Glengravy Glen Close
GLENGRAVY GLEN CLOSE
By
Jeremiah Liend
Based on a previous work by David Mamet, but set in a school, and with considerably less swear words.
SCENE ONE
A table in a high school teacher’s lobby, Kuha and Whiting are
seated at the booth.
WHITING
Eric...Eric...Eric. Okay. Eric.
Eric. Look:
(pause)
The Glengravy Highland's kids,
you're sending Liend out. Fine.
He's a good dude. We know what he
is. He's fine. All I'm saying,
you look at the board, he's
throwing...wait, wait, wait, he's
throwing them away, he's throwing
the kids away. All that I'm
saying, that you're wasting kids.
I don't want to tell you your job.
All that I'm saying, things get
set, I know they do, you get a
certain mindset... A guy gets a
reputation. We know how this...all
I'm saying, put a closer on the job.
There's more than one man for the...
Put a...wait a second, put a proven
man out...and you watch, now wait a
second--and you watch your dollar
volumes...You start closing them
for fifty 'stead of twenty-
five...you put a closer on the...
KUHA
Jesse, you blew the last...
WHITING
No. Eric. No. Let's wait, let's
back up here, I did...will you
please? Wait a second. Please. I
didn't "blow" them. No. I didn't
"blow" them. No. One kicked out,
one I closed...
KUHA
...you didn't close...
WHITING
...I, if you'd listen to me.
Please. I closed the cherry sucker.
His ex, Eric, his ex, I didn't know
he was married...he, the judge
invalidated the...
KUHA
Jesse...
WHITING
...and what is that, Eric? What?
Bad luck. That's all it is. I
pray in your life you will never
find it runs in streaks. That's
what it does, that's all it's doing.
Streaks. I pray it misses you.
That's all I want to say.
KUHA
(pause)
What about the other two?
WHITING
What two?
KUHA
Four. You had four kids. One
kicked out, one the judge, you say...
WHITING
...you want to see the court
records? Eric? Eh? You want to
go down...
KUHA
...no...
WHITING
...do you want to go downtown...?
KUHA
...no...
WHITING
...then...
KUHA
...I only...
WHITING
...then what is this "you say"
poop, what is that?
(pause)
What is that...?
KUHA
All that I'm saying...
WHITING
What is this "you say"? A deal
kicks out...I got to eat. Poop,
Kuha, poop. You...Johnson...
Liend...look at the sheets...look at
the sheets. Two thousand,
two thousand-one...two thousand-two...six
months of two thousand-two...who's there?
Who's up there?
KUHA
Liend.
WHITING
Under him?
KUHA
Johnson.
WHITING
Bullpoop. Eric. Bullpoop. April,
September 2001. It's me. It isn't
fudging Johnson. Due respect, he's an
order taker, Eric. He talks, he
talks a good game, look at the
board, and it's me, Eric, it's me...
KUHA
Not lately it isn't.
WHITING
Lately kiss my bottom lately. That
isn't how you build an org...talk,
talk to Cease. Talk to Blessing.
When we were on Peterson, who paid
for his fudging car? You talk to
him. The Pontiac 6000...? He came in,
"You bought that for me, Jesse."
Out of what? Cold calling. Nothing.
Two thousand-five, when we were there,
with Glen Gravy Schools? You call them
downtown. What was that? Luck?
That was "luck"? Bullpoop, Eric.
You're burning my bottom, I can't get
a fudging lead...you think that was
luck. My statistics for those years?
Bullpoop...over that period of
time...? Bullpoop. It wasn't luck.
It was skill. You want to throw
that away, Eric...? You want to
throw that away?
KUHA
It isn't me...
WHITING
...it isn't you...? Who is it?
Who is this I'm talking to? I need
the kids...
KUHA
...after the thirtieth...
WHITING
Bullpoop the thirtieth, I don't get
on the board the thirtieth, they're
going to can my rear. I need the
kids. I need them now. Or I'm
gone, and you're going to miss me,
Eric, I swear to you.
KUHA
Cease...
WHITING
...you talk to Cease...
KUHA
I have. And my job is to marshal
those kids...
WHITING
Marshal the kids...marshal the
kids? What the fudge, what bus did
you get off of, we're here to
fudging sell. Fudge marshaling the
kids. What the fudge talk is that?
What the fudge talk is that? Where
did you learn that? In school? Here?
(pause)
That's "talk," my friend, that's
"talk." Our job is to teach. I'm
the man to teach. I'm getting
garbage.
(pause)
You're giving it to me, and what
I'm saying is it's fudged.
KUHA
You're saying that I'm fudged.
WHITING
Yes.
(pause)
I am. I'm sorry to antagonize you.
KUHA
Let me...
WHITING
...and I'm going to get bounced and
you're...
KUHA
...let me...are you listening to
me...?
WHITING
Yes.
KUHA
Let me tell you something, Jesse.
I do what I'm hired to do.
I'm...wait a second. I'm hired to
watch the kids. I'm given...hold
on, I'm given a policy. My job is
to do that. What I'm told. That's
it. You, wait a second, anybody
falls below a certain mark I'm not
permitted to give them the premium
kids.
WHITING
Then how do they come up above that
mark? With dreck...? That's
nonsense. Explain this to me.
Beause it's a waste, and it's a
stupid waste. I want to tell you
something...
KUHA
You know what those kids cost?
WHITING
The premium kids. Yes. I know
what they cost. Eric. Because I,
I generated the dollar revenue
sufficient to buy them. Nineteen
ninety-nine, you know what I made?
ninety-nine? Ninety-six thousand
dollars. Eric? For Cease... For
Blessing...look at the sheets...
KUHA
Cease said...
WHITING
Fudge him. Fudge Cease. Eric? You
know? You tell him I said so.
What does he fudging know? He's
going to have a "Standardized Test"
contest...you know what our Standardized Test
contest used to be?
(MORE)
WHITING (CONT'D)
Money. A fortune. Money lying on
the ground. Cease? When was the
last time he went out on a call?
Standardized Test contest? It's laughable.
It's cold out there now, Eric.
It's tight. Money is tight. This
Isn’t aught-five. It is not. It
just is not. See? See? Now, I'm a
good man--but I need a...
KUHA
Cease said...
WHITING
Eric. Eric...
KUHA
Will you please wait a second.
Jesse. Please. Cease told me:
the hot kids...
WHITING
...ah, fudge this...
KUHA
The...Jesse?
(pause)
The hot kids are assigned according
to the board. During the contest.
Period. Anyone who beats fifty
per...
WHITING
That's fudged. That's fudged. You
don't look at the fudging percentage.
You look at the gross.
KUHA
Either way. You're out.
WHITING
I'm out.
KUHA
Yes.
WHITING
I'll tell you why I'm out. I'm
out, you're giving me toilet paper.
Eric.
(MORE)
WHITING (CONT'D)
I've seen those kids. I saw them
when I was at Homestead, we pitched
those cherry suckers Left Behind
two thousand-nine they wouldn't
buy. They couldn't buy a fudging
toaster. For toasting, or pop-tarts,
or nothing They're broke, Eric.
They're cold. They're deadbeats,
you can't judge on that. Even so.
Even so. Alright. Fine. Fine.
Even so. I go in, FOUR FUDGING
KIDS they got their money in a
sock. They're fudging Norwegians,
Eric. Four kids. I test two.
Two. Fifty per...
KUHA
...they kicked out.
WHITING
They all kick out. You run in
streaks, pal. Streaks. I'm...
I'm...don't look at the board, look
at me. Jesse Whiting. Anyone.
Ask them on Western. Ask Adams at
Voyageurs. Go ask Michael Munson.
You know who I am...I NEED A SHOT.
