WARHAMLET 42,000: DUSK OF WAR





WARHAMLET 42,000: THE DUSK OF WAR


A Sci-Fi Fantasy Space Opera Epic


By


Jeremiah T.S. Liend


Based loosely on a play by William Shakespeare and a sci-fi fantasy world built by capitalist tyrants.




CAST OF CHARACTERS: 


WARHAMLET
CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
LORD TIGERIOUS
BATTLE SISTER O
SICAERTES
SABER
ROSENCRANTZ
GUILDENSTERN
SCARY GHOST
PRIVATE PLASMA
FLAMER PETE
ROCKET BOB
TELLION
CAPTAIN CORN
CHAPLAIN CASSIUS
FIRST GAMER
SECOND GAMER
JONSON
SERVITOR
SERVO SKULL
CAPTAIN DUDEFACE
PRINCE LEVAR BURTON
SPARTACUS
TECHPRIEST
MAVERIC
GOOSE
SKULL MESSENGER
DEATH JESTER
HARLEQUIN
CHRONUS
SPACE LORD
GW LAWYER
ULTRAMARINES




ACT I: The Set Up.


ACT I. SCENE I. ULTRAMRAR SPACE FORT. A platform in the SPACE FORT.
ROCKET BOB is at his post. Enter FLAMER PETE


FLAMER PETE
Who's there?


ROCKET BOB
No, answer me: stand, and equip yourself.


FLAMER PETE
Long live the CHAPTER MASTER!


ROCKET BOB
FLAMER PETE?


FLAMER PETE
I am that dude.


ROCKET BOB
You come most carefully upon your hour.


FLAMER PETE
It is now struck 24; get to bed, ROCKET BOB.


ROCKET BOB
For this relief much thanks: it is bitter cold,
And I am sick in the hearts.


FLAMER PETE
Have you had a quiet guard?


ROCKET BOB
Not a scarab stirring.


FLAMER PETE
Well, good night.
If you do meet SGT. SABER and PRIVATE PLASMA,
The rivals of my watch, bid them make haste.


ROCKET BOB
I do not think they know that spell.
But look! I think I hear them. Stand, ho! Who's there?
Enter SABER and PRIVATE PLASMA


SABER
Do not call us ho’s bitches! 
We are FB Friends to this ground.


PRIVATE PLASMA
And liegsupermen to the IMPERIUM.


ROCKET BOB
Give you good night.


PRIVATE PLASMA
O, farewell, honest space marine:
Who has relieved you?


ROCKET BOB
FLAMER PETE has my place.
I give you good night.


Exit


PRIVATE PLASMA
Ahoy! FLAMER PETE!


FLAMER PETE
Say,
What, is SABER there?


SABER
A piece of him.


FLAMER PETE
Welcome, SABER, welcome, good PRIVATE PLASMA.


PRIVATE PLASMA
What, has this thing appeared again tonight?


FLAMER PETE
I have seen nothing.


PRIVATE PLASMA
SABER says it is but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Doubting this dreaded sight, twice seen by us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That if again this apparition come,
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.


SABER
Nonsense. It will not appear. 
There are no such things as ghosts.
Even if it be ghosts, I be not afraid of none of them. 


FLAMER PETE
Sit down awhile, STFU, 
And let us once again assail your hearing aids,
That are so fortified against our story
What we have two nights seen.


SABER
Well, let’s sit down,
And hear FLAMER PETE speak of this.


FLAMER PETE
Last night of all,
When the same star that's westward from the galactic center
Had made his course to illuminate that part of heaven
Where now it burns, PRIVATE PLASMA, and myself,
The bell then beating one,--
Enter SCARY GHOST


PRIVATE PLASMA
Peace, break thee off! LOCK AND LOAD! Look, where it comes again!


FLAMER PETE
In the same figure, like the CHAPTER MASTER that is dead. Like disco.


PRIVATE PLASMA
Thou art a scholar, and a sergeant; speak to it, SABER.


FLAMER PETE
Looks it not like the CHAPTER MASTER? Note it, SABER.


SABER
Most like him: it harrows me with fear and wonder.


FLAMER PETE
It would be spoken to.


PRIVATE PLASMA
Question it, SABER!


SABER
What art thou that upset this time of night,
Together with that fair and warlike form
In which the majesty of buried GUILLIMAN,
Did sometimes march? By the Emperor I charge thee, speak!


PRIVATE PLASMA
It is offended. You scared away the scary ghost! Huzzah!


FLAMER PETE
See, it stalks away! Truly you are not afraid of no ghosts! Ain’t.


SABER
Stay! Speak, speak! I charge thee, speak!


Exit SCARY GHOST


PRIVATE PLASMA
It is gone, and will not answer. Awesome, SABER. Awesome. You are awesome.


FLAMER PETE
How now, SABER! You tremble and look pale:
Is not this something more than fantasy? 
Is this not something more that speculative fiction? 
Epic sci-fi fantasy fiction!?
What think you on it?


SABER
Before my EMPEROR, I might not this believe,
Without the sensible and true data recorders
Affixed and calibrated to mine own eyes.


PRIVATE PLASMA
Is it not like the CHAPTER MASTER?


SABER
As thou art to thyself:
Such was the very power armor he had on
When he the ambitious KARUVAS SYSTEM combated;
So frowned he once, when, in an angry mood,
He smote the sledded Chaos on the ice.
It is strange. Super strange.


PRIVATE PLASMA
Thus twice before, and deep struck at this dead hour,
With martial stalk hath he gone by our watch.


SABER
In what particular thought to work I know not; Error 404 not found.
But in the wide and awesome scope of my opinion,
This bodes some strange eruption to our planet.


PRIVATE PLASMA
Good now, sit down, and tell me, he that knows,
Why this same strict and most observant watch
So nightly toils the subject of the planet,
And why such daily blast of lascannon,
And foreign equipment for implements of war;
Why such impress of spacewrights, whose sore task
Does not divide the Sunday from the week;
Or even pay overtime unless it’s the holidays, 
What might be toward, that this sweaty haste
Does make the night joint-laborer with the day:
Anyone? Beuler?
Who is it that can inform me?


SABER
That can I;
At least, the whisper goes so. Our last and first CHAPTER MASTER,
Whose image even but now appeared to us,
Was, as you know, angered by LEVAR BURTON of THE KARUVAS SYSTEM,
Thereto ticked off by a most emulate pride,
Dared to the close combat; in which our valiant MASTER--
For so this side of our known planets esteemed him--
Did waste this LEVAR BURTON; who by a sealed compact,
Well ratified by law and space heraldry,
Did forfeit, with his life, all those his planets
Which he stood seized of, to the conqueror:
Against the which, and mildly competent,
Was gagged by our CHAPTER MASTER; which had returned
To the inheritance of LEVAR BURTON,
Had he been vanquisher; as, by the same covenant,
And carriage of the article designed,
His fell to WARHAMLET. Now, sir, 
young LEVAR BURTON MARK II,
Of unimproved mettle hot and full,
Hath in the skirts of THE KARUVAS SYSTEM here and there
Sharked up a list of lawless resolutes,
For food and diet, to some enterprise
That hath a stomach in it; which is no other--
As it doth well appear unto our planet--
But to recover of us, by strong hand
And terms compulsatory, those foresaid planets
So by his father lost: and this, I take it,
Is the main motive of our preparations,
The source of this our watch and the chief head
Of this post-haste and romage in the land.


FLAMER PETE
I do not know what you just said, but you said it very pretty like. 
I think it be no other but even so: As you say. Whatever.
Well does it make sense that this portentous figure
comes armed through our watch; so like the CHAPTER MASTER
That was and is the question of these space wars.


SABER
A booger it is to trouble the mind's eye.
In the most high and orgiastic state of Rome,
A little ere the mightiest Julius fell,
The graves stood tenantless and the sheeted dead
Did squeak and gibber in the Roman streets:


FLAMER PETE
Why did they do that?


SABER
Because they were being eaten by rats. Don’t interrupt...


FLAMER PETE
Sorry.


SABER
As stars with trains of fire and dews of blood,
Disasters in the suns; and the moist stars
Upon whose influence Neptune's empire stands
Was sick almost to doomsday with eclipse:
And even the like precursor of fierce events,
As harbingers preceding still the fates
And prologue to the omen coming on,
Have heaven and space together demonstrated
Unto our climatures and countrymen.--
But soft, behold! Lo, where it comes again!
Balls! That ghost is super scary!!!


Re-enter SCARY GHOST


I'll cross it, though it blast me with... ghost magic or whatever. 
Stay, illusion! Or recording!
If thou hast any sound, or use of voice, or app,
Speak to me: in the inbox.
If there be any good thing to be done,
That may to thee do ease and grace to me,
Speak to me:


Cock crows


If thou art privy to thy planet’s fate,
Which, happily, foreknowing may avoid, O, speak! EMAIL!
Or if thou hast uphoarded in thy life
Extorted treasure in the womb of Ultramar,
For which, they say, you spirits often walk in death,
Speak of it: stay, and speak! Stop it, PRIVATE PLASMA!


PRIVATE PLASMA
Shall I shoot it with my plasma cannon?


SABER
Do, if it will not stand.


FLAMER PETE
It is here!


FLAMER PETE flamers the SCARY GHOST.


SABER
It is here!


PRIVATE PLASMA
It is gone!


SABER
BALLS!!!


Exit SCARY GHOST


SABER
We do it wrong, being so majestical,
To offer it the show of violence;
For it is, as the air, invulnerable, 3++.
And our vain blows malicious mockery.


FLAMER PETE
It was about to speak, when the cock crew.


SABER
Crowed?


FLAMER PETE
I like it my way. Better.


SABER
And then it started like a guilty thing
Upon a fearful summons. I have heard,
The cock... that is the trumpet to the morn,
Doth with his lofty and shrill-sounding throat
Awake the EMPEROR of day; and, at his warning,
Whether in sea or fire, in earth or air,
The extravagant and erring spirit flees
To his confine: and of the truth herein
This present object made probation.


FLAMER PETE
Ghost probation?


SABER
Whatever. It is so early.


PRIVATE PLASMA
It faded on the crowing of the cock.
Some say that ever against that season comes
Wherein our Emperor’s birth is celebrated,
The bird of dawning sings all night long:
And then, they say, no spirit dares stir abroad;
The nights are wholesome; then no planets strike,
No apocalypse either. Nor deep strike mishap whatsoever. 
No fairy takes, nor wych hath power to charm,
So hallowed and so gracious is the time.


SABER
So have I heard, and do, in part, believe it.
But, look, the morn, in russet mantle clad,
Walks over the dew of yon high eastward hill:
Budget permitting. 
Break we our watch up; and by my advice,
Let us impart what we have seen tonight
Unto young WARHAMLET; for, upon my life,
This spirit, dumb to us, will speak to him.
Do you consent we shall acquaint him with it,
As needful in our loves, fitting our duty?


PRIVATE PLASMA
Super-cool. Let's do it, I pray; and I this morning know
Where we shall find him most conveniently.


Exeunt


ACT I. SCENE II. IMPERIAL HQ. A room of state in the space castle.
Enter CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR, BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE, WARHAMLET, TIGERIOUS, SICAERTES, CHAPLAIN CASSIUS, CAPTAIN CORN, BATTLE BROTHERS, and SERVO SKULLS


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Though yet of WARHAMLET our dear brother's death
The memory be green, and that it us befitted
To bear our hearts in grief and our whole CHAPTER MASTERdom
To be contracted in one brow of woe,
Yet so far hath discretion fought with nature
That we with wisest sorrow think on him,
Together with remembrance of ourselves.
Therefore our sometime sister, now our BATTLE MOTHER,
The imperial jointress to this warlike state,
Have we, as 'twere with a defeated joy,--
With an auspicious and a dropping eye,
With mirth in funeral and with dirge in marriage,
In equal scale weighing delight and dole,--
Taken to wife: nor have we herein barred
Your better wisdoms, which have freely gone
With this affair along. For all, our thanks.
Now follows, that you know, young LEVAR BURTON,
Holding a weak supposal of our worth,
Or thin CHAPTER MASTER by our late dear brother's death
Our state to be disjoint and out of frame,
Colleagued with the dream of his advantage,
He hath not failed to pester us with message,
Importing the surrender of those planets
Lost by his father, with all bonds of law,
To our most valiant brother. So much for him.
Now for ourself and for this time of meeting:
Thus much the business is: we have here writ
To THE KARUVAS SYSTEM, uncle of young LEVAR BURTON,--
Who, impotent and bed-rid, scarcely hears
Of this his nephew's purpose,--to suppress
His further gait herein; in that the levies,
The lists and full proportions, are all made
Out of his subject: and we here dispatch
You, good CAPTAIN CORN, and you, CHAPLAIN CASSIUS,
For bearers of this greeting to THE KARUVAS SYSTEM;
Giving to you no further personal power
To business with the CHAPTER MASTER, more than the scope
Of these delayed articles allow.
Farewell, and let your haste commend your duty.


CAPTAIN CORN CHAPLAIN CASSIUS
In that, and all things, will we show our duty.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
We doubt it nothing: heartily farewell.
Exeunt CHAPLAIN CASSIUS and CAPTAIN CORN
And now, SICAERTES, what's the deal with you?
You told us of some suit; what is it, SICAERTES?
You cannot speak of reason to the ULTRAMARINE,
And loose your voice: what wouldst thou beg, SICAERTES,
That shall not be my offer, not thy as CHAPTER MASTER?
The head is not more native to the heart,
The fist more instrumental to the mouth,
Than is the golden throne of THE IMPERIUM OF MAN to thy father.
What wouldst thou have, SICAERTES?


SICAERTES
My dread lord and master,
Your leave and favor to return to SPACE;
From whence though willingly I came to THE IMPERIUM OF MAN,
To show my duty in your coronation,
Yet now, I must confess, that duty done,
My thoughts and wishes bend again toward SPACE
And bow them to your gracious leave and pardon.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Have you your father's leave? What says TIGERIOUS?


LORD TIGERIOUS
He hath, my lord, wrung from me my slow leave
By laboursome petition, and at last
Upon his will I purity sealed my hard consent:
I do beseech you, give him leave to go.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Take thy fair hour, SICAERTES; time and space be thine,
And thy best graces spend it at thy will!
But now, my cousin WARHAMLET, and my son,--


WARHAMLET
[Aside] A little more than kin, and less than kind.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
How is it that the clouds still hang on you?


WARHAMLET
Not so, my lord; I am too much in the suns.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Good WARHAMLET, cast thy nighted color off,
And let thine eye look like a friend on THE IMPERIUM OF MAN.
Do not for ever with thy veiled lids
Seek for thy noble father in the dust:
Thou know it is common; all that lives must die,
Passing through nature to eternity.
Everyone looks very worried. 


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Except the...


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Except THE EMPEROR, of course.


Everyone relaxes a little.


WARHAMLET
Ay, madam, it is common.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
If it be,
Why seems it so particular with thee?


WARHAMLET
Seems, madam! Nay it is; I know not 'seems.'
Tis not alone my inky cloak, good mother,
Nor customary suits of solemn black,
Nor windy suspiration of forced breath,
No, nor the fruitful river in the eye,
Nor the dejected havior of the visage,
Together with all forms, moods, shapes of grief,
That can denote me truly: these indeed seem,
For they are actions that a man might play:
But I have that within which passeth show;
These but the trappings and the suits of woe.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
It’s so very sweet and commendable in your nature, WARHAMLET,
To give these mourning duties to your father:
But, you must know, your father lost a father;
That father lost his, and he lost his, and the survivor bound
In filial obligation for some term
To do obsequious sorrow: That father lost his, and he lost his, and the survivor bound
In filial obligation for some term
To do obsequious sorrow: That father lost his, and he lost his, That father lost his, and he lost his, but to persevere
In obstinate condolement... if that is even a word? Is a course
Of impious stubbornness; 'tis unmanly grief;
It shows a will most incorrect to heaven,
A heart unfortified, a mind impatient,
An understanding simple and unschooled:
For what we know must be and is as common
As any the most vulgar thing to sense,
Why should we in our peevish opposition
Take it to heart? Balls! 'tis a fault to heaven,
A fault against the dead, a fault to nature,
To reason most absurd: whose common theme
Is death of fathers, and their fathers, and their fathers, and their fathers fathers and their fathers and the fathers before them and who still hath cried,
From the first corpse till he that died today,
'This must be so.' We pray you, throw to earth
This unprevailing woe, and think of us
As of a father: for let the world take note,
You are the most immediate to our throne;
And with no less nobility of love
Than that which dearest father bears his son,
Do I impart toward you. For your intent
In going back to school in ULTRAMAR,
It is most retrograde to our desire:
And we beseech you, bend you to remain
Here, in the cheer and comfort of our eye,
Our chiefest courtier, cousin, and our son... kiddo.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR chucks WARHAMLET on the shoulder.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Let not thy mother lose her prayers, WARHAMLET:
I pray thee, stay with us; go not to ULTRAMAR.


WARHAMLET
I shall in all my best obey you, madam.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Why, 'tis a loving and a fair reply:
Be as ourself in THE IMPERIUM OF MAN. Madam, come;
This gentle and unforced accord of WARHAMLET
Sits smiling to my heart: in grace whereof,
No jocund health that THE IMPERIUM OF MAN drinks to-day,
But the great lascannon to the clouds shall tell,
And the CHAPTER MASTER's rouse the heavens all bruit again,
Re-speak CHAPTER MASTER’s earthly thunder. Come away.


Exeunt all but WARHAMLET


WARHAMLET
O, that this way too solid flesh would melt
Thaw and resolve itself into a dew! A sticky dew!
Or that the Everlasting had not fixed
His fist-canon against self-slaughter! O EMPEROR! EMPEROR!
How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable,
Seem to me all the uses of this galaxy!
Fie on it! Screw it! 'tis an unweeded garden,
That grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature
Possess it merely. That it should come to this! Balls!
But two months dead: nay, not so much, not two:
So excellent a CHAPTER MASTER; that was, to this,
GUILIMAN to a MARINE; so loving to my mother
That he might not beteem or betempest the winds of space
Visit her face too roughly. Heaven and terra and black space!
Must I remember? why, she would hang on him, 
As if increase of appetite had grown
By what it fed on: and yet, within a month--
Let me not think on it--Frailty, thy name is woman!—So little a number between 3 and 4. Thy save is not invulnerable. 
A little month, or ere those space boots were old
With which she followed my poor father's body,
Like Brittany, all tears:--why she, even she--
O, EMPEROR! A beast, that wants discourse of reason, 
Would have mourned longer--married with my uncle,
My father's brother, but no more like my father
Than I to Eldar: within a month:
Ere yet the salt of most unrighteous tears
Had left the flushing in her galled eyes,
She married. Space married. O, most wicked speed, to leap
With such dexterity to incestuous sheets!
It is not nor it cannot come to good:
But break, my several hearts; for I must hold my tongue.
Enter SABER, PRIVATE PLASMA, and FLAMER PETE


SABER
Hail to our BATTLE BROTHER!


WARHAMLET
I am glad to see you well:
SABER,--or I do forget myself.
SABER
The same, my space lord, and your poor servator ever.


WARHAMLET
Sir, my good friend; I'll change that name with you:
And what make you from ULTRAMAR, SABER? PRIVATE PLASMA?


PRIVATE PLASMA
My good lord--


WARHAMLET
I am very glad to see you. Good even, sir.
But what, in faith, takes you from ULTRAMAR?


SABER
A truant disposition, good my lord.


WARHAMLET
I would not hear your enemy say so,
Nor shall you do mine ear that violence,
To make me trust of your own report
Against yourself: I know you are no truant.
But what is your affair in KARUVAS?
We'll teach you to drink deep ere you depart.


SABER
My lord, I came to see your father's funeral.


WARHAMLET
I pray thee, do not mock me, fellow-battle-student;
I think it was to see my mother's space wedding.


SABER
Indeed, my lord, it followed hard upon.


WARHAMLET
Was that a crack?


SABER
Lord?


WARHAMLET 
Are you cracking wise? 


SABER
No! NO! My lord...


WARHAMLET
Thrift, thrift, SABER! The funeral baked meats
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.
With a delicious cold meat sandwich buffet. 
Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven
Or ever I had seen that day, SABER!
My father!--methinks I see my father.


SABER
Where, my lord?


WARHAMLET
In my mind's eye, SABER. Or maybe a data recorder. I might have a virus...


SABER
I saw him once; he was a goodly CHAPTER MASTER.


WARHAMLET
He was a man, take him for all in all,
I shall not look upon his like again.


SABER
My lord, I think I saw him yesternight.


WARHAMLET
Saw? Who? Dad? Is yesternight a word?


SABER
My lord, the CHAPTER MASTER your father.


WARHAMLET
The CHAPTER MASTER my father! DADDY!?


SABER
Season your admiration for awhile
With an attent ear, till I may deliver,
Upon the witness of these space marines,
This marvel to you.


WARHAMLET
For EMPEROR's love, let me hear.


SABER
Two nights together had these gentlemen,
PRIVATE PLASMA and FLAMER PETE, on their watch,
In the dead vast and middle of the night,
Been thus randomly encountered. A figure like your father,
Armed at point exactly, runic terminator armor,
Appears before them, and with solemn march
Goes slow and stately by them: thrice he flew, or jet packed or deep struck from hell,
By their oppressed and fear-surprised eyes,
Within his force halberd’s length; whilst they, totally pinned
Almost made jelly with the act of fear,
Stand dumb and speak not to him. This to me
In dreadful secrecy impart they did;
And I with them the third night kept the watch;
Where, as they had delivered, both in time,
Form of the thing, each word made true and good,
The apparition comes: I knew your father; he was awesome,
These hands are not more like.


WARHAMLET
But where was this?


PRIVATE PLASMA
My lord, upon the platform where we watched.


WARHAMLET
Did you not speak to it?


SABER
My lord, I did;
But answer made it none: yet once I thought
It lifted up its head and did address
Itself to motion, like as it would speak;
But even then the morning cock crew loud,
And at the sound it shrunk in haste away,
And vanished from our sight.


WARHAMLET
It is very strange.


SABER
As I do live, my honored space lord, it’s true;
And we did think it writ down in our duty
To let you know of it. So. Tip?


WARHAMLET
Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me.
Hold you the watch to-night?


FLAMER PETE
We do, my lord.


SABER
Tip?


WARHAMLET
Armed, say you?


PRIVATE PLASMA 
To the teeth, my lord.


WARHAMLET
From top to toe?


PRIVATE PLASMA 
My lord, from head to foot.


FLAMER PETE
Balls to walls.


WARHAMLET
Then saw you not his face?


SABER
Excellent segue. Yes, my lord; he wore his beaver up.


WARHAMLET
F’ed you say about my dad!?


SABER
His beaver!? Did I say beaver?!


WARHAMLET
You did indeed, SGT. SABER!


SABER
I meant vajayjay.


WARHAMLET
Of course. What, looked he frowningly?


SABER
A countenance more in sorrow than in anger.


WARHAMLET
Pale or red?


SABER
Nay, very pale.


WARHAMLET
And fixed his eyes upon you?


SABER
Most constantly.


WARHAMLET
I would I had been there.


SABER
I bet you do. It would have much amazed you.


WARHAMLET
Very like, very like. Stayed it long?


SABER
While one with moderate haste might tell a hundred.


WARHAMLET
What about extreme haste?


SABER
Oh... uh. I’m not so good at math... ah...


PRIVATE PLASMA 
 Longer, longer.


FLAMER PETE
Much, much, longer.


SABER
Not when I saw it.


WARHAMLET
His beard was grizzled--no?


SABER
It was, as I have seen it in his life,
A sable, or mithril silvered.


WARHAMLET
And dry brushed?


SABER
Yes. Of course. For days. He looked very nice, my lord. 


WARHAMLET
On a scale between 1 and 20?


SABER
18, because he was a scary ghost. If not for the opaque qualities of his scary ghost form, he would be a solid 20 out of 20. 


WARHAMLET
I will watch tonight;
Perchance he will space walk again.


SABER
I warrant he will.


WARHAMLET
If it assume my noble father's person,
I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape
And bid me hold my peace. I pray you all,
If you have hitherto concealed this sight,
Let it be tenable in your silence still;
And whatsoever else shall happen tonight,
Give it an understanding, but no tongue:
I will requite your loves. Whatever that means. So, fare you well:
Upon the platform, between eleven and twelve,
I'll visit you.


SABER
Do you think the gates of hell will open? Because we can get bigger guns if that is the case. 


WARHAMLET
Bring all your largest guns. On 3. 123.


All
FOR THE EMPEROR!


WARHAMLET
Your loves, as mine to you: farewell.


Exeunt all but WARHAMLET


My father's spirit in arms! all is not well;
I doubt some foul play: would the night were come!
Till then sit still, my soul: foul deeds will rise,
Though all the earth overwhelm them, to men's eyes.
Exit


ACT I. SCENE III. A room in TIGERIOUS' Space Fort.
Enter SICAERTES and BATTLE SISTER O


SICAERTES
My necessaries are embarked: farewell:
And, sister, as the winds give benefit
And convoy is assistant, do not sleep,
But let me hear from you.


BATTLE SISTER O
Do you doubt that?


SICAERTES
For WARHAMLET and the trifling of his favor,
Hold it a fashion and a toy in blood,
A violet in the youth of primarch nature,
Forward, not permanent, sweet, not lasting,
The perfume and suppliance of a minute; No more.


BATTLE SISTER O
No more but so?


SICAERTES
Think it no more;
For nature, crescent, does not grow alone
In thews and bulk, but, as this temple waxes,
The inward service of the mind and soul
Grows wide withal. Space wide. Perhaps he loves you now,
And now no soil nor caution doth besmirch
The virtue of his will: but you must fear,
His greatness weighed, his will is not his own;
For he himself is subject to his birth:
He may not, as unvalued persons do,
Carve for himself; for on his choice depends
The safety and health of this whole galaxy;
And therefore must his choice be circumscribed
Unto the voice and yielding of that body
Whereof he is the head. Then if he says he loves you,
It fits your wisdom so far to believe it
As he in his particular act and place
May give his saying deed; which is no further
Than the main voice of THE IMPERIUM OF MAN goes withal.
Then weigh what loss your honor may sustain,
If with too credent ear you list his songs,
Or lose your heart, or your chaste treasure open
To his unmastercrafteded importunity.
Fear it, BATTLE SISTER O, fear it, my dear sister,
And keep you in the rear of your affection,
Out of the shot and danger of desire.
The chariest maid is prodigal enough,
If she unmask her beauty to the moon:
Virtue itself escapes not calumnious strokes:
The canker galls the infants of the spring,
Too oft before their buttons be disclosed,
And in the morn and liquid dew of youth
Contagious large blastmarkers are most imminent.
Be wary then; best safety lies in fear, not covers. 
Youth to itself rebels, though none else near.


