Q-Report: Q Assassinates Kim Jong Un.
To All Respondent Guild Members,
What follows is first and foremost a stand-down order against further North Korean physical and/or psychic operations. The Kim is dead, long live the Kim. It was a hard thing to do, killing him as I did, and yet the boys down in the lab told me it had to be done. It goes against every principal of existence to willfully take the life of another, yet here we are. Because in the end, what the original assassins understood, it is better that one person should die if it means saving dozens, hundreds, possibly even millions more. History rarely gives us a clear and present danger to the continuation of human life. Kim was a notable exception, and given that he had given the order to execute a number of Baptists, a green light was given to kill the bastard.
I am going to assume that you know why Kim was a bad guy. But if you don’t, let me explain it to you. Concentration camps. Let’s start there. Executing your uncle and staff with antiaircraft weapons. There’s another one. I know it has to be rough. Growing up under a despotic tyrant. It has to be tough when your dad orders tens of thousands to watch your generals being burned alive for treason. Or whatever that word is in Korean. These are just the things that we know about in the media, but our intelligence probes have gone much, much farther, and let me tell you that I can’t share it with you. Because you do not deserve to know. Because knowing would make you insane. To think that a responsible global government could turn a blind eye from the continuing plight of a people laid siege to by an iron clad dictatorship.
So if you don’t know, now you know. To me, and maybe this is just a needless diatribe, but to ME Kim was worse than Osama. Why? Because Osama funded, with his rich oil daddy money, operations that would culminate most successfully on 9/11, and to lesser degrees before and after this date. But, after 9/11, mostly he masturbated in Pakistan. He had no real power. If he were to walk out of his compound, look around, and see some infidels blaspheming against the Quran, and he then ordered these infidels into a concentration camp, they would laugh and probably beat him up. Because Osama was a little guy. Tall, but thin. For my entire life I never feared Osama, but I did fear Kim. Because his toys were larger, his crimes exponentially worse, and someone everyone on the planet just let it happen. Because hey, they seem really happy. And invading Korea was not so great the several times a variety of nations have done so.
The bottom line is, Kim had to go. But it was actually really easy to get inside, what with Agent Rodman doing all of the leg work on the inside. How he was able to get so close is really beyond everyone down in the lab. Other Agents had been sent, to be sure. And all of them ended up dying in a concentration camp. But then we send Rodman in, because he WANTS to go, and we slap together this lame excuse for a VICE program and bingo. Inside. Satellite, infrared, texturing, an open book to the wide world of Kim, and then he goes, and then he goes back in and gets out! Rodman is going to take my job if there isn’t some sort of counter-assassination plot being put together because he was the lynchpin of getting it done.
The details of this operation are going to be fairly sparse, because so much of this is going to get redacted in subsequent revisions, and so why bother trying to give a real blow by blow? Rodman was our in, I will detail the op, there is a little transcript I want to share, and then just a little pillow talk for posterity. Because we all lead busy lives, you know? We’ve got stuff to do and what have you. OK. So, Rodman was our in. Somehow we convinced Agent Ladybunny, AKA Pamela Anderson to come along as well. We thought that this would provide us an opportunity at getting some direct time alone with Kim. Here’s how you get to Korea, you fly there. It is not nice, but you can get permission to land, and you do, and there’s Rodman and our 7 Agent Kill Team, and there’s Kim at the airport and it’s all hugs and kisses and golf bags and translators.
Ladybunny still looks great. Just stellar. She could run to David Hasselhoff music any day. She was behind the op for a while, because she hated religious persecution, and wanted to have a stake in liberating the global society from the tyranny of state sponsored theocracy. She could explain it for hours, and would, and then I would mention that I saw her having sex on the internet and the conversation would all fall apart. Everytime. It is a sort of self sabotage, because I am constantly at war with a 13 year old version of myself that makes bad decisions. And, The Mastress would kill her. Straight up. In a fair fight. Kim loves Ladybunny, though. Then it is limos and furs and liquor, and I don’t drink, but I DID bring this quality heroin! And Kim refuses at first, but Ladybunny makes it look so good, so there we are, in a limo with a despot, and he asks where we want to go, and says there is this parade. But we all agree we are way too high to watch 20,000 children coordinate in a dance. So we go back to his compound, and that is more or less where everything went down.
When you are in North Korea, you never see the men with machine guns smiling. That is because they are sure that they are not supposed to, and they are correct. When I hold a machine gun, I can’t help but smile. Even a little bit. It is a rare thing, because as a Guild member we are forbidden from firearms, but you know, you go on a retreat, or a friend wants you to throw some brass, and there you are, cranking out hot lead. But there is no elegance to it. Just joy. The soldiers of North Korea have lost the happiness of their warm guns. But, they don’t often have many bullets. Also, because they don’t have very many bullets, they are also terrible shots. So, once we had the kill team cordon off a little corner of the compound, the swords came out, and then it was all pretty quick. Because people don’t expect coordinate violence that far into the process. And who would believe that so many swords could fit in a golf bag? There was a lot of yelling and screaming and then some crying, and this is the only really reasonable portion of the transcript.
K. All of your ancestors will burn in the flames of hell!
Q. Stop it. Just stop it. You embarrass me. You embarrass yourself.
K. How COULD you Dennis Rodman!? How COULD YOU!? You were my special friend!
R. This is hard. This is hard for me, Q.
Q. Maybe you should go in the other room.
R. No. Let’s get this done. We came here for a reason.
Q. OK, Kim. Listen, we want you to call of the execution.
Q. Come on, man. We got you. Here we are. Trapping you. We’ve got the weapons, you do not. Just call off the execution.
K. I will have them nuke us all.
Q. That isn’t reasonable.
K. YOU don’t know what reasonable is! I went to OXFORD!
Q. Whatever, man. That doesn’t impress me. Just make the call, maybe we will just really wound you a lot. I’m a lover, not a fighter.
K. And YOU, PAMELA ANDERSON! YOU HAVE SAGGY TITS AND A LOOSE VAGINA!!!
[Sound of slapping.]
Q. You don’t get to talk about that lady like that, Kim. Not on my watch. Those beautiful orbs are a national treasure, and worth more to society than your entire failed life. Now listen, there are a bunch of confused Baptists awaiting execution, and you need to call wherever they are, and just get them on a plane to wherever.
K. I will never do that.
Q. We can do it, later. It will just be more difficult. But we can actually remove your throat with a simple surgery in which we only offer you a topical anithstetic, and then we can just pump air through that and make it make a noise. It’s really messed up, Kim. I don’t want to use it. Here, show him the machine.
R. What the fuck!?
Q. Language, Rodman, language.
L. I didn’t sign up for this.
Q. Sorry, sorry. We’re just on a very limited time frame.
K. You fucking dolt, they are already dead. I had them killed days ago. All of your news is old.
And then I stabbed Kim, first in the heart, and then liver. Two very quick thrusts. A person can only live about a minute bleeding from a puncture would to the liver, and it was about that. There was a little cursing, and some pooping, and then he was dead. Like disco. Like a donkey that is dead. Then we left, and I showered and ate a pizza sandwich, and then I wrote this report. So. You are up to speed. Carry on.