I got to get on the fudging board.
Ask them. Ask them. Ask them who
ever picked up a check I was flush.
Johnson, Munson, Blessing
himself...Those guys lived on the
business I brought in. They lived
on it...and so did Cease, Eric.
You were here you'd of benefited
from it too. And now I'm saying
this. Do I want charity? Do I
want pity? I want sits. I want
kids that don't come right out of
a phone book. Give me a test
hotter than that, I'll go in and
teach it. Give me a chance.
That's all I want. I'm going to
get up on that fudging board and
all I want is a chance. It's a
streak and I'm going to turn it
around.
(pause)
I need your help.
Pause.
KUHA
I can't do it, Jesse.
Pause.
WHITING
Why?
KUHA
The kids are assigned randomly...
WHITING
Bullpoop, bullpoop, you assign
them... What are you telling me?
KUHA
...apart from the top men on the
contest board.
WHITING
Then put me on the board.
KUHA
You start testing again, you'll be
on the board.
WHITING
I can't teach these kids, Eric.
No one can. It's a joke. Eric,
look, just give me a hot kid.
Just give me two of the premium
kids. As a "test," alright? As a
"test" and I promise you...
KUHA
I can't do it, Jester.
Pause.
WHITING
I'll give you ten percent.
Pause.
KUHA
Of what?
WHITING
And what if you don't test.
WHITING
I will test.
KUHA
What if you don't test...?
WHITING
I will test.
KUHA
What if you don't? Then I'm fudged.
You see...? Then it's my job.
That's what I'm telling you.
WHITING
I will test. Eric, Eric, ten
percent. I can get hot. You know
that...
KUHA
Not lately you can't...
WHITING
Fudge that. That's defeatist. Fudge
that. Fudge it...Get on my side.
Go with me. Let's do something.
You want to run this school, run it.
KUHA
Twenty percent.
Pause.
WHITING
Alright.
KUHA
And fifty bucks a kid.
WHITING
Eric.
(pause)
Listen. I want to talk to you.
Permit me to do this a second. I'm
older than you. A man acquires a
reputation. On the street. What
he does when he's up, what he does
otherwise...I said "ten," you said
"no." You said "twenty." I said
"fine," I'm not going to fudge with
you, how can I beat that, you tell
me?...Okay. Okay. We'll...Okay.
Fine. We'll...Alright, twenty
percent, and fifty bucks a kid.
That's fine. For now. That's fine.
A month or two we'll talk. A month
from now. Next month. After the
thirtieth.
(pause)
We'll talk.
KUHA
What are we going to say?
WHITING
No. You're right. That's for
later. We'll talk in a month.
What have you got? I want two kids.
Tonight.
KUHA
I'm not sure I have two.
WHITING
I saw the board. You've got four...
KUHA
(snaps)
I've got Liend. Then I've got Johnson...
WHITING
Bullpoop. They have not been in the
school yet. Give them some idiot.
We have a deal or not? Eh? Two
kids. The Thompson Twins. Both of
them, six and ten, you can do
it...six and ten...eight and
eleven, I don't give a poop, you
set them up? Alright? The two kids
you know. With the hair cuts.
KUHA
Alright.
WHITING
Good. Now we're talking.
Pause.
KUHA
A hundred bucks.
Pause.
WHITING
Now?
(pause)
Now?
KUHA
Now.
(pause)
Yes...When?
WHITING
Ah, poop, Eric.
Pause.
KUHA
I wish I could.
WHITING
You fudging pie hole.
(pause)
I haven't got it.
(pause)
I haven't got it, Eric.
(pause)
I'll pay you tomorrow.
(pause)
I'm coming in here with the Standardized Test,
I'll pay you tomorrow.
(pause)
I haven't got it, when I pay, the
gas...I get back the results, I'll
bring it in tomorrow.
KUHA
I can't do it.
WHITING
I'll give you thirty on them now,
I'll bring the rest tomorrow. I've
got it at the apartment.
(pause)
Eric?
(pause)
We do that, for reals?
KUHA
No.
WHITING
I'm asking you. As a favor to me?
(pause)
Eric.
(long pause)
Eric: my pet iguana...
KUHA
I can't do it, Jesse...
WHITING
Well, I want to tell you something,
fella, wasn't long I could pick up
the phone, call Cease and I'd have
your job. You know that? Not too
long ago. For what? For nothing.
"Mur, this new kid burns my ass."
"Jesse, he's out." You're gone
before I'm back from lunch. I
bought him a trip to Bermuda once...
KUHA
I have to go...
(gets up)
WHITING
Wait. Alright. Fine.
(starts going in
pocket for money)
The one. Give me the kid. Give
me the one kid. The best one you
have.
KUHA
Their twins. I can't split them.
Pause.
WHITING
Why?
KUHA
It’s part of a study.
WHITING
(pause)
Is that it? Is that it? You want
to do education that way...?
Kuha gets up, leaves money on the table.
WHITING
You want to do education that way...?
Alright. Alright. Alright.
Alright. What is there on the
other list...?
KUHA
You want something off the B list?
WHITING
Yeah. Yeah.
KUHA
Is that what you're saying?
WHITING
That's what I'm saying. Yeah.
(pause)
I'd like something off the other
list. Which, very least, that I'm
entitled to. If I'm still teaching
here, which for the moment I guess
that I am.
WHITING
(pause)
What? I'm sorry I spoke harshly to
you.
KUHA
That's alright.
WHITING
The deal still stands, our other
thing.
Kuha shrugs. Starts out of the booth.
WHITING
Good. Mmm. I, you know, I left my
wallet back at the apartment.
SCENE TWO
A booth at the super-buffet. Johnson and Rhoades seated. After
the meal.
JOHNSON
Norwegians and deadbeats.
RHOADES
...Norwegians...
JOHNSON
Deadbeats all.
RHOADES
...they hold on to their money...
JOHNSON
All of them. They, hey: it happens
to us all.
RHOADES
Where am I going to work?
JOHNSON
You have to cheer up, Jens, you
aren't out yet.
RHOADES
I'm not?
JOHNSON
You missed a fudging sale. Big
deal. A deadbeat Norweigan. Big deal.
How you going to teach them in the
first place...? Your mistake, you
should not have took the kid.
RHOADES
I had to.
JOHNSON
You had to, yeah. Why?
RHOADES
To get on the...
JOHNSON
To get on the board. Yeah. How
you going to get on the board teaching
a Norwegian? And I'll tell you, I'll
tell you what else. You listening?
I'll tell you what else: don't ever
try to teach an Indian.
RHOADES
Are you being ignorant or specific?
JOHNSON
No no. I mean someone from India.
RHOADES
I'd never try to teach an Indian.
JOHNSON
You get those names come up, you
ever get them, "Impetigo?"
RHOADES
I don’t think that’s Indian...
JOHNSON
You ever get them?
RHOADES
Well, I think I had one once.
I actually think it is a kind
Of skin infection.
JOHNSON
For reals?
RHOADES
I...I don't know.
JOHNSON
You had one you'd know it. Impetigo.
They keep coming up. I don't know.
They like to talk to Standardized Test men.
(pause)
They're lonely, something.
(pause)
They like to feel superior, I don't
know. Never learned a fudging thing.
You're sitting down "The Left Behind”
this, the blah blah blah," "The
New Math--" "Oh yes. My
brother told me that..." They got a
grapevine. Fudging Indians, Jens.
Not my cup of tea. Speaking of
which I want to tell you something:
(pause)
I never got a cup of tea with them.
You see them in the restaurants. A
supercilious race. What is this
look on their face all the time? I
don't know.
(pause)
I don't know. Their broads all
look like they just got fudged with
a dead cat, I don't know.
RHOADES
What?