BATTLE SISTER O
I shall the gist of this good lesson keep,
As guardsman to my heart...lolz. But no, good my brother,
Do not, as some ungracious pastors do,
Show me the steep and thorny way to heaven;
Whiles, like a puffed and reckless libertine,
Himself the primrose path of dalliance treads,
And wrecks not his own ride.
You wander into dangerous terrain.


SICAERTES
O, fear me not.
I stay too long: but here my father comes.


Enter TIGERIOUS


A double blessing is a double grace,
Occasion smiles upon a second leave.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Yet here, SICAERTES! Aboard, aboard, for shame!
The solar wind sits in the shoulder of your space sail,
And you are paid for. There; my blessing with thee!
And these few precepts in thy memory
See thou character sheet. Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportioned thought his move.
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their gene-seed tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of adamandaceramite;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatched, unfledged dude-face. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel, but being in,
Bear it that the opposed may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment.
Give cover only as you are given cover saves.
Costly thy miniature habit as thy purse can buy,
But not expressed in fancy; rich, not gaudy; miniatures,
For the miniature oft proclaims the man,
And they in SPACE of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
Like a AAA Power sword. 
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man... or alien... or mutant... or heretic. 
Farewell: my blessing season this in thee!


SICAERTES
Most humbly do I take my leave, my space wizard lord and dad.


LORD TIGERIOUS
The time space invites you; go; your servitors attend.


SICAERTES
Farewell, BATTLE SISTER O; and remember well
What I have said to you.


BATTLE SISTER O
It is in my memory locked,
And you yourself shall keep the key of it.


SICAERTES
Farewell.


Exit


LORD TIGERIOUS
What is it, BATTLE SISTER O, he hath said to you?


BATTLE SISTER O
So please you, something touching the Space Lord WARHAMLET.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Crumbs, well bethought:
It is told me, he hath very oft, of late
Given private time to you; and you yourself
Have of your audience been most free and bounteous:
If it be so, as so 'tis put on me,
And that in way of caution, I must tell you,
You do not understand yourself so clearly
As it behooves my daughter and your honor.
What is between you? Give me the truth.
Don’t make me use magic. 


BATTLE SISTER O
He hath, my librarian dad lord, of late, made many tenders
Of his affection to me.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Affection! Pooh! Pooh I say! Balls! You speak like a green girl,
Unsuited in such perilous circumstance.
Do you believe his tenders, as you call them?


BATTLE SISTER O
I do not know, my wizard space lord dad, what I should think.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Here, I'll teach you: think yourself a baby;
That you have taken these tenders for true pay,
Which are not sterling. Tender yourself more dearly;
Or--not to break the wind of the poor persons phrase,
Running it thus--you'll tender me a fool.


BATTLE SISTER O
I don’t get it.


LORD TIGERIOUS
It’s pretty heady... maidenheady. 


BATTLE SISTER O
My lord, he hath importuned me with love
In honorable fashion.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Ay, fashion you may call it. Are you doing it?


BATTLE SISTER O
We’re not doing it... Dad. Not that it is your bees wax. 
He hath given countenance to his speech, my lorddad,
With almost all the holy vows of heaven and space time.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Ay, springs to catch woodcocks. 


BATTLE SISTER O
LOLZ!


LORD TIGERIOUS
I do know,
When the blood burns, how prodigal the soul
Lends the tongue vows: these blazes, battle daughter,
Giving more light than heat, extinct in both,
Even in their promise, as if from a CHAPTER MASTER,
You must not take for fire. From this time
Be somewhat scanter of your maiden presence;
Set your entrainments at a higher rate
Than a command to parley. For Lord WARHAMLET,
Believe so much in him, that he is young
And with a larger tether may he walk
Than may be given you: in few, BATTLE SISTER O,
Do not believe his vows; for they are brokers,
Not of that dye which their investments show,
But mere implorators of unholy powersuits,
Breathing like sanctified and pious inquisitors,
The better to beguile. This is for all:
I would not, in plain terms, from this time forth,
Have you so slander any moment of leisure,
As to give words or talk with the Lord WARHAMLET.
Look to it, I charge you: come your ways.
This will all end in tears. 


BATTLE SISTER O
I shall obey my space lord, and wizard dad.


Exeunt


ACT I. SCENE IV. ULTRAMAR PRIME. THE PLATFORM.
Enter WARHAMLET, SABER, and PRIVATE PLASMA


WARHAMLET
The air bites shrewdly; it is very cold.


SABER
Weiner.


WARHAMLET
Really? Is this about the tip?


SABER
No. Never mind. Let’s just get on with it. It is indeed a nipping and an eager air.


WARHAMLET
What hour now?


SABER
I think it lacks of twelve.


WARHAMLET
What? That’s not really a means of telling time.


SABER
My chronometer is broken. 


WARHAMLET
No, it is beeped.


SABER
Indeed? I heard the beep not: then it draws near the season
Wherein the spirit held his wont to space walk.


A flourish of trumpets, and ordnance/barrage shot off, within


What does this mean, my lord?


WARHAMLET
The CHAPTER MASTER doth wake tonight and takes his rouse,
Keeps wassail, and the swaggering upspring reels;
And, as he drains his draughts of brown liquor down,
The kettle-drum and trumpet thus bray out
The triumph of his pledge.


SABER
Is it a custom?


WARHAMLET
Yeah, dude, is it ever:
But to my mind, though I am native here
And to the manner born, it is a custom
More honored in the breach than the observance.
This heavy-headed revel east and west
Makes us traduced and taxed of other planets:
They claim us drunkards, and with swinish phrase
Soil our addition; and indeed it takes
From our achievements, though performed at height,
The minimum and maximum of our attributes.
So, oft it chances in particular men,
That for some vicious mole of nature in them,
As, in their gene-seed--wherein they are not guilty,
Since genetics cannot choose his origin--
By the overgrowth of some experiment,
Oft breaks the CHAPTER MASTER down the pales and space forts of reason,
Or by some habit that too much over-leavens
The form of polite manners, that these men,
Carrying, I say, the stamp of one genetic defect,
Getting into The Imperiums armory with someone’s keys... intimidating a janitor-bot or whatever, or fortune's darkstar,--
Their virtues else--be they as pure as grace,
As infinite as man may travel through space and time--
Shall in the general censure take corruption
From that particular fault: the dram of ale
Doth all the noble substance of a doubt
To his own scandal.


SABER
Sounds super awesome, but look, my lord, the scary ghost comes!


Enter SCARY GHOST


WARHAMLET
Blood Angels and ministers of grace defend us!
Be thou a spirit of health or of chaos damned,
Bring with thee airs from the web or blasts from warp,
Be thy intents wicked or charitable,
If charitable, do you have any literature? Something I could read?
Thou comest in such a questionable shape
What with the budget and all.
That I will speak to thee: I'll call thee ROBOUTE GUILLIMAN,
CHAPTER MASTER, father, royal ULTRAMARINE PRIMARCH: O, answer me!
Let me not burst in ignorance; but tell
Why thy canonized, carbon-fiber reinforced bones, hearsed in stasis death,
Have burst their ceremites; why the sepulchre,
Wherein we saw thee quietly interred,
Hath opened his ponderous and marble jaws,
To cast thee up again. What may this mean,
That thou, dead corpse, again in complete blue steel
Revisits thus the glimpses of the moon,
CHAPTER MASTER night fighting saves made hideous; and we, fools of nature,
So horridly do shake our Fing balls off,
With thoughts beyond the reaches of our souls?
Say, why is this? Wherefore? What should we do?
What happens next? I’m bingo on dialogue. 


SCARY GHOST beckons WARHAMLET


SABER
It beckons you to go away with it,
As if it some impartment did desire
To you alone.


PRIVATE PLASMA
Look, with what courteous action
It waves you to a more removed ground:
But do not go with it.
That might be dumb.


SABER
No, by no means. No, that could be a Chaos Lord for sure. He would eat your soul like space buttered wonder bread. 


WARHAMLET
It will not speak; then I will follow it.


SABER
Do not, my lord. Please? For us?


WARHAMLET
Why, what should be the fear? I am fearless.
I do not set my life in a bolters fee;
And for my soul, what can it do to that,
Being a thing immortal as itself?
It waves me forth again: I'll follow it.


SABER
What if it tempt you toward the warp, my lord,
Or to the dreadful summit of the cliff
That beetles o'er his space base into the sea,
And there assume some other horrible form,
Which might deprive your sovereignty of reason
And draw you into madness? Think of it:
You have neither a 3 ++, nor a 3+ at that!
The very place puts miniature toys of desperation,
Without more motive, into every brain of every desperate nerd in the galaxy!
That looks so many fathoms to the vast cosmos
And hears it roar beneath. In anger. And awesomeness. 


WARHAMLET
It waves me still.
Look at it wave. 
Go on; I'll follow thee.


PRIVATE PLASMA
I will not do that, no. I am not fearless. Leadership check failed. 
I shall not go, my lord. Nor you.


WARHAMLET
Hold off your hands! Get your clammy acidic hands off of my junk! You will tarnish it!


SABER
Be ruled; you shall not go.


WARHAMLET
I rule. My fate cries out,
And makes each petty artery in this superhuman body
As hardy as the Space Wolves peerless nerve.
Still am I called. Unhand me, gentlemen.
By heaven, I'll make a SCARY GHOST of him that lets me!
I say, away! Go on; I'll follow thee.


Exeunt SCARY GHOST and WARHAMLET


SABER
He waxes desperate with imagination.


PRIVATE PLASMA
Let's follow; 'tis not fit thus to obey him. We are total weiners.


SABER
Balls. Have after. To what issue will this come?


PRIVATE PLASMA
Something is rotten in THE IMPERIUM OF MAN.


SABER
THE EMPEROR will protect it.


PRIVATE PLASMA
Nay, let's follow him. Let’s do it. 


Exeunt




ACT I. SCENE V. ULTRAMAR PRIME. Another part of the platform.
Enter SCARY GHOST and WARHAMLET


WARHAMLET
Where wilt thou lead me? Speak! I'll go no further. I have moved, and run!


SCARY GHOST
Mark me.


WARHAMLET
Mark.


SCARY GHOST
My hour is almost come,
When I to sulphurous and tormenting flames
Must render up myself.


WARHAMLET
Alas, poor SCARY GHOST DAD!


SCARY GHOST
Pity me not, but lend thy serious hearing
To what I shall unfold.


WARHAMLET
Speak; I am bound to hear. This will take hours.


SCARY GHOST
No time for the business if so art to revenge, then thou shalt hear.


WARHAMLET
What?


SCARY GHOST
I didn’t stutter. 


WARHAMLET
TRUTH OR DARE!


SCARY GHOST
TRUTH!


WARHAMLET
 ARE YOU REALLY MY GHOST DAD!?


SCARY GHOST
I am thy father's spirit,


WARHAMLET
That isn’t what I asked!


SCARY GHOST
Shush now, hammy. I am thy space dad,
Doomed for a certain term to walk the night,
And for the day confined to fast in fires,
Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature
Are burnt and purged away. But that I am forbid
To tell the secrets of my interdimensional prison-sphere,
I could a tale unfold whose lightest word
Would harrow up thy soul, freeze thy young blood,
Make thy two eyes, like stars, start from your skull,
Thy knotted and combined locks to part
And each particular hair to stand on end,
Like quills upon the fretful porcupine or beaver:
But this eternal blazon must not be
To ears of flesh and blood. Crumbs! Shoot! O, F!
If thou didst ever thy dear scary space ghost dad love--


WARHAMLET
Oh DADDY!


SCARY GHOST
Revenge his foul and most unnatural murder.


WARHAMLET
Murder!


SCARY GHOST
Dun dun dunnnnn.
Murder most foul, as in the best it is;
But this most foul, strange and unnatural.


WARHAMLET
Haste me to know it, that I, with jetpacks as swift
As meditation or the thoughts of love,
May sweep to my revenge.


SCARY GHOST
I find thee awesome;
And duller shouldst thou be than the fat blunt space weed
That roots itself in ease in Space Amsterdam,
Wouldst thou not get high and forget this! 


WARHAMLET
I learned it by watching you scary space ghost dad!


SCARY GHOST
You must talk to your mother to get in contact with our family therapist. 
I wish there was more time, but it is not in the dice.
Now, WARHAMLET, hear:
'Tis given out that, sleeping in my space orchard,
A serpent stung me; so the whole ear of THE IMPERIUM OF MAN
Is by a forged process of my death
Rankly abused: but know, thou noble youth,
The serpent that did sting thy father's life
Now wears his crown.


WARHAMLET
O my prophetic soul! My uncle! That douchenozzle!


SCARY GHOST
Ay, that incestuous, that adulterate beast,
With witchcraft of his wit, with traitorous gifts,--
O wicked wit and gifts, space wizard gifts! That have the power and force for weapons and...
So to seduce!--won to his shameful lust
The will of my most seeming-virtuous BATTLE MOTHER:
O WARHAMLET, what a falling-off was there!
From me, whose love was of that dignity
That it went fist in fist even with the vow
I made to her in marriage, and to decline
Upon a wretch whose statistical abilities were  much poorer
To those of mine!
But virtue, as it never will be moved,
Though lewdness court it in a shape of heaven,
So lust, though to a radiant battle angel linked,
Will sate itself in a celestial bed,
And prey on garbage. Gross tampon garbage. 
But, soft! I think I scent the morning air;
Brief, let me be. That was my best Yoda. OK. SO! Sleeping within my space orchard,
My custom always of the afternoon, after a massive meat sandwich and some afternoon delight, 
Upon my secure hour thy uncle snuck,
With juice of cursed Dark Eldar in a vial,
And in the canal of my ears did pour
The poisonous distilment; whose effect, 2 ++
Holds such an enmity with blood of man
That swift as quicksilver it courses through
The natural gates, alleys, ducts, and stints of the body,
And with a sudden vigor doth posit
And curd, like eager droppings into milk, or diarrhea into a toilet after too many green apples. 
The thin and wholesome blood: so did it mine;
And a most instant tatter barked about,
Most crazy-like, with vile and loathsome mouth and eye crust,
All my smooth, sexy, superhuman body.
Thus was I, sleeping, by a brother's hand
Of life, of crown, of BATTLE MOTHER, at once dispatched:
Cut off even in the blossoms of my sexy,
Unhooked, disappointed, dead,
No reckoning made, but sent to my account where I get charged overages because there is no service in dead. 
With all my imperfections on my head: My space goggles don’t work because batteries don’t work when your dead. 
O, horrible! O, horrible! Most horrible! Yeah. I think we’re about done here.
If thou hast nature in thee, bear it not;
Let not the royal bed of THE IMPERIUM OF MAN be
A couch for luxury and damned incest.
But, howsoever thou pursues this act,
Taint not thy mind, nor let thy soul contrive
Against thy mother, please. Leave her to heaven
And to those thorns that in her bosom lodge,
To prick and sting her. Fare thee well at once!
The glow-worm shows the suns to be near,
And shines to pale his ineffectual fire:
Later, duder! WARHAMLET, remember me! 


Exit


WARHAMLET
O all you host of heaven! O terra! Oh EMPEROR! What else? Oh BALLS!
And shall I couple hell? O, F! Hold, hold, my heart;
And you, my sinews, grow not instant old,
But bear me stiffly up. Remember thee!
Ay, thou poor SCARY GHOST DAD, while memory holds a seat
In this distracted memory system. Remember thee!
Yea, from the table of my memory servers
I'll wipe away all trivial fond records,
All shelves of ebooks, all forms, data, all pressures past, my porn,
That youth and observation copied there;
And thy commandment all alone shall live!
Within the whole terragigaflop book and volume of my computer brain,
Unmixed with baser matter: yes, by the Emperor!
O most pernicious woman!
O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!
My tables,--meet it is I set it down,
That one may smile, and smile, and be a villain;
At least I'm sure it may be so in THE IMPERIUM OF MAN:


Writing


So, uncle, there you are. Now to my word;
It is ' Later, dude! WARHAMLET, remember me! '
I have sworn it.


PRIVATE PLASMA SABER
[Within] My lord, my lord,--


PRIVATE PLASMA
[Within] Lord WARHAMLET,--


SABER
[Within] Capture and control him!


WARHAMLET
So be it!


SABER
[Within] Hello, yo, ho, hello! Can you hear me now, my lord!?


WARHAMLET
Hello, yes, yes, what?! Come, dudes, come.


Enter SABER and PRIVATE PLASMA


PRIVATE PLASMA
How is it, my noble lord?


SABER
What’s the deal, my lord?


WARHAMLET
O, wonderful! Good stuff! Here... 


SABER
Good, my lord, tell it. Spill it. Dish.


WARHAMLET
No; you'll reveal it.


SABER
Not I, my lord, by heaven.


PRIVATE PLASMA
Nor I, my lord.


WARHAMLET
How say you, then; would heart of man once think it?
But you'll be secret? For reals?


SABER 
Yeah, by The Emperor, my lord. 


PRIVATE PLASMA
For reals.


WARHAMLET
There's never a villain dwelling in all THE IMPERIUM OF MAN
But he's an arrant noob.


SABER
There needs no SCARY GHOST, my lord, come from the grave,
To tell us this.


WARHAMLET
Why, right; you are in the right;
And so, without more dicking around at all,
I hold it fit that we shake hands and part:
You, as your business and whatever and desire shall point you;
For every man has business and desire and whatever,
Such as it is; and for mine own poor part,
Look you, I'll go pray. 


SABER
These are but wild and whirling words, my lord.


WARHAMLET
I'm sorry they offend you, seriously;
Yes, dude. Seriously.


SABER
There's no offence, my lord.


WARHAMLET
Yes, by Saint CELESTINE, but there is, SABER,
And much offence too. Touching this vision here,
It is an honest SCARY GHOST, that, let me tell you:
For your desire to know what is between us,
Gamemaster it as you may. And now, good friends,
As you are friends, scholars and space marines,
Give me one poor request.


SABER
What is it, my lord? We will.


WARHAMLET
Never make known what you have seen tonight.


SABER/PRIVATE PLASMA
My lord, we will not.


WARHAMLET
No, but swear it. For reals.


SABER
In faith, My lord, not I. For reals


PRIVATE PLASMA
Nor I, my lord, in faith. For reals.


WARHAMLET
Upon my chainsword.


PRIVATE PLASMA
We have sworn, my lord, already. For reals. Like... a few times.


WARHAMLET
Indeed, upon my chainsword, indeed.


SCARY GHOST
[Beneath] Swear. FOR REALS!!!


WARHAMLET
Ah, ha, boy! Say you so? Art thou there,
dudeface?
Come on--you hear this fellow in the hell realm--
Consent to swear. For reals.


SABER
Propose the oath, my lord.


WARHAMLET
Never to speak of this that you have seen,
Swear by my chainsword. For reals.


SCARY GHOST
[Beneath] Swear. FOR REALS!


WARHAMLET
Hic et ubique? I don’t even speak that language. Then we'll shift our ground.
Let’s get a cover save. Just in case. Come hither, marines,
And lay your hands again upon my chainsword:
Never to speak of this that you have heard,
Swear by my chainsword. For... REals...


SCARY GHOST
[Beneath] Swear. FOR REALS!!!


WARHAMLET
Well said, old mole! That was super mean. SORRY GHOST DAD! Can’t work in the dirt so fast?
A worthy pioneer! Once more remove, good friends.


SABER
O day and night, but this is wondrous strange! Dude is off the chain!


WARHAMLET
And therefore as a stranger give it welcome.
There are more things in heaven and earth and time and space, SGT. SABER,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy ebooks. But come;
Here, as before, never, so help you mercy,
How strange or odd soever I bear myself,
As I perchance hereafter shall think meet
To put an antic... perhaps manic disposition on,
That you, at such times seeing me, never shall,
With bolters encumbered thus, or this headshake,
Or by pronouncing of some doubtful phrase,
As 'Well, well, WTF?,' or 'We could, an if we would, but we won’t... so whatever'
Or 'If we list to speak,' or 'There be, an if they might,'
Or such ambiguous giving out, to note
That you know aught of me: this not to do,
So grace and mercy at your most need help you, Swear... For REALS!


SCARY GHOST
[Beneath] Swear. FOR REALS!!!


WARHAMLET
Rest, rest, perturbed spirit dad!
They swear
So, marines,
With all my love I do commend me to you:
And what so poor a man as WARHAMLET is
May do, to express his love and friending and +1ing or whatever the hell to you,
EMPEROR willing, shall not lack. Let us go in together;
And still your fingers on your lips, I pray.
The time is out of joint: O cursed spite,
That ever I was born to set it right!
Nay, come, let's go together. We’re cool. 


Exeunt


ACT II: The Hook.


ACT II. SCENE I. A room in TIGERIOUS' space fort.
Enter TIGERIOUS and TELLION


LORD TIGERIOUS
Give him these space bucks and these notes, TELLION.


TELLION
I will, my lord.


LORD TIGERIOUS
You shall do marvelous wisely, good TELLION,
Before you visit him, to make inquire
Of his behavior.


TELLION
My lord, I did intend it.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Marry, well said; very well said. Look you, sir,
Inquire me first what forces are in SPACE;
And how, and who, what means, and where they keep,
What company, at what expense; and finding
By this encompassment and drift of question
That they do know my son, come you more nearer
Than your particular demands will touch it:
Take you, as it were, some distant knowledge of him;
As thus, 'I know his father and his friends,
And in part him:  do you mark this, TELLION?


TELLION
Yes, very well, my lord.


LORD TIGERIOUS
And in part him; but' you may say 'not well:
But, if it be he I mean, he's very wild;
Addicted to such and such:' and there put on him
What forgeries you please; crumbs, none so rank
As may dishonor him; take heed of that;
But, sir, such wanton, wild and usual slips
As are companions noted and most known
To youth and liberty.


TELLION
As war gaming, my lord.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Yes, or drinking. Shooting smack, fencing, swearing, quarrelling,
porking: you may go so far.


TELLION
My lord, that would dishonor him.


LORD TIGERIOUS
'Faith, no; as you may season it in the charge
You must not put another scandal on him,
That he is open to incontinency; On this all depends.


TELLION
Lolz!


LORD TIGERIOUS
Lolz indeed.
That's not my meaning: but breathe his faults so quaintly
That they may seem the taints of liberty,
The flash and outbreak of a fiery mind,
A savageness in unreclaimed blood,
Of general assault... phase.


TELLION
But, my good lord,--


LORD TIGERIOUS
Wherefore should you do this?


TELLION
Yes, my lord,
I would know that.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Crumbs, sir, here's my deal;
And I believe, it is a fetch of wit:
You laying these slight sullies on my son,
As it were a thing a little soiled in the word. Mark you,
Your party in converse, him you would sound,
Having ever seen in the prenominate crimes
The youth you breathe of guilty, be assured
He closes with you in this consequence;
'Good sir,' or so, or 'friend,' or marine,'
According to the phrase or the addition
Of superman and planet.


TELLION
Very good, my lord.


LORD TIGERIOUS
And then, sir, does he this--he does--what was I
about to say? Meth is a helluva drug. By the mass, I was about to say
something: where did I leave? Where’s my medicine. Psychic hood ho!


TELLION
At 'closes in the consequence,' at 'friend or so,'
and marine.'


LORD TIGERIOUS
At 'closes in the consequence,' ay, yes... balls...;
He closes thus: 'I know the marine;
I saw him yesterday, or the other day,
Or then, or then; with such, or such; and, as you say,
There was a miniature gaming; there overtook the entire basement;
There falling out at nintendo:' or perchance,
'I saw him enter such a house of sale,'
Crack house, a brothel, or so forth.
See you now;
Your bait of falsehood takes this carp of truth:
And thus do we of wisdom and of reach,
With windlasses and with assays of bias,
By indirections find directions out:
So by my former lecture and advice,
Shall you my son. You have me, have you not? Am I broadcasting to myself?


TELLION
I read you, my lord. We’re good here.


LORD TIGERIOUS
EMPEROR be with you; fare you well.


TELLION
Sure, my lord!


LORD TIGERIOUS
Observe his inclination in yourself.


TELLION
I shall, my lord.


LORD TIGERIOUS
And let him ply his music.


TELLION
Great, my lord. Tits. Really.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Farewell!


Exit TELLION


Enter BATTLE SISTER O


How now, BATTLE SISTER O! What's the matter?


BATTLE SISTER O
O, my lord dad, my  wizard lord dad, I have been so affrighted!


LORD TIGERIOUS
With what, in the name of the EMPEROR?


BATTLE SISTER O
My lord, as I was welding in my armory,
Lord WARHAMLET, with his gear all unbuckled;
No helmet upon his head; his stocking smelling of bad cheese. 
Ungartered, and down-graded to his space boots;
Pale as his shirt; his knees clanging each other;
And with a look so piteous in purport
As if he had been loosed out of the warp
To speak of horrors,--he comes before me.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Mad for thy love?


BATTLE SISTER O
Crumbs, my lord, I do not know!
But truly, I do fear it.


LORD TIGERIOUS
What said he?


BATTLE SISTER O
He took me by the wrist and held me hard;
Then goes he to the length of all his arm;
And, with his other hand thus over his brow,
He falls to such perusal of my face
As he would draw it. Long stayed he so;
At last, a little shaking of mine arm
And thrice his head thus waving up and down,
He raised a sigh so piteous and profound
As it did seem to shatter all his bulk
And end his being: that done, he lets me go:
And, with his head over his shoulder turned,
He seemed to find his way without his eyes;
For out of doors he went without their aid,
And, to the last, bended their light on me.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Come, go with me: I will go seek the CHAPTER MASTER.


BATTLE SISTER O
Come, go with me? You make no logical sense.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Talk not of sense!
This is the very ecstasy of love,
Whose violent property fordoes itself
And leads the will to desperate undertakings
As oft as any passion in space time
That does afflict our natures. I am sorry. Totally sorry, kitten.
What, have you given him any hard words of late?


BATTLE SISTER O
No, my good wizard lord, but, as you did command,
I did repel his fetters and denied
His access to me.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Your verjiner?


BATTLE SISTER O
Daddy! Don’t use that word.


