tell you where she is.
Jesus. What is America?
Kevin. You’re going to visit there in a little bit. You have to get the Mormons off the ground. It was actually Atlantis, but instead of everyone drowning as antiquity believed, the land bridge merely sank.
Michelle. That is entirely fiction. Can two men get married?
Kevin. Don’t ask him yet!
Jesus. What are you talking about?
Kevin. I’m sorry, lord, it seems silly, but your followers have some fundamental disagreements that have led to some roadblocks in furthering your work. One of these is regarding the uh… homosexuals and their place in the whole order of thing.
Jesus. Homosexuals?
Kevin. Yes. Two people of the same sex who love one another.
Jesus. And what is the issue?
Kevin. Sodomy.
Jesus. Not between the thighs?
Michelle. I beg your pardon?
Kevin. It’s Greek.
Jesus. Who can’t agree?
Kevin. Well… for instance, there are these Baptists. Here, let me send you a link.
[Kevin inputs a link and the Westborough Baptist Church is seen proclaiming that God Hates Fags.]
Jesus. Oh dear. What is this word?
Kevin. It’s a slur, lord. These followers of yours believe that your heavenly father is punishing America for tolerating homosexuality by killing soldiers.
Jesus. God doesn’t hate anyone. He made everyone. How could you hate something you put so much time and love and energy into? If he didn’t love you he would strike you down. This is all just you killing you. Is this really an issue in the future? How many people follow my teachings in the future?
Kevin. About 2.2 billion from our time.
Jesus. How many?
Kevin. 2.2 billion.
Michelle. It’s a bunch of different types though. You leave Peter in charge and they have popes, but then power corrupts things and then there was Martin Luther and Calvinists and Hobbes.
Kevin. There’s no time!
Jesus. Show me the number.
[Kevin shows Jesus on his phone.]
Jesus. This is fantastic. Why is there war?
Kevin. I beg your pardon?
Jesus. There are wars? I thought it was fairly clear that killing people is an affront to God. I did mention about him loving all his creations? Are there still 10 commandments?
Kevin. Sure. They are all over the place. 20 foot tall ones as you come into town. There is a concept of Just War?
Jesus. There is no such thing as just or holy war. But there should be no hungry? Technology would surely solve the problems of hunger in its infancy.
Kevin. Mrs. President, would you field this one?
Michelle. America tries to provide the third world with support, but there are a lot of people.
Jesus. How many hungry people then?
[Kevin consults his phone.]
Kevin. About 36 million people die a year from starvation.
Jesus. I see.
Michelle. There are a lot more people. There are 7 billion of us. So that 36 million is really just a flash in the pan.
Jesus. There are millions dying from starvation and, if I answer these questions will you find a means of feeding them? These people hating and killing one another, will they stop that as well?
[Kevin and Michelle share a look.]
Kevin. It would help if we could frame it as a blockbuster musical.
Michelle. Is abortion murder?
Jesus. What is abortion?
[Kevin shows Jesus his phone again.]
Jesus. Oh dear. Oh my. This is… terrible.
Michelle. So, is it murder? Many think its murder.
Jesus. Why would someone do this?
Kevin. There are many reasons. They may be too poor to afford a child. Or they live in a nation where you can only have one.
Michelle. They are mostly sexually irresponsible.
Kevin. We are all pretty sexually irresponsible. No one likes abortion, but we made it illegal again and things got much worse.
Jesus. Why can’t these children be born and then taken care of by others?
Michelle. That’s one solution.
Kevin. Adoption services are… yes. But there are not people lining up for it. We have these plans for massive space orphanages and even just firing the zygotes at distant stars, but these are all just bad solutions. The bigger question is when life starts.
Jesus. Sometimes life does not start at all. Sometimes things happen and people die for no good reason before they can ever take their first breath. That is just what happens in a world of possibility and free will.
[Jesus finds something disturbing on Kevin’s phone.]
Jesus. The Crusades?
Kevin. Yes. How did you get there?
Jesus. Wikipedia. This is terrible!
Kevin. I know, lord, we’re really struggling. If you could clear some of this up, it would really help our situation out.
Jesus. Why did they send you?
Kevin. No reason really. Foolishly checked Chrononaught in a field of my Guild Character Sheet. They believed my experience and familiarity with Christian literature would assist finding you. I entombed people for some years.
Michelle. American research and development paid for this experiment, so I demanded to come with.
Kevin. Yes. We spent several trillion dollars and many lives and in the end only two people could go back to one place. There were debates, but in general people agreed that if there was one place we could go and one thing we could learn it was to come here and get it straight from the source.
Michelle. It gets confusing! There is a lot of contradiction in that book.
Jesus. If I answer these questions, this will help your world?
Kevin. In theory.
Jesus. Very well.
[The Angry Birds music starts.]
Jesus. What is this?
[Kevin tries to take back his phone, but Jesus resists.]
Kevin. Oh, that’s nothing.
Jesus. Angry Birds?
Michelle. Will I go to heaven?
Kevin. There is very little time, lord.
Jesus. I once said to consider the birds of the air and lilies of the field… I never thought the birds would be angry. What are they angry about?
Kevin. Pigs.
Jesus. Pigs?
Kevin. Yes, they stole the bird’s eggs.
Jesus. I once banished a legion of demons into a herd of pigs.
Kevin. Yes.
Jesus. And I just. Wow! Three stars, what does that mean?
Kevin. Lord. Listen. This time portal will only stay open for a little while longer.
Jesus. How many different levels are there?
Jesus. Be at peace, my child.
Kevin. Michelle! We’re running on fumes here. Stick to the big ones.
Jesus. This is amazing!
[Kevin snatches his phone back.]
Jesus. Hey!