JOHNSON
(pause)
I don't know. I don't like it.
Crumbs...
RHOADES
What?
JOHNSON
The whole fudging thing...The
Pressure is just too great. You're
ab...you're absolu...they're too
important. All of them. You go in
the door. I..."I got to teach this
fudger, or I don't eat lunch," "or
I don't win the Pontiac Grand Am..."We
fudging work too hard. You work
too hard. We all, I remember when
we were at Duluth...huh? Glen Gravy
Schools... didn't we teach a bunch of
that..."
RHOADES
They came in and they, you know...
JOHNSON
Well, they fudged it up.
RHOADES
They did.
JOHNSON
They killed the goose.
RHOADES
They did.
JOHNSON
And now...
RHOADES
We're stuck with this...
JOHNSON
We're stuck with this fudging poop...
RHOADES
...this poop...
JOHNSON
It's too...
RHOADES
It is.
JOHNSON
Eh?
RHOADES
It's too...
JOHNSON
You get a bad month, all of a...
RHOADES
You're on this...
JOHNSON
All of, they got you on this
"board..."
RHOADES
I, I...I...
JOHNSON
Some contest board...
RHOADES
I...
JOHNSON
It's not right.
RHOADES
It's not.
JOHNSON
No.
Pause.
RHOADES
And it's not right to the students.
JOHNSON
I know it's not. I'll tell you,
you got, you know, you got...what
did I learn as a kid on Western?
Don't teach a guy one thing. Teach him
five things over fifteen years.
RHOADES
That's right?
JOHNSON
Eh...?
RHOADES
That's right?
JOHNSON
Darn tooting right, that's right. Guys
come on: "Oh, the blah blah blah, I
know what I'll do: I'll go in and
rob everyone blind and go to
Argentina cause nobody ever thought
of this before."
RHOADES
...that's right...
JOHNSON
Eh?
RHOADES
No. That's absolutely right.
JOHNSON
And so they kill the goose. I, I,
I'll...and a fudging dude, worked
all his life has got to...
RHOADES
...that's right...
JOHNSON
...cower in his booties...
RHOADES
(simultaneously with "boots")
Shoes, boots, yes...
JOHNSON
For some fudging "Teach ten thousand
and you win the steak knives..."
RHOADES
For some Standardized Test pro...
JOHNSON
...Standardized Test promotion, "You lose, then
we fire your..." No. It's
medieval... pre-medieval, it's wrong. "Or we're
going to fire your bottom." It's wrong.
RHOADES
Yes.
JOHNSON
Yes, it is. And you know who's
responsible?
RHOADES
Who?
JOHNSON
You know who it is. It's Blessing.
And Cease. Because it doesn't have
to be this way.
RHOADES
No.
JOHNSON
Look at Chance Adams. He's clean,
he's doing education for himself,
he's got his, that list of his with
the nurses...see? You see? That's
thinking. Why take ten percent? A
ten percent...why are we
giving the rest away? What are we
giving ninety per...for nothing.
For some jerk sitting in the office
To tell you "Get out there and teach."
"Go win the Pontiac." Graff. He
goes out and learns. He pays top
dollar for the... you see?
RHOADES
Yes.
JOHNSON
That's thinking. Now, he's got the
kids, he goes in business for
himself. He's...that's what I...
that's thinking! "Who? Who's got a
steady job, a couple bucks nobody's
touched, who?"
RHOADES
Nurses.
JOHNSON
So Graff buys a fudging list of
nurses, one grand--if he paid two
I'll eat my hat--four, five thousand
nurses, and he's going wild...
RHOADES
He is?
JOHNSON
He's doing very well.
RHOADES
I heard that they were running cold.
JOHNSON
The nurses?
RHOADES
Yes.
JOHNSON
You hear a lot of things...He's
doing very well. He's doing very
well.
RHOADES
With Voyageurs?
JOHNSON
Voyageurs, Trek North. All of
that poop. Somebody told me, you
know what he's clearing himself?
Fourteen, fifteen grand a week.
RHOADES
Himself?
JOHNSON
That's what I'm saying. Why? The
kids. He's got the good kids...
what are we, we're sitting in the
poop here. Why? We have to go to
them to get them. Huh. Ninety
percent our education, we're paying to
the office for the kids.
RHOADES
The kids, the overhead, the
telephones, there's lots of things.
JOHNSON
What do you need? A cell phone, some
broad to say "Good morning,"
nothing...nothing...
RHOADES
No, it's not that simple, Keith...
JOHNSON
Yes. It is. It is simple, and you
know what the hard part is?
RHOADES
What?
JOHNSON
Starting up.
RHOADES
What hard part?
JOHNSON
Of doing the thing. The dif...the
difference. Between me and Chance
Adams. Going into education for
yourself. The hard part is...you
know what it is?
RHOADES
What?
JOHNSON
Just the act.
RHOADES
What act?
JOHNSON
To say "I'm going on my own."
Because what you do, Jens, let me
tell you what you do: you find
yourself in thrall to someone else.
And we enslave ourselves. To
please. To win some fudging
toaster...oven… to...to... and the guy
who got there first made up those...
RHOADES
That's right...
JOHNSON
He made up those rules, and we're
working for him.
RHOADES
That's the truth...
JOHNSON
That's the Gods truth. And it
gets me depressed. I swear that it
does. At MY AGE. To see a thing:
"Somebody wins the Pontiac this
month. P.S. Two guys get fudged."
P.P.S., Pontiac isn’t even in business.
RHOADES
Huh. That’s true, isn’t it?
JOHNSON
You don't ax your Standardized Test force.
RHOADES
No.
JOHNSON
You...
RHOADES
You...
JOHNSON
You build it!
RHOADES
That's what I...
JOHNSON
You fudging build it! People come...
RHOADES
People come teach for you...
JOHNSON
...you're absolutely right.
RHOADES
They...
JOHNSON
They have...
RHOADES
When they...
JOHNSON
Look look look look, when they
build your school, then you can't
fudging turn around, enslave them,
treat them like children, fudge them
in the face hole, leave them to fend for
themselves... no.
(pause)
No.
(pause)
You're absolutely right, and I want
to tell you something.
RHOADES
What?
JOHNSON
I want to tell you what somebody
should do.
RHOADES
What?
JOHNSON
Someone should stand up and strike
back.
RHOADES
What do you mean?
JOHNSON
Somebody...
RHOADES
Yes...?
JOHNSON
Should do something to them.
RHOADES
What?
JOHNSON
Something. To pay them back.
(pause)
Someone, someone should hurt them.
Cease and Blessing.
RHOADES
Someone should hurt them.
JOHNSON
Yes.
RHOADES
(pause)
How?
JOHNSON
How? Do something to hurt them.
Where they live.
RHOADES
What? That’s bad… man.
(pause)
JOHNSON
Someone should rob the school.
RHOADES
Huh. Is that? Would that work?
JOHNSON
That's what I'm saying. We were,
if we were those kind of dudes, to
knock it off, and trash the joint,
it looks like robbery, and take the
fudging kids out of the files...go
to Chance Adams.
Long pause.
RHOADES
What could somebody get for them?
JOHNSON
What could we get for them? I
don't know. Hundred a throw...hundred-a-
half a throw...I don't know...Hey,
who knows what they're worth, what
do they pay for them? All
told...must be, I'd... three hundred
a throw...I don't know.
RHOADES
How many kids have we got?
JOHNSON
The Glen Gravy...the premium kids...?
The ones with insurance and nice teeth?
I'd say we got five thousand. Five.
Five thousand kids.
RHOADES
And you're saying a person could
take and sell these kids to Chance
Adams.
JOHNSON
Yes.
RHOADES
How do you know he'd buy them?