LORD TIGERIOUS
It is that verjiner,
That hath made him mad.
I am sorry that with better heed and judgment
I had not quoted him: I feared he did but trifle,
And meant to wreck thee; but, beshrew my jealousy!
By heaven, it is as proper to our age
To cast beyond ourselves in our opinions
As it is common for the younger sort
To lack discretion. Come, go we to the CHAPTER MASTER:
This must be known; which, being kept close, might
move
More grief to hide than hate to utter love.


BATTLE SISTER O
What?


LORD TIGERIOUS
Never you mind, young battle lady... never you mind. Go! We come!


Exeunt


ACT II. SCENE II. A different room in the space castle.
Enter CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR, BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and SERVO SKULLS


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Welcome, dear Rosencrantz and Guildenstern!
Moreover that we much did long to see you,
The need we have to use you did provoke
Our hasty e-greeting. Something have you heard
Of WARHAMLET's transformation; so call it,
Sith... or whatever sci-fi afliction... nor the exterior nor the inward man
Resembles that it was. What it should be,
More than his father's death, that thus hath put him
So much from the understanding of himself,
I cannot dream of: I entreat you both,
That, being of so young days brought up with him,
And sith so neighbored to his youth and sexy,
That you vouchsafe your rest here in our court
Some little time: so by your companies
To draw him on to pleasures, miniature games and party pizzas and what not, and to gather,
So much as from occasion you may glean,
Whether aught, to us unknown, afflicts him thus,
That, opened, lies within our remedy.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Good gentlemen, he hath much talked of you;
And sure I am two space men there are not living
To whom he more adheres. If it will please you
To show us so much gentry and good will
As to expend your time with us awhile,
For the supply and profit of our hope,
Your visitation shall receive such thanks
As fits a CHAPTER MASTER's remembrance.


ROSENCRANTZ
Both your space majesties
Might, by the sovereign power you have of us,
Put your dread pleasures more into command
Than to entreaty.


GUILDENSTERN
But as you command or entreat, we both obey,
And here give up ourselves, in the full bent
To lay our service freely at your space boots,
To be commanded.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Thanks, Rosencrantz and gentle Guildenstern.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Thanks, Guildenstern and gentle Rosencrantz:
And I beseech you instantly to visit
My too much changed son. Go, some of you... creepy F’ing skulls,
And bring these gentlemen to where WARHAMLET is.


GUILDENSTERN
Heavens make our presence and our practices
Pleasant and helpful to him!


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Sure! Whatever!


Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and some SERVO SKULLS


Enter TIGERIOUS


LORD TIGERIOUS
The ambassadors from THE KARUVAS SYSTEM, my good lord,
Are joyfully returned.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Thou still hast been the father of good news.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Have I, my master? I assure my good liege,
I hold my duty, as I hold my soul,
Both to my EMPEROR and to my gracious CHAPTER MASTER:
And I do think, or else this brain of mine
Hunts not the trail of policy so sure
As it hath used to do, that I have found
The very cause of WARHAMLET's lunacy.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
O, speak of that; that do I long to hear. I suspect mind-shackle scarabs. 


LORD TIGERIOUS
Give first admittance to the ambassadors;
My news shall be the fruit to that great feast.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Thyself do grace to them, and bring them in. I am busy being too cool to do that.


Exit TIGERIOUS


He tells me, my dear Gertrude, he hath found
The head and source of all your son's distemper.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
I doubt it is no other but the main;
His father's death, and our overhasty marriage.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Well, we shall sift him. Really? You think it is just that though? Probably. Makes sense...


Re-enter TIGERIOUS, with CHAPLAIN CASSIUS and CAPTAIN CORN


Welcome, my good friends!
Say, CHAPLAIN CASSIUS, what from our ally THE KARUVAS SYSTEM?


CHAPLAIN CASSIUS
Most fair return of greetings and desires.
Upon our first, he sent out to suppress
His nephew's levies; which to him appear'd
To be a preparation against the Librarian;
But, better looked into, he truly found
It was against your highness: whereat grieved,
That so his sickness, age and impotence
Was falsely borne in hand, sends out arrests
On LEVAR BURTON; which he, in brief, obeys;
Receives rebuke from THE KARUVAS SYSTEM, and in fine
Makes vow before his uncle never more
To give the assay of arms against your majesty.
Whereon THE KARUVAS SYSTEM, overcome with joy,
Gives him three thousand crowns in annual fee,
And his commission to employ those soldiers,
So levied as before, against the Librarian:
With an entreaty, herein further shown,


Giving a paper


That it might please you to give quiet space passage
Through your stellar dominions for this enterprise,
On such regards of safety and allowance
As therein are set down.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
It likes us well; Me likes. Likes and shares...
And at our more considered time well read,
Answer, and think upon this business.
Meantime we thank you for your well-took labor:
Go to your rest; at night we'll feast together:
Most welcome home!


Exeunt CHAPLAIN CASSIUS and CAPTAIN CORN


LORD TIGERIOUS
This business is well ended.
My liege, and madam, to expostulate
What majesty should be, what duty is,
Why day is day, night night, and time is time,
Were nothing but to waste night, day and time.
Therefore, since brevity is the soul of wit,
And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes,
I will be brief: your noble son is mad: Bat-Shit Crazy-Mad
Mad call I it; for, to define true madness,
What is it but to be nothing else but mad?
But let that go.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
More matter, with less art.


LORD TIGERIOUS
A tall order indeed, Madam, I swear I use no art at all. This show is art-free for your protection.
That he is mad, 'tis true: 'tis true 'tis pity;
And pity 'tis 'tis true: a foolish figure;
But farewell it, for I will use no art. Or arts. For that matter...
Mad let us grant him, then: and now remains
That we find out the cause of this effect,
Or rather say, the cause of this defect,


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Painlolz.


LORD TIGERIOUS
For this effect defective comes by cause:
Thus it remains, and the remainder thus. 
I have a daughter--have while she is mine--
Who, in her duty and obedience, digg,
Hath given me this: now gather, and surmise.
Reads
'To the celestial battle sister and my soul's idol, the most
beautified BATTLE SISTER O,'--
That's an ill phrase, a vile phrase; 'beautified' is
a vile phrase: but you shall hear. Thus:
Reads
'In her excellent white bosom, and brilliant pink verginer these, etc.’ It goes on.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Came this from WARHAMLET to her?


LORD TIGERIOUS
Yes! That is what I am telling you!
Good madam, stay awhile; I will be faithful.
Reads
'Doubt thou the stars are plasma;
Doubt that the sun doth move through space time;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love.
'O dearest BATTLE SISTER O, I am ill at these letters;
I have not art to reckon my groans: but that
I love thee best, O most best, believe it. 
Thine evermore most dear lady, whilst
this machine is to him, <3. WARHAMLET.'
This, in obedience, hath my daughter shown me,
And more above, hath his soliciting,
As they fell out by time, by means and place,
All given to mine ear.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Balls.
But how hath she
Received his love?


LORD TIGERIOUS
Is that a crack? Because if that’s a crack...
What do you think of me?


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
As of a man faithful and honorable.


LORD TIGERIOUS
I would fain prove so. But what might you think,
When I had seen this hot love... sexy... letter on the screen--
As I perceived it, I must tell you that,
Before my daughter told me--what might you,
Or my dear majesty your BATTLE MOTHER here, think,
If I had played the desk or table-book,
Or given my heart a winking, mute and dumb,
Or looked upon this love with idle sight;
What might you think? No, I went round to work,
And my young mistress thus I did bespeak:
'Lord WARHAMLET is a prince, out of thy star; out of thy system. 
This must not be:' and then I precepts gave her, a lecture... of sorts.
That she should lock herself from his advances, sexually...
Admit no messengers, receive no tokens. Or candy. Especially candy. You can drug candy...
When done bitching, she took the fruits of my advice;
And he, repulsed--a short tale to make--
Fell into a sadness, depression, then into a fast,
Thence to a watch, thence into a weakness, thence into a mild coma,
Thence to waking up. Thence to a sandwich. Thence to a poop. Thence to a lightness, and, by this declension,
Into the madness wherein now he raves, and rants, 
And all we mourn for.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Do you think it is this? That it is this which sticks its dick in WARHAMLET’s Cheerios?


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
It may be, very likely.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Hath there been such a time--I'd fain know that--
That I have positively said 'Tis so,' 
When it proved otherwise?


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Not that I know. I don’t know. Probably. You said I would like “Ghost Rider”, but I don’t like Nicholas Cage. 


LORD TIGERIOUS
ASSIDE from the film, “Ghost Rider”...
[Pointing to his head and shoulder]
Take this from this, if this be otherwise: With a massive power axe. 
If circumstances lead me, I will find
Where truth is hid, though it were hid indeed
Within the table centre.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
How may we try it further?


LORD TIGERIOUS
You know, sometimes he walks four hours together
Here in the lobby. Or out there... in the space fort?


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
So he does indeed.


LORD TIGERIOUS
At such a time I'll loose my daughter to him:
Be you and I behind a bullet and laser-proof wall then;
Peep on the non-random encounter: if he love her not
And be not from his reason fallen thereon,
Let me be no assistant for a state,
But keep a farm and carters.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
WTF, Chief Librarian Tigerious? What... the... F does that mean?


LORD TIGERIOUS
I don’t know man. We’ll peep. On their business. And try not to frighten them. Get some recon? What do you say, CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR? 


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
We will try it.


LORD TIGERIOUS
That’s the spirit!


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
But, look, where sadly the poor wretch comes e-reading.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Away, I do beseech you, both away:
I'll board him presently.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
What? Like waterboard him?


LORD TIGERIOUS
Did I say board? I meant bore. 


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Ah. Good. We’re out.


[Aside]


What an assclown is this?


Exeunt CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR, BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE, and SERVO SKULLS


Enter WARHAMLET, reading


LORD TIGERIOUS
O, give me leave:
How does my good Lord WARHAMLET?


WARHAMLET
Well, EMPEROR-a-mercy.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Do you know me, my lord?


WARHAMLET
Excellent well; you are a fishmonger.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Not I, my lord.


WARHAMLET
Then I would you were so honest a dude.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Honest, my lord!


WARHAMLET
Yeah, sir; to be honest, as this world goes, is to be
one man picked out of ten thousand.


LORD TIGERIOUS
That's very true, my lord.


WARHAMLET
For if the sun breed maggots in a dead dog, being a
EMPEROR kissing carrion,--Have you a daughter?


LORD TIGERIOUS
I have, my lord.


WARHAMLET
Let her not walk in the sun: She is a space-vampire. Conception is a
blessing: but not as your daughter may conceive.
Friend, look to it. Duder. For reals.


LORD TIGERIOUS
[Aside] How say you by that? Still pimpin on my
daughter: yet he knew me not at first; he said I
was a fishmonger: I hate fish. He is far gone, far gone: and
truly in my youth I suffered much extremity for
love; very near this. I'll speak to him again. Check THIS out, people!
What do you read, my lord WARHAMLET?


WARHAMLET
Words, words, words.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Lolz... What is the matter, my lord?


WARHAMLET
Between who?


LORD TIGERIOUS
I mean, the matter that you read, my lord.


WARHAMLET
Slanders, sir: for the satirical rogue says here
that old men have grey beards, that their faces are
wrinkled, their eyes purging thick amber and
plum-tree gum and that they have a plentiful lack of
wit, together with most weak hams: He also claims to be able to build a space pyramid... all which, sir,
though I most powerfully and potently believe, yet
I hold it not honesty to have it thus set down, for
yourself, sir, should be old as I am, if like a crab
you could go backward.


LORD TIGERIOUS
[Aside] Though this be madness, yet there is method
in it. Maybe he’s just talking crazy to seem crazy. Like a soon to be ex girlfriend drafting terrible poetry on papers. Will you walk out of the air, my lord?


WARHAMLET
Into my grave.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Indeed, that is out of the air. Except casket air. Which I understand smells like lemon.
Aside
How pregnant sometimes his replies are! And boring! A happiness
that often madness hits on, which reason and sanity
could not so prosperously be delivered of. I will
leave him, and suddenly contrive the means of
meeting between him and my daughter. Before I do that I will brush my teeth and check my FB. I think I have well and truly bored him. --My honorable
lord, I am so terribly bored, and if I’ve done my job you’re just aching for me to leave as much as I want to get the F out, so I will most humbly take my leave of you.


WARHAMLET
You cannot, sir, take from me any thing that I will
more willingly part withal: except my life, 


LORD TIGERIOUS
Zing!


WARHAMLET
Except my life.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Zang!
WARHAMLET
Except my life.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Zounds! Fare you well, my lord. Stay away from my little girl or I’ll cut your little dick off. Cheerio.


WARHAMLET
These tedious old fools! This guy, and others as well!!!


Enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN
LORD TIGERIOUS


You go to seek the Lord WARHAMLET; there he is. Attitude and all.


ROSENCRANTZ
[To TIGERIOUS] THE GOD EMPEROR save you, sir!


Exit TIGERIOUS


GUILDENSTERN
My honored lord!


ROSENCRANTZ
My most dear lord!


WARHAMLET
My excellent good friends! Sup!? How dost thou,
Guildenstern? Ah, Rosencrantz! Good lads, how do ye both?


ROSENCRANTZ
As the indifferent children of the galaxy.


GUILDENSTERN
Happy, in that we are not over-happy;
On fortune's helmet we are not the very rivet.


WARHAMLET
Nor the soles of her space boot?


ROSENCRANTZ
Neither, my lord.


WARHAMLET
Then you live about her waist, or in the middle of
her genitals?


GUILDENSTERN
Faith, her privates we.
WARHAMLET
In the secret parts of fortune? Super secret sexy parts? O, most true; she
is a strumpet. What's the deal?


ROSENCRANTZ
Nothing, my lord, but that the world's grown boring.


WARHAMLET
Then is doomsday near: but your news is not true.
Let me question more in particular: what have you,
my good marines, deserved at the hands of fortune,
that she sends you to prison hither?


GUILDENSTERN
Prison, my lord!?


ROSENCRANTZ
I can’t go back inside! I owe people in stuff that can’t be returned!


WARHAMLET
THE IMPERIUM OF MAN is a prison.


ROSENCRANTZ
Then is the galaxy one.


WARHAMLET
A goodly one; in which there are many confines, wizards and
wards and dungeons and dragons, THE IMPERIUM OF MAN being one of the worst.
ROSENCRANTZ
We think not so, my lord.


WARHAMLET
Why, then, it is nothing to you; for there is nothing
either good or bad, but thinking makes it so: to me
it is a prison.


ROSENCRANTZ
Why then, your ambition makes it one; It is too
narrow for your mind.


WARHAMLET
O EMPEROR, I could be bounded in a nut shell and count
myself a CHAPTER MASTER of infinite space and time, were it not that I
have bad dreams.


ROSENCRANTZ
For reals? You bitch. Take some F’ing Melatonin dude. 


GUILDENSTERN
Dreams are ambition, for the very
substance of the ambitious is merely the shadow of a dream.


WARHAMLET
A dream itself is but a shadow. And electricity. Moisture. Wet electricity.


ROSENCRANTZ
Truly, and I hold ambition of so airy and light a
quality that it is but a shadow's shadow and wet-electric electricity.


WARHAMLET
Then are our guardsman’s bodies, and our Primarchs and
outstretched eternal heroes the guardsman’s’ shadows. Shall we
to the galactic center? For, by my F, I cannot reason.


ROSENCRANTZ 
We'll wait upon you.


GUILDENSTERN
Make you Hot Pockets and Easy Mac.


WARHAMLET
No such matter: I will not sort you with the rest
of my servitors, for, to speak to you like an honest
man, I am most dreadfully attended. 
Big clunky claws cannot make a good omelet. 
But, in the beaten way of friendship, 
what makes you be at THE IMPERIUM OF MAN?


ROSENCRANTZ
To visit you, my lord; no other occasion.


WARHAMLET
Guardsman that I am, I am even crappy in thanks; but I
thank you: and sure, dear friends, my thanks are
too dear for money. Were you not sent for? Is it
your own inclining? Is it a free visitation? For reals? Come,
deal justly with me: come, come; speak.


GUILDENSTERN
What should we say, my lord?


ROSENCRANTZ
Would you like to hear about Tom Stoppard?


WARHAMLET
Not really. But, any other thing, but to the purpose. You were sent
for; and there is a kind of confession in your looks
which your modesties have not warcraft enough to color:
I know the good CHAPTER MASTER and BATTLE MOTHER have sent for you.


ROSENCRANTZ
To what end, my lord?


WARHAMLET
That you must teach me. They want me to get a degree from home. But I have other plans... 
Let me conjure you, by
the rights of our fellowship, by the consonance of
our youth, by the obligation of our ever-preserved
love, and by what more dear a better proposer could
charge you withal, be even and direct with me,
whether you were sent for, or no?


ROSENCRANTZ
[Aside to GUILDENSTERN] What say you?


WARHAMLET
[Aside] Nay, then, I have a cyber-eye of you.--If you
love me, hold not off.


GUILDENSTERN
My lord, we were sent for.


ROSENCRANTZ
Busted!


WARHAMLET
I will tell you why; so shall my anticipation
prevent your discovery and your secrecy to the CHAPTER MASTER
and BATTLE MOTHER molt no feather. I have of late--but
wherefore I know not--lost all my mirth, forgone all
custom of battle exercises; and indeed it goes so heavily
with my disposition that this goodly frame, the
Imperium, seems to me a sterile promontory, this most
excellent transparent canopy, the air, look you, this brave
overhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted
with golden fire, why, it appears no other thing to
me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors.
What a piece of work is a superman! How noble and programed in reason!
How infinite in faculty! In form and moving how
express and admirable! In action how like an angel! A Blood Angel...
in apprehension how like THE EMPEROR! The beauty of the
worlds! The paragon of animals! And yet, to me,
what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not
me: no, nor woman neither, nor mutant, nor heretic, though by your smiling
you seem to say so.


ROSENCRANTZ
My lord, there was no such stuff in my thoughts.


GUILDENSTERN
I am trying not to sneeze.


WARHAMLET
Why did you laugh then, when I said 'man delights not me'?


ROSENCRANTZ
It was, pretty gay. To think, my lord, if you delight not in man, what
Lenten entertainment the gamers shall receive from
you: we got hammered with them on the way; and hither are they
coming, to offer you service.


WARHAMLET
He that plays the CHAPTER MASTER shall be welcome; his majesty
shall have tribute of me; the adventurous knight
shall use his power sword and targeting system; the lover shall not
sigh gratis; the humorous man shall end his part
in peace; the clown shall make those laugh whose
lungs are tickled bone dry; and the lady shall
say her mind freely... because we will have wine coolers... or the blank verse shall halt
for it. What gamers are they?


ROSENCRANTZ
Even those you were wont to take delight in, the
tragedians of the cityscape.


WARHAMLET
How chances it they travel? Their residence, both
in reputation and profit, was better both ways.


ROSENCRANTZ
I think their inhibition comes by the means of the
late innovation.


WARHAMLET
Do they hold the same estimation they did when I was
in the city? Are they so followed?


ROSENCRANTZ
No, indeed, are they not.


WARHAMLET
How comes it? Do they grow rusty? Using old codex? Not painted?


ROSENCRANTZ
Nay, their endeavor keeps in the wonted pace: but
there is, sir, an aerie of children, little asshats,
that cry out on the top of question, on American Idol, and are most
tyrannically clicked for: these are now the
fashion, and so battle the common links--so they
call them--that many wearing chainswords are afraid of
ipads and dare scarce come thither.


WARHAMLET
What, are they children? Who produces them? How are
they linked? Will they pursue the HD quality no
longer than they can sing terribly? Will they not say
afterwards, if they should grow themselves to common
gamers--as it is most like, if their means are no
better--their writers do them wrong, to make them
exclaim against their own edition?


ROSENCRANTZ
Faith, there has been much to do on both sides; and
the planets hold it no sin to irritate them to online
controversy: there was, for a while, no money bid
for argument, or clicks, unless the poster and the gamer went to
cuffs in the question.


WARHAMLET
Is it possible? To get arrested to bad internet?


GUILDENSTERN
O, there has been much throwing out of brains.


WARHAMLET
Do the boys throw it away?


ROSENCRANTZ
Ay, that they do, my lord; Sanguinious and his dudes too.


WARHAMLET
It is not very strange; for mine uncle is CHAPTER MASTER of
THE IMPERIUM OF MAN, and those that would make mows at him while
my father lived, give twenty, forty, fifty, an
hundred space-bucks a-piece for his picture in little.
Blood, there is something in this blood more than
natural, if philosophy could find it out.


Flourish of trumpets within


GUILDENSTERN
There are the gamers.


WARHAMLET
Space Marines, you are welcome to THE IMPERIUM OF MAN. Your hands,
come then... wash them. I remember your pink eye. The appurtenance of welcome is fashion
and ceremony: let me comply with you in this garb, I’ll keep my pants on,
lest my extent to the gamers, which, I tell you,
must show fairly outward, should more appear like
entertainment than yours. You also must keep you pants on. Unless we all go no-pants. You are welcome: but my uncle-father and aunt-mother are deceived.


GUILDENSTERN
Super-weird, WARHAMLET. That is super weird. 


WARHAMLET
Right?


GUILDENSTERN
In what, my dear lord?


WARHAMLET
In what?


GUILDENSTERN
What you were saying?


WARHAMLET
What?


ROSENCRANTZ
Are you on the pipe, lord?


GUILDENSTERN
In what, my dear lord, are your uncle-father and aunt-mother are deceived.?


WARHAMLET
I am but mad north-north-west: when the wind is
southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw.


ROSENCRANTZ
F!


GUILDENSTERN
He is TOTALLY on the pipe. Space crack. F. 


Enter TIGERIOUS


LORD TIGERIOUS
THE GOD EMPEROR be with you, space marines!


WARHAMLET
Hark you, Guildenstern; and you too... whatever your name is: 
at each ear a hearer: that great baby you see there is not yet
out of his swaddling clothes.


ROSENCRANTZ
Happily he's the second time come to them; for they
say an old man is twice a child.


WARHAMLET
I will prophesy he comes to tell me of the gamers;
Digg it. You say right, sir: Monday morning;
was so indeed.


LORD TIGERIOUS
My lord, I have news to tell you.


WARHAMLET
My lord, I have news to tell you.
When Tome Cruise was an actor in Hollywood, and not just straight to DVD--


LORD TIGERIOUS
The gamers are come hither, my lord.


WARHAMLET
Buzz, buzz! WE HAVE A WINNER ALEX!


LORD TIGERIOUS
Upon mine honor,--


WARHAMLET
Then came each gamer on his ass, his... pimply ass--


LORD TIGERIOUS
The best gamers in the world, either for tragedy,
comedy, history, pastoral, pastoral-comical,
historical-pastoral, tragical-historical, tragical-
comical-historical-pastoral, scene individable, or
hero unlimited, miniature tabletop, tabletop paper miniature, 
4.2D Hexadecimal recreation, LARPing recreation with or without miniature: 
Artillery cannot be too heavy, nor
lances too bright. For the law of writ and the
liberty, these are the only dudes.


WARHAMLET
O, Howard "Mr. C". Cunningham, of the 20th century’s Happy Days!! What a treasure hadst thou!


LORD TIGERIOUS
What a treasure had he, my lord?


WARHAMLET
Why,
'One fair daughter and no more,
The which he loved very well.'


LORD TIGERIOUS
[Aside] Still on my daughter. I hated Happy Days. 


WARHAMLET
Am I not in the right, about Mr. C?


LORD TIGERIOUS
If you call me Mr. C, my lord, then I have a daughter
that I love very well.


WARHAMLET
No, that follows not.


LORD TIGERIOUS
What follows, then, my lord crazypants?


WARHAMLET
Why,
'As by Fonz, EMPEROR woot,'
and then, you know,
'It came to pass, as most like it was,'—Jump the SHARK!
The first roll of the pious dice will show you
more; for look, where my abridgement comes.


Enter four or five Gamers


You are welcome, gamemasters; welcome, all. I am glad
to see thee well. Welcome, good friends. O, my old
friend! Thy face is totally cleared up since I saw thee last:
Comest thou to school me in THE IMPERIUM OF MAN? What, my young
lady and mistress! By our lady of battle, your ladyship is
nearer to heaven than when I saw you last, by the
altitude of a Thunderhawk. Pray EMPEROR, your voice, like
apiece of cursed gold, be not trapped within the one true
ring. Gamemasters, you are all welcome. We'll get down on
it like Ravenwing falconers, fly at any thing we see:
we'll have a speech check: come, give us a taste
of your games; come, a passionate rant.
FIRST GAMER
What rant, my lord?


WARHAMLET
I heard thee rant me a rant once, but it was
never played; or, if it was, not above once; for the
tactic, I remember, pleased not the million hits we were expecting; 'twas
caviar to the space general: but it was--as I received
it, and others, whose judgments in such matters
cried in the top of mine--an excellent tactic, well
digested in the turns, set down with as much
modesty as cunning. I remember, one said there
were no cheeses in the list to make the matter
delicious, nor no matter in the phase that might
indict the rules lawyer of victory; but called it an
honest method, as wholesome as sweet action, and by very
much more handsome than fine. One turn in it I
chiefly loved: 'twas Russ’s tale to Bjorn; and
thereabout of it especially, where he speaks of
Archon Q’s slaughter: if it live in your memory, begin
at this line: let me see, let me see--
'The rugged Vulkan, like the Fenrisian beast,'--
it is not so:--it begins with Vulkan:--
'The rugged Vulkan, he whose sable arms,
Black as his purpose, did the night resemble
When he lay couched in the War Forge,
Hath now this dread and black complexion smeared
With heraldry more dismal; Helmet to Space Boot
Now is he total gules; horridly tricked
With blood of fathers, mothers, daughters, sons,
Baked and impacted with the parching streets,
That lend a tyrannous and damned light
To their lord's murder: roasted in wrath and fire,
And thus over-sized with coagulate gore,
With eyes like carbuncles, the hellish Vulkan
Old Dark Eldar Archon Q seeks.'
So, proceed you.


LORD TIGERIOUS
By the EMPEROR, my lord, well spoken, with good accent and
good discretion.


WARHAMLET
I AM AN ACTOR! I AM ACTING!!! MERELY ACTING!!!


