Welcome To The One True Ring.
Welcome To The One True Ring.
Out of The Hat V Production.
Location: Middle Earth
Object: Old Phonograph
First Line: This place is scary.
Players: 3 Men 1 Woman
Cast of Characters:
Isildur: Second King of Gondor.
Sauren: Powerful Sorceress.
Bobo Baggins: Hobbit cook.
Trogdor: Ork fighter.
Props: My Ma. Old Phonograph. Record. Marker. Ring. Lucky penny. 4 chairs. Rope.
SFX: 1 Voice recording.
Scene:. Interior of The One Ring of Power. There should be four chairs in which are tied our heroes. They should be facing the audience. In front of them, on a stand, is an old phonograph.
Trogdor. This place is scary.
Bobo. It certainly is.
Isildur. Who is that? Identify yourselves at once!
Trogdor. Don’t yell! It only scarier when you yell!!!
Isildur. I’ll slay you where you stand, where are you? Why can I not move?
Sauren. Calm yourself, king. You are trapped within The One Ring of Power.
Isildur. Who are you? What is that? Where are we?
Sauren. Calm yourself, king, and I will answer your questions, for I am Sauren. Most powerful magician in all of middle earth.
Isildur. I am Isildur son of Elendil of the Dúnedain of the Númenor, Lord Exile and Second King of Gondor.
Bobo. That’s so many things to be!
Isildur. And who are you my child?
Bobo. Though I be a mere 70 years of age, I resent being referred to as a child. I am Bobo Baggins. Iron Chef of Bemidjishire.
Isildur. I know not of this Bemidjishire.
Bobo. It remains not within the borders of Gondor, but much farther north. So impossibly north that people rarely visit.
Isildur. I care not for what you say.
Sauren. You are wise to ignore the hobbit, for he is undoubtedly inconsequential to the plot of our dread story.
Isildur. Speak on Sauren, I like your pluck.
Sauren. Is that a derogatory statement?
Isildur. I should say not.
Sauren. Very well. Then I will tell you what I know, and nothing more.
Trogdor. I smash pretty lady. Right in the face.
Isildur. Speak not terrible monster! Or I will smite you with my blades! Where are my blades?
Bobo. And my delicious meat sandwiches!
Trogdor. Trogdor no have his little mouse.
Bobo. A little mouse!?
Trogdor. Trogdor like to pet it soft fur and dream of better life.
Isildur. Who are these idiots and why am I trapped here with them?
Sauren. I will assume that this question is directed at me, and so I shall answer as best I can.
Isildur. Expose! With haste!
Sauren. I am Sauren the Maia, and what I speak to you is the truth. We have all been trapped within the confines of an infinite prison. The One Ring of Power is a tool designed to enslave the minds of the wearer by channeling and enhancing the powers of those unfortunate spirits bound within it. I know all this because I assisted Celebrimbor and Sauron in the design of this ring.
Sauren. My husband. [Long pause.] Ex-husband.
Trogdor. FOR REALS!?
Sauren. It can be no more real.
Isildur. How can we escape?
Sauren. There is no escape. We are trapped in an infinite loop. How unfortunate not in separate loops, where we could spend eternity alone.
Bobo. Was that addressed to me?
Sauren. It was addressed to all of you. All you alls. This is not how I planned things.
Isildur. There are things still I do not understand.
Sauren. Ask your dumb questions.
Isildur. We are all of us thralled to this one ring of power?
Sauren. Because it can direct and amplify the power of the trapped to the bearer of the ring. Each of us has particular things to contribute to Sauron’s power. I, for instance, was the most powerful magician in Middle Earth.
Bobo. You mentioned that earlier, but I see that you are also trapped in a magical ring.
Sauren. No need for the sass mouth little hobbit. Sass isn’t going to make this journey any shorter.
Isildur. Sauren, what you say makes no sense, and I am vexed my intellect cannot seem to digest it. We are trapped in a ring, so that our powers can be used by the wearer of the ring?
Isildur. So, if someone puts on this ring, they can gain my prowess with the sword or cudgel?
Sauren. For certain.