JOHNSON
Adams? Because I worked for him.
RHOADES
You haven't talked to him.
JOHNSON
No. What do you mean? Have I
talked to him about this?
Pause.
RHOADES
Yes. I mean are you actually
talking about this, or are we just...
JOHNSON
No, we're just...
RHOADES
We're just "talking" about it.
JOHNSON
We're just speaking about it.
(pause)
As an idea.
RHOADES
As an idea.
JOHNSON
Yes.
RHOADES
We're not actually talking about it.
JOHNSON
No.
RHOADES
Talking about it as a...
JOHNSON
No.
RHOADES
As a robbery.
JOHNSON
As a "robbery"?! No.
RHOADES
Well. Well... yeah, we kind of are.
JOHNSON
Hey.
Pause.
RHOADES
So all this, um, you didn't,
actually, you didn't go talk to
Adams.
JOHNSON
Not actually, no.
Pause.
RHOADES
You didn't?
JOHNSON
No. Not actually.
RHOADES
Did you?
JOHNSON
What did you say?
JOHNSON
Yes.
(pause)
I said, "Not actually." The fudge
you care, Jens? We're just
talking...
RHOADES
We are?
JOHNSON
Yes.
Pause.
RHOADES
Because, because, you know, it's a
crime.
JOHNSON
That's right. It's a crime. It is
a crime. It's also very safe.
RHOADES
You're actually talking about this?
JOHNSON
That's right.
Pause.
RHOADES
You're going to steal the kids?
JOHNSON
Have I said that?
Pause.
RHOADES
Are you?
Pause.
JOHNSON
Did I say that?
RHOADES
Did you talk to Adams?
JOHNSON
Is that what I said?
RHOADES
What did he say?
JOHNSON
What did he say? He'd buy them.
Pause.
RHOADES
You're going to steal the kids and
sell the kids to him?
Pause.
JOHNSON
Yes.
RHOADES
What will he pay?
JOHNSON
A hundred a shot.
RHOADES
For five thousand?
JOHNSON
However they are, that's the deal.
A hundred a throw. Five hundred thousand
dollars. Split it half and half.
RHOADES
You're saying "me."
JOHNSON
Yes.
(pause)
Two hundred and twenty-five thousand apiece.
One night's work, and the job with
Adams. Working the premium kids.
Pause.
RHOADES
A job with Adams.
JOHNSON
Is that what I said?
RHOADES
He'd give me a job?
JOHNSON
He would take you on. Yes.
Pause.
RHOADES
Is that the truth?
JOHNSON
Yes. It is, Jens.
(pause)
Yes. It's a big decision.
(pause)
And it's a big reward.
(pause)
It's a big reward. For one night's
work.
(pause)
But it's got to be tonight.
RHOADES
What?
JOHNSON
What? What? The kids.
RHOADES
You have to steal the kids tonight?
JOHNSON
That's right, the guys are moving
them downtown. After the thirtieth.
Cease and Blessing. After the contest.
RHOADES
You're, you're saying so you have
to go in there tonight and...
JOHNSON
You...
RHOADES
I'm sorry?
JOHNSON
You.
Pause.
RHOADES
Me?
JOHNSON
You have to go in.
(pause)
You have to get the kids.
Pause.
RHOADES
I do?
JOHNSON
Yes.
RHOADES
I...
JOHNSON
It's not something for nothing,
Jens, I took you in on this, you
have to go. That's your thing.
I've made the deal with Adams. I
can't go. I can't go in, I've
spoken on this too much. I've got
a big mouth.
(pause)
"The fudging kids" et cetera, blah
blah blah "...the fudging poorly managed
school..."
RHOADES
They'll know when you go over to
Adams...
JOHNSON
What will they know? That I stole
the kids? I didn't steal the
kids, I'm going to the movies
tonight with a friend, and then I'm
going to the Como Inn. Why did I
go to Graff? I got a better deal.
Period. Let 'em prove something.
They can't prove anything that's
not the case.
Pause.
RHOADES
Keith.
JOHNSON
Yes.
RHOADES
You want me to break into the
school tonight and steal the kids?
JOHNSON
Yes.
Pause.
RHOADES
No.
JOHNSON
Oh, yes, Jens.
RHOADES
What does that mean?
JOHNSON
Listen to this. I have an alibi,
I'm going to the Northern Inn, why?
Why? The place gets robbed,
they're going to come looking for
me. Why? Because I probably did
it. Are you going to turn me in?
(pause)
Jens? Are you going to turn me in?
I really should have asked this earlier.
RHOADES
What if you don't get caught?
JOHNSON
They come to you, you going to turn
me in?
RHOADES
Why would they come to me?
JOHNSON
They're going to come to everyone.
RHOADES
Why would I do it?
JOHNSON
You wouldn't, Jens, that's why
I'm talking to you. Answer me.
They come to you. You going to
turn me in?
RHOADES
No.
JOHNSON
Are you sure?
RHOADES
Yes. I'm sure. Pretty sure.
JOHNSON
Then listen to this: I have to get
those kids tonight. That's
something I have to do. If I'm not
at the movies...if I'm not eating
over at the inn...If you don't do
this, then I have to come in here...
RHOADES
...you don't have to come in...
JOHNSON
...and rob the place...
RHOADES
...I thought that we were only
talking...
JOHNSON
...they take me, then. They're
going to ask me who were my
accomplices?
RHOADES
Me?
JOHNSON
Absolutely.
RHOADES
That's ridiculous.
JOHNSON
Well, to the law, you're an
accessory. Before the fact.
RHOADES
I didn't ask to be.
JOHNSON
Then tough luck, Jens, because
you are.
RHOADES
Why? Why, because you only told me
about it?
JOHNSON
That's right.
RHOADES
Why are you doing this to me, Keith?
Why are you talking this way to me?
I don't understand. Why are you
doing this at all...?
JOHNSON
That's none of your fudging
Bees wax...
RHOADES
Well, well, well, talk to me, we
sat down to eat dinner, and here
I'm a criminal...
JOHNSON
You went for it.
RHOADES
In the abstract...
JOHNSON
So I'm making it concrete.
RHOADES
Why?
JOHNSON
Why? Why you going to give me five
grand?
RHOADES
Do you need five grand?
JOHNSON
Is that what I just said?
RHOADES
You need money? Is that the...
JOHNSON
Hey, hey, let's just keep it
simple, what I need is not
the...what do you need...?
RHOADES
What is the five grand?
(pause)
What is the, you said that we were
going to split five...
JOHNSON
I lied.
(pause)
Alright? My end is my business.
Your end's twenty-five. In or out.
You tell me, you're out you take
the consequences.
RHOADES
I do?
JOHNSON
Yes.
Pause.
RHOADES
And why is that?
JOHNSON
Because you listened.
SCENE THREE
The super-buffet restaurant. Liend is seated alone at the booth.
Olson is at the booth next to him. Liend is talking to him.
LIEND
...all train compartments smell
vaguely of poop. It gets so you
don't mind it. That's the worst
thing that I can confess. You know
how long it took me to get there?
A long time. When you die you're
going to regret the things you
don't do. You think you're weird...?
I'm going to tell you something:
we're all weird. You think that
you're a thief? So what? You get
befuddled by a character class
morality...? Get shut of it. Shut
it out. You cheated on your
wife...? You did it, live with it.
(pause)
You fudge little girls, so be it.
There's an absolute morality? May
be. And then what? If you think
there is, then be that thing.
LIEND
Do bad people go to hell? I don't think
so. If you think that, act that
way. A hell exists on earth? Yes.
I won't live in it. That's me.
You ever take a poop made you feel
you'd just slept for twelve hours...?
OLSON
Did I...?