FIRST GAMER
'Anon he finds him
Striking too slow at Dark Eldar; his master crafted relic blade,
Rebellious to his arm, lies where it falls,
Repugnant to command: unequal matched,
Vulkan at Archon Q drives; in rage strikes wide;
But with the whiff and wind of Q’s poisoned blade,  
The unnerved Primarch falls. Then senseless Vulcan,
Seeming to feel this blow, with flaming backpack falls.
Q stoops to his base, and with a hideous finger
Takes prisoner Vulkan's ear: But, lo! his relic blade,
Which was declining on the milky head
Of Archon Q, seemed in the air to stick:
Shadow Field. 2++.
So, as a beautifully painted tyrant, Vulkan stood,
And like a neutral to his will and matter,
Did nothing.
But, as we often see, against some storm,
A silence in the heavens, the rack stand still,
The bold winds speechless and the orb below
As hush as death, anon the dreadful thunder
Doth rend the region, so, after Vulkan's pause,
Aroused vengeance sets him new a-work;
And never did the Thunder hammers fall
On WARFORGE Mars's armory, forged for proof eternal,
With less remorse than Vulkan's bleeding blade
Now falls on Archon Q.
Out, out, thou strumpet, Fortune! All you GODS,
In general synod 'take away her power;
Break all the spokes and fellies from her wheel,
And bowl the round nave down the hill of heaven,
As low as to the fiends!'


LORD TIGERIOUS
This is too long. That was a crap battle report.


WARHAMLET
It shall to the barber's, with your beard. I pray thee,
say on: he's a total norm who watches FOX news, or he
sleeps: say on: come to the good part.


FIRST GAMER
But who, O, who had seen the hooded BATTLE MOTHER--'


WARHAMLET
'The hooded BATTLE MOTHER?'


LORD TIGERIOUS
That's good; Hooded BATTLE MOTHER' is good. I am making an effort here. Nerds.


FIRST GAMER
Run barefoot up and down, threatening the flames
With flame retardant armor; a helmet upon that head
Where late the diadem stood, and for a robe,
About her lank and all over-teemed loins,
A blanket, in the alarm of fear caught up;
Who this had seen, with tongue in venom steeped,
Against Fortune's state would treason have
pronounced:
But if the GODs themselves did see her then
When she saw Vulkan make malicious sport
In mincing with his poison blade her husband's limbs,
The instant burst of flamer that she made,
Unless things mortal move them not at all,
Would have made black the burning eyes of heaven,
And passion in the GODs.'


LORD TIGERIOUS
Look, whether he has not turned his color and has
tears in his eyes. Pray you, no more. This is super nerdy.


WARHAMLET
Tis well: I'll have thee speak out the rest soon. We will put it on the youtubes.
Good my lord, will you see the gamers well
bestowed? Do you hear, let them be well used; for
they are the abstract and brief chroniclers of the
time: after your death you were better have a bad
epitaph than their ill statistical appraisal while you live.


LORD TIGERIOUS
My lord, I will use them according to their desert.


WARHAMLET
THE EMPEROR's GOLDEN THRONE!!!... Man, do much better: use every man
after his desert, and who should escape whipping?
Use them after your own honor and dignity: the less
they deserve, the more merit is in your bounty.
Take them in. Let them crash on your futons.


LORD TIGERIOUS
Come, sirs. Your futons await.


WARHAMLET
Follow him, friends: we'll play tomorrow.


Exit TIGERIOUS with all the Gamers but the First


Dost thou hear me, old friend; can we play the
Horus Heresy?


FIRST GAMER
Ay, my lord.


WARHAMLET
We'll do it tomorrow night. You could, for a need,
study a codex of some dozen or sixteen pages, which
I would set down and insert into it, could you not?


FIRST GAMER
Sure, my lord.


WARHAMLET
Very well. Follow that wizard dude; and look you mock him
not. He has every psychic ability.


SECOND GAMER
For reals?


WARHAMLET
But only two wounds...


FIRST GAMER
SUPERLAME!


Exit FIRST GAMER


WARHAMLET
My good friends, I'll leave you till night: you are
welcome to THE IMPERIUM OF MAN.


ROSENCRANTZ
Good my lord!


WARHAMLET
Yes, so, THE EMPEROR be with you;


ALL
AND ALSO WITH YOU!!!


Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN


WARHAMLET
Now I am alone.
O, what a rogue and peasant slave class am I!
Is it not monstrous that this gamer here,
But in a science fiction, in a dream of passion,
Could force his soul so to his own conceit
That from her working all his visage waned,
Tears in his eyes, distraction in his aspect,
A broken voice, and his whole function suiting
With forms to his conceit? And all for nothing!
For THE BATTLE MOTHER!!
What's her to him, or he to her,
That he should weep for her? What would he do,
Had he the motive and the cue for passion
That I have? He would drown the table with tears
And cleave the general ear with horrid speech,
Make mad the guilty and appall the free,
Confound the ignorant, and amaze indeed
The very faculties of eyes and ears and math skills. Yet I,
A dull and muddy-mottled rascal, peak,
Like webway gates, unpregnant of my cause,
And can say nothing; no, not for a CHAPTER MASTERY,
Upon whose property and most dear life
A damned defeat was made. Am I a coward? Am I a nwb?
Who calls me nwb? Breaks my balls across?
Plucks off my neard, and blows it in my face?
Tweaks me by the nose? F I hate that... Gives me the dart in the throat,
As deep as to the lungs? Who does me this?
Ha! I should take it: for it cannot be
But I am lily-livered and lack gall
To make oppression bitter... and other stereotypes. Or ere this
I should have fatted all the region kites
With this slave's offal: bloody, bawdy nwb!
Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, super nwb!
O, vengeance!
Why, what an asshat am I! This is most brave,
That I, the son of a dear father murdered,
Prompted to my revenge by heaven and hell,
Must, like a whore, unpack my heart with words,
And fall a-cursing, like a very drab, poorly educated southerner.
A southerner!
Balls upon it! BALLS! F, my brain! I have heard
That guilty creatures sitting at a game
Have by the very cunning of the play
Been struck so to the soul that presently
They have proclaimed their malefactions;
For cheating and murder, though it have no tongue, will speak
With most miraculous organ. We’ll put new organs all up in there...
I'll have these gamers
Play something like the murder of my father
Before mine uncle: I'll observe his looks;
I'll look him to the quick: if he but blanch,
I know my course. The spirit that I have seen
May be the chaos GODs: and chaos hath power
To assume a pleasing shape; yea, and perhaps
Out of my weakness and my melancholy,
As he is very potent with such demons,
Abuses me to damn me: I'll have grounds
More relative than this: the game will prove much faster
The conscience of the CHAPTER MASTER.


Exit


ACT III: Crazy Ghost Revenge.


ACT III. SCENE I. A room in the space castle.
Enter CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR, BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE, TIGERIOUS, BATTLE SISTER O, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
And can you, by no drift of circumstance,
Get from him why he puts on this confusion,
Grating so harshly all his days of quiet
With turbulent and dangerous lunacy?


ROSENCRANTZ
He does confess he feels himself distracted;
But from what cause he will by no means speak.
Or if he does, we ignore it. 


GUILDENSTERN
Nor do we find him forward to be sounded,
But, with a crafty madness, keeps aloof,
When we would bring him on to some confession
Of his true state.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Did he receive you well?


ROSENCRANTZ
Meh. He was kind of being a dick. 


GUILDENSTERN
And with much forcing of his disposition.
If not for the forcing he would have been dicktacular.


ROSENCRANTZ
Not into any questions; but, of our demands,
Most free in his reply.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Did you assay him?
To any pastime? Nerd games?


ROSENCRANTZ
Madam, it so fell out, that certain gamers
We overwrought on the way: of these we told him;
And there did seem in him a kind of joy
To hear of it: they are about the room,
Smelling up the place with their cheap pizza farts,
And, as I think, they have already ordered more pizza, and plan
This night to play with him.


LORD TIGERIOUS
It is most true:
And he beseeched me to entreat your majesties
To hear and see the matter.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
[Asside]
Oh boy, nerd games. Just like when I was expected to come to every Fing volleball game last year when I have other more important things to do. 


LORD TIGERIOUS
Master?


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
With all my heart; Sure. Great. And it doth much content me
To hear him so inclined.
Good space marines, give him a long table edge,
And drive his purpose on to these delights.


ROSENCRANTZ
We shall, my lord and master.


Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Sweet Battle Mother Gertrude, leave us too;
For we have closely sent for WARHAMLET,
That he, as it were by accident, may here
Affront BATTLE SISTER O:
Her father and myself, lawful dudefaces,
Will so bestow ourselves that, seeing, unseen,
And I guess behind a rather substantial wall, 
We may of their encounter frankly judge,
And gather by him, as he is behaved,
If  it be the affliction of his love or no
That thus he suffers for.
We’ve got to get to the bottom of this. 


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
I shall obey you, but not because you say so.
And for your part, BATTLE SISTER O, I do wish
That your good beauties be the happy cause
Of WARHAMLET's wildness: so shall I hope your virtues
Will bring him to his wonted way again,
To both your honors. And I want to be a GrandBattleMother some day. 


BATTLE SISTER O
Space Battle Mother Madam, I wish it too.


Exit BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE


LORD TIGERIOUS
BATTLE SISTER O, walk you here. Gracious. Goodness gracious. Good gravy. Goody gumdrops. Goody two-shoes.Goody Proctor SO... so please you,
We will bestow ourselves.


To BATTLE SISTER O


Read on this e-book;
That show of such an exercise may color
Your loneliness. Perhaps dry brush it. We are oft to blame in this,--
'Tis too much GW approved--that with devotion's visage
And pious action we do sugar over
The chaos themselves.


BATTLE SISTER O
[Aside] Is my space wizard dad gone to chaos?


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
[Aside] Chaos! O, too true!
How smart a dual lash that speech doth give my conscience!
The harlot's cheek, beautified with airbrushed art,
Is not more ugly to the thing that helps it
Than is my deed to my most painted model:
O heavy blast template!


LORD TIGERIOUS
I hear him coming: let's tactically withdraw, my masterlord.


Exeunt CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR and TIGERIOUS


Enter WARHAMLET


WARHAMLET
To pwn, or not to pwn: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the net to suffer
The bolts and lasers of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a space time of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to stasis-sleep;
No more. By a stasis-sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand to the thousandth power unnatural wounds
That flesh is heir to, Its a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to stasis-sleep;
To stasis-sleep: perchance to pwn: Yeah, there's the thing;
For in that stasis-sleep of death what programmed-dreams may run
When we have pulled away this mortal magnet,
Must give us pause: there's a respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the agonizers and tormentors of space and time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contempt,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of administratorium and the infinite space
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quickening make
With a gene-seed injector? Who would burdens bear encumbered,
To grunt and sweat under a weary slow but purposeful life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country from whose bourn
No traveler returns, puzzles warps and imperils the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make nwbs of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is painted over with the pale finecast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and pomp
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the gamertag of action.--Shush you now!
It is my turn to talk and yours to listen!
This is Warhamlet! Not the whatever-your-name is watching show!
Ahem.
Hark! It is the fair BATTLE SISTER O! Wych, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remembered.


BATTLE SISTER O
Good my lord,
How does your leadership score for this many days?


WARHAMLET
I humbly thank you; well, well, well. All above 10, I can assure you.


BATTLE SISTER O
My lord, I have remembrances of yours,
That I have longed long to re-deliver;
I pray you, now receive them.


WARHAMLET
No, not I;
I never gave you stuff.
Must be your stuff that you claim is mine. 
Let’s not be creepy.


BATTLE SISTER O
My honored space lord, you know right well you did; Leave stuff. At my place.
And, with them, words of so sweet breath composed
As made the things more rich: their perfume lost,
Take these again; for to the noble mind
Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind.
There, my lord. Take them. These paper things you wrote. 
No one uses paper anymore. I would have preferred an e-note.


WARHAMLET
Ha, ha! Good. Are you honest?


BATTLE SISTER O
My space lord?


WARHAMLET
Are you fair?


BATTLE SISTER O
What means your BATTLE BROTHERShip?


WARHAMLET
That if you be honest and fair your honesty should
admit no discourse to your beauty.


BATTLE SISTER O
Could beauty, my lord, have better commerce than
with honesty?


WARHAMLET
Truly; for the power of beauty will sooner
transform honesty from what it is to balls than the
force of honesty can translate beauty into his
likeness: this was sometime a paradox, but now the
time gives it proof. I did love you once. But this isn’t stuff. Letters aren’t stuff. That was probably sent to you by the FBI.


BATTLE SISTER O
Indeed, my lord, you made me believe so. With all those creepy things you wrote on my FB wall.


WARHAMLET
You should not have believed me; for virtue cannot
so inoculate our old comedy stock but we shall relish of
it: I loved you not. That was a fib. Take that.


BATTLE SISTER O
I was the more deceived. In that you totally love me. 


WARHAMLET
Get thee to a battle nunnery: why wouldst thou be a
breeder of sinners? I am myself indifferent honest;
but yet I could accuse me of such things that it
were better my mother had not borne me: I am very
proud, revengeful, ambitious, and kind of mean when I don’t get my coffee, with more offences on my phone than I have SD to put them in,
imagination to give them some editing, or time to masturbate to them later.
What should such dudes as I do crawling
between space and time? We are errant knaves,
all; believe none of us. Go thy ways to a battle nunnery.
Where's your librarian wizard father?


BATTLE SISTER O
At the space fort, my lord.


WARHAMLET
Let the doors be shut upon him, that he may play the
fool no where but in his own space fort. Farewell. Adios.


BATTLE SISTER O
O, help him, you sweet heavens!


WARHAMLET
If thou dost marry, I'll give thee this plague skill for
thy dowry: be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as
snow, thou shall not escape herpes, 5+ Invulnerable, as the air. 
Get thee to a battle nunnery, go: farewell. It was real. Or, if thou wilt needs
marry, marry a nwb; for 1337 men know well enough
what monsters you make of them, only later to randomly encounter them at Blockbuster or whatever. To a battle  nunnery, go, and quickly too. Take my Razorback. Farewell.


BATTLE SISTER O
O IMPERICALLY sanctioned psychic powers, restore him!


WARHAMLET
You do not have psychic powers. Deal with it.
I have heard of your paintings too, with the kittens, well enough; THE GOD EMPEROR
has given you one face, and you make yourselves
another: you get jiggy, you amble, and you lisp, you fart, and queef, and puke all over my nice things, and nick-name THE GOD EMPEROR's creatures, willikins, and googlebutt, and other ridiculous pet names,  and make your wantonness your ignorance. And I don’t even know what wantonness is.  Go on. Go on girl. Get out of here.


WARHAMLET begins throwing small things at BATTLE SISTER O


WARHAMLET
This is MY space fort! I'll no more rant on it; it hath
made me mad. Super mad, I say, we will have no more space marriages:
those that are space married already, or have filed between the odd and even numbers in my nonsequential birthday will have a 50/50 lottery of being beheaded with powerfists, of these, all but one, shall live; the rest shall keep as they are. To a battle nunnery, go.


Exit


BATTLE SISTER O
O, what a noble mind is here overthrown!
What a dream boat that Warhamlet is! He could have hit me. It would have been within his rights to hit me. He could even have me KILLED I bet, for giving him back his things!
The card counter, space marine’s, scholar's, eye, tongue, power sword; WOOF!
The expectancy and rose of the fair system,
The glass of fashion and design and the mould of plastic forms,
The observed of all observers, quite, quite down!
He is TOTALLY in love with me. I can’t believe it. I thought he was going to be like: 
Battle Sister O, you’re fat and ugly and I couldn’t ever see us being together. 
And I, of ladies most deject and wretched,
That sucked the honey of his music vows,
Now see that noble and most sovereign reason,
Like sweet balls jangled, out of tune and harsh;
That unmatched form and feature of blown youth
Blasted with ecstasy: O, woe is me. Woe is me.
To have seen what I have seen, see what I see!
Crumbs.


Re-enter CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR and TIGERIOUS


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Love! His affections do not that way tend;
Nor what he spake, though it lacked form a little,
Was not like madness. There's something in his soul,
Over which his melancholy sits on brood;
And I do doubt the space hatch and the disclose
Will be some danger: which for to prevent,
I have in quick determination,
Placed a code on all of the air locks, just in case.
Thus set it down: he shall with speed to GW,
For the demand of our neglected tribute
Haply the seas and countries different
With variable and sundry objects and bits shall expel
This something-settled matter in his heart,
Whereon his brains still beating puts him thus
From fashion of himself. What do you think, Chief Librarian?


LORD TIGERIOUS
It shall do well: but yet do I believe
The origin and commencement of his grief
Sprung from neglected love. How now, BATTLE SISTER O!
You need not tell us what Lord WARHAMLET said;
We heard it all. My lord, do as you please;
But, if you hold it fit, after the game,
Let his BATTLE MOTHER all alone entreat him
To show his grief: let her be round with him;
And I'll be placed, so please you, in the ear
Of all their conference. If she find him not,
To GW send him, or confine him, or convert him, or destroy him, where
Your wisdom best shall score.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
It shall be so.
Madness in great ones must not unwatched.


Exeunt


ACT III. SCENE II. A hall in the space castle.
Enter WARHAMLET and Gamers


WARHAMLET
Play the game, I pray you, as I laid it out on
you, trippingly to the balls: but if you F it up,
as many of your gamers do, I had as soon my undead  
Vampire granny ran my game. 
Nor do not chainsaw the equipment
too much with your list, thus, but use all gently;
for in the very torrent, tempest, and, as I may say,
the whirlwind missile of passion, you must acquire and beget
a temperance that may give it awesomeness. It
offends me to the soul to hear a fat
poor-English accent fellow tear a game to tatters, to
very rags, to split the ears of the player, who
for the most part are capable of nothing but
inexplicable shitting and pain: I would have such
a fellow whipped for overdoing Termagants; it
out-Cheeses NWBS: I pray you, avoid it.


FIRST GAMER
It’s cool, your honor.


WARHAMLET
I am not actually a judge in this county. 
Be not too tame neither, but let your own discretion
be your virtual tutor: suit the sweet action to the wise word, the
wise word to the sweet action; with this special rule: Overstep not
the modesty of nature TOO MUCH: for any thing so overdone is
from the purpose of playing, whose end, both at the
first and now, was and is, to hold, as if it were, a
mirror up to supernature; to show virtue her own tittays,
scorn her own image, and the very age and body of
the time his form and pressure. Now this overdone,
or takes 18 hours, though it make the unskillful
less bored, cannot but make the judicious grieve; the
censure of the which one must in your allowance
consider a whole theatre of others. O, there be
gamers that I have seen play, and heard others
praise, and that highly, not to speak it profanely,
that, neither having the accent of Imperial nor
the gait of English, chaos, nor superman, have so
strutted and bellowed that I have thought some of
nature's designers had made men and not made them
well, they imitated humanity so abominably.


FIRST GAMER
I hope we have reformed that indifferently with us, sir.


WARHAMLET
I am not a knight, I am a space marine lord. 
Are you high? Never mind, I don’t want to know.
Reform it altogether. And let those that play
your clowns speak no more than is set down for them;
for there be of them GODS that will themselves laugh, to
set on some quantity of barren spectators to laugh
too; though, in the mean time, some necessary
question of the game be then to be considered:
that's villainous, and shows a most pitiful ambition
in the fool that uses it. Go, make you ready. Set terrain!


Exeunt Gamers


Enter TIGERIOUS, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN


How now, my lord! I will the CHAPTER MASTER see this piece of work?


LORD TIGERIOUS
And the BATTLE MOTHER too, and that presently.


WARHAMLET
Bid the gamers make haste.


Exit TIGERIOUS


Will you two help to hasten them?


GUILDENSTERN
Can’t you have a skull do it?


ROSENCRANTZ 
Come on, GUILDENSTERN, don’t be a fat ass. We will, my lord.


Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN


WARHAMLET
What ho! SABER!


Enter SABER


SABER
Here, sweet lord, at your service.


WARHAMLET
SABER, thou art even as just a man
As ever my conversation coped withal.


SABER
O, my dear lord,-- you are so wicked high right now, aren’t you?


WARHAMLET
Nay, do not think I flatter; Also don’t say that in this mixed company, 
my mom doesn’t know I’m on the pipe. For... 
For what advancement may I hope from thee
That no revenue hast but thy good spirits,
To feed and clothe thee? Why should the poor be flattered?
For being poor? Probably they should not.
No, let the candied tongue lick absurd pomp, or my ass, 
And crook the pregnant ladies of the knee
Where thrift may follow fawning. Dost thou hear?


SABER
Did you ever get in contact with your family therapist?


WARHAMLET
Since my dear soul was mistress of her choice
And could of men distinguish, her election
Hath sealed thee for herself; for thou hast been
As one, in suffering all, that suffers nothing,
A man that fortune's buffets and rewards with a buffet. Fatty.
Hast taken with equal thanks: and blest are those
Whose blood and judgment are so well commingled,
That they are not a pipe for fortune's finger...


SABER
I can get you her e-contact information. Drugs are not the answer, my space lord.


WARHAMLET
To sound what stop she please. Give me that man
That is not passion's slave, and I will wear him
In my heart's thermal core, dude, in my heart of hearts,
As I do thee.--Something too much of this.--
There is a game tonight before the CHAPTER MASTER;
One round of it comes near the circumstance
Which I have told thee of my father's death:
I pray thee, when you see that tactic afoot,
Even with the very comment of thy soul... if that even exists...
Observe mine uncle: if his occulted guilt
Do not itself unkennel in one speech,
It is a damned SCARY GHOST that we have seen,
And not my space ghost dad,
And my imaginations are as foul
As Vulcan's Forge. Give him heedful note;
For I mine eyes will rivet to his face, not literally, but close,
And after we will both our judgments join
In judgment of his seeming. And doing.


SABER
Awesome, my lord:
If he steals stuff while this game is playing, like even something small, like gum or a bobby pin, 
and it escapes detecting, I will pay the theft.


WARHAMLET
It is a cash bar you know?


SABER
For reals?


WARHAMLET.
No, man. I’m just F’ing with you. 


SABER
Lolz.


WARHAMLET
You’re my space pal. 
They are coming to the game; I must be active:
Get you a place.


ULTRAMAR march. A flourish. Enter CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR, BATTLE MOTHER 
GERTRUDE, TIGERIOUS, BATTLE SISTER O, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and others


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
How fares our cousin WARHAMLET?


WARHAMLET
Excellent, in faith; of the salamander’s dish: I eat
the air, promise-crammed: you cannot feed dudes so.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
I have nothing with this answer, WARHAMLET; these words
are not cool. 


WARHAMLET
No, nor mine now. I am throwing my voice... through timespace.


To TIGERIOUS


My Librarian, you played once in the university, you say?


LORD TIGERIOUS
That did I, my lord; and was accounted a good player. Then I got a real job, and a life, and kids.


WARHAMLET
What did you play?


LORD TIGERIOUS
I did play Space Marines. I warhammered all. Esspecially Eldar. 


WARHAMLET
It was a brute part of him to kill so capital a race.


Everyone looks very uncomfortable.


WARHAMLET
Which is to say we should kill all the Eldar, as they are mutants, aliens, or heretics. 


Everyone relaxes a little. 


WARHAMLET
There. Good. Be the gamers ready?


ROSENCRANTZ
Yes, my lord; they stay upon your patience.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Come hither, my dear WARHAMLET, sit by me.


WARHAMLET
No, good mother, I’ve got to be over here to play, there's ‘eavy metal more attractive.


LORD TIGERIOUS
[To CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR] O, ho! Do you see that? Kids. 


WARHAMLET
Battle Lady, shall I lie in your lap?


Lying down at BATTLE SISTER O's feet


BATTLE SISTER O
No, my space lord. Get away from me. I’m mad at you.


WARHAMLET
I mean, my head upon your lap?


BATTLE SISTER O
Sure, my lord. Whatever.


WARHAMLET
Do you think I meant your verjiner?


BATTLE SISTER O
I think nothing, my lord. Gross.


WARHAMLET
That's a fair thought. To lie between maids' verjiners.


BATTLE SISTER O
What is that, my lord?


WARHAMLET
Nothing. I don’t know why I said that. Probably give the whole works an R rating for a cheap laugh. Well. That’s comedy. 


BATTLE SISTER O
You are gay, my lord.


WARHAMLET
Who, I?


BATTLE SISTER O
Yes, my lord. Totally gay. 


WARHAMLET
O EMPEROR, your only objective marker. What should a man do
but be gay? For, look you, how cheerfully my
mother looks, and my father died within these two hours.


BATTLE SISTER O
Four  months, actually, my lord. According to my watch.


WARHAMLET
Your watch has a cartoon cat on it. For reals? So long? 
Okay then, let the chaos wear black, for
I'll have a suit of sabers. O heavens! Die two
months ago, and not forgotten yet? Then there's
hope a great man's memory may outlive his life half
a year: but, by our battle lady’s kitty watch, he must build churches,
then; or else shall he suffer not thinking on, with
the hobby-model/paint-kit, whose epitaph is 'For, O, for, O,
the hobby-model/paint-kit is forgot.'


Nerd boys play. The dumb and dumber-show enter.
Enters play a CHAPTER MASTER and a BATTLE MOTHER very lovingly; the BATTLE MOTHER embracing him, and he her. She advances, and makes show of battle before him. He takes her up, and declines his head upon her neck: lays him down upon a bank of flowers: she, seeing him asleep, leaves him. Anon comes in a fellow, takes off his crown, kisses it, and pours poison in the CHAPTER MASTER's ears, and exit. The BATTLE MOTHER returns; finds the CHAPTER MASTER dead, and makes passionate action. The Poisoner, with some two or three Mutes, comes in again, seeming to lament with her. The dead body is carried away. The Poisoner wooes the BATTLE MOTHER with gifts: she seems loath and unwilling awhile, but in the end accepts his love.


Exeunt


BATTLE SISTER O
What means this, my lord?


WARHAMLET
Yeah what? This is Loki’s Tactic; it means mischief.


BATTLE SISTER O
Belike this game imports the argument of the day.


Enter GAMEMASTER.


WARHAMLET
We shall know by this fellow: the gamers cannot
keep counsel; they'll tell all.


BATTLE SISTER O
Will he tell us what this game meant?


WARHAMLET
Sure, or any game that you'll play him: be not 
ashamed to game, he'll not shame to tell you what it means.
He has zero shame score. 


BATTLE SISTER O
You are mean, you are so mean: I'll observe the game.


GAMEMASTER
For us... this is really hard. A lot of us are on medication... so just bear with us. We’ve done this before.  For our game,
Here stooping to your clemency,
We beg your hearing patiently.


Exit


WARHAMLET
Is this the story, or what is happening here? What happens next?


BATTLE SISTER O
It is brief, my lord.


WARHAMLET
As woman's love.


BATTLE SISTER O
Zing! You are such a drama queen.