Isildur. Excellent. And also they could command your magics?
Sauren. My most powerful spells lay at the beck and call of one who but knows the words of conjuring.
Isildur. And even in the orks case, the wearer of the ring-
Sauren. Would have idiot strength. The strength of ten strong idiots.
Isildur. With such ability it would seem unnecessary to bring the hobbit.
Bobo. Your words hurt me.
Trogdor. Even Trogdor only mildly demeaned by previous statements. Little man got taken out to lunch!
Bobo. Second lunch! I’m so hungry!!!
[Suddenly there is splendid light.]
Sauren. He did it! Sauron put on the ring!
Isildur. Look at that fantastic helmet!
Sauren. I BOUGHT him that helmet!
Bobo. Why is he looking at himself in the mirror?
Sauren. It is to ensure that he looks cool. Sauron has many issues, but of them all, he lacks self confidence that he hides in idle vanity. This will of course make infinite slavery seem all that much longer.
Isildur. Now he’s making a delicious sandwich.
Bobo. WHAT SORT OF HELL IS THIS!? TO SEE A DELICIOUS SANDWICH AND BE UNABLE TO EAT IT!!
Trogdor. Trogdor beg for a death that will never come!
Isildur. We’re doomed!
Trogdor. Doomed!!! YAYYY!!!
Isildur. Also, and maybe just between you and me, why the ork? Surely there were fair and intelligent Gondorian shot-putters who could rival the beast in strength? Why then the ork?
Sauren. It is the most cunning of all the traps planned to continue the rings existence.
Isildur. And that is?
Sauren. Wearing the ring makes you super dumb.
Sauren. Intelligence scores below zero. A more crippling mental state than any drug or transfusion could provide. Feels amazing. Particularly for those who worry a great deal about frivolous things. Like how good someone looks in a helmet. Using an axe or whatever.
Isildur. So the ork is why Sauron is enjoying this amazing sandwich so very much?
Bobo. Look at it! Four types of cheese! Including both soft and aged varieties. Fresh cut lettuce and tomato. Where are we? Where is this that you can get such fresh produce?
Sauren. Mordor’s kitchens are vast.
Isildur. He brought the hobbit along so he could chef things up?
Isildur. How strange.
Sauren. Not really. If you’re going to live for ever you need a solid diet. Sometimes the prospect of a good meal is all anyone really has to look forward to.
Bobo. Thank you, Sauren. I see you get it after all.
Isildur. LOOK! Sauron’s fighting my men! That’s my base! That’s my heir! Can you believe that? Well this will be great! They will get the ring and then they will find a means of getting us out!
Sauren. You fool! There is no way out!
Trogdor. Smash! Smash!
Isildur. WOW! Gods! What a hit! Why is his mace glowing?
Sauren. It’s magic you ninny!
Trogdor. Smash! Smash!
Isildur. Stop smashing my men, man!
Bobo. This is terrible! This is almost as bad as the not eating the sandwich!
Isildur. Look! It’s the King of Gondor! We’re saved! Uh oh. Oh crumbs. Oh! Yay! OK. Sauron’s defeated.
[The phonograph kicks on and a voice can be heard to say:]
V: Welcome to The One True Ring, Sauron. Your pleasure phylactery is right this way.
Isildur. Pleasure phylactery?
Sauren. I can’t believe he had that installed. I can’t believe him. He really broke my heart. What a complete douche nozzle.
Bobo. Look! The king has the ring! Awesome!
Sauren. He’s getting dumb.
Isildur. How can you tell?
Trogdor. SHOOT! SHOOT ARROWS!
Isildur. Oh! Oh no! Oh crumbs!
Trogdor. We in river! Trogdor only bathe once a year whether he need it or no and this makes twice in year. Trogdor unhappy with life.
Sauren. These are hundreds and thousands of years going by.
Isildur. I did notice several numbers after that king’s name.
Sauren. We were probably in a box for a couple hundred years.
Trogdor. River. Stuck in river.
Isildur. Is this normal?
Bobo. What’s normal?
Sauren. He’s in here somewhere.
