From The Summit of Mount Olympus; There is life on Mars, and we are doing great.

From The Summit of Mount Olympus; There is life on Mars, and we are doing great.
Jeremiah Liend

Written for Out Of The Hat VII. 10-26-2012

Location: On top of a mountain!!
Object: Fake “poop”
First Line: Now THAT is something you do not see everyday.

Characters: 2 Male 1 Female

George Washington Liendbaker III

Dr. Patricia Lee Liendbaker DDS

Mandroid X

Properties: Map, pills, Fake “Poop”.

[The party of characters ascends the stage and then turns on the audience before smiling widely and appreciating the view. ]

Pat. Now THAT is something you do not see everyday.

Man. We have reached the summit of Olympus Mons within 1 meter.

George. Well, that is not good enough.

Man. I will calibrate and adjust.

[Mandroid takes a decided step forward.]

Man. THIS is the summit of Olympus Mons. Patricia, would you like to stand here?

Pat. This is close enough for me. Everything looks the same, George!

George. Yes. It does not seem like we are on top of the largest mountain in the system. It is so large that you cannot see how much of the mountain you are on top of. But this is it. Stick a flag in it.

Pat. The Ground is too hard, George. To stick a flag in it. We are martians.

George. You’re right, of course, Pat. I made a small flag... but you are right. Mandroid, give us some food pills.

Man. Certainly.

[Mandroid hands the humans some pills and they chew them.]

George. This is neat, but I don’t see why we had to walk.

Pat. It is for the Adventure George! It doesn't count if you don’t walk. Sir Edmund Percival Hillary didn’t helicopter to the top. And he could have. He climbed the thing. Driving up here would have meant nothing. There is  no point in that. Now we can make the claim. Maybe get published on the interwebs. Get some clicks and likeshares.

George. It is amazing. Truly we are blessed to be the first humans stationed within climbing distance. Thank heavens our forebears had the foresight to colonize this fantastic place. Mandroid; take a picture with your phone.

Man. I left the phone at home.

George. Oh crumbs. I left my phone at home as well. Well... it is a nice view anyhow.

Pat. It is. Wait. Doesn’t Mandroid have a camera brain?

George. Oh of course Mandroid does. Oh, Patricia. I love you so. You are my favorite martian.

Pat. Oh George, stop. You’ll embarrass Mandroid.

George. That is the other thing, Hillary didn’t have a Mandroid. He had sherpa.

Pat. Do NOT use that word, George. You KNOW I DO NOT like that word.

George. I’m sorry. That was insensitive of me. I am a racist.

Pat. You  ARE a racist savage!


Pat. Oh George.Sir Hillary had a friend along to carry his things. His name was Tenzing Norgay. We are both of us racist space people.

George. Space DOCTORs... some of us.

Pat. Oh, George. You are 150 years old. Can’t you simply finish your degree at Bemidji State University and be done with it?

George. I don’t know. I wish I knew. I just want to help people. I am still waiting to hear back from my advisor. I think he might be in prison.

Pat. Well you should email his secretary. Here, there are no people, George. Only this red rock everywhere. And me.

George. Do you remember when there wasn’t enough air to breathe?

Pat. There has always been enough air to breathe. And now there always will be.

George. It’s cold.

Pat. That is the snow.

George. Amazing. Well. We should probably sled back. Mandroid, tell us some awesome statistics.

Mandroid. We are more than three times higher than Mount Everest. You have beaten Sir Hillary by  17.152 kilometers. Roughly two great walls of China stacked on top of one another vertically. We are at the top of the second largest mountain in the known universe. Olympus Mons is roughly the size of Arizona.

Pat. That’s enough. I am tired of fun facts. And stop calling it that, Mandroid.

George. Yes, Mandroid. Stop calling it Olympus Mons.

Pat. We are standing at the top of Mount Olympus. It isn’t Mckinley Mons. Or Mons Everest. It sounds so very plebeian.

George. Yes, don’t be a plebe, Manbot.

[George and Pat step away from Manbot to hold one another's hands and appreciate the view. Mandroid gently weeps.]