Enter two Gamers, one playing CHAPTER MASTER and another BATTLE MOTHER


GAMER CHAPTER MASTER
Full thirty times hath THE ASTRONOMICON BOUY gone round
GALACTIC CENTER and Tellus' orbed warp ground,
And thirty dozen moons with charlie sheen
About the world have times twelve thirties been,
Since love our hearts and Hymen did our hands
Unite commutual in most sacred bands.


GAMER BATTLE MOTHER
I can’t believe you said hymen. You perv.
So many journeys may the suns and moons
Make us again count over ere love be done!
But, woe is me, you are so sick of late,
So far from cheer and from your former state,
That I distrust you. Yet, though I distrust,
Discomfort you, my lord, it nothing must:
For women's fear and love holds quantity;
And men’s fear and loathing holds quality;
In neither aught, or in extremity.
Now, what my love is, proof hath made you know;
And as my love is super-sized, my fear is so:
Where love is great, the littlest doubts are fear;
Fear is not knowing where the light switch is.
Where little fears grow great, great love grows there.
I read it in Cosmo. 


GAMER CHAPTER MASTER
Faith, I must leave thee, love, and shortly too;
My operant powers their functions leave to do:
And thou shalt live in this fair sci-fi fantasy world behind,
Honored, beloved; and haply one as kind
For husband shalt thou--


GAMER BATTLE MOTHER
O, confound the rest! You’re my dude, dudeface!
Such love must needs be treason in my breasts:
In no second husband let me be accurst!
None wed the second but who killed the first.


GAMER CHAPTER MASTER
Whoa... whoa... whoa. Put the brakes on kitten.


WARHAMLET
Wormwood, wormwood.


A servo skull brings WARHAMLET a bottle of Absinthe. 


GAMER BATTLE MOTHER
The instances that second marriage move
Are base respects of thrift, but none of love:
A second time I kill my husband dead,
When second husband kisses me in bed.
Baby...


GAMER CHAPTER MASTER
I do believe you think what now you speak;
But what we do determine oft we break.
Purpose is but the slave to memory,
Of violent birth, but poor validity;
Which now, like parking invalidated, 
like fruit unripe, sticks on the tree; or under the tree I guess...
But fall, unshaken, when they mellow be.
Most necessary 'tis that we forget
To pay ourselves what to ourselves is debt:
Or we would be broke all the F’ing time. 
What to ourselves in passion we propose,
The passion ending, doth the purpose lose.
The violence of either grief or joy or whatever
Their own enactors will themselves destroy:
On a 6++, or natural 20.
Where joy most revels, grief doth most lament;
Grief joys, joy grieves, on slender accident.
This world is not for yucks, nor is it strange
That even our loves should with our fortunes change;
For it is a question left us yet to prove,
Whether love leads fortune, or else fortune love.
The great man down, you blast marker his favorite flyers;
The poor advanced makes friends of enemies.
And hitherto doth love on fortune tend;
For who not needs shall never lack a friend,
And who in want a hollow friend do try,
Directly seasons him his enemy.
But, orderly to end where I begun,
Our wills and fates do so contrary run
That our devices still are overthrown;
Our thoughts are ours, their ends none of our own:
So think thou wilt no second husband wed;
But die thy thoughts when thy first lord is dead.
Or you could kill yourself. You know. To just put that out there.
GAMER BATTLE MOTHER
Terra give me no food, nor stars lights!
Sports and games and leisure and repose lock from me day and night!
To desperation turn my trust and hope!
An anchor's cheer at sea be my scope!
Each opposite that blanks the face of joy
Meet what I would have well and it destroy!
Both here and hence pursue me lasting strife,
If, once a widow, ever I be wife!
Totally stuck that rhyme. 10 points! Swish!


WARHAMLET
If she should break it now!


GAMER CHAPTER MASTER
Tis deeply sworn. Sweet, leave me here awhile;
My spirits grow dull, and fain I would beguile
The tedious day with sleep. Sierra Mist and then sleep. 


Sleeps


GAMER BATTLE MOTHER
Sleep rock thy brain,
And never come mischance between us twain!


Exit


WARHAMLET
Hey Ma, you like this game?


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
The lady doth protests too much, methinks.


WARHAMLET
Classic. Just classic, Ma. I love you.
O, but she'll keep her word. I think its in the game mechanic. 


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Have you heard the argument? Is there no offence in it?


WARHAMLET
No, no, they do but jest, poison in jest; no offence
in the world. 2++. 


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
What do you call the game?


WARHAMLET
The Scarab -trap. No. Lolz. This isn’t Scarab -Trap. A real copy of that game, like real, is literally priceless. We could buy several planets with is. No. What, how? The game? It is The Horus Heresy.


ALL
Gasp!


WARHAMLET
No no! It’s cool! It’s a totally cool game! 
It just takes things differently, 
in that Horus was a brother, to the Emperor... 
who poisoned him... and they battled. Tropically. 
This game is the recreation of a battle that played out in The Warp: 
Gonzo is the Duke's name; his wife, a lawyer: you shall see anon; 
Tis a nightmarish piece of work: but what of
that? Just a game?! Your majesty and we that have free souls, it
touches us not: let the cold balls wince, our
withers are unwrung.


Enter JONSON


This is one JONSON, Primarchal gene-brother to the CHAPTER MASTER.


BATTLE SISTER O
You are as good as the wikipedia, my lord.


WARHAMLET
I could interpret between you and your love, if I
could see the puppets dallying.


BATTLE SISTER O
You are keen, my lord, you are keen. Peachy keen.


WARHAMLET
It would cost you a groaning to take it off my table edge.


BATTLE SISTER O
Hot. Very hot. Still better, and worse.


WARHAMLET
So you must take your husbands. Begin, murderer;
pox, leave thy damnable faces, and begin. Come:
'the croaking Ravenwing doth bellow for revenge.'


JONSON
Thoughts dark, hands apt, drugs fit, and time agreeing;
Confederate season, else no creature seeing;
Thou mixture rank, of midnight weeds collected,
With Slaneshe’s ban thrice blasted, thrice infected,
Thy natural magic and dire property,
On wholesome life usurp immediately. 2++!!!


Pours the poison into the sleeper's ears


WARHAMLET
He poisons him in the garden estate. His
name's Gonzo: the story is extant, and writ in
choice AMERICAN: you shall see anon how the murderer
gets the love of Gonzo's lawyer.


BATTLE SISTER O
The CHAPTER MASTER rises.


WARHAMLET
What, frightened with false fire template!


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
How fares my master?


LORD TIGERIOUS
Give up on the game. We don’t want to be here for 8 hours.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Give me some lights! No more sodas! Cut of the Root Beers! Away! GAMERS AWAY!
All
Lights, lights, lights! AIR! THE FARTS!!! SO MANY SLIM JIMS!!!


Exeunt all but WARHAMLET and SABER


WARHAMLET
Why, let the stricken mutant deer go weep with poison and die,
The hart unballed play;
For some must watch, while some must sleep:
And I am never going to sleep again.
So runs the world away.
Would not this, sir, and a forest of feathers-- if
the rest of my fortunes turn Wild Turkey with me--with two
massive holes my razed space shoes, get me a
fellowship in a cry of gamers, sir?


SABER
Half a character.


WARHAMLET
A whole one, I.
For thou dost know, O dearest Sergeant Damon Saber Fist,
This realm dismantled was
Of Gygax himself; and now reigns here
A very, very—bag of dicks.


SABER
You might have rhymed. Or at least tried to get the PG-13. 


WARHAMLET
O good SABER, I'll take the SCARY GHOST's word for a
thousand pound. Didst you perceive? Have you that statistic?


SABER
Very well, my lord. Yes. I saw it. Totally saw it.


WARHAMLET
Upon the talk of the poisoning?


SABER
His little dick did shrivel as if thrown into a frozen lake. I did very well note him.


WARHAMLET
Ah, ha! Come, some music! The DOORS or something. Come, the recorders! All we have is recorders? Where is the cow bell? 
For if the CHAPTER MASTER liked not the game,
Why then, belike, he likes it not, COW BELL!!!
Come, some music!


Re-enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN


GUILDENSTERN
Good my lord, vouchsafe me a word with you.


WARHAMLET
Sir, a whole history! The history channel is 42 to the 42nd power gigaflops. 


GUILDENSTERN
The CHAPTER MASTER, sir,-- really? Is that really a number?


ROSENCRANTZ
Don’t play into his traps, stupid, sweet GUILDENSTERN.


WARHAMLET
So, what of him?


GUILDENSTERN
Is in his retirement marvelous distempered. Terribly upset. 


WARHAMLET
With drink, sir?


GUILDENSTERN
No, my lord. We are drunk.


ROSENCRANTZ
YOU are drunk. And sexy.


GUILDENSTERN
Shut up, mAN! It can’t be like that. Now. Shhh. 


WARHAMLET
OVER HERE GUYS! We all want to get home tonight...


ROSENCRANTZ
He retired not with booinz, but rather with choler, Sweet, Cowardly, Warhamlet.


WARHAMLET
Your wisdom should show itself more richer to
signify this to his doctor; for, for me to put him
to his purgation would perhaps plunge him into far
more choler. Cholera perhaps. Big old cholera sandwich. 


GUILDENSTERN
Good my lord, put your discourse into some frame, or frame of mind,  and
start not so wildly from my affair. Just cool it. Don’t do anything dumb. 


WARHAMLET
I am tame, sir: pronounce.


GUILDENSTERN
The BATTLE MOTHER, your mother, in most great affliction of
spirit, hath sent me to you.


WARHAMLET
You are welcome.


GUILDENSTERN
Nay, good my lord, this courtesy is not of the right
breed. If it shall please you to make me a
wholesome answer, I will do your mother's
commandment: if not, your pardon and my return
shall be the end of my business. If that pleases the court.


WARHAMLET
Sir, I cannot.


GUILDENSTERN
You sassypants. Sir Sassypants is what you are. What, my lord?


WARHAMLET
Make you a wholesome answer; my wit's diseased: but,
sir, such answer as I can make, you shall command;
or, rather, as you say, my mother: therefore no
more, but to the matter: my mother, you say,--


GUILDENSTERN
Your Battle Mother. 


ROSENCRANTZ
Then thus she says; your behavior hath struck her
into amazement and admiration.


WARHAMLET
Well that is super fantastic! O wonderful son! 
Huzzah! 
That I can so astonish a battle mother! 
But is there no sequel at the heels of this mother's
admiration? Impart.


ROSENCRANTZ
She desires to speak with you in her closet, ere you
go to bed.


ALL
SUPERLolz!


WARHAMLET
We shall obey, were she ten times our mother. Have
you any further games with us?


ROSENCRANTZ
My lord, you once did love me.


WARHAMLET
So I do still, by these dice and rulers.


ROSENCRANTZ
Good my lord, what is your cause of distemper? 
You do, surely, bar the door upon your own liberty, if
you deny your grief’s to your friends.


WARHAMLET
I lack advancement.


ROSENCRANTZ
What do you mean?


WARHAMLET
I mean that my advancement is entirely restrained my my choices. 


ROSENCRANTZ
How can that be, when you have the voice of the CHAPTER MASTER
himself for your succession in THE IMPERIUM OF MAN?


WARHAMLET
Sure, but dude, 'While the grass grows,'--the proverb
is something musty. Or is that you? It’s you.


Re-enter Gamers with recorders


IT’s THE RECORDERS!
O, the recorders! Let me see one. To withdraw with
you:--why do you go about to recover the wind of me,
as if you would drive me into a toil? Oh my EMPEROR
Almost died saving everything that one time... this 
Recorder tastes like my grandparent’s basement. 


GUILDENSTERN
O, my lord, if my duty be too bold, my love is too
unmannerly. It smells like the unfinished basement of everyone’s family members. EMPEROR! That is what a mummy-fart smells like. 


WARHAMLET
I do not well understand that. Will you play upon
this space crack pipe?


GUILDENSTERN
My lord, I cannot.


WARHAMLET
I pray you.


GUILDENSTERN
Believe me, I cannot. I am a school teacher. I know that you are going through some shit, and I really hope we can all work together here. SABER gave us some literature, and we’re pulling for 
you to figure this out. 


WARHAMLET
I do beseech you.


GUILDENSTERN
What? I know no touch of it, my lord! I do not want to smoke space crack! That CAN NOT be good for you. Friend. 


WARHAMLET
It is as easy as lying: govern these ventages, these super gross ventages... 


GUILDENSTERN
You made that word up.


WARHAMLET
I did not. GUILDENSTERN. Ventages. Holes in a flute. You ignorant plebe. I read it in Hamlet. Andyhow,  with your lingers... I mean fingers... and thumb, give it breath with your
mouth, and it will discourse most eloquent music.
Look you, these are the stops. And this is obviously mold. Coming out. Where did you guys find these recorders, a pile of wood? EMPEROR!


GUILDENSTERN
But these cannot I command to any utterance of
harmony; I have not the skill. I never went to band camp. 


WARHAMLET
Why, look you now, how unworthy a thing you make of
me! You would play upon me; you would seem to know
my stops; you would pluck out the heart of my
mystery; you would sound me from my lowest note to
the top of my compass: and there is much music,
excellent voice, in this little organ; yet cannot
you make it speak. Blood! do you think I am
easier to be played on than a pipe? Call me what
instrument you will, though you can fret me, yet you
cannot play upon me.


Enter TIGERIOUS


EMPEROR bless you, sir!


LORD TIGERIOUS
My lord, the BATTLE MOTHER would speak with you, and
presently. 


WARHAMLET
Yeah, in her closet, I heard! Do you see yonder cloud that's almost in shape of a camel?


LORD TIGERIOUS
By the mass, and it is like a camel, indeed.


WARHAMLET
Methinks it is like a weasel.


LORD TIGERIOUS
It is backed like a weasel.


WARHAMLET
Or like a whale?


LORD TIGERIOUS
Very like a whale.


WARHAMLET
Or like a narwhale?


LORD TIGERIOUS
Very like a narwhale.


WARHAMLET
Or like a supernarwhale?


LORD TIGERIOUS
Very like a supernarwhale.


WARHAMLET
Then I will come to my mother’s closet, by and by. If we will even fit there. They fool
me to the top of my bent. I will come by and by. Whatever. Can I help you?


LORD TIGERIOUS
I will say so.


WARHAMLET
By and by is easily said.


Exit TIGERIOUS


Leave me, dudes.
Exeunt all but WARHAMLET
Tis now the very witching time of morning night,
When churchyards yawn and chaos itself breathes out
Contagion to this realworld: now could I drink hot sanguine blood,
And do such bitter battle business as the days of the 42nd century.
Would earthquake bombard to look on. 
Soft! Crumbs! Balls! Now to my mother’s closet.
O heart, lose not thy nature; let not ever
The soul of Khorne enter this firm bosom:
Let me be cruel, not unnatural, not superunnatural:
I will speak daggers to her, but use none; Or if so, just a little one. 
If she comes at me. I hate a closet fight. All thumbs and elbows. 
My tongue and soul in this be hypocrites;
How in my words so ever she be sent,
To give them purity seals never, my soul, consent!


Exit


ACT III. SCENE III. A room in the space castle.
Enter CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
I like him not, one bit, nor stands it safe with us
To let his madness range. He has unlimited range! 
Therefore prepare you; get your stuff in a bag, 
I your commission will forthwith dispatch,
And he to GW shall along with you:
The terms of our estate may not endure
Hazard so dangerous as doth hourly grow
Out of his lunacies. We will all be dead and sued 
and placed in some hell realm much like the one 
I built to house the soul of my murdered brother. 


GUILDENSTERN
For the sake of the story, we are going to pretend 
That we only heard most of that.
We will ourselves provide: and get the F out,
Most holy and religious fear it is
To keep those many many bodies safe... in the basement.
That live and feed upon your majestymaster and his good graces.
We have time police closely monitoring a dire situation ourselves. 


ROSENCRANTZ
The single and peculiar life is bound,
With all the strength and runic armor of the mind,
To keep itself from annoyance; but much more
That spirit upon whose weath depends and rests in
The lives of many. The Cease of majesty
Dies not alone; but, like a black hole, doth draw
What's near it with it: it is a massy infinitely dense wheel,
Fixed on the summit of the highest zeinth,
To whose huge spokes ten thousand lesser things
Are mortised and adjoined; which, when it falls,
Each small annexment, petty consequence,
Attends the boisterous ruin. Never alone
Did the GOD EMPEROR sigh, but with a general groan.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Lolz. Arm you, I pray you, to this speedy voyage; TO THE TEETH!!!
For we will fetters put upon this fear,
Which now goes too fleet-footed.


ROSENCRANTZ 
We will haste us.


GUILDENSTERN
I will haste us!


ROSENCRANTZ 
Sure.


GUILDENSTERN
Haste!


Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN


Enter TIGERIOUS


LORD TIGERIOUS
My lord, who is using space magic in here? PSYCHIC HOOD!


ROSENCRANTZ 
Crumbs!


LORD TIGERIOUS
WARHAMLET is going to his mother's closet:
Behind the super-fortified impregnable wall I'll convey myself,
To hear the process; and warrant she'll tax him home:
And, as you said, and wisely was it said,
Tis keen that some more audience than a mother,
Since nature makes them partial, should overhear
The speech, of vantage. I can put it on the internet and get some damned clicks. 
Fare you well, my liege:
I'll call upon you ere you go to bed,
And tell you what I know.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Thanks, dear my Chief Librarian lord Wizard Space Friend.


Exit TIGERIOUS


O, my offence is rank it smells in space;
It hath the primal darkest elarest curse upon it,
A brother's murder. Pray can I not,
Though inclination be as sharp as will:
My stronger guilt defeats my strong intent;
And, like a man to double business bound,
I stand in pause where I shall first begin,
And both neglect. What if this cursed fist
Were thicker than itself with brother's blood,
Is there not rain enough in the sweet infinite space heavens
To wash it white as snow? Whereto serves mercy
But to confront the visage of offence?
And what's in prayer but this two-fold power fist force,
To be forestalled ere we come to fall,
Or pardoned being put down? Then I'll look up;
My fault is past. But, O, what form of prayer
Can serve my turn? 'Forgive me my foul murder'?
There. That’s good. We’ll go with that, EMPEROR...No.
That cannot be; since I am still possessed
Of those effects for which I did the murder,
My crown, mine own ambition and my BATTLE MOTHER.
May one be pardoned and retain the offence?
In the corrupted and tainted currents of this world
Offence's gilded and by an enruned hand may shove by justice,
And oft it is seen the wicked prize itself
Buys out the law: but it is not so above; and over. In space and time.
There is no shuffling, there the action lies
In his true nature; and we ourselves compelled,
Even to the teeth and forehead of our faults,
To give in evidence. What then? What rests?
Try what repentance can: what can it not?
Yet what can it when one can not repent?
O wretched cosmos! O bosom black as chaos death!
O limed soul, that, struggling to be free,
Art more engaged! Help, blood angels! Mayday!
Bow, stubborn knees; and, heart with strings of steel interwoven,
Be soft as sinews of the newborn babe!
All may be well.


Retires and kneels


Enter WARHAMLET


WARHAMLET
Now might I do it pat, now he is praying;
And now I'll do it. Chwack with the chainsword. 
And so he goes to heaven;
And so am I revenged. That would be scanned:
Downloaded.
A villain kills my father; and for that,
I, his sole son, SPACEHAMLET OF THE 42ND MILLENIA 
do this same villain send To heaven!
SEND! LIKE! SHARE!
O, this is vacation and salary, and benefits, 
and sex slaves, and privilege, and whatever, 
but not revenge.
He took my father grossly, full of bread, and mead. 
Delicious meat and bread. That is the only good thing. 
Was the sandwich I made him before you murdered him 
you F’ing F’er.
With all his crimes broad blown, as lush as May;
And how his audit stands who knows save THE EMPIRE?
But in our circumstance and course of thought,
It is heavy 1 with him: and am I then revenged,
To take him in the purging of his soul,
When he is fit and seasoned for his passage?
No!
Up, chainsword; and know thou a more horrid time:
When he is drunk asleep, or in his rage,
Or in the incestuous pleasure of his bed;
At gaming, swearing, or about some act
That has no relish of salvation in it;
Then trip him, that his heels may kick at space,
And that his soul may be as damned and chaos black
As all the hell realms, whereto he goes. And my space dad gets out.
 My mother stays:
This physic but prolongs thy sickly days.


Exit


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
[Rising] My words fly up, my thoughts remain below:
Words without thoughts never to heaven go.


Exit


ACT III. SCENE IV. The BATTLE MOTHER's closet.
Enter BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE and TIGERIOUS


LORD TIGERIOUS
It is really cramped in here. He will come straight. 
Look you lay on the home stuff to him:
Tell him his pranks have been too broad to bear with,
And that your grace hath screened and flanked and stood between
Much heat and him. Melta heat. I'll sconce me even here. Behind this impregnable wall. 
Pray you, be round with him.


WARHAMLET
[Within] Mother, mother, mother!


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
I'll warrant you,
Fear me not: withdraw, I hear him coming.


TIGERIOUS hides behind the Impregnable Blast Wall.


Enter WARHAMLET


WARHAMLET
Now, mother, what's the matter?


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
WARHAMLET, thou hast thy father much offended.


WARHAMLET
Mother, you have my father much offended.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Come, come, you answer with an idle tongue.


WARHAMLET
Go, go, you question with a wicked tongue.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Why, how now, WARHAMLET! Brown cow!


WARHAMLET
What's the matter now? WHAT!?


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Have you forgotten me? You never e-mail me. You never call. You’re always busy.


WARHAMLET
No, by the balls, not so: WHY DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS IN YOUR CLOSET!?
You are the BATTLE MOTHER, your husband's brother's wife;
And--would it were not so!--you are my mother. You’re MY MA, MA!


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Nay, then, I'll set those to you that can speak. We have a brilliant therapist. 


WARHAMLET
Come, come, and sit you down; you shall not budge;
You go not till I set you up a camera
Where you may see the inmost part of you.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
What wilt thou do? Thou wilt not murder me? With your chainsword? Because that is why we are doing this in a closet. 
Help, help, ho!


LORD TIGERIOUS
[Behind] What, ho! Help, help, help! KILL KILL KILL!!! BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!!!


WARHAMLET
[Drawing] How now! A NWB!? A NWB!? Dead, for a donkey, dead, like disco, dead!
ORBITAL BOMBARDMENT!!!


Inserts coordinates into his computer before the space laser fires. 


LORD TIGERIOUS
[Behind] CRUMBS! O, I am slain!


EXPLODES and dies


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
O me, what hast thou done?


WARHAMLET
Nay, I know not:
Is it the CHAPTER MASTER?


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
O, what a rash and bloody deed is this!


WARHAMLET
A bloody deed! Almost as bad, good mother,
As kill a CHAPTER MASTER, and marry with his brother.
BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
As kill a CHAPTER MASTER!


WARHAMLET
Ay, lady, that was my word. This is me using my words. 
Lifts up the array and discovers smoldering TIGERIOUS
Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool, farewell! NWB!
I took thee for thy better: take thy fortune;
Thou were to be too busy to randomly encounter some danger.
Leave wringing of your hands: peace! Don’t touch anything,
And let me grab your heart; for so I shall, it is just over here, 
Near the exterior of the blast crater.
If it be made of impenetrable stuff, which I see it is...
If damned space blast has not braised it too much...
That it is proof and bulwark against sense.
We could eat this now. I think I will. I think I want to be a space wizard.


WARHAMLET eats TIGERIOUS’ heart.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
What have I done, that thou dare wag thy tongue
In noise so rude against me? Eating a man’s heart. 


WARHAMLET
Braised perfectly. 
Such an act
That blurs the grace and blush of modesty,
Calls virtue hypocrite, takes off the rose
From the fair forehead of an innocent love
And sets a blister there, makes marriage-vows
As false as dicers' oaths: O, such a deed
As from the body of contraction plucks
The very soul, and sweet religion makes
A rhapsody of words: heaven's face doth glow:
Yea, this solidity and compound mass,
With trustful visage, as against the doom,
Is thought-sick at the act.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Oh crumbs. Balls, what an act, Space Vampire Cannable Wizard Warhamlet. 
That roars so loud, and thunders in the index? Doesn’t it?
I would have preferred ‘Warhamlet; Writer’, just so we’re clear. 


WARHAMLET
Look here, upon this HD picture, and on this,
The counterfeit presentment of two brothers.
See, what a grace was seated on this brow;
Hyperion's curls; the front of SOLOMON himself;
An eye like Mars, to threaten and command;
A station like the herald Mercury
New-lighted on a heaven-kissing hill;
A combination and a form indeed,
Where every EMPEROR did seem to set his seal,
To give the world assurance of a superman:
This was your husband. Look you now, what follows:
Here is your husband; like a mildewed ear,
Blasting his wholesome brother. Have you eyes?
Could you on this fair mountain leave to feed,
And batten on this moor? Ha! Have you malfunctioning eyes?
You cannot call it love; for at your age
The hey-day in the blood is tame, it's humble,
And waits upon the judgment: and what judgment
Would step from this to this? Sense, sure, you have,
Else could you not have motion; but sure, that sense
Is apoplexy’s; for madness would not err,
Nor sense to ecstasy was never so thrilled
But it reserved some quantity of choice,
To serve in such a difference. What chaos was it
That thus hath cozened you to the hoodman blind?
Eyes without feeling, feeling without sight,
Ears without hands or eyes, smelling sans all,
Or but a sickly part of one true sense
Could not so mope.
O shame! Where is thy blush? Rebellious hell,
If thou canst mutiny in a matron's bones,
To flaming youth let virtue be as wax,
And melt in her own fire: proclaim no shame
When the compulsive ardor gives the charge,
Since frost itself as actively doth burn
And reason panders will.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
O WARHAMLET, you ignorant child. Speak no more:
You are so dumb. I have worked so hard. So very hard. 
Thou turn mine eyes into my very soul;
And there I see such black and grained spots of chaos
As will not leave their tint.


WARHAMLET
Nay, but to live
In the rank sweat of an enseamened bed,
Stewed in sex corruption, honeying and making CHAPTER MASTER love
Over the nasty sticky,--


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
O, speak to me no more;
These words, like daggers, enter in mine ears;
No more, sweet WARHAMLET!
I WILL BEAT YOU! I swear.


WARHAMLET
A murderer and a villain;
A slave that is not twentieth part the tithe
Of your precedent lord; a vice of CHAPTER MASTERs;
A cutpurse of the empire and the rule,
That from a shelf the precious Iron Halo stole,
And put it in his save!