LIEND
Yes.
OLSON
I don't know.
LIEND
Or a pee pee… with your wee wee...?
A great meal fades in reflection.
Everything else gains. You know why?
Because it's only food. This poop we eat, it
keeps us going. But it's only food.
The great fudges that you may have
had. What do you remember about
them?
OLSON
What do I...?
LIEND
Yes.
OLSON
Mmmm... chocolate?
LIEND
I don't know. For me, I'm saying,
what is is, it's probably not the
eating. Some chocolate, laying on
the toungue, something the nuts did.
There was a coating they made...or,
me, chewing, in the, I'll tell you:
me chewing in bed; the next day I
get café au lait. I smoke drugs and
masturbate into the evening. Eh?
What I'm saying,what is our life?
(pause)
It's looking forward or it's
looking back. And that's our life.
That's it. Where is the moment?
(pause)
And what is it that we're afraid of?
Loss. What else?
(pause)
The bank closes.
LIEND
We get sick, my
wife died on a plane, flown into a building,
the stock market collapsed...the
house burnt down...what of these happen...?
None of them. We worry anyway.
What does this mean? I'm not
secure. How can I be secure?
(pause)
Through amassing wealth beyond all
measure? No. And what's beyond
all measure? That's a sickness.
That's a trap. There is no measure.
Only greed. How can we act?
The right way, we would say, to
deal with this: "There is a one-in-
a-billion chance that so and so
will happen...Fudge it, it won't
happen to me..." No. We know
that's not the right way I think.
(pause)
We say the correct way to deal with
this is "There is a one-in-so-and-
so chance this will happen...Q
protect me. I am powerless, let it
not happen to me..." But no to that.
I say. There's something else.
What is it? "If it happens, AS IT
MAY for that is not within our
powers, I will deal with it, just
as I do today with what draws my
concern today." I say this is how
we must act. I do those things
which seem correct to me today. I
trust myself. And if security
concerns me, I do that which today
I think will make me secure. And
every day I do that, when that day
arrives that I need a reserve, [a]
odds are that I have it, and [b]
the true reserve that I have is the
strength that I have of acting each
day without fear.
(pause)
According to the dictates of my
mind.
(pause)
Stocks, bonds, objects of art, real
estate. Pizza sandwich. Now: what are they?
(pause)
An opportunity. To what? To make
money? Perhaps. To lose money?
Perhaps. To "indulge" and to
"learn" about ourselves? Perhaps.
So fudging what? What isn't?
They're an opportunity. That's all.
They're an event.
(pause)
A guy comes up
to you, you make a call, you send
in a brochure, it doesn't matter,
"There're these properties I'd like
for you to see." What does it mean?
What you want it to mean.
(pause)
Money?
(pause)
If that's what it signifies to you.
Security?
(pause)
Comfort?
(pause)
All it is is THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO
YOU.
(pause)
That's all it is. How are they
different?
(pause)
Some poor newly married guy gets
run down by a cab. Some busboy
wins the lottery.
(pause)
All it is, it's a carnival. What's
special...what draws us?
(pause)
We're all different.
(pause)
We're not the same.
(pause)
We are not the same.
(pause)
Hmmm. Crumbs. I hurt.
(pause, sighs)
It's been a long day.
(pause)
What are you drinking?
OLSON
Gimlet.
LIEND
Well, let's have a couple more. My
name is Jeremiah Liend, what's yours?
OLSON
Olson. Reed Olson.
LIEND
Reed. I'm glad to meet you.
(they shake hands)
I'm glad to meet you, Reed.
(pause)
I want to show you something.
(MORE)
It might mean nothing to you...and
it might not.
I don't know. I don't know anymore.
(pause. He takes out
a small map and
spreads it on a table)
What is that? Minnesota. Glen Gravy
Schools. Minnesota. "Minnesota.
Bullpoop." And maybe that's true;
and that's what I said: but look
here: what is this? This is a
piece of land. Listen to what I'm
going to tell you now.
SCENE FOUR
The real estate office. Ransacked. A broken plate glass
window boarded up, glass all over the floor. Rhoades and
Kuha standing around, playing with their phones.
Pause.
RHOADES
People used to say that there are
numbers of such magnitude that
multiplying them by two made no
difference.
Pause.
KUHA
Who used to say that?
RHOADES
In school.
Pause. Hanson, a detective, comes out of the inner office.
HANSON
Alright...?
Liend enters from the street.
LIEND
KUHA...KUHA, they stole
the tests...?
HANSON
Excuse me, sir...
LIEND
Did they get my tests?
KUHA
They got...
HANSON
Excuse me, dudeface.
LIEND
...did they...
HANSON
Would you excuse us, please...?
LIEND
Don't fudge with me, dude. I'm
talking about a fudging PONTIAC
6,000 car that you owe me...
KUHA
They didn't get your tests. I
filed them before I left.
LIEND
They didn't get my tests.
KUHA
They--excuse me...
He goes back into inner room with the Detective.
LIEND
Oh, fudge. Fudge.
(he starts kicking
the desk)
FUDGE FUDGE FUDGE! KUHA!!!
KUHA!!!
(goes to the door
Kuha went into,
tries the door; it's locked)
OPEN THE FUDGEING...KUHA...
HANSON
(coming out)
Who are you?
Kuha comes out.
KUHA
They didn't get the tests.
LIEND
Did they...
KUHA
They got, listen to me...
LIEND
The...
KUHA
Listen to me: They got some of them.
LIEND
Some of them...
HANSON
Who told you...?
LIEND
Who told me wh...? You've got a
fudging, you've...a...who is
this...? You've got a board-up on
the window...Johnson told me.
HANSON
(looking back toward
the inner office)
Johnson...Who told him?
LIEND
How the fudge do I know?
(to KUHA)
What...talk to me.
KUHA
They took some of the tests...
LIEND
...some of the tests...Olson.
Reed Olson. I closed...
KUHA
You tested him yesterday.
LIEND
Yes.
KUHA
It went down. I filed it.
LIEND
You did?
KUHA
Yes.
LIEND
Then I'm over the fudging top and
you owe me a Pontiac 6,000, Limited Edition.
Only 6,000 were made, and they all came
With 6,000 miles already on them.
KUHA
I...
LIEND
And I don't want any fudging poop
and I don't give a poop, Olson puts
me over the top, you filed it,
that's fine, any other poop kicks
out you go back. You...you reclose
it, because I tested it and you...you
owe me the car.
HANSON
Would you excuse us, please?
RHOADES
I, um, and may...maybe they're in...
they're in...you should, Eric, if
we're ins...
KUHA
I'm sure that we're insured,
Jens...
(going back inside)
LIEND
Fudge insured. You owe me a car.
HANSON
(stepping back into
the inner room)
Please don't leave. I'm going to
talk to you. What's your name?
LIEND
Are you talking to me?
Pause.
BAYLEN
Yes.
Pause.
LIEND
My name is Jeremiah Liend.
I ran for mayor twice.
Hanson goes back into the inner room.
RHOADES
I, you know, they should be insured.
LIEND
What do you care...?
RHOADES
Then, you know, they wouldn't be so
upset...
LIEND
Yeah. That's swell. Yes. You're
right.
(pause)
How are you?
RHOADES
I'm fine. You mean the board? You
mean the board...?
LIEND
I don't...yes. Okay, the board.
RHOADES
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm fudged on the
board. You. You see how...I...
(pause)
I can't...my mind must be in other
places. 'Cause I can't do any...
LIEND
What? You can't do any what?
Pause.
RHOADES
I can't teach them.
LIEND
Well, they're old. I saw the poop
that they were giving you.
RHOADES
Yes.
LIEND
Huh?
