KONY 2013

TO: BSG Agents, et all

FROM: Agent Q

SUBJ: KONY 2013

SWe didn’t get the guy. Just a sad fact of life. A lot of people would blame the narrator, who went naked crazy. How we all manage our daily lives without stripping naked as sin and doing crazy shit is a matter for science, not human. Joseph Kony is Still Alive. SNL stuff Loren won’t run because he doesn’t want to be put on a list. We all want to get on the lists. There are so many lists of so many people, ranked according to any number of factors. A person can be the best fencer in the world. We hold a competition for that. Personal wealth is something the owners of Forbes watch quite closely and sell massive quantities of magazines about what the top 500 are doing with their near limitless wealth. Limitless wealth is an achievement Powerball offers only temporary satisfaction. But a million dollars disappears into bread and circuses so swiftly. And we are all up to our genitals in debt. Genitals, if we are lucky. There are so many people under that dark water of wealth. So many sickened, retarded, abandoned and left to die. And Kony is still at large.

We do not have a snappy operation over here at BSG world HQ. We keep no accounts. No personal records. We do not have a snappy production budget, or the quality of a USC film school degree. Oh that we did. We would be eating pizza sandwiches with a dozen kids by now. The essential struggle is, and always will be, the infinite pyramid of wealth, reaching forever higher as we make larger and larger amounts of money. To what end? Riding on boats. As it turns out the entire meaning of a quality life involves being on a boat. The numbers came back. And then you can get a number of boats, or a larger boat. Or a more efficient boat. And recently everyone has been buying a lot of guns. For the war. we guess. The numbers have not come back to us about that. As of now we are still at DEFCON 1, entrenched in WWIII. And Kony is probably eating hot pockets while raping drugged children. Right now. Somewhere in central Africa.

We do not have the budget, bottom line, to go get him. The entire function of a non-profit secret organization is NOT to have accounts. We do not even have a nice computer. But, what we do have, is the interweb, and a lot of people with guns and money. Somehow it seems that this is an issue that could best be solved by throwing our craziest and best trained gun nuts at a problem. What are all of those rifles doing in America? We cannot seem to help killing one another with them. Children. Not just delicious, cheap deer. But the deal is, you have to take Kony alive to get the bounty. Is the thing. Alive. And here is how you do it WITHOUT sending boatloads of armed  rebels into the heart of central Africa.

And that is not giving your money to Jason Russell. OH! BAZINGA! Snap. Sorry, Jason. Just razing you for press, man. Everyone has a bad day now and again, but you have to keep that crazy focused, like a crazy laser, at the target. And the target has to be getting Kony. So instead of raising money through clever posters and lavish films, we will just put it into a bounty. And the bounty will grow. And donating will become easier. And crazy hicks will purchase passage on gun-boats offering Kony hunts at $50,000 a head. And those crazy hicks will more than likely be shot by children.

And that is OK, because they would have died pursuing not only their dream, but something right and seemingly sane in a world of utter chaos. They would have died and left their families massive amounts of life insurance, so they can buy even more guns and more boats, to send successive generations of people to capture that child raping mad man. Because we tried a 15 minute long commercial. And as of press, it has not worked. Bottom line. Joseph Kony still eats honey nut cheerios every morning and continues to kidnap and brainwash and kill.

We would go do it ourselves, but we are bingo on terrorist hunting budget. But what we will give is the idea of donating a dollar to a bounty, and when it grows large enough, one of the children he has kidnapped will wake up and bring him in. And we will give that brave whoever millions of dollars and a new life without daily fear and murder. And there is no real cost on that. There is no dollar amount to be raised that could bring that person’s life back, or the lives already lost, or repair the lives ruined, but we would have ended it. Making him famous did not work. Because tyrants don’t impress people. Dollars do. Gods send Brad Pitt to save those poor abused children with his massive quantities of film dollars. Gods of Likes/Shares behold us.

Amazon can hold the cash. We want no part of it. The Guild does not facilitate invasion. The invasion is the idea, and the idea is the inevitable. Obviously Kony is still not famous enough, and maybe that is our hesitation in paying $50 for a t-shirt. There is a recession on. In case you had not been keeping up with the numbers. Our boys say we might clear the fence if the elephants play ball with the donkeys and  Kim continues to epic fail. But nothing is concrete. Nothing definable. We are all of us still just hurtling at hundreds of thousands of miles an hour through space and time on a metal ball a million billion years away from anything we could live on. The fissile material required for escape velocity is still packed into missile silos and floating in our seas. Everyone has mercury poisoning. Mad as hatters and multiplying rapidly. The solution and goal always remains the same; Free the mind-slaves. Stay safe out there, Agents. It is a dangerous time in our dangerous world.

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Q