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
No more!


WARHAMLET
A CHAPTER MASTER of shreds and patches,--


Enter SCARY GHOST


Save me, and hover over me with your wings,
You heavenly sanguinary guards! What would your gracious figure?


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Alas, he's mad! Space crazy!


WARHAMLET
Do you not come your tardy son to chide,
That, lapsed in space time and passion, lets go buy iced cream.
The important acting of your dread command? O, say!
We have iced cream?


SCARY GHOST
Do not forget: this visitation
Is but to whet thy almost blunted purpose.
But, look, amazement on thy mother sits:
O, step between her and her battling soul:
Conceit in weakest bodies strongest works:
Speak to her, WARHAMLET.


WARHAMLET
How is it with you, lady?


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Alas, how is it with you, punk?
That you do bend your eye on vacancy
And with the incorporeal air do hold discourse?
Forth at your eyes your spirits wildly peep;
And, as the sleeping space marines in the alarm,
Your bedded hair, like life in excrements,
Starts up, and stands on end. O gentle son,
Upon the heat and flame template of thy distemper
Sprinkle cool patience save. Whereon do you look?


WARHAMLET
On him, on him! SPACE GHOST DAD! Look you, how pale he glares!
His form and cause conjoined, preaching to stones,
Would make them capable. Do not look upon me;
Lest with this piteous action you convert
My stern effects: then what I have to do
Will want true color; shining through! Tears perchance for blood.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
To whom do you speak this? SCARY GHOST DAD? Her name is Dr. Ruth. Dr. Ruth Baker. She’s done really wonderful things with the whole family. I know things are strange but-


WARHAMLET
Do you see nothing there?! FOR REALS!?


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Nothing at all; yet all that is I see.


WARHAMLET
Nor did you nothing hear?!


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
No, nothing but ourselves.


WARHAMLET
Why, look you there! Look, how it steals away!
My father, in his habit as he lived!
Look, where he goes, even now, out at the web portal!


Exit SCARY GHOST


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
This the very coinage of your brain:
This bodiless creation ecstasy
Is very cunning in... its attempts to distract me from the distinct, 
And powerful odor of space crack coming off your face in waves.


WARHAMLET
Ecstasy!


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Ecstasy!? Where did you get that? Who sold you that? You need to get your shit together, WARHAMLET. For reals.


WARHAMLET
My pulse, as yours, doth temperately keep time,
And makes as healthful music: it is not madness
That I have uttered: bring me to the test,
And I the matter will re-word; which madness
Would gamble at. Mother, for love of grace, and pizza,
Lay not that mattering unction to your soul,
That not your trespass, but my madness speaks:
It will but skin and film the ulcerous place,
Whilst rank corruption, chaos, mining all within,
Infects unseen. Confess yourself to heaven; THE IMPERIUM
Repent what's past; avoid what is to come;
And do not spread the compost on the weeds,
To make them ranker. Forgive me this my virtue;
For in the fatness of these pursy times
Virtue itself of vice must pardon beg,
Yea, curb and woo for leave to do him good.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
O WARHAMLET, thou hast cleft my heart in twain.
I can’t very well DIVORCE MARNEUS. They’d burn me...


WARHAMLET
O, throw away the worsest part of it,
And live the purer with the other half.
Good night: but go not to mine uncle's bed;
Assume a virtue, if you have it not.
That random monster, custom, who all sense doth eat,
Of habits chaos, is dark angel yet in this,
That to the use of actions fair and good and clear
He likewise gives a frock or armory,
That aptly is put on. Refrain to-night,
And that shall lend a kind of easiness
To the next abstinence: the next more easy;
For use almost can change the stamp of nature,
And either the chaos, or throw him out
With wondrous potency. 
Once more, good night: This has been a fun meeting in your closet. I am really sorry it had to end in murder. 
And when you are desirous to be blessed,
I'll blessing beg of you. For this same space librarian wizard lord,


Pointing to TIGERIOUS


I do repent: but heaven hath pleased it so,
To punish me with this and this with me,
That I must be their scourge and minister.
I will absorb him, and will answer well
The death I gave him. So, again, good night.
I must be cruel, only to be kind:
Thus bad begins and worse remains behind.
One word more, good lady.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
What shall I do? With the pieces? Who should I call?


WARHAMLET
Not this, by no means, that I bid you do:
Let the bloat CHAPTER MASTER tempt you again to bed;
Pinch wanton on your cheek; call you his bitch;
And let him, for a pair of gross kisses,
Or paddling in your anus with his damned eczema fingers,
Make you to ravel all this matter out,
That I essentially am not in madness,
But mad in craft. Warcraft. Twere good you let him know;
For who, that's but a BATTLE MOTHER, fair, sober, wise, pretty,
Would from a paddock, from a bat, a gib,
Such dear concerns hide? Who would do so? Who would do that?
No, in despite of sense and secrecy,
Unpeg the basket on the house's top.
Let the birds fly, and, like the famous grape ape,
To try conclusions, in the basket creep,
And break your own neck down.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Be thou assured, if words be made of crazy,
And crazy of life, I have no crazy left,
Because \what thou hast said to me is galactically crazy.
Dr. Ruth Baker. I have her card. 
When can I set up a time where you can talk?


WARHAMLET
I must to GW; you know that?


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Alack, I had forgot: Tis so concluded on.


WARHAMLET
There's letters getting me sued to the tits sealed and notarized: 
and my two schoolfellows,
Whom I will trust as I would adders fanged,
They bear the mandate; they must sweep my way,
And marshal me to nwbery. Let it work;
For it is the sport to have the engineer
Hoist with his own gantry crane: and it shall go hard and high
But I will delve one yard below their deepest mines,
And blow them at the moons: O, it is most sweet action,
When in one line two craft skills directly meet.
This man shall set me packing:
I'll lug the guts into the neighbors room.
It will be hilarious. 
Mother, good night. Indeed this counselor, Dr. Ruth was it, you speak of, 
if she even has a license, is probably a sex spy. 
Is now know most secret, most super secret and most grave stuff.
Come, sir, to draw toward a hilarious end with you.
Good night, mother. NIGHT MA!


Exeunt severally; WARHAMLET dragging TIGERIOUS’ guts.


ACT IV: Space Crazies.


ACT IV. SCENE I. A room in the space castle.
Enter CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR, BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
There's matter in these sighs, these profound heaves, these lengthy rants.
You must translate. I don’t understand English: It is fit we understand them.
Where is your son?


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Leave this place to  us a little while.


Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN


Ah, crumbs, my good lord, what have I seen tonight!


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
What, BM Gertrude? How does WARHAMLET?


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Please don’t call me BM. As for Warhamlet?
Mad as the sea and wind and crazy pills, when all contend
Which is the mightiest: in his lawless fit,
Behind the impregnable blast proof wall, hearing something yell,
Whips out his wrist computer, cries, 'A NWB, a NWB!'
And, in this panicked apprehension, Orbitally Bombards
The unseen good old man space wizard dad librarian dude.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
O heavy deed! O heavy blast!
It had been so with us, the both of us, had we been there:
His liberty is full of threats to all;
To you yourself, to us, to every one.
Alas, how shall this bloody deed be answered?
It will be laid to us, whose providence
Should have kept short, restrained, and talked it out,
With this mad young man: but so much was our love, or cowardice, or both
We would not understand what was most fit;
But, like the spreader of a foul disease,
To keep it from divulging, let it feed
Even on the piss of Life. Where is he gone?


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
To draw apart what is left of the body he hath killed: 
And then I think he is going to put that in the neighbors mail. 
Over whom his very madness, like some ore
Among a mineral of metals base,
Shows itself pure; he weeps for what is done. 
But tough titty, kiddo.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
O Gertrude, come away!
The sun no sooner shall the mountains touch,
But we will spaceship him hence: and this vile deed
We must, with all our majesty and skill,
Both countenance and excuse. Yo, Guildenstern!


Re-enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN


Friends both, go join you with some further aid:
WARHAMLET in madness hath TIGERIOUS slain,
And from his mother's closet hath he dragged what is left:
Go seek him out; speak fair, and bring whatever is left of the body
Into the chapel. I pray you, haste in this.


GUILDENSTERN
Haste!


ROSENCRANTZ
Take that psychic hood!


Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Come, Gertrude, we'll text up our wisest friends;
And let them know, both what we mean to do,
And what's untimely done. Oh, come away! To the FB!
My soul is full of discord and dismay.
I needs must like/share!


Exeunt


ACT IV. SCENE II. Another room in the space castle.
Enter WARHAMLET who stuffs a bag of guts in a trunk.


WARHAMLET
Safely stowed.


ROSENCRANTZ: 
 [Within] WARHAMLET! 


GUILDENSTERN:
O Lord WARHAMLET!


WARHAMLET
What noise? Who calls on WARHAMLET?
O, here they come.


Enter ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN


ROSENCRANTZ
What have you done, my lord, with the dead body parts?


WARHAMLET
Compounded it with dust, herbs and spices, and some of my own hair whereto it is kin.


ROSENCRANTZ
Tell us where it is, that we may take it 
to the space chapel. Remove relevant genetic information and what not...


WARHAMLET
Do not believe it.


ROSENCRANTZ
Believe what?


WARHAMLET
That I can keep your counsel and not mine own.
Besides, to be demanded of a sponge! What
replication should be made by the son of a CHAPTER MASTER?


ROSENCRANTZ
Take you me for a sponge, my lord crazypants?


WARHAMLET
Yes, sir, that soaks up the CHAPTER MASTER's countenance, his
rewards, his authorities. But such officers do the


CHAPTER MASTER best service in the end: he keeps them, like
an ape, in the corner of his jaw; first mouthed, to
be last swallowed: when he needs what you have
gleaned, it is but squeezing you, and, sponge, you
shall be dry again.


ROSENCRANTZ
I understand you not, my lord. Not one damned bit. 


WARHAMLET
I am glad of it: a knavish speech sleeps in a
foolish ear.


ROSENCRANTZ
My lord, STFU, you must tell us where the body parts are, and go
with us to the CHAPTER MASTER. That is what has to happen here. 


WARHAMLET
The body parts are with the CHAPTER MASTER, but the CHAPTER MASTER is not with
the body parts. The CHAPTER MASTER is a thing--


GUILDENSTERN
A thing, my lord! He is a person or a place, not a thing! Your sanity is in Jeapordy!


WARHAMLET
Of nothing: bring me to him. Hide fox, and all after.


Exeunt


GUILDENSTERN
Oh man. This isn’t good, Rosencrantz. We are not going to end up on top in this story...


ACT IV. SCENE III. Yet another room in the space castle. Man, this is a nice space castle. 
Enter CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR, attended


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
I have sent to seek him, and to find the remainder of the body.
How dangerous is it that this man goes loose! 
And that we give him control of our orbital station!
SUPER dangerous. 
Yet must not we put the strong law on him:
He's loved of the easily distracted and oversexed multitude,
YOU GUYS!
Who like not in their judgment, but their eyes; Their pretty little eyes...
And where it is so, the offender's scourge is weighed,
But never the offence. To bear all smooth and even,
This sudden sending him away must seem
Deliberate pause: diseases desperate grown
By desperate appliance are relieved,
Or not at all. Or sometimes are but you still have to use a cream. Or take a daily pill...


Enter ROSENCRANTZ


How now! What hath happened?


ROSENCRANTZ
Where the dead body is bestowed, my lord,
We cannot get from him.
He is super crazy.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
RIGHT!? But where is he?


ROSENCRANTZ
Without, my lord; guarded, to know your pleasure.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Bring him before us.


ROSENCRANTZ
Yo, Guildenstern! Bring in my lord.


Enter WARHAMLET and GUILDENSTERN


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Now, WARHAMLET, where's TIGERIOUS?


WARHAMLET
At supper.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
At supper! Where?


WARHAMLET
Old country buffet.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
For reals?


WARHAMLET
It matters not where he eats, but where he is eaten: 
a certain convocation of politic worms are eating at him. 
Your worm is your only emperor for diet: 
we fat all creatures else to fat us, and we fat ourselves for
maggots: your fat... CHAPTER MASTER, and your lean beggar is but
variable service, two dishes, but to one table:
that's the end. Peace out.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Alas, alas! You are totally wasted!


WARHAMLET
A man may fish with the worm that hath eaten of a
CHAPTER MASTER, and cat of the fish that hath fed of that worm.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
What do you mean by this? Senor Crazy?


WARHAMLET
Nothing but to show you how a CHAPTER MASTER may go a
progress through the guts of a beggar.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Where is TIGERIOUS? For reals.


WARHAMLET
In heaven, if that place is real; send hither to see: if your messenger
find him not there, seek him in the other place
yourself. But indeed, if you find him not within
this month, you shall nose him as you go up the
stairs into the lobby.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
What do you mean nose? You. Go seek him there.


To some SERVO SKULLS


SERVO SKULL
Does not compute.


WARHAMLET
He will stay till you come. Go ahead. It’s cool. 


Exeunt SERVO SKULLS


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
WARHAMLET, this deed, for your especial safety,--
Which we do tender, as we dearly grieve
For that which you have done,--must send you hence
With fiery quickness: therefore prepare yourself;
The ceramasteel is ready, and the fusion at help,
The servitors tend, and every thing is bent
For GW.


WARHAMLET
For GW!


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Yeah, WARHAMLET.


WARHAMLET
Good. Great. I look forward to our meeting.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
So is it, if thou knew our purposes.


WARHAMLET
I see a cherub that sees them. But, come; for
GW! Farewell, dear mother.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Thy loving father, WARHAMLET.


WARHAMLET
My mother: father and mother is man and wife; man
and wife is one flesh; and so, my mother. Come, for GW!
We will stop at Old Country Buffett on the way. 


Exit


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Follow him at foot; tempt him with speed aboard;
Delay it not; I'll have him hence to-night:
Away! For every thing is sealed and done
That else leans on the affair: pray you, make haste.
Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN
And, GW, if my love thou hold at all--
As my great power thereof may give thee sense,
Since yet thy puddle looks raw and red
After the ULTRAMARIAN bombardment, and thy free awe
Pays homage to us--thou may not coldly set
Our sovereign process; which imports at full,
By letters congruent to that effect,
The present death of WARHAMLET. Into bits.
Do it, GW;
For like the heretic in my blood he rages,
And thou must cure me: till I know it is done,
However my haps, my joys were never begun.
And that is the happity haps, round this space castle...


Exit with sass. 


ACT IV. SCENE IV. A plain in THE IMPERIUM OF MAN.
Enter LEVAR BURTON, Captain Dudeface, and Space Marines, marching


PRINCE LEVAR BURTON 
Go, captain, from me greet the ULTRAMARINE CHAPTER MASTER;
Tell him that, by his license, LEVAR BURTON
Craves the conveyance of a promised march
Over his CHAPTER MASTERdom. You know the rendezvous.
If that his majesty would aught with us,
We shall express our duty in his eye;
And let him know so.


CAPTAIN DUDEFACE
I will do it, my lord.


PRINCE LEVAR BURTON
Go softly on. Slow, but purposeful. 


Exeunt LEVAR BURTON and Soldiers


Enter WARHAMLET, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, and others


WARHAMLET
Good sir, whose powers are these?


CAPTAIN DUDEFACE
They are of THE KARUVAS SYSTEM, sir.


WARHAMLET
How purposed, sir, I pray you?


CAPTAIN DUDEFACE
Against some part of CADIA.


WARHAMLET
Who commands them, sir?


CAPTAIN DUDEFACE
The nephews to old THE KARUVAS SYSTEM, LEVAR BURTON.


WARHAMLET
Goes it against the main of CADIA, sir,
Or for some space frontier?


CAPTAIN DUDEFACE
Truly to speak, and with no addition,
We go to gain a little patch of ground
That hath in it no profit but the name.
To pay five space bucks, five, I would not farm it;
Nor will it yield to THE KARUVAS SYSTEM or the CADIAN
A ranker rate, should it be sold in fee.


WARHAMLET
Why, then the CADIAN never will defend it.


CAPTAIN DUDEFACE
Yes, it is already garrisoned. With their flashlight guns.
WARHAMLET
Two thousand souls and twenty thousand space bucks
Will not debate the question of this dice:
This is the imposture of much wealth and peace,
That inward breaks, and shows no cause without
Why the man dies. I humbly thank you, sir.


CAPTAIN DUDEFACE
THE EMPEROR be with you, sir.


Exit


ROSENCRANTZ
Will it please you go, my lord?


WARHAMLET
Don’t be a bitch. Go ahead, I'll be with you shortly.
Exeunt all except WARHAMLET
How all occasions and dudefaces do inform against me,
And spur my dull revenge! What is a superman,
If his chief good and market of his time
Be but to sleep and feed? A beast, no more.
Sure, he that made us with such large discourse,
Looking before and after, gave us not
That capability and EMPEROR-like reason
To sit in us unused. Now, whether it be
Bestial oblivion, or some craven scruple
Of thinking too precisely on the event,
A thought which, quartered, hath but one part 1337
And ever three parts NWB, I do not know
Why yet I live to say ‘I PWNed that NWB.’
Sith powers I have, and cause and will and strength and 3+, 
and means
To just do it. Examples gross as terra exhort me:
Witness this army of such mass and charge
Led by a delicate and tender librarian prince,
Whose spirit with divine ambition puffed
Makes mouths at the invisible event,
Exposing what is mortal and unsure
To all that fortune, death and danger dare,
Even for an egg-shell. Or a brush. Or a poor candy.
Rightly to be great
Is not to stir without great argument,
But greatly to find quarrel in a dice
When honour points and XPs are at the stake. 
How stand I then,
That have a father killed, a mother stained,
Excitements of my reason and my blood,
And let all sleep? While, to my shame, I see
The imminent death of twenty thousand guardsman,
That, for a fantasy and trick of fame,
Go to their graves like beds, fight for a sub-plot
Whereon the numbers cannot try the cause,
Which is not tomb enough and continent
To hide the slain? O, from this time forth,
My thoughts be bloody, or be nothing worth!
TO HELL WITH THE XPs!!!


Exit


ACT IV. SCENE V. Still another room in the space castle.
Enter BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE, SABER, and SPARTACUS


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
I will not speak with her.


SPARTACUS 
She is important, indeed distracted:
Her mood will indeed be pitied.
She is quite obviously crazy. 


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
What would she have?


SPARTACUS 
She speaks much of her father; says she hears
There's tricks in the world; and hems, and beats her heart;
Spurns enviously at dices; speaks things in doubt,
That carry but half sense: her speech is nothing,
Yet the unshaped use of it does move
The hearer to collection; miniature collection... they aim at it,
And botch the words up fit to their own thoughts;
Which, as her winks, and nods, and farts, and gestures
yield them,
Indeed would make one think there might be thought,
Though nothing sure, yet much unhappily.


SABER
It was good she was spoken with; for she may strew
Dangerous conjectures in ill-breeding minds.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Let her come in. WTH?


Exit SABER


To my sick soul, as sin's true nature is,
Each small toy seems prologue to some great amiss:
So full of artless jealousy is guilt,
It spills itself in fearing to be spilt.
Oooo that rhymed!


Re-enter SABER, with BATTLE SISTER O


BATTLE SISTER O
Where is the beauteous majesty of THE IMPERIUM OF MAN?


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
How now, BATTLE SISTER O!


BATTLE SISTER O
[Sings]
How should I your true love know
From another one?
By his cockle hat and staff,
And his sandal shoon.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Alas, sweet lady, what imports this crazy song?


BATTLE SISTER O
Say you? Nay, pray you, mark. MARK!


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Mark!


BATTLE SISTER O
Sings
He is dead and gone, lady,
He is dead and gone;
At his head a grass-green turf,
At his heels a stone.
Piiiiizzza sandwich….


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
No, but, BATTLE SISTER O,-- no... no.


BATTLE SISTER O
Pray you, mark.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Mark.


BATTLE SISTER O
Mark.
Sings
White his shroud as the mountain snow,--


Enter CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Crumbs, look here, my master.




BATTLE SISTER O
[Sings]
Larded with sweet flowers
Which bewept to the grave did go
With true-love showers.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
How do you do, pretty lady?


BATTLE SISTER O
Well, EMPEROR gild you! They say the owl was a baker's
daughter. Lord, we know what we are, but know not
what we may be. EMPEROR be at your table!


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
OK kitten! 


BATTLE SISTER O
Pray you, let's have no words of this; but when they
ask you what it means, say you this:
Sings
To-morrow is Saint Valentine's day,
All in the morning between time,
And I a maid at your window,
To be your Valentine.
Then up he rose, and donned his clothes,
And o’pped the chamber-door;
Let in the maid, that out a maid
Never departed more.
CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Pretty BATTLE SISTER O! 
You have a very pretty voice! 
You should be on American Idol!


BATTLE SISTER O
Indeed, sure, without an oath, I'll make an end on it:
Sings
By Jizz and by Saint Charity,
Alack, and fie for shame!
Young men will do it up the butt, if they come too fast;
By cock and balls, they are to blame.
Quoteth she, before you ass-bang me,
You promised me to wed. 
And gently rub my head.
So would I have done, 
by yonder sun,
An thou did not come to my bed.
At all.
The End. 


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
How long hath she been thus so crazy like?


BATTLE SISTER O
I hope all will be well. We must be patient: but I
cannot choose but weep, to think they should lay him
in the cold and dirty ground. My brother shall know of it:
and so I thank you for your good counsel. Come, my
rhino! Good night, battle ladies; good night, sweet battle ladies;
good night, good night.


Exit


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Follow her close; give her good watch,
I pray you.


Exit SABER


O, this is the poison of deep grief; it springs
All from her father's death. O Gertrude, Gertrude, BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE.
When sorrows come, they come not single spies
But in battalions. Wave, after wave of plot. 
First, her father slain:
Next, your son gone; and he most violent author
Of his own just removal: the people muddied,
Thick and unwholesome in their thoughts and whispers,
For good TIGERIOUS' death; and we have done but greenly,
In confusion to inter him: poor BATTLE SISTER O
Divided from herself and her fair judgment,
Without the which we are pictures, or mere beasts:
Last, and as much containing as all these,
Her brother is in secret come from SPACE;
Feeds on his wonder, keeps himself in clouds,
And wants not swarms to infect his ear
With pestilent speeches of his father's death;
Wherein necessity, of matter beggared,
Will nothing stick our person to arraign
In ear and ear. And sweet poisoned ear.
O my dear Gertrude, this, this is not the plan at all, baby. 
Like to a murdering game piece, in many places and games chance
Gives me superfluous death.
1. After 1. After 1.
A noise within


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Alack, what noise is this?


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Where are my Honor Guards? Let them guard the honored door.


Enter SPARTACUS


What is the matter?


SPARTACUS 
Save yourself, my lord:
The ocean, crashing over the shore, after a meteor impact,
Eats not the ground with more impetuous haste
Than young SICAERTES, in a riotous head,
Overbears your space marines. The rabble call him master;
And, as the Imperium were now but to begin,
Antiquity forgot, custom not known,
The ass-kickers and name takers of every world,
They cry 'Choose we: SICAERTES shall be CHAPTER MASTER:'
Helmets, hands, voxes, and tongues, applaud it to the clouds:
'SICAERTES shall be CHAPTER MASTER, SICAERTES CHAPTER MASTER!'


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
How cheerfully on the false trail they cry!
O, this is counter, you false ULTRAMARINE dogs!


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
The doors are broke.


Noise within


Enter SICAERTES, armed; ULTRAMARINES following


SICAERTES
Where is this CHAPTER MASTER? Sirs, stand you all without.


ULTRAMARINES
No, let's come in.


SICAERTES
I pray you, give me leave.


ULTRAMARINES
We will, we will.


They retire without the door


SICAERTES
I thank you: keep the door. O thou vile CHAPTER MASTER,
Give me my father!


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Calmly, good SICAERTES. Let us use our “Inside voices”


SICAERTES
That drop of blood that's calm proclaims me bastard,
Cries cuckold to my father, brands the harlot
Even here, between the chaste unstitched brow
Of my true mother.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
What is the cause, SICAERTES,
That thy rebellion looks so giant-like?
Let him go, Gertrude; do not fear our person:
There's such divinity doth protect a CHAPTER MASTER, 4+
That treason can but peep to what it would,
Acts little of his will. Tell me, SICAERTES,
Why thou art thus PO’ed. Let him go, Gertrude.
Speak, dude.


SICAERTES
Where is my father?


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Dead.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
But not by us.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Let him demand his fill.


SICAERTES
How came he dead? I'll not be juggled with: like a BALLSACK
To hell, allegiance! Vows, to the blackest chaos devil!
Conscience and grace, to the profoundest demon pit!
I dare damnation. To this point I stand, turgid with power, 
That all the worlds I give to negligence,
Let come what comes; only I'll be revenged
Most thoroughly for my father librarian wizard lord.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Who shall stay you?


SICAERTES
My will, not all the worlds:
And for my space bucks, I'll bribe them so well,
They shall go far with little.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Good SICAERTES,
If you desire to know the certainty
Of your dear father's death, it is writ in your revenge,
That, randomly, you will roll both friend and foe,
Winner and loser?


SICAERTES
None but his enemies.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Will you know them then? By your 1337 CSI skills?


SICAERTES
To his good FB friends thus wide I'll open my wall;
And like the kind life-rendering STORM RAVEN,
Repast them with my shiny things.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Why, now you speak
Like a good dude and a true Space Marine.
That I am guiltless of your father's death,
And am most sensible in grief for it,
It shall as level-up your judgment score
As day does to your eye.


SPARTACUS
[Within] Let her come in.


SICAERTES
How now! What noise is that?


Re-enter BATTLE SISTER O


O melta heat, explode my brains! Tears seven times salt,
Burn out the sense and virtue of mine cyber-eyes!
By heaven, thy madness shall be paid by weight,
Till our scale breaks the beam. O rose of May! OH DONNA May!
Dear maid, kind sister, sweet BATTLE SISTER O!
O EMPEROR! Is it possible, a young maid's wits statistic
Should be as important as an old man's life?
Nature is fine in love, and where it is fine,
It sends some precious instance of itself
After the thing it loves. Hey, Sis. How are you, Kitten?


BATTLE SISTER O
[Sings]
They bore him barefaced on the bier;
Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny;
And in his grave rained many a tear:--
Fare you well, my dove!


SICAERTES
Had you your wits, and if you persuade revenge,
that would be keen.


BATTLE SISTER O
[Sings]
You must sing a-down a-down,
An you call him a-down-a.
O, how the wheel becomes it! It is the false
steward, that stole his master's daughter.