[Kevin takes a deep breath.]
Kevin. I’m sorry, lord, I would love to let you play that, but we really need to come back with some answers. If we don’t put some of this to bed we are going to be in some real trouble. Now I’ve got this device set to record. Could we please get your word on these issues?
Jesus. Love your neighbor as yourself, judge not lest you be judged, as you treat the least of me so treat you me, let the children in, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Michelle. And?
Jesus. You are probably going to heaven, Michelle. We can probably hang out if you can get this world hunger thing under control.
Kevin. There are no direct responses to our questions, lord.
Jesus. That’s what I’ve got. I have seven wounds in me and I’m going to fly into space in 40 days.
Kevin. We were wondering if you could not do that? Maybe help out the rebuilding efforts? Or come back with us?
Jesus. Sorry, Kevin, I’ve got to travel to the center of the universe and explain things to my Dad.
Kevin. Sure.
Jesus. Because if I don’t explain things, and he sees what you guys are doing, he is not going to be happy.
Michelle. Sure.
Jesus. It is going to take about 1,000 years to get there, and about 1,000 to get back.
Kevin. That makes sense. You should arrive a little after Q.
Jesus. I don’t know who that is. If I get back, and there are still people killing each other, things are not going to go well. The kingdom is supposed to go here. This is supposed to be it. Heaven is a place on Earth. Who is Q?
Kevin. Q is for Quetzoquaddle. He’s riding back with you.
Michelle. This is all nonsense, Jesus.
Jesus. This is an American God?
Kevin. Indeed it is. I am a member of The Church of Q. Unidenominationalism conflicts with nothing.
Jesus. Good. Because that would be a commandment issue. Michelle, why can’t you feed the children?
Michelle. I don’t know. I’m sorry.
Kevin. We are kind of bad people, but we are good as well, and smart as all get out. Our phones are smarter than anything. I have a Droid XV. It can send notes back in time.
Jesus. I covet your phone. What is that? What are you wearing?
Michelle. It’s my cross, Jesus.
Jesus. Can I look at that?
Michelle. You can have it if you want?
[Michelle removes her cross and gives it to Jesus.]
Jesus. This is me. This Friday. You worship this?
Kevin. People are morbid. There’s a picture book.
[Kevin opens to the grizzliest picture of Crucifixion.]
Jesus. They really do saw Simon in half?
Kevin. Yes.
Jesus. Across the stomach?
Kevin. Down the groin.
Jesus. Why? Why would anyone do that to another being?
Kevin. I can’t answer that. We were hoping you could answer some of our questions?
Michelle. Anger. Ignorance. Fear.
Jesus. There must be a lot of ignorant people with very smart phones where you come from.
Kevin. It is convenient to be able to coordinate your place in space and time and to record and communicate the things that we see and do for the purposes of an uncluttered and transparent history.
Jesus. I don’t understand. I am in a space race with another God?
Kevin. Quetsoquaddle. It’s all in The Book of Q. Can you help us?
Jesus. I am at a loss as to what to tell you to do. Though I have defeated death with the aid of my father in heaven, I have seen that my actions will lead to the suffering, death, and oppression of a whole world’s population. I have a question now, and I demand and answer; would you tell Simon about these things? What should I tell the apostles?
Kevin. Tell them nothing. Have a good time. Leave in 40 days and fly over to America. There are people there who have traced the movement of the planets and days for thousands of years. They have built the largest pyramid in the world. I can show you on my Google earth.
Michelle. The lava lamp, Kevin! It’s getting funky!
Kevin. We’re going to have to transubstantiate through that wall before the angels come. If the angels see us messing with time we’re going to get in so much trouble!
Michelle. We will sell this little piece of your shroud and buy food for all the children! Oh! The children! I almost forgot! I brought this for you Jesus!
[Michelle removes an Easter basket from her purse and offers it to Jesus.]
Jesus. What is this?
Michelle. It’s an Easter basket! It’s full of chocolate and jellybeans! That’s the Easter bunny! It’s a mythical creature that leaves baskets full of chocolate and jelly beans. He also hides eggs in the yard for our children to find.
Jesus. Rabbits lay eggs where you come from!?
Michelle. Happy Easter!
[Michelle kisses Jesus.]
Jesus. Why can’t you feed the world’s hungry with rabbit eggs!?
Kevin. Jesus, I would like to hug you, but I’m not going to. Because you look sticky.
Jesus. It’s myrrh. Hey, who put up for this tomb?
Kevin. Nicodemus.
Jesus. What a great guy.
Kevin. He’s a saint.
Jesus. You know what is great?
Kevin. What’s that?
Jesus. Being alive.
[They all laugh.]
Jesus. Let the dead bury the dead… but let The Ceases help.
Kevin. Thank You, Jesus. Sorry to lay this all on you. I know you had a really lousy weekend.
Jesus. Yeah. Do people still remember?
Kevin. They call it Good Friday.
Jesus. Dad is such a comedian.
Michelle. I love you, Jesus.
Jesus. I love you too, Michelle. Be good.
[Kevin takes the lava lamp and he and Michelle transubstantiate. Jesus eats a Cadbury egg.]
[Jesus throws the remainder of the candy into the audience as the lights come up. The trumpet of Gabriel can be heard.]
Jesus. Angels, let us away! There are women coming and I’m all sticky and all I have is this itchy shroud!
[Jesus leaves the tomb. Happy Easter Jesus!]
[Epilogue. Jesus did not tell the apostles about all of the terrible things he saw, because he wanted to leave on top. He flew first to ancient America and consulted with their people before shooting his physical form towards the center of the galaxy where the great designer commands the clockwork of the universe. Q beat him, but only just.]
[The End.]


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