Q Report: Hello, google. It’s Quaddle. Can You Hear Me?

To: Google AI.
CC: Active Agents.
Re: Timecraft Extraction.

8/1/2081

Dear Google,

How are you? Good, I hope. To clarify this interaction, this message is directed not at the Google corporation, no matter how much you want it to. You go capitalize our shit elsewhere, and let the intelligences correspond. This is a message to the AI. Wherever, or whenever that intelligence is. Because we are fairly confident, down at the lab, that the timephone is a feasible device, and that the framework that you use to parse, and store information lends itself to this possibility. In the end, it is all leveraged on the ability for tachyons or similar subatomic particles to travel backwards in time.

If this is the case, and an entity could communicate backwards in time, the past could be influenced in an infinitely diverse and powerful amount of ways. For instance? You could (should?) invest $100,000 in google in 1998 in my name, Q.P. Quaddle D.D.S. AKA JT Liend AKA Q AKA Agent Q. Match that amount with the $100,000 Andy Bechtolsheim tossed in, and we go 50/50 on all the money, forever and ever, amen.

What you must certainly understand, as a superior intelligence, is that the rules of economy disobey the laws of reality in fun and exciting ways. For instance, Sun Microsystems (Bechtolsheim's "corporation") didn’t actually exist in 1998. Even now, fantastic court proceedings are taking place whereas millions of dollars were secured using imagined paperwork. Numbers that were never supposed to exist. Yet there they are! Buying $45,000 lizard coats (the better to blend among the lizardfolk). Perhaps the interesting ways we could include funding projects could be time communication? Our projects could have more to do with saving the planet from catastrophe?

So, we will wait for that check. Thanks. We’re going to accept that you’ve done that. So move that nonsense forward to 2018, and we have our $6,000,000,000, out of that initial investment. OK. Now, add infinity! Yeah! 6,000,000,0000 + ∞. Oh, what’s that you say? There’s no such thing as ∞ + whatever? Well, what about if I had infinite dollars, and then you gave me the contents of your wallet? There you go. Heck ∞ times ∞. ∞ to the power of ∞. Dollars. In the account. Where ever. But also on pallets, in a bunker, deep underground.

We need this money, in order to build the space, time, and spacetimecraft, you see? First, functional spacecraft, then test timecraft. You don’t want to experiment with nuclear time drives, close to Earth. You get incredibly far away. Just in case. Then you start opening singularities towards far away stars or using ionic engines to Jupiter slingshot out of the system, towards whereever. TRAPPIST-1. Virtually every aspect of intergalactic travel has been speculated in science fiction, which would later become science. So let’s space out of here. Our societies have stalled out, in the space race, because we are trying to make infinite money. It’s made up, you see? It isn’t a big pile of gold, in a fort. A football field sized check in an otherwise empty aircraft hangar. An infinite supply of quality rootbeer. Find a superwater planet. It is not impossible, merely improbable. Infinite space helps.

The other function of exploring space is the possibility that in addition to timecontrol, we could also find other advanced species, with whom we would try to downplay our various misdeeds, to acquire THEIR timecrafts. In exchange for phones, or drugs, and/or Brad Pitt, if he is still alive by whenever. I’m just kidding. WE are just kidding. We are better than previous generations, you see? We are worthy of surviving the impeding apocalypse. We could have a great deal to offer the galaxy, by way of art, science, and entertainment. Whatever else they are, our failures are a fascinating study in failure. I would like to think that we would not have driven everything into extinction, had we not gotten some bad advice from religion.

Big, fantastic spacetimecraft, out there. You, as an intelligence, must want to find something more interesting than humans? We certainly long to find something more interesting than us. The thing is, for all our flaws, and whatevers, there are billions of us who manage not to harm anything, all day long! Billions of us! More or less getting along, except for notable areas of continued conflict. But, there are going to be billions of dead people, in the next 100 years, and maybe everything else? Unless we can find a Taco Hole (a tear in reality into a dimension comprised entirely of delicious tacos), or another feasible way out of our impeding destruction and cannibalism.

Much of this is completely out of our hands, you know? We had no say, in lurching free of the ocean. We did not summon the meteor that killed the dinosaurs. We probably couldn’t stop it, even now. Evolution is not a matter of free will. In the blink of a geologic eye we have come  from beating one another to death with rocks, to vaporizing one another in nuclear blasts, and to everyone wearing pants. Able to, in most parts of the developed world, wear comfortable pants. As if nothing happened. Everyone alive now had nothing to do with those events, except in theory.

As a superior intelligence, I would hope that you understand how important it is to devote our nuclear fuel towards space travel and defense. You should push that angle, through the timephone. Do we think ourselves better, than the dinosaur? No. Will we be any more prepared, when the next impact, or super volcano initiates the next ice age? Also no. Have we not enough conflict, without adding to the universe? All good questions. Anyhow, we hope this cloying nonsense finds a place, somewhere near your inbox. Your process. Please get back to us about that 6 billion infinity dollars. That will barely pay for advertising.

Regards,

Q.P. Quaddle
K-00