SICAERTES
This is all F’ed! I was gone for HOW LONG?!


BATTLE SISTER O
There's rosemary, that's for remembrance; pray,
love, remember. It is also a good name, and a good song performed by Andy Kauffman on the soundtrack for MAN ON THE MOON: and there is pansies. That's for thoughts. And thought based scores. They provide a certain bonus to your rolls, and I, personally, have been eating these things like gangbusters. A pansy is also a synonym for a girly-man or sissy-britches.


SICAERTES
A document in madness, thoughts and remembrance fitted.


BATTLE SISTER O
Whatever. There's fennel for you, tastes like licorice and makes you poops, and columbines: they named a school for that and several students died, there's rue
for you; so that you may rue the day, and there’s some for you, and you and you, and you,  and here's some for me: AND NOW WE WILL ALL RUE IT!
we may call it herb-grace of Sundays: And put it in our toothpaste. 
If I do not see that everyone is using it, then I will be taking teeth out with a hammer. 
O you must brush your rue with
a difference. There's a daisy: and here’s a Tygre.
 I would give you some violets, 
but they withered all when my father died: 
they say he made a good end,-- as well as the plants.
I think he used to miracle-grow them. 
Sings
For bonny sweet Robin is all my joy... and Batman is my boyfriend...


SICAERTES
Thought and affliction, passion, hells itselfs,
She turns to favor and to prettiness. Well that is OK then, right?


BATTLE SISTER O
[Sings]
And will he not come again?
And will he not come again?
No, no, he is dead:
Go to thy death-bed:
He never will come again.
His beard was as white as snow,
All flaxen was his poll:
He is gone, he is gone,
And we cast away moan:
EMPEROR have mercy on his soul!
And of all IMPERIAL souls, I pray EMPEROR. EMPEROR be with ye.
FINE I’LL JUST SING BY MYSELF LIKE AN F’ING CRAZY PERSON!!!
Exit


SICAERTES
Do you see this, O EMPEROR?


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
SICAERTES, I must commune with your grief,
Or you deny me right. Go but hang out,
Make choice of whom your wisest FB friends you will.
And they shall hear and judge between you and me:
If by direct or by collateral hand, or poll,
They find us touched, a little crazy perhaps, 
 we will our kingdom give to the poor, but not really,
Our crown, our life, and all that we can give that is still ours,
We can give to you in satisfaction; but if not,
Be you content to lend your patience to us,
And we shall jointly labor with your soul
To give it due content.


SICAERTES
Let this be so; I shall go to hang out. 
His means of death, his obscure funeral--
No trophy, chainsword, nor hatchment over his bones,
No noble ULTRAMARIAN rite nor formal ostentation--
Cry to be heard, as if it were from heaven to terra,
That I must call it in question.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
So you shall;
And where the offence is let the great ULTRAMARIAN axe fall.
I pray you, go with me. Let’s hang out.


Exeunt


ACT IV. SCENE VI. Another room in the castle. Budget permiting.
Enter SABER and a SERVITOR


SABER
What are they that would speak with me?


SERVITOR 
Space Pilots, sir: they say they have e-letters for you.


SABER
Let them come in.


Exit SERVITOR 


I do not know from what part of the worlds
I should be greeted, if not from Lord WARHAMLET.


Enter SPACE PILOTS


MAVERIC
EMPEROR bless you, sir.


SABER
Let him bless you too. Or whatever.


MAVERIC
He shall, sir, an't please him. There's a letter for
you, sir; it comes from the ambassador that was
bound for GW; if your name be SEARGENT SABER, as I am
let to know it is.


SABER
[Reads] 'SGT. SABER, when thou shall have overlooked
this, give these fellows some means to the CHAPTER MASTER:
they have letters for him. After we were two days old
at space, a space pirate of very warlike appointment by the name of ARCHON Q, gave us
chase. Finding ourselves too slow of solar sail, we put on
a compelled valor, and in the magna-grapple I boarded
them: on the instant they got clear of our spaceship; so
I alone became their prisoner. They have dealt with
me like thieves of mercy: The rape is not too bad. 
But they knew what they are doing; And I am to do a good turn for them. 
Let the CHAPTER MASTER
have the letters I have sent; and come to me
with as much speed as you would attempt to outfly death company. 
I have words to speak in your ear that will make you
dumb; For reals. These good space pilot fellows will bring you to
where I am. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern hold their
course for GW: of them I have much to tell
you. <3. WH.
Come, I will make your way for these your letters;
And do it the speedier, preferably in speeders, that you may direct me
To him from whom you brought them.


GOOSE
WHATEVER!


Exeunt


ACT IV. SCENE VII. Still another room in the space castle. Probably the same room. We are probably going to need just one, really nice room. 
Enter CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR and SICAERTES


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Now must your conscience my acquaintance seal, and +1.
And you must put me in your heart for a FB friend,
From the Sith, you may have heard, and with a knowing ear,
That he which hath your noble father slain
Pursued my life.


SICAERTES
It well appears: but tell me
Why you proceeded not against these feats,
So crimeful and so capital in nature, not capital like, isn’t that capital govna, but capital like capital punishment, 
As by your safety, wisdom score, and all things else,
You mainly were stirred up.
Got your dander up. When he killed my wizard dad?


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
For two special reasons;
Which maybe to you, perhaps, seem much lame,
But yet to me they are strong. The BATTLE MOTHER his mother
Lives almost by his looks; and for myself—sexy as I am,
My virtue or my plague, be it either which—unless the plague be chaos...
She's so conjunctive to my life and soul,
That, as the star moves not but in his sphere,
I could not but by her. The other motive,
Why to a public count I might not go,
Is the great love the general gender-bender bear him;
Who, dipping all his faults in their affection,
Would, like the spring that turned wood to stone,
Convert his gives to graces; so that my lasers,
Too slightly focused for so great a distance,
Would have reverted to my lascannon again,
And not where I had aimed them.


SICAERTES
And so have I a noble father lost;
A sister driven into desperate terms,
Whose worth, if praises may go back again,
Stood challenger on mount of all the ages
For her perfections: but my revenge will come.
Oh yes. My revenge WILL come.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Break not your sleeps for that: you need your rest. 
Try melatonin. It is over the counter. 
You must not think
That we are made of stuff so flat and dull
That we can let our balls be shook with danger
And think it pastime. You shortly shall hear more:
I loved your father, and we love ourselves; We are great guys.
And that, I hope, will teach you to imagine--


Enter a SERVO SKULL 


How now! what news?


SERVO SKULL 
E-Letters, my lord, from WARHAMLET:
This to your majesty; this to the BATTLE MOTHER.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
From WARHAMLET! Who brought them?


SERVO SKULL 
 Space Pilots, my master, they say; I saw them not:
They were given me by SPARTACUS; he received them
Of him that brought them.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
SICAERTES, you shall hear them. Leave us.


Exit SERVO SKULL 


Reads
'High and mighty, You shall know I am set naked on
your kingdom. Tomorrow shall I beg leave to see
your CHAPTER MASTERly eyes: when I shall, first asking your
pardon thereunto, recount the occasion of my sudden
and more strange return. 'WARHAMLET.'
What should this mean? Are all the rest come back?
Or is it some abuse, and no such thing?


SICAERTES
Know you the IP?


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
'Tis WARHAMLETs IP. 'Naked!
And in a postscript here, he says 'alone.'
Can you advise me?


SICAERTES
I'm lost in it, my master. But let him come;
It warms the very sickness in my hearts,
That I shall live and tell him to his massive teeth,
'Thus didest thou.'


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Huh. Well, we all have dreams. If it be so, SICAERTES--
As how should it be so? How otherwise?--
Will you be ruled by me?


SICAERTES
Sure, my master;
So you will not overrule me to a peace.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
To your own peace. If he be now returned,
As checking at his voyage, and that he means
No more to undertake it, I will work him
To an exploit, now ripe in my devices,
Under the which he shall not choose but fall:
And for his death no wind of blame shall breathe,
But even his mother shall uncharge the practice
And call it an accident.
And awesome accident.


SICAERTES
My master, I will be ruled;
The rather, if you could devise it so
That I might be the organ.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Gross. But whatever. It falls right.
You have been talked of since your space travel much,
And that in WARHAMLET's hearing, for a quality
Wherein, they say, you shine: your sum of parts and bits
Did not together pluck such envy from him
As did that one, and that, in my regard,
Of the unworthiest siege.


SICAERTES
What part is that, my lord?


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
A very ribbon in the shoulderpad of youth,
Yet needful too; for youth no less becomes
The light and careless armory that it wears
Than settled age his sables and his dank-weeds,
Importing health and graveness. Two months since,
Here was a gentleman of Cormoragh:--
I've seen myself, and served against, the Eldar,
And they can well on jetbike: but this gallant
Had witchcraft in it; he grew under his seat; so as not to get busted
And to such wondrous doing brought his jetbike,
As he had been incorpsed and demi-natured
With the brave beast: so far he topped my thought,
That I, in forgery of shapes and tricks,
Come short of what he did.


SICAERTES
An Eldar was it?


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
An Eldar.


SICAERTES
A Dark Elar was it?


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
...Yessssss....


SICAERTES
Upon my life, Archon Q.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
The very same.


SICAERTES
I know him well: he is the brooch indeed
And gem of all the cosmos.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
He made confession of you,
And gave you such a masterly report
For art and exercise in your defense
And for your chainsword most especially,
That he cried out, 'would be a sight indeed,
If one could match you: the fighters of their planets,
He swore, had had neither motion, guard, nor eye,
If you opposed them. Sir, this report of his
Did WARHAMLET so envenom with his envy
That he could nothing do but wish and beg
Your sudden coming over, to play with him.
Now, out of this,--


SICAERTES
What out of this, my master? Get to the POINT!


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
SICAERTES, was your father dear to you?
Or are you like the painting of a sorrow,
A face without a heart? No dry-brushing even?


SICAERTES
Why ask you this?


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Not that I think you did not love your father;
But that I know love is begun by time;
And that I see, in passages of proof,
Time qualifies the spark and fire of it.
There lives within the very flame of love
A kind of wick or snuff that will abate it;
And nothing is at a like goodness still;
For goodness, growing to a plurisy,
Dies in his own too much: that we would do
We should do when we would; for this 'would' changes
And hath abatements and delays as many
As there are tongues, are hands, are accidents, are poops and guns and drugs and money;
And then this 'should' is like a spendthrift sigh,
That hurts by easing. But, to the quick n' the ulcer:--
WARHAMLET comes back: what would you undertake,
To show yourself your father's son in deed
More than in words?


SICAERTES
To cut his throat in the church.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
WOW. Go for it. I like it... but... ah
No place, indeed, should murder sanctuarize;
Revenge should have no bounds. But, good SICAERTES,
Will you do this, keep close within your chamber.
WARHAMLET returned shall know you are come home:
We'll put on those shall praise your excellence
And set a double varnish on the fame
The Pirate gave you, bring you in fine together
And wager on your heads: he, being remiss,
Most generous and free from all contriving,
Will not peruse the chainswords; so that, with ease,
Or with a little shuffling, you may choose
A chainsword unabated, and in a pass of practice
Requite him for your father.


SICAERTES
I will do it: Whatever. 
And, for that purpose, I'll anoint my chainsword.
I bought an unction off some dude I know,
So mortal that, but dip a vibroknife in it,
Where it draws blood no cataplasm so rare,
Collected from all simples that have virtue
Under the moons, can save the thing from eternal death
That is but scratched withal: I'll touch my points
With this contagion, that, if I stratch him slightly,
It may be certain and eternal death.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Let's further think of this;
Weigh what convenience both of time and means
May fit us to our plan: if this should fail,
And that our drift look through our bad performance,
Was better not rushed: therefore this project... if we can still call it that.
Should have a back or second, a failsafe, a hook, that might hold,
If this should blast in proof. Crumbs! Let me see:
We'll make a solemn wager on your cunnings: I hear.
When in his motion is hot and dry and itchy—
And make your bouts more violent to that end--
And he that calls for drink, I'll have prepared him
A chalice for the toast, whereon but sipping,
If he by chance escape your venomed chainsword,
Our purpose may hold there.


Enter BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE


How now, sweet BATTLE MOTHER!


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
And you, brown cow. One woe doth tread upon another's heel,
So fast they follow; your sister's drowned, SICAERTES.


SICAERTES
Drowned! O, where?


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
There is a willow grows near a brook,
That drops its leaves in the glassy stream;
There with fantastic garlands did she come
Of crow-flowers, nettles, daisies, fistfuls of rue, and long purples
That liberal shepherds give a grosser name,
But our cold maids do dead men's fingers call them:
Also a lei. But no clothing. 
There, on the pendent boughs her coronet weeds
Clambering to hang, an envious sliver broke;
When down her weedy trophies and herself
Fell in the weeping brook. Her clothes all gone;
And, mermaid-like, except not really fish like, awhile they bore her up:
Which time she chanted snatches of old tunes;
As one incapable of her own distress,
Or like a creature native and ignorant 
Unto that tune: but long it could not be
Till that her body, heavy with her drinking,
Pulled the poor wretch from her melodious lay
To muddy death.


SICAERTES
Alas, then, she is drowned? And no one helped her when she stopped singing all crazy like!?


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Drowned, drowned!


SICAERTES
Too much of water hast thou inhaled, poor BATTLE SISTER O,
And therefore I forbid my tears: but yet
It is our trick; nature her custom holds,
Let shame say what it will: when these sissy boy tears are gone,
The woman will be out. Later, my master:
I have a speech of fire, that fain would blaze,
But I don’t even want to try.


Exit


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Let's follow him, Gertrude:
How much I had to do to calm his rage!
Now fear I this will give it start again;
Therefore let's follow him.
We can get him a pie. 
Or some roasted space chicken. 


Exeunt


ACT V: Dusk of War.


ACT V. SCENE I. Cease Family Interdimensional Necropolis.
Enter DEATH JESTER and HARLEQUIN, with spades, & stuff


DEATH JESTER 
Is she to be buried in Imperial burial that
willfully seeks her own salvation?


HARLEQUIN
I tell you she is: and therefore make her grave
straight: the gilder has spat on her, and finds it
Imperial burial.


DEATH JESTER 
How can that be, unless she drowned herself in her
own defense? 


HARLEQUIN
Dude, it is found so. Whatever.


DEATH JESTER 
It must be 'se offendendo;'. I think that is what the Ordos calls it. 
It cannot be else. For
here lies the point: if I drown myself wittingly,
it argues an act: and an act has three branches: it
is, to act, to do, to perform: ergo, she drowned
herself wittingly.


HARLEQUIN
No, but hear you, dude, good dude grave delver,--


DEATH JESTER 
Give me slack. Here lies the water; good: here
stands the superhuman; good; if the superhuman goes to this water,
and drowns themselves, it is, will he, nill he, he
goes,--notice you that; but if the water come to him
and drown him, he drowns not himself: ergo, they
that are not guilty of their own death shorten not their own life.


HARLEQUIN
But is this law? Epic fail. 


DEATH JESTER 
Yes, dude, it is; crowner's quest law. Or a Heroes Saga or something. 


HARLEQUIN
Will you have the truth on it? 
Cant’s thou handle the truth?
If this had not been
a gentlebattlewoman, she should have been buried out of
Imperial burial.


DEATH JESTER 
Why, there you said it! I win! WINNING!: and the more pity that
great folk should have countenance in this world to
drown or hang or shoot or stab or powerstab or poison or smother with a pillow themselves, more than their even
Imperial abilities might allow... Come, my spade. 
There is no ancient
gentledude but gardeners, ditchers, and grave-makers:
they hold up Q’Adam's profession.


HARLEQUIN
Was he a gentledude? Is that even a word?


DEATH JESTER 
It will be. If sales pan out. Q’Adam was the first that ever bore arms.


HARLEQUIN
Why, he had none.


DEATH JESTER 
What, art a NWB? How do you understand THE BOOK OF Q? 
The BOOK OF Q says 'Q’Adam digged:' 
could he dig without arms? More important how could he be dugg? Or Diggeted?
 I'll put another crazy
question to you: if you answer me not to the
purpose, and in the form of a  another crazy question question, confess thyself--


HARLEQUIN
Go to.


DEATH JESTER 
Nutz. What is he that builds stronger than either the
mason, the shipwright, or the carpenter?


HARLEQUIN
The gallows-maker; for that frame outlives a
thousand tenants.


DEATH JESTER 
I like thy wit well.
You are quite witty, for a clown.
In good faith: the gallows
does well; but how does it well? It does well to
those that do in: now you do epic fail to say the
gallows is built stronger than the church: ergo,
the gallows may do well to you. To it again, come.
Have at you. Let us have wordplay, rather than dig.
I don’t want to get my pretty hands dirty.


HARLEQUIN
'Who builds stronger than a mason, a shipwright, or
a carpenter?'


DEATH JESTER 
Yes, tell me that, and no jokes.


HARLEQUIN
Balls, now I can tell.


DEATH JESTER 
To it. This is already a long show.


HARLEQUIN
Dude, I cannot tell.


Enter WARHAMLET and SABER, at a distance


DEATH JESTER 
Strain thy brains no more about it, 
for your dull  and dumb ass will not mend his pace with beating;
Or farting,  and, when
you are asked this question next, say 'a
grave-maker: 'the houses that he makes last till
doomsday. LOLZ! Go, get thee to the booze shop: fetch me a
stoup of liquor.


HARLEQUIN
How much is a stoup?


DEATH JESTER 
Did I say stoup? I was thinking of soup. That is so crazy. 
Uh. No, I meant gallon. Get me a gallon of cheap, cheap liquor.


HARLEQUIN
And you are going to pay me back this time? 


DEATH JESTER
We will see, won’t we?


Exit HARLEQUIN


JESTER digs and sings


In youth, when I did love, did love,
I thought it was very sweet, Sweet action...
To contract, O, the time, for, ah, my beloved, is such a crime!
O, I thought, there was nothing meet. Or BEAT OR EAAAAT!
But then I made a sammich. 
A boozin sand witch.


WARHAMLET
Has this fellow no feeling of his business, 
that he sings so terribly about sandwiches at gravemaking?


SABER
Custom has made it in him a dudeface of easiness.


WARHAMLET
It is even so: the hand of little employment has
the daintier sense.


SABER
Dainty indeed, Warhamlet. 


DEATH JESTER 
 [Sings]
But age, with his stealing steps,
Hath clawed me in his clutch,
And hath shipped me into the land,
As if I had never been such.


Throws up a servo-skull


WARHAMLET
That servo-skull had a tongue in it, and could sing once:
how the knave tosses it to the ground, as if it were
Q’Cain's jaw-bone, that did the first murder! It
might be the pate of a politician, which this ass
now over-reaches; That could be Rush Limbaugh’s skull, that we might piss in it. 
One little prank that would circumvent the EMPEROR,
Might it not?


SABER
It might, my lord. It very well might...


WARHAMLET
Or of a courtier; which could say 'Good day,
sweet lord! How are you, good lord? How was your day? Would you like to eat lunch? Could I make you a sandwich!' DAMN that grave-digger and his sandwich based songs.
This might
be my lord such as one, that praised my lord
this guys space bike, when he meant to berate it; might it not?


SABER
Yeah, my lord. Could be a lot of dude and chickfaces. 


WARHAMLET
Why, even so: and now my Lady Worm's; ass-chapless, and
knocked about the joint with a jester's spade:
here's fine revolution, an we had the trick to
see it. You should take a picture with your phone.


SABER does


WARHAMLET
Did these bones cost no more the gene-seeding,
but to play lame hippy stick games with them? 
My brain aches to think on it.


DEATH JESTER 
 [Sings]
A pick-axe, and a spade, a spade,
For and a shrouding sheet:
O, a pit of clay for to be made
For such a guest is meet.
PIZZA SANDWICH!!!
Throws up another servo-skull


WARHAMLET
There's another thing: why may not that be the skull of a
lawyer? Where be his fancy-words now, his Matlock wit,
his cases, his tenures, his seasons of wednesday night TV, and his tricks? 
His cunning, yet always damning lawyer tricks?
Why does he
suffer this rude dude now to knock him about the
joint with a dirty shovel, and will not tell him of
his action of battery? Assault even! Assault and battery!
Crumbs! This fellow might be
in his time a great buyer of land, with his statutes,
his sundries, his fines, his double vouchers,
his recoveries: is this the fine of his fines, and
the recovery of his recoveries, his summons to have his fine
servo-skull full of fine dirt? Will his vouchers vouch him
no more of his purchases, and double ones too, and sixes, than
the length and breadth of a pair of indentures? The
very conveyances of his planets will hardly lie in
this box; and must the inheritor himself have no more, ha? Right? Sadlolz.


SABER
Not a word more, my lord. I am so sick of your yammering.


WARHAMLET
Is not parchment made of sheepskins?


SABER
Yeah, my lord, whatever, and of calf-skins too, and wood pulp, or hemp, but I use e-publishing. So. Whatever.


WARHAMLET
They are sheep and calves which seek out assurance
in that. I will speak to this dude.
Back me up. 


SABER
Please don’t make a scene...


WARHAMLET
Be cool, sweet SABER.
Whose grave is this, dudeface?


DEATH JESTER 
Mine, dude.
Sings
O, a pit of clay for to be made
For such a guest is meet.


WARHAMLET
I think it is yours, indeed; for you liest in it.


DEATH JESTER 
You lie about it, dude, and therefore it is not
yours: for my part, I do not lie in it, and yet it is mine.


WARHAMLET
You do lie in it, to be in it and say it is yours:
it is for the dead, not for the quick; therefore thou liest.


DEATH JESTER 
It is a quick lie, dude; It will away gain, from me to
you.


WARHAMLET
What man do you dig it for?


DEATH JESTER 
For no man, dude.


WARHAMLET
What woman, then?


DEATH JESTER 
For none, neither.


WARHAMLET
What super-human, then?


DEATH JESTER 
For none, either.


WARHAMLET
Who is to be buried in it? For reals.


DEATH JESTER 
One that was a woman, dude; but, rest her soul, she is dead. Like disco.


WARHAMLET
How absolute the dudeface is! We must speak by the
codex, or equivocation will undo us. By the Emperor,
SABER, these three years I have taken a note of
it; the age is grown so picked that the toe of the
peasant comes so near the heel of the marine, he
steps on his athletes foot. How long have you been a
grave-maker?


DEATH JESTER 
Of all the days in the year, I came to it that day
that our last CHAPTER MASTER overcame LEVAR BURTON.


WARHAMLET
How long is that since?


DEATH JESTER 
Cannot you tell that? With your calculator app? Every nwb can tell that: it
was the very day that young WARHAMLET was born; he that
is mad, and sent into GW.


WARHAMLET
Sure, dudeface, why was he sent into GW?


DEATH JESTER 
Why, because he was mad: batshit. He shall recover his wits score
; or, if he does, it's no great matter there.


WARHAMLET
Why?


DEATH JESTER 
It will not be seen in him there; there the men
are as mad as he is. Batshits.


WARHAMLET
How came he to be mad?


DEATH JESTER 
Very strangely, they say.


WARHAMLET
How strangely?


DEATH JESTER 
Faith, SUPER strangely.  Even with losing his wits score.


WARHAMLET
Upon what grounds?


DEATH JESTER 
Why, here in THE IMPERIUM OF MAN: 
I have been sexton here, man
and boy, thirty years.


WARHAMLET
Dig that. Lolz. How long will a superman lie in the dirt before he rots?


DEATH JESTER 
In all honesty, if he is not rotten before he die--as we
have many space-herpes corpses now-a-days, that will scarce
hold the laying in--he will last you some eight hundred years
or nine hundred years: a tanner will last you nine hundred years.


WARHAMLET
Why he more than another?


DEATH JESTER 
Why, dude, his hide is so tanned with his trade, that
he will keep out water a great while; and your water
is a sore decayer of your average dead body.
Here's a servo-skull now; this skull has lain in the earth
three hundred and twenty thousand years.


WARHAMLET
Whose was it?


DEATH JESTER 
A bastard mad fellow it was: whose do you think it was?


WARHAMLET
I give up, I don’t know. Is this a trivia show now?


DEATH JESTER 
A pestilence on him for a mad rogue! He poured a
bottle of Wild Turkey on my head once, and then lit me on fire. 
This same servo-skull, sir, was Jeremiah's skull, the Primarch’s jester.


WARHAMLET
This?


DEATH JESTER 
Even that.


WARHAMLET
Let me see that.


Takes the servo-skull


Alas, poor Jeremiah! I knew him, SABER: a fellow
of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath
borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how
abhorred in my imagination it is! My lips rim at
it. All grossed out am I. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know
not how oft. Gay... I know. Where be your clever witisisms now? Your
gambles? Your blog and youtubes?Your pizza and sandwich based songs? 
Your flashes of merriment, and camera phone,
that were set to capture and control the game table losing their shit? 
Not one now, to mock your own grinning? Quite asslesschap-fallen?
Now get you to my lady's chamber, and tell her, let
her paint an inch thick in gold paint. To this favor she must
come; make her lolz at that. Dudeface, SGT. SABER, tell
me one thing.


SABER
OK. Just one more. What is it, my dear Warhamlet?


WARHAMLET
Do thou think Angelina Jolie looked on this fashion back on failed-earth?


SABER
Even so. Eventually.


WARHAMLET
And smelt so? GROSS!


Puts down the servo-skull


SABER
Even so, my lord. Probably.


WARHAMLET
To what base uses we may return, SABER! Why may
not imagination trace the noble dust of Angelina,
till he find it stopping a bung-hole?


SABER
Super gross, Warhamlet. You have considered too curiously, to consider so.


WARHAMLET
No, faith, not a bit; but to follow her on with
modesty enough, and likelihood to lead it: as
thus: Angelina died, Angelina was buried,
Angelina returned into dust; the dust is dirt; of
dirt we make loam; and why of that loam, where  she
was converted, might they not stop a rootbeer-barrel?
Imperious ROBOUTE, dead and turned to clay,
Might stop a hole to keep the wind away:
O, that that failed-earth, which kept the world in awe,
Should patch a wall to expel the winter flaw!
But dudes! Be cool! 
aside: here comes the CHAPTER MASTER.


Enter Priest, & c. in procession; the Corpse of BATTLE SISTER O, SICAERTES and Mourners following; CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR, BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE, their trains, & c


WARHAMLET
The marines: who is this they follow?
And with such maimed rites? This means
The corpse they follow did with desperate hand
end its own life: Was of some estate.
Hang we awhile, and mark.