Bobo. Hey! Hey, wait! Look! A hobbit! We’re saved!
Isildur. I doubt that very much. If the king of Gondor didn’t save us I think we lost our opportunity.
Trogdor. He introduce himself as Sméagol in third person.
Bobo. No, watch! He’s gonna come through! Oh! Oh no! Oh. He just murdered that guy.
Trogdor. He fed him lots water sandwich without bread.
Bobo. Oh dear. Are we in a cave?
Trogdor. Love caves! Dad used to take to caves! Stalagmite and stalactite you moron! I kill dad with spear. Now I have no dad...
Isildur. You poor creature. We are in a cave.
Sauren. Oh he lost us.
Isildur. How do you lose something like us?
Sauren. And why do I keep making him invisible. HEY! Hey it’s a different hobbit!
Isildur. Is this one a lunatic?
Sauren. Who knows? Let’s make him invisible?
Isildur. We can do that?
Sauren. It’s a feature of the ring we can control I guess, since Sauron wasn’t invisible.
Isildur. Huh. Now we’re living with some boring hobbit.
Bobo. This is a relative of mine.
Isildur. He knows a wizard! Surely he will recognize us!
Bobo. They are far too high. They will never notice us at this rate.
Sauren. NO! No look! He figured it out! Finally!
Isildur. Thank heavens! Wait!? Who is this guy?
Bobo. Who is this Frodo dweeb? I could totally take this guy.
Trogdor. Wait... wait.
Isildur. Look! A council! No. Wait. They are giving it to the hobbit.
Trogdor. Wait. Wait....
Sauren. They really did give it to the hobbit.
Trogdor. Wait... wait.
Sauren. USE YOUR WORDS TROGDOR! USE YOUR MAN-WORDS!
Trogdor. There a racial bias to all these decisions. Orks no represented except for slave community.
Isildur. Oh dear. My great-great-great-great-great-grandson just took out dozens of orks. Just dozens.
Trogdor. I weep for those orks and their fambily.
Bobo. The hobbits are setting out alone! Great!
Sauren. Why didn’t they fly?
Isildur. Oh crumbs! Sméagol’s back!
Trogdor. Me holding out for Sméagol!
Sauren. No way!
Bobo. Oh!!! Wait for it!!!
Isildur. YES! YES!!!!
[All of the characters escape their bonds and rise from their seats.]
Sauren. Well. I guess in the end, infinity wasn’t so long.
Isildur. I am sorry about your ex-husband’s pleasure phylactery.
Sauren. It’s OK. There are a lot of non-physical dimensions.
Trogdor. That deep.
Isildur. Where will you go ork?
Trogdor. I go to ork heaven where there big rock candy mountain and milk straight from teet of God.
Bobo. Good luck, ork.
Trogdor. Trogdor try to no forget, but Trogdor no so good with names and faces.
Bobo. Where do hobbits go when they die?
Sauren. Hell, for they are not baptized.
Bobo. I am forlorn!
Sauren. Just kidding, Bobo! I don’t know where you go. Here, take this ring that will lead you to the sandwich kingdom or whatever.
Bobo. Thank you. Will it really lead me to a kingdom of sandwiches?
Sauren. Maybe? It’s a weird world out there. Take off little one.
[Bobo leaves on a grand adventure.]
Isildur. Did you dismiss the hobbit that you might mount me and bewitch me alone?
Sauren. No. I’m trying to get rid of you as well.
Isildur. I see.
[Isildor is deflated and begins to leave.]
Sauren. Oh, Gods. Here!
[Sauren gives Isildor a coin.]
Sauren. It’s my magic penny. Don’t lose it. Keep it secret. Keep it safe. If you can. I think the last several years have proved that to be more difficult for some.
Isildor. It was never about the nations. It was about the love.
Sauren. Go now, gentle king, to join your ancestors.
[Isildor exits. Sauren goes to the record player and takes off the LP. She writes on it.]
Sauren. “Lord Of The Rings” I am going to make so much money. So very much interdimensionally insured money.
[Sauren leaves to call Peter Jackson.]