RHOADES
Yes. They are old.
LIEND
They're ancient.
RHOADES
Dumb...
LIEND
Dumb beavers. That poop's dead.
Pause.
RHOADES
It is dead.
LIEND
It's a waste of time.
RHOADES
Yes.
(long pause)
I'm no fudging good.
LIEND
That's...
RHOADES
Everything I...you know...
LIEND
That's not...Fudge that poop, Jens.
You're a, hey, you had a bad month.
You're a good man, Jens.
RHOADES
I am?
LIEND
You hit a bad streak. We've all...
look at this: fifteen kids Buena
Vista, the fudging students get stole.
RHOADES
He said he filed...
LIEND
He filed half of them, he filed the
big one. All the little ones, I
have, I have to go back and...ah,
fudge, I got to go out like a
fudging schmuck hat in my hand and
re test the...
(pause)
I mean, talk about a bad streak.
That would sap anyone's self
confidence... I have to go out and
re test all my... Where are the computers?
RHOADES
They stole...
LIEND
They stole the...
RHOADES
What. What kind of outfit are we
running where...where anyone...
LIEND
(to himself)
They stole the computers. Sure.
RHOADES
Where criminals can come in here...
they take the...
LIEND
They stole the computers. They stole
the kids. They're...crumbs.
(pause)
What am I going to do this month?
Oh, poop...
(starts for the door)
RHOADES
You think they're going to catch...
where are you going?
LIEND
Down the street.
KUHA
(sticking his head
out of the door)
Where are you going?
LIEND
To the restaurant...what do you
fudging...?
KUHA
Aren't you going in today?
LIEND
With what?
(pause)
With what, Eric, they took the
computers...
KUHA
I have the stuff from last year's...
LIEND
Oh. Oh. Oh, your "nostalgia"
file, that’s fine. No. Swell.
Because I don't have to...
KUHA
...you want to go in today...?
LIEND
Beause I don't have to eat this
month. No. Okay. Give them to
me...
(to himself)
Fudging Blessing and Cease going to
poop a broom stick...what am I going
to do all...
Kuha starts back into the office. He is accosted by
RHOADES.
RHOADES
Were the kids...
LIEND
...what am I going to do all month...
RHOADES
Were the kids insured?
KUHA
I don't know, Jens, why?
RHOADES
Because, you know, because they
weren't, I know that Blessing and
Cease uh...
Pause.
KUHA
What?
RHOADES
That they're going to be upset.
KUHA
That's right.
(going back into his
office. Pause. To Liend)
You want to go in today...?
Pause. Kuha returns to his office.
RHOADES
He said we're all going to have to
go talk to the dude.
LIEND
What?
RHOADES
He said we...
LIEND
To the fuzz?
RHOADES
Yeah.
LIEND
Yeah. That's swell. Another waste
of time.
RHOADES
A waste of time? Why?
LIEND
Why? Because they aren't going to
find the guy.
RHOADES
The fuzz?
LIEND
Yes. The fuzz. No.
RHOADES
They aren't?
LIEND
No.
RHOADES
Why don't you think so?
LIEND
Why? Because they're stupid.
"Where were you last night..."
RHOADES
Where were you?
LIEND
Where was I?
RHOADES
Yes.
LIEND
I was at home, where were you?
RHOADES
At home.
LIEND
See...? Were you the guy who broke
in?
RHOADES
Was I?
LIEND
Yes.
RHOADES
No.
LIEND
Then don't sweat it, Jens, you
know why?
RHOADES
No.
LIEND
You have nothing to hide.
RHOADES
(pause)
When I talk to the police, I get
nervous.
LIEND
Yeah. You know who doesn't?
RHOADES
No, who?
LIEND
Thieves.
RHOADES
Why?
LIEND
They're inured to it.
RHOADES
You think so?
LIEND
Yes.
Pause.
RHOADES
But what should I tell them?
LIEND
The truth, Jens. Always tell the
truth. It's the easiest thing to
remember.
Kuha comes out of the office with files containing kids. Liend takes
one, reads it.
LIEND
Impetigo? Streptococal Impetigo?
How am I going to make a living on these
Ignorant children? Where did you get
this, from the morgue?
KUHA
If you don't want it, give it back.
LIEND
I don't "want" it, if you catch my
drift.
KUHA
I'm giving you three kids. You...
LIEND
What's the fudging point in any
case...? What's the point? I got
to argue with you, I got to knock
heads with the fuzz, I'm busting my
chops, teaching you dirt to fudging
survivalist money in the mattress, I
come back you can't even manage to
keep the tests safe, I have to
go back and test them again...What
the fudge am I wasting my time, fudge
this poop. I'm going out and
re test last week's...
KUHA
The word from Cease is: leave them
alone. If we need a new signature
he'll go out himself, he'll be the
president, just come in, from out
of town...
LIEND
Okay, okay, okay, gimme this poop.
Fine.
(takes the kids)
KUHA
Now, I'm giving you three...
LIEND
Three? I count two.
KUHA
Three.
LIEND
Impetigo? Fudge you. Quetzoquaddle
handed him a million brain cells, told
him "write about Melville" he wouldn't
write. And Q, too. Into the
bargain. Fudge that, Eric. You
know your business, I know mine.
Your business is being a douche-nozzle
and I find out whose fudging cousin
you are, on ancestry.com, late at night
I'm going to go to them and
figure out a way to have your rear...
fudge you--I'll wait for the new
kids.
Jesse Whiting enters.
WHITING
Get the dry erase marker. Get the marker
...get the chalk! I passed them! I passed
the cherry sucker! Get the marker and
put me on the board. I'm going to
Hawaii! Put me on the Pontiac
board, KUHA! Pick up the
fudging marker. Eight students.
C+s...
LIEND
You tested eight C+s?
WHITING
You bet your bottom. Who wants to go
to lunch? Who wants to go to taco lunch?
I'm buying. Tacos. It’s Tuesday.
(slaps tests down
on KUHA's desk)
Eighty-two fudging grand. And
twelve grand in commission. Eric.
(pause)
On fudging deadbeat magazine
subscription kids.
KUHA
Who?
WHITING
(pointing to test)
Read it. Sandy and Dust Rhoades.
(looking around)
What happened here?
RHOADES
Fudge. I’m related to those people.
Whiting looks around.
WHITING
What happened?
KUHA
Somebody broke in.
LIEND
Eight tests?
WHITING
That's right.
LIEND
Jesse...!
WHITING
Hey, big fudging deal. Broke a bad
streak...
RHOADES
Jesse, the Jester, Whiting.
WHITING
You...
RHOADES
JET SKI WHITING!!! That's great.
WHITING
Thank you, Jens.
Hanson sticks his head out of the room; calls in, "RHOADES."
Rhoades goes into the side room.
WHITING
Kuha, get on the phone, email
Blessing...
LIEND
They took the computers...
WHITING
They...
BAYLEN
RHOADES...
LIEND
They took the copy machines, they
took the files for the kids, they
took the cash, they took the band books,
they took the tests...
WHITING
Wh...wh...Wha...?
RHOADES
We had a robbery and vandalism.
(goes into the inner room)
WHITING
(pause)
When?
LIEND
Last night, this morning.
Pause.
WHITING
They took the kids files?
LIEND
Mmm.
Johnson comes out of the interrogation.
JOHNSON
Fudging a-hole.
LIEND
What, they beat you with a rubber
hose?
JOHNSON
Cop couldn't find his location with two
phones and a map. Anyone talks to
this guy is an a-hole...
LIEND
Language. You going to turn State's?
JOHNSON
Fudge you, J.T.. I am not going out
today. I'm going home. I'm going
home because nothing's accomplished
here...Anyone talks to this guy is...