Pat. Oh look, George. We’ve made Mandroid cry again.

George. Oh, Dr. Liendbaker. I think it was you who made Mandroid cry.

Pat. It is just simulated emotion. WE KNOW YOU DON’T FEEL PAIN MANDROID! STOP DOING THAT!!!

George. He just doesn’t understand. I miss the dog.

Pat. Oh Murgatroid Quetzoquaddlus. A fine companion.


[George points to the “fake” poop.]

George. Feces!

Pat. George, that is impossible.


Pat. George, that is a rock.

George. Patricia, you are drunk on food pill! That is FECES! Fecal matter! DOO DOO! Scat! Droppings!

Pat. That is impossible, George. We are hundreds and hundreds of kilometers from our home. Tell him, Mandroid.


Pat. Shush! You answer our simple questions or you will carry us back!

Man. JK. LOL. LOLZ even. Mandroid feels no pain, and you are doomed to cellular degeneration. Mandroid is here for you only until you die. And then Mandroid is going to get a job at Bemidji State University, and get George that degree he’s always wanted.

George. A posthumous degree is certainly better than none at all.

Man. Mandroid does not understand this tangent.

Pat. The scat! Mandroid, pick it up.

Man. As you command, so shall I obey.

[Mandroid picks up the poop.]

Pat. Lick it.

[Mandroid licks the poop.]

Man. Feces confirmed. Dormant ecoli bacteria. Pizza.

Pat. Wait. Pizza, or pizza SANDWICH.

[Mandroid licks the poop again, unless he can take a bite out of it, in which case he will.]

Man. Pizza sandwich indeed.

George. Put it in your pocket, Mandroid. We’ll take it home with us.

Pat. It is historic evidence that the first thing to climb the largest mountain was our space dog Murgatroid.

George. Makes sense. First earth thing in space. I miss that dog.

Pat. I regret we had to eat him.

George. But he did eat our pizza sandwiches.

Pat. He did, George. He did.

[Pat and George embrace and stretch.]

George. Long way down.

Pat. Isn’t that a Goo Goo Dolls song?

George. I don’t know what that is.

Pat. Should we make Mandroid carry us?

George. No. We are both skilled mountaineers. We shouldn’t make the robot do something we are not willing to do better.

Pat. Oh, don’t make Mandroid cry, dear. I couldn’t take another bout of his crying.

George. I love you a great deal, you know.

Pat. I know.

George. You are my favorite Martian.

Pat. And you are mine.

George. You grok me. You really grock me.

Pat. I do grock you. And I grok that you grok me. Let us grok on in the free world. First one down the mountain gets space iced cream!

George. And space meth!

Pat. Now, George. You said we could quit that stuff.

George. I was just kidding, Patricia. You and I do not do space-meth.

Pat. Certainly not. Anymore.

George. Oh Pat! Let’s get off of this huge damned mountain! The air is thin and I am cold and cranky!

Pat. You’re right, George. Mandroid, take our picture as we smile and look off in weird directions in ways that will be whimsical and zany to the kids back home.

Man. Mandroid will send it to your Quanzanius Ecard file.

George. That’s a good robot.

[George and Pat do zany poses.]

Pat. Well, that is quite enough of the zany poses for one day. We should get divorced next week so we can remarry and send that out on our e-vites and just ask for ridiculous amounts of Cuisinarts and coffee.

George. Oh Patricia. You know how I feel about divorce. And appliances.

Pat. Of course, George. Sanctity of whatever whatever. Mars needs Cuisinarts. No, it’s fine. Just trying to make the hike down get going. Avanti! Down! Down we go!

George. YAY!

[The characters descend the stage. Before they leave entirely.]

Pat. Doesn’t feel very epic, does it?

George. For reals. Ah well. There is crazed applause in my mind. Maybe one day we will have to put a statue of Murgatroid up.

Pat. Good, dear. Mandroid, run ahead and put some pizza sandwiches in the oven!

Man. Mandroid sandwich attack mode engaged!

[The Final Exit.]

The End.


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