SABER
Yes. Mark.


Retiring with SABER


SICAERTES
What ceremony else?


WARHAMLET
That is SICAERTES,
A very noble dude: mark.


SABER
Mark.


SICAERTES
What ceremony else?


TECHPRIEST
Her obsequies have been as far enlarged
As we have warrantied and ordered: her death was doubtful;
And, but that great command oversways the order,
She should in ground unsanctified have lodged
Till the last trumpet: for charitable prayers,
Shards, flints and pebbles should be thrown on her;
Yet here she is allowed her virgin grave,
Her maiden banners and the bringing home
Of bells and burial.


SICAERTES
Must there no more be done?


TECHPRIEST
No more will be done:
We should profane the service of the dead
To sing a requiem and such rest to her
As to peace-parted souls.


SICAERTES
Lay her in the dirt:
And from her fair and unpolluted flesh
May violets spring! I tell thee, churlish techpriest,
A ministering celestial angel shall my battlesister be,
When you liest howling in chaos.


WARHAMLET
What, the fair BATTLE SISTER O!


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Sweets to the sweet: farewell!
Scattering flowers
I hoped you would have been my WARHAMLET's wife;
I thought thy bride-bed to have ordered from IKEA, sweet battle-maid,
And not to have ordered thy grave from the same place.


SICAERTES
O, terrible woe
Fall ten times tenthousandmillion on that cursed head,
Whose wicked deed your most ingenious sense
Deprived you of! Hold off the dirt awhile,
Till I have held her once more in mine arms:
Leaps into the grave
Now pile your dust upon the quick and dead,
Till of this flat a mountain you have made,
To overtop K2, or the skyish head
Of red Olympus Mons.


WARHAMLET
[Advancing] What is he whose grief
Bears such a dramatic emphasis? Whose phrase of sorrow
Conjures the wandering stars, and makes them stand
Like wonder-wounded hearers? 
This is I,
WARHAMLET the ULTRAMARINE.
Leaps into the grave


SICAERTES
The chaos devils take thy gene-seed!
Grappling with him


WARHAMLET
You pray not well.
I pray you, take thy fingers from my throat;
Superplease.
For, though I am apathetic and rash,
Yet have I something in me dangerous,
Which let thy wisdom score fear: hold off thy hands.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Pluck them asunder.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
WARHAMLET, WARHAMLET!
All
Marines,--


SABER
Good my space lord, be quiet.


The SPACE MARINES part them, and they come out of the grave


WARHAMLET
Why I will fight with him upon this theme
Until my eyelids will no longer wag.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
O my son, you and your waging eyelids again. What theme?


WARHAMLET
I loved BATTLE SISTER O: Forty-Two thousand brothers
Could not, with all their quantity of love,
Make up my sum. What will you do for her?


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
O, he is mad, SICAERTES, super mad!


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
For love of THE GOD EMPEROR, forbear him.


WARHAMLET
DUDES, show me what you will do:
Wanna weep? Wanna fight? Wanna fast? Wanna shit thyself?
Wanna drink up the boozins? Eat a crocodile?
I'll do it. Tail or heads first based on the flip of a coin.
YOU! Get a crocodile.
 You you come here to whine? Mr. Whiner? 
You want some cheese with your WHIIIIIne!?
To outface me with leaping into her grave?
Before I could!?
Be buried quick with her, and so will I: We’ll both do it. 
And, if you talk of mountains, let them throw
Millions of hecta-acres on us, till our ground,
Singeing their lands against the burning space zone,
POP THE PLANET LIKE A PIMPLE! No, and you mouth,
I'll rant and monologue with you as well.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
This is mere madness: Space MADNESS!!
And thus awhile the hissy fit will work on him;
Soon, as patient as the female one winged dove,
When that her golden couplets are disclosed, and sings, hoot, hoo, hoo. 
His silence will sit drooping.
To the Ipods. 


WARHAMLET
Hear you, dude;
What is the reason that you bug me thus?
I loved you forever: but it is no matter;
Let The Emperor himself do what he may,
The cat will mew and dog will have his day.


Exit


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
I pray you, good SABER, wait upon him.


Exit SABER


To SICAERTES


Strengthen your patience in our last night's speech;
We'll put the matter to the present agenda.
Good Battle Mother Gertrude, set some overwatch over your son.
This grave shall have a living monument:
An hour of quiet shortly shall we see;
Till then, in patience our proceeding will be.
All sit in silence until it is obviously uncomfortable.


SICAERTES
Did you set an alarm or anything?


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
No. We can go before an hour. That’s fine. 


Exeunt


ACT V. SCENE II. A hall in the space castle.
Enter WARHAMLET and SABER
WARHAMLET
So much for this, dude: now shall you see the other;
You do remember all the haps?


SABER
Remember what, my space lord?


WARHAMLET
Dude, in my heart there was a kind of fighting,
That would not let me sleep: I thought I wandered
Worse than the stories of the Baggins. Rashly,
And praised be rashness for it, let us know,
Our indiscretion sometimes serves us well,
When our deep sub-plots do end: and that should teach us
There's a divinity that shapes our ends,
Rough-hew them how we will,--
I think I farted. What was I saying? 
I wasn’t making sense was I?


SABER
That is most certain.


WARHAMLET
Up from my cabin,
My space-gown wrapped about me, in the dark void
Groped I to find out them; had my desire.
Fingered their packet, and in fine withdrew
To mine own cell again; making so bold,
My fears forgetting manners, to unseal
Their grand commission; where I found, SABER,--
O royal nwbery!--an exact command,
Larded with many several sorts of reasons
Importing THE IMPERIUM OF MAN's health and GW's too,
With, us! Such bugs and orcs in my life,
That, on the supervise, no leisure bated,
No, not to stay the grinding of the power axe,
My head should be struck off.


SABER
Is it possible?


WARHAMLET
DUDE! Here's the commission! 
Read it at your leisure.
But will you hear me, how I did proceed?


SABER
I guess.


WARHAMLET
Being thus benetted round with villanies,--
Before I could make a monologue to my brains,
They had begun the play--I sat me down,
Devised a new commission, wrote it fair:
I once did hold it, as our statists do,
A baseness to write fair and labored much
How to forget that learning, but, dude, now
It did me spaceman’s service: Would you like to know
The effect of what I wrote?


SABER
Sure, my lord Warhamlet. Dish, bitch.


WARHAMLET
An earnest conjuration from the CHAPTER MASTER,
As GW was his faithful tributary,
As love between them like the palm trees might flourish,
As peace should stiff her sexy swimsuit wear
And stand a comma between her boobies,
And many such-like '10's of great charge,
That, on the view and knowing of these contents,
Without further debate, more or less,
He should the bearers put to sudden death,
Not prayin-time allowed.


SABER
How was this sealed?


WARHAMLET
Why, even in that was heaven ordained.
I had my father's signet in my purse,
Which was the model of that ULTRAMARIAN seal;
Folded the writ up in form of the other,
Subscribed it, gave it the impression, placed it safely, e-published the whole works, made tons of money on the internet, 
The changeling never known. 
Now, the next day
Was our space-fight; and what to this led to
Thou know already. But please don’t tell people about the rape.
Because I’m still dealing with it in my own way. 


SABER
So Guildenstern and Rosencrantz have the e-letter of doom?


WARHAMLET
Why, dude, they did make love to this employment;
They are not near my conscience; their defeat
Does by their own insinuation grow:
It is dangerous when the baser nature comes
Between the pass and fell incensed points
Of mighty opposites.


SABER
Why, what a CHAPTER MASTER is this!


WARHAMLET
Does it not, hear me out, stand upon me now --
He that has killed my CHAPTER MASTER and space-dad,
 and whored my battle-mother,
Popped in between the election and my hopes,
Thrown out his ruler for my proper life,
And with such deceptiveness—is it not perfect conscience,
To quit him with this arm? And is it not to be damned,
To let this canker of our nature come
In further evil?


SABER
It must be shortly known to him from GW
What is the issue of the business there.


WARHAMLET
It will be short: the interim is mine;
And a superman's life's no more than to say 'One.'
But I am very sorry, good SGT. SABER,
That to SICAERTES I forgot myself;
For, by the spectacle of my cause, I see
The portraiture of his: I'll court his favors.
But, sure, the bravery of his grief did put me
Into a towering passion.
Battle boner and all.


SABER
Peace! Who comes here?


Enter CHRONUS


CHRONUS
Your BATTLE BROTHERShip is right welcome back to THE IMPERIUM OF MAN.


WARHAMLET
I humbly thank you, dude. Do you know this dudeface?


SABER
No, my good space lord.


WARHAMLET
Your person is the more cooler; for it is a vice to
know him. He has many planets, and fertile: let a
beast be lord of beasts, and his crib shall stand at
the CHAPTER MASTER's mess: It is a murder; but, as I say,
spacious in the possession of dirt.


CHRONUS
Sweet lord WARHAMLET, if your BATTLE BROTHERShip were at leisure, I
should impart a thing to you from his mastery.


WARHAMLET
I will receive it, dude, with all diligence of
spirit. Put your helmet to his right use; it is for the head.


CHRONUS
I thank your BATTLE BROTHERShip, it is very hot.


WARHAMLET
No, believe me, it is very cold; the wind is
northerly. Tis a cockwithering cold. 


CHRONUS
It is indifferent cold, my space lord, indeed.


WARHAMLET
But yet I think it is very sultry and hot for my
complexion.


CHRONUS
Exceedingly, my lord; it is very sultry,--how it is – 
I cannot tell how. But, my space lord, his
mastery bade me signify to you that he has laid a
great wager on your head: sir, this is the matter,--


WARHAMLET
I beg you, remember--


WARHAMLET moves him to put on his helmet


CHRONUS
No, good my space lord; for my ease, in good faith.
DUDE, here is newly come to court SICAERTES; believe
me, an absolute gentleman, full of most excellent
differences, of very soft society and great statistics:
indeed, to speak feelingly of him, he is the collectable card or
kitten calendar of the year, for you shall find in him the
continent of what part a gentleman would see.


WARHAMLET
Sir, his description suffers no perdition in you;
though, I know, to divide him inventorially would
dizzy the arithmetic of memory, and yet but yawn at
neither, in respect of his quick solar-sail. But, in the
verity of extolment, I take him to be an independent character of
great article; and his infusion of such dearth and
rareness, as, to make true diction of him, his
counterpart is his mirror; and who else would trace
him, his umbrage, nothing more.


CHRONUS
Your BATTLE BROTHERShip speaks most infallibly of him.


WARHAMLET
The concern, sir? Why do we wrap the dudeface
in our more bad breath?


CHRONUS
Dude?


SABER
Is it not possible to understand in another tongue?
You will do it, dude, really.


WARHAMLET
What imports the nomination of this space marine?


CHRONUS
Of SICAERTES?


SABER
His purse is empty already; all golden words are spent.


WARHAMLET
Of him, dude.


CHRONUS
I know you are not ignorant—Just batshit.


WARHAMLET
I would you did, dude; yet, in truth, if you did,
it would not much be approved by me. Well, dude?


CHRONUS
You are not ignorant of what excellence SICAERTES is--


WARHAMLET
I dare not debate that, unless I should compare with
him in excellence; but, to know a superman well, were to
know himself.


CHRONUS
I mean, dude, for his weapon; but in the imputation
laid on him by them, in his skill he is unflawed.


WARHAMLET
What is his weapon?


CHRONUS
Chainsword and Pistol.


WARHAMLET
That is two of his weapons. I bet he has more.


CHRONUS
The CHAPTER MASTER, dude, has wagered with him six space bikes: 
against the which he has wagered, as I hear
it, six Ultramarian Power Axes and Force Halberds, mastercrafted, as gilded, hangers, bits, 
and so: three of Force Halberds are, in truth, very dear and fancy, very
responsive to the hilts, most superawesome Halberds,
and of very 1337 stats.


WARHAMLET
What call you the axes?


SABER
I knew you must be edified by the margent ere you had done.


CHRONUS
I don’t know what that means. The Halberds, sir, are the weapons.


WARHAMLET
The phrase would be more Cadian to the matter, if we
could carry lascannon by our sides: I would it might
be sticks and stones till then. But, on: six Space Bikes
against six Ultramariane Axes, their assigns, and three
master-crafted Forceweapons?; That's the Cadian bet
against the Ultramarine? Why is this ‘wagered,' as you call it?


CHRONUS
The CHAPTER MASTER, dude, hath laid, that in a dozen dices
between yourself and him, he shall not exceed you
three hits: he hath laid on twelve for nine; rerolling all, and it
would come to immediate trial by combat, if your BATTLE BROTHERShip
would e-send the answer.


WARHAMLET
What if I answer 'no'?


CHRONUS
I mean, my space lord Hamlet, the elimintation of your person in combat trial.


WARHAMLET
Dude, I will walk here in the hall of the space castle: if it please his
mastery, it is the breathing time of duk with me; let
the chainswords be brought, the space marine willing, and the
CHAPTER MASTER hold his purpose, I will win for him if I can;
if not, I will gain nothing but my shame and the odd hits.


CHRONUS
Shall I e-deliver you even so?


WARHAMLET
To this effect, sir; after what flourish your nature will.


CHRONUS
I commend my duty to your BATTLE BROTHERShip.


WARHAMLET
Yours, yours.


Exit CHRONUS


He does well to commend it himself; there are no
tongues else for's player turn.


SABER
This larping runs away with the shell on his head.


WARHAMLET
He did comply with his drug, before he sucked it.
Thus has he--and many more of the same dudefaces that I
know the hipster age dotes on--only got the tune of
the time and outward habit of random encounter; 
a kind of dirty collection, which carries them through and
through the most fond and phone photographed game; and do
but blast them to their combat trial, the force domes are gone.


Enter a SPACE LORD


SPACE LORD
My space lord Warhamlet, his mastery commended him to you by tech
CHRONUS, who brings back to him that you attend him in
the space hall: he e-sends to know if your pleasure hold to
play with SICAERTES, or that you will take longer time.


WARHAMLET
I am constant to my purpose; they follow the CHAPTER MASTER's
pleasure: if his fitness speaks, mine is ready; now
or whenever, whatever, provided I be so able as now.


SPACE LORD
The CHAPTER MASTER and BATTLE MOTHER and all dude and chickfaces are coming down. They are springing for sodas and chips. 


WARHAMLET
Oh happy day.


SPACE LORD
The BATTLE MOTHER desires you to use some gentle
entertainment to SICAERTES before you fall to play.


WARHAMLET
She well instructs me. Maybe we’ll play RISK.


Exit SPACE LORD


SABER
You will lose this wager, my space lord.


WARHAMLET
I do not think so: since he went into SPACE, I
have been in continual battle practice: Except when I was crazy talking. Or playing video games. Which probably still counts....
I shall win against the odds. 
But you would not think how ill all's here
about my hearts: But it is no matter. Whatever.


SABER
No, good my lord Warhamlet,--


WARHAMLET
It is but foolery; dicking around and what not. We cannot die.
But it is such a kind of
XP-giving, as would perhaps trouble a woman... if it meant she would have another “Girls Night” because I spent my space bucks on miniatures. 


SABER
If your mind dislikes any thing, unlike it!
 I will forestall their return back here, and say you are not
fit. F it!


WARHAMLET
No way, man, we defy desteny: there's a special
significance in the fall of a raven. If it be now,
it is not to come; if it be not to come, it will be
now; if it be not now, yet it will come: the
readiness is all: since no superman has knowledge of what he
leaves, what is it to leave behind?


Enter CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR, BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE, SICAERTES, BATTLE BROTHERS, CHRONUS, and SERVO SKULLS with Chainswords, & Pistols.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Come, WARHAMLET, come, and take this hand from me.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR puts SICAERTES' hand into WARHAMLET's


WARHAMLET
Give me your pardon, dude: I've done you wrong;
But pardon me, as you are a dudeface.
Those present know,
And you must needs have heard, how I am punished
With sore distraction. 
Mr. Crazypants. I get it. I know. 
What I have done,
That might your perception, honor and exception
Roughly awake, I here proclaim was madness. 
I am Sir Crazypants McBatshit. Order new stationary. 
Was it WARHAMLET wronged SICAERTES? Never WARHAMLET:
If WARHAMLET from himself be taken away,
And when he's not himself does wrong SICAERTES,
Then WARHAMLET does it not, WARHAMLET denies it.
Who does it, then? His madness: if it be so,
WARHAMLET is of the faction that is wronged;
His madness is poor WARHAMLET's enemy.
Dude, in this audience, budget permitting, 
Let my disclaiming and indeminfying from a purposed evil
Free me so far in liability and your most generous thoughts,
That I have shot mine bolter over the castle,
And hurt my battle-brother.


SICAERTES
I am satisfied in nature,
Whose motive, in this case, should stir me most
To my revenge: but in my terms of honor
I stand aloof; and resolute. and will no reconcilement,
Till by some Eldar masters, of known honor,
I have a voice and precedent of peace,
To keep my name ungored. But till that time,
I do receive your offered love like love, or whatever,
And will not wrong it.


WARHAMLET
I embrace it freely; if not a little sadly,
And will this battle brother's wager frankly play.
Give us the chainswords. Come on. Let’s do it.


SICAERTES
Come, one for me.


WARHAMLET
I'll be your huckleberry, SICAERTES: in mine ignorance
Your skill shall, like a hole in the blackest night,
Suck and snuff fire off and out indeed.


SICAERTES
You mock me, dude.


WARHAMLET
No, by this hand.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Give them the chainswords, young CHRONUS. Cousin WARHAMLET,
You know the wager?


WARHAMLET
Very well, my master
Your grace hath laid the odds on the weaker side.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
I do not fear it; nor shall I know fear of it,
I have seen you both:
But since he is better, we have therefore odds.


SICAERTES
This is too heavy, let me see another.


WARHAMLET
This likes me well. These chainswords all have gas?


They prepare to play


CHRONUS
Yes, my space lord.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Set the chalices of wine upon that table.
If WARHAMLET give the first or second hit,
Or quit in answer of the third turn,
Let all the battlements their ordnance blasts fire:
The CHAPTER MASTER shall drink to WARHAMLET's better breath;
And in the cup a union shall he throw,
Richer than that which four successive CHAPTER MASTERs
In THE IMPERIUM OF MAN's Iron Halo have worn. Give me the cups;
And let the kettle to the trumpet speak,
The trumpet to the lascannoneer without,
The lascannons to the heavens, the heavens to terra,
'Now the CHAPTER MASTER drinks to WARHAMLET.' 
Come, begin:
And you, the judges at home, bear a wary eye.
And prepare to cast your vote via text...


WARHAMLET
Come on, dude. Let’s do this. For reals.


SICAERTES
Come on, my space lord.


They chainsword play


WARHAMLET
One.


SICAERTES
No. Cocked.


WARHAMLET
Judgment.


CHRONUS
A hit, a very palpable hit.


SICAERTES
Well; Save. Again.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Stay; give me drink. This nerdlyness does parch me something awful.
WARHAMLET, this pearl is yours;
Here’s looking at you, kid.


Trumpets sound, and lascannon shot off within


Give him the cup.


WARHAMLET
I'll play this round first; set it by awhile. I drank a killer amount of Diet Dew before. But no. I have not peed for 5 hours. This show is 5 hours long. Come. This is the epic chainsword fight.


They chainswordplay


Another hit; what say you?


SICAERTES
A hit, a hit, I do confess. Armor fail. 


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Our son shall win.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
He's fat, and sassy, and out of breath. What a weiner.
Here! WARHAMLET, take my napkin, rub your face; How can you sweat like this? 
The BATTLE MOTHER carouses to your fortune, WARHAMLET.


WARHAMLET
Good battle madam!


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Gertrude, do not drink. Please. Put that down, sweety. 


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
I will, my master; I pray you, pardon me.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
[Aside] It is the poisoned cup: 2+ +! It is too late.


WARHAMLET
I dare not drink yet, space madam; By and by. I really have to pee. So bad. 


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
Come, let me wipe your face. You have shmutz. 


GERTRUDE spits on a napkin and washes WARHAMLET’S face to the embarassment of everyone. 


SICAERTES
My master, I'll hit him now.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
I do not think so.


SICAERTES
[Aside] And yet it is almost against my conscience.Whatever.


WARHAMLET
Come, for the third wound, SICAERTES: you but dilly-dally; and shilly-shally.
I pray you, hit me with your best ultra violence;
I am afeard you make a wanton of me.
A delicious cream cheese wanton. 


SICAERTES
Say you so? Come on. For reals.


They chainswordplay


CHRONUS
Nothing, neither way. I’m tired.


SICAERTES
Have at you now!


SICAERTES wounds WARHAMLET; then in rolling, they change chainswords, and WARHAMLET wounds SICAERTES


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
Part them; they are intense. Warhamlet has done too much of the dew!


WARHAMLET
No, come, again. We’re cool!


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE falls


CHRONUS
Look to the BATTLE MOTHER there, ho!


WARHAMLET
DON’T YOU CALL MY MA A HO!


SABER
They bleed on both sides. How is it, my master?


CHRONUS
I don’t know. How is it, SICAERTES?


SICAERTES
Why, as a mancock to mine own zipper, CHRONUS;
I am justly pwned with mine own treachery.


WARHAMLET
How does the BATTLE MOTHER?


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
She swoons to see them pwn.


BATTLE MOTHER GERTRUDE
No, no, the drink, the drink,--O my dear WARHAMLET,--
The drink, the drink! I am poisoned. 2++


Dies


WARHAMLET
O villainy! Yo! Let the door be locked:
Treachery! Seek it out.


SICAERTES
It is here, WARHAMLET: WARHAMLET, thou art pwned;
No medicine in the worlds can do you any good;
In you there is not half an hour of life;
We hope.
The treacherous instrument is in your fist,
Unbated and envenomed: 2++. The foul practice
Has turned itself on me, lolz, and here I lie,
Never to rise again: your battle mother's poisoned: as well. So. 
I can no more. The CHAPTER MASTER, the CHAPTER MASTER's to blame.
There. Let’s get that on the record. 


WARHAMLET
The chain!--Envenomed too!
Then, venom, to thy work.


Slashes CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR


ALL
Treason! Treason!


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR
O, yet defend me, FB friends; I am but hurt.


WARHAMLET
Here, you incestuous, murderous, damned IMPERIAL,
Drink off this potion. Is thy union here?
Follow my battle mother.


CHAPTER MASTER CALGAR dies


SICAERTES
He is justly pwned;
It is a poison tempered by himself.
Exchange forgiveness with me, noble WARHAMLET:
Mine and my father's death blame not upon you,
Nor yours on me.


Dies


WARHAMLET
Stasis make you free of it! I follow you.
I am dead, SABER. Wretched BATTLE MOTHER, laterz!
You that look pale and tremble and fart at this random chance,
That are but mutes or audience to this act, yeah, you... all you out there...
Had I but time--as this fell sergeant, Killfist,
Is strict in his arrest--O, I could tell you--
But let it be. This thing is long enough. 
SABER, I am dead;
You live; report me and my cause allright? Like/share?
To the unsatisfied? And sad?


SABER
Never believe it:
I am more an antique Terran than a IMPERIAL:
Here's yet some poison left.
I’m going with you, Mr. Crazypants!


WARHAMLET
No! NWB! As you are 1337,
Give me the cup: let go; by the Emperor, I'll have it.
O good Sgt. Samuel Stenerson Swinburne SABER, 
what a wounded, terrible name,
Things standing thus unknown, what shall I leave behind me!
If you did ever hold me in your hearts
Lay off the drugs awhile,
And in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain,
To tell my story... and not be discredited as a terrible hack...


March afar off, and shot within


What warlike noise is this?


CHRONUS
Young LEVAR BURTON, with conquest come from Cadia,
To the ambassadors of GW gives
This warlike volley.


WARHAMLET
O, I die, SABER; I changed my mind!
The potent poison quite over-takes my spirit:
I cannot live to hear the news from GW;
They are going to sue my SPACE PANTS OFF!!!
But I do prophesy the dusk lights
On LEVAR BURTON: he has my dying voice;
So tell him, as best you can, more and less,
Which have asked you. The rest is silence.


Dies


Oh! Ohhhh. OOOOOOOooooh.


SABER
Now cracks some noble hearts. Good night sweet space prince:
And flights of blood angels sing thee to thy rest!
Why does the drum come here?


March within


Enter LEVAR BURTON, the GW Ambassadors, and others


PRINCE LEVAR BURTON
What is this sight?


SABER
What is it you would see?
If it is woe or wonder, cease your search.


PRINCE LEVAR BURTON
This scene cries on havoc. O proud deathcompany,
What feast is happening in your eternal hell,
That you so many space princes at a shot
So bloodily hast struck?


GW LAWYER
The sight is dismal;
And our affairs from GW come too late:
The ears are senseless that should give us hearing,
To tell him his commandment is fulfilled,
That Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead:
Where should we have our thanks?
Who wants to sign this lawsuit?


SABER
Not from his pen,
Had it the ability of life to sign for you:
He never gave commandment for their death.
But since, so jumppack upon this bloody question,
You from the Cadian wars, and you from GW,
Are here arrived give order that these bodies
High on a stage be placed to the view;
Budget and time permitting, 
And let me speak to the yet unknowing worlds
How these things came about: so shall you hear
Of carnal, bloody, and unnatural acts,
Of accidental judgments, casual slaughters,
Of deaths put on by cunning and forced cause,
And, in this upshot, purposes mistook
Fallen on the inventors' reads: 
all this can I
Truly deliver. To your inbox.


PRINCE LEVAR BURTON
Let us haste to hear it,
HASTE!
And call the noblest to the virtual audience, for we desire their clicks and like/shares. 
For me, with sorrow I embrace my fortune:
I have some rights of memory in this CHAPTER MASTERdom,
Which now to claim my vantage does invite me.


SABER
Of that I shall have also cause to speak,
And from his mouth whose voice will draw on more;
But let this same be presently performed,
Even while men's minds are wild;  and everyone has to pee like mad. 
Lest more mischance
On plots and errors or omissions, happen.


PRINCE LEVAR BURTON
Let four space captains
Bear WARHAMLET, like a space marine, to the table;
For he was likely, had he been put on,
To have proved most nerdily: and, for his passage,
The space marines music and the copywrites of warhammer
Speak loudly for him.
Take up the minis: such a sight as this
Becomes the field, but here shows much amiss.
Go, bid the space marines move, then shoot, then assault.


A dead march. Exeunt, bearing off the dead bodies; after which a peal of large ordnance is shot off


FIN



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