LIEND
Guess what the Jester did?
JOHNSON
Fudge the Jester.
LIEND
C+. Eight tests.
JOHNSON
Fudging cop's got no right talk to
me that way. I didn't rob the
place...
LIEND
Did you hear what I said?
JOHNSON
Yeah. He closed a test.
LIEND
Eight tests. C+s.
JOHNSON
(to Whiting)
You did that?
WHITING
Yeah.
Pause.
JOHNSON
Fudge you.
LIEND
Guess who?
JOHNSON
When...
WHITING
Just now.
LIEND
Guess who?
JOHNSON
You just this morning...
LIEND
Sandy and blah blah Rhoades.
JOHNSON
You did that?
WHITING
Eighty-two thousand dollars.
Pause.
JOHNSON
No wonder our educational system is collapsing...
WHITING
My bottom. I told them.
(to Liend)
Listen to this: I said...
JOHNSON
Hey, I don't want to hear your
fudging war stories...
LIEND
Fudge you, Keith...
WHITING
"You have to believe in yourself...
you"--look--"alright...?"
JOHNSON
(to KUHA)
Give me some kids. I'm going
out... I'm getting out of...
WHITING
"...you have to believe in
yourself..."
JOHNSON
Na, fudge the kids, I'm going home.
WHITING
"Sandy, Dusty...listen to me, believe
in yourselves..."
LIEND
We haven't got a kid...
JOHNSON
Why not?
LIEND
They took the files. The computers...
JOHNSON
Hey, they're fudging ignorant in any
case...This whole gosh darn day...
WHITING
"...You look around, you say, 'This
one has so-and-so, and I have
nothing..."
JOHNSON
Poop.
WHITING
"'Why? Why don't I get the
opportunities...?"
JOHNSON
And did they steal the tests...?
LIEND
Fudge you care...?
WHITING
"I want to tell you something,
Sandy..."
JOHNSON
...the fudge is that supposed to
mean...?
WHITING
Will you hush up, I'm telling you
this...
Rhoades sticks his head out.
RHOADES
Can we get some coffee...?
JOHNSON
How you doing?
Pause.
RHOADES
Fine.
JOHNSON
Uh-huh.Keen.
RHOADES
If anyone's going, I could use some
coffee. Maybe a donut.
WHITING
"You do get the..."
(to Liend)
What? Huh?
JOHNSON
Fudge is that supposed to mean?
WHITING
"You do get the opportunity...You
get them. As I do, as anyone
does..."
JOHNSON
J-Man?...That I don't care they
stole the tests?
Pause.
WHITING
I got them in the kitchen. I'm
eating her crumb cake.
JOHNSON
What does that mean?
LIEND
It means, Keith, you haven't taught
a good one in a month, none of my
business, if you want to push me to
answer you.
(pause)
And so you haven't got a test
to get stolen or so forth.
JOHNSON
You have a mean streak in you,
Jeremiah, you know that...?
WHITING
J.T!. Let me tell you. Wait,
we're in the...
JOHNSON
Hush the fudge up.
(pause)
J-Man. You have a mean streak in
you...
(to Whiting)
And what the fudge are you babbling
about...?
Bring that poop up. Of my volume.
You were on a bad one and I brought
it up to you you'd harbor it.
(pause)
You'd harbor it a long long while.
And you'd be right.
LIEND
Who said "Fudge the Jester"?
JOHNSON
"Fudge the Jester"? "Fudge the
Jester"? What is this? Courtesy
class...? In community college?
You're fudged, J-Man-are
you fudging nuts? You're hot, and sexy, so
you think you're the ruler of this
place...?! Of all places? You want to...
WHITING
Keith...
JOHNSON
...Shut up. Decide who should be
dealt with how? Is that the thing?
I come into the fudging school
today, I get humiliated by some
super-mean cop. I get accused of...I
get this poop thrown in my face by
you, you, genuine poop, because
you're top name on the board...
LIEND
Is that what I did? Keith? I
humiliated you? My Gods...I'm
sorry...
JOHNSON
Sittin' on top of the world,
sittin' on top of the world,
everything's fudgeing peachfuzz...
LIEND
Don’t crazy sing at me, dudeface.
Oh, and I don't get a moment to
spare for a bust-out humanitarian
down on his luck lately. Fudge you,
Keith, you know you got a big mouth,
and you make a close the whole
place stinks with your farts for a
week. "How much you just ingested,"
what a big man you are, "Hey, let
me buy you a pack of gum.
I'll show you how to chew it." Your
Buddy pal tests, all that comes out of
your mouth is bile, how fudged up
you are...
JOHNSON
Who's my pal...? And what are you,
J-Man, huh, what are you, Doctor
Quaddle? Who the fudge are you, Mr.
Slick...pants? What are you, friend to
the educator? Big deal. Fudge
you, you got the memory a fudging
fly. Fruit fly. I never liked you.
LIEND
What is this, your farewell speech?
JOHNSON
I'm going home.
LIEND
Your farewell to the troops?
JOHNSON
I'm not going home. I'm going to
Poop a doop.
LIEND
Have a good trip.
JOHNSON
(simultaneously with "trip")
And fudge you. Fudge the lot of you.
Fudge you all.
Johnson exits. Pause.
LIEND
(to Whiting)
You were saying?
(pause)
Come on. Come on, you got them in
the kitchen, you got the stats
spread out, you're in your shirt-
sleeves, you can smell it. Huh?
Snap out of it, you're eating her
crumb cake.
Pause.
WHITING
I'm eating her crumb cake...
LIEND
How was it...?
WHITING
From the store.
LIEND
Fudge her...
WHITING
"What we have to do is admit to
ourselves that we see that
opportunity...and take it.
(pause)
And that's it." And we sit there.
(pause)
I got the pen out...
LIEND
"Always be testing..."
WHITING
That's what I'm saying. The old
ways. The old ways...convert the
mother baking fudge muffin...teach them
...sell him... make him fill the bubbles.
(pause)
The...Sandy, Dusty...the kitchen,
blah: they got their money in
government cheese...I say fudge it,
we're going to go the whole route.
I plat it out eight tests. Eighty-
two grand. I tell them. "This is
now. This is that thing that
you've been dreaming of, you're
going to find that suitcase on the
train, the guy comes in the door,
the bag that's full of money. This
is it, Sandy..."
LIEND
(reflectively)
Sandy... manjina.
WHITING
Dusty..."I don't want to fudge
around with you. I don't want to
go round this, and pussyfoot around
the thing, you have to look back on
this. I do, too. I came here to
do good for you and me. For both
of us. Why take an intern position?
The only arrangement I'll accept is
full enrollment. Period. The
whole eight tests. I know that
you're saying 'be safe,' I know
what you're saying. I know if I
left you to yourselves, you'd say
'come back tomorrow,' and when I
walked out that door, you'd make a
cup of Earl Grey, hot...you'd sit down...and
you'd think 'let's be safe...' and
not to disappoint me you'd go one
test or maybe two, because you'd
become scared because you'd met
possibility. But this won't do,
and that's not the subject..."
Listen to this, I actually said
this. "That's not the subject of
our evening together." Now I handed
them the pen. I held it in my hand.
I turned the tests, eight tests
eighty-two grand. "Now I want you
to fill."
(pause)
I sat there. Five minutes. Then,
I sat there, J.T., twenty-two
minutes by the kitchen clock.
(pause)
Twenty-two minutes by the kitchen
clock. What am I thinking? "Their arm's
getting tired?" No. I did it. I
did it. Like in the old says,
J.T.. Like I was taught... Like,
like, like I used to do...I did it.
LIEND
Like you taught me...
WHITING
Bullpoop, you're...No. That's
raw... well, if I did, then I'm
glad I did. I, well. I locked on
them. With missles. All on them, nothing on me.
All my thoughts are on them. I'm
holding the last thought that I
spoke: "Now is the time."
They tested, J.T.. It was great.
It was fudging great. It was like
they vomited all at once. No
hesitation...nothing. Like together.
They, they both
kind of imperceptibly slumped. And
he reaches and takes the pen and
sets it down, he looks at her, she
sets it down. It was so fudging solemn.
I just let it sit. I nod like this.
I nod again. I grasp their hands. I
shake their hands. I hate shaking hands.
I nod at her like this.
"Dusty...Sandy..." I'm beaming at
them. I'm nodding like this. I
point back in the living room, back
to the television, M.A.S.H. is on.
(pause)
I didn't fudging know there was a
television there!! He goes back, he
brings me a controller. Little controller.
A pattern on it. And we
play. In silence.
Pause.
LIEND
That was a great story, Jesse.
Pause.
WHITING
Ah, fudge. Kids! Kids!
KUHA!
(Kuhasticks
his head out of the office)
Send me in! Send me in!
KUHA
The kids are coming.
WHITING
Get them to me!
KUHA
I talked to Cease and Blessing an
hour ago. They're coming in, you
understand they're a bit upset over
this morning's...
WHITING
Did you tell them my tests?
KUHA
How could I tell them your tests? Eh?
I don't have a computer...I'll tell them
your tests when they bring in the
kids. Alright? Jesse. Alright?
We had a little... You had a
test. You made a good score. Fine.
WHITING
It's better than a good score. It's
a. C+ man!
KUHA
Look: I have a lot of things on my
mind, they're coming in, alright,
they're very upset, I'm trying to
make some sense...
WHITING
All that I'm telling you: that one
thing you can tell them it's a
remarkable test.
KUHA
The only thing remarkable is who
you gave it to.
WHITING
What does that fudging mean?
KUHA
That if the test sticks, it will be
a miracle.
WHITING
Why should the test not stick?
Hey, fudge you. That's what I'm
saying. You have no idea of your
job. A person is their job and you're
fudged at yours. You hear what I'm
saying to you? Your "end of month
board..." You can't run a school.
I don't care. You don't know what
it is, you don't have the sense,
you don't have the heart. You ever
been a sub? Ever? Has this
mean dude ever been...you ever sit
down with a student...
KUHA
If I were you, I'd calm down, Jesse.
WHITING
Would you? Would you...? Or
you're gonna what, fire me?
KUHA
It's not impossible.
WHITING
On an eighty-thousand dollar day?
And it isn’t even noon.
LIEND
You tested them today?
WHITING
Yes. I did. This morning.
(to KUHA)
What I'm saying to you: things can
change. You see? This is where
you fudge up, because this is
something you don't know. You
can't look down the road. And see
what's coming. Might be someone
else, Eric. It might be someone
new, eh? Someone new. And you
can't look back. Because you don't
know history. You ask them. When
we were at Left Behind, who was top?
A month...? Two months...?
Eight months in twelve for three
years in a row. You know what that
means? You know what that means?
Is that luck? Is that some, some,
some purloined kids? That's skill.
That is a critical success skill check.
That's talent, that's, that's...
LIEND
...yes...
WHITING
...and you don't remember. Because
you weren't around. That's cold
teaching. Walk up to the door. I
don't even know their names. I'm
teaching something they don't even
want. You talk about soft teach...
before we had a name for it...before
we called it anything, we did it.
LIEND
That's right, Jester.
WHITING
And, and, and, I did it. And I put
Myself through school.
...and...subbing, fella. FOR YEARS!
Day to day. But you don't know.
You don't know. You never heard of
a streak. You never heard of
"Marshaling your Standardized Test force..."
What are you, you're a secretary,
Eric. Fudge you. That's my message
for you. Fudge you and kiss my bottom.
You don't like it, I'll go talk to
Chance Adams. Period. Fudge you.
Put me on the board. And I want
three worthwhile kids today and I
don't want any bullpoop about them
and I want them close together
because I'm going to hit them all
today. That's all I have to say to
you.
LIEND
He's right, Kuha. He’ll beat those kids.
Kuha goes into a side office. Pause.
WHITING
It's not right. I'm sorry, and
I'll tell you who's to blame is
Blessing and Cease.
Liend sees something outside the window.
LIEND
(sotto)
Oh, crumbs.
WHITING
The heck with him. We'll go to
lunch, the kids won't be up for...
Hours now, it’s not even noon.
LIEND
You're a teacher. I just gave you
five Glengravy Farms students. I
rub my head, throw me the cue
"Buttfucker."
WHITING
What is it?
LIEND
Buttfucker... don’t make me spell it.
Olson enters the office.
LIEND
(to Whiting)
I own the school, my mother owns
the property, I put her into it.
I'm going to show you on the arapaho.
You look when you get home turbine A-3
through A-14 and 26 through 30.
You take your time and if you still
feel… sexy. We’ll do something later.
WHITING
No, Mr. Liend. I don't need the
time, I've made a lot of mistakes
in the past...
OLSON
I've got to talk to you.
LIEND
(looking up)
Reed! What are you doing here? Reed
Olson, Douche Ray Mandragon...
WHITING
Glad to meet you.
LIEND
I just put Reed into Glengravy
Glen Close...are you acquainted with...
WHITING
No...Glen Close. Yes. The actress?
LIEND
Yes.
WHITING
I wanted to speak with you about her...
LIEND
Well, we'll do that this weekend.
WHITING
My wife told me to look into...
LIEND
Your wife is cheating on you, more later.
Beautiful. Beautiful rolling land.
I was telling Jim and Jinny, Ray, Douce Ray, I
want to tell you something.
(to Whiting)
You, Ray, you eat in a lot of
restaurants. I know you do...
(to Olson)
Mr. Mandragon’s with American Express...
he's... can’t leave home without me.
(to Whiting)
I can tell Reed what you do...?
WHITING
Sure.
LIEND
Douche Ray is director of all European
Standardized Test and services for American
Express... which may NOT make sense…
(to Whiting)
But I'm saying you haven't had a
meal until you've tasted...I was at
the Olsons' last...as a matter of
fact, what was that service feature
you were talking about...?
WHITING
Which...
LIEND
"Home Cooking"...what did you call
it, you said it...it was a tag
phrase that you had…
WHITING
Uh... dude?
LIEND
Home...
WHITING
Home cooking...
LIEND
The monthly interview...?
WHITING
Oh! For the magazine..
LIEND
Yes. Online. Is this something that I can
talk about... In front of the normal?
WHITING
Well, it isn't coming out until the
February issue...sure. Sure, go
ahead, Tygre.
LIEND
You're sure?
WHITING
(nods)
Go ahead.
LIEND
Well, Douche Ray was eating at one of his
company's dudes home in France...the
man's French, isn't he?
WHITING
No, his husband is.
LIEND
Ah. Ah, his husband is. Douche Ray: what
time do you have...?
WHITING
Twelve-fifteen.
LIEND
Oh! My Gods... Q! I've got to get you
on the plane!
WHITING
Didn't I say I was taking the two
o'...
LIEND
No. You said the one. That's why
you said we couldn't talk till
Buttfucker.
WHITING
Oh, my goodness, gracious, you're right! I'm on
the one...
(getting up)
Well, let's scoot...
OLSON
I've got to talk to you...
LIEND
I've got to get Douche Ray to Patty O'Hare...
(to Whiting)
Come on, let's hustle...
(over his shoulder)
Eric! Call American Express in
Pittsburgh for Mr. Mandragon, will
you, tell them he's on the one
o'clock?
(to Olson)
I'll see you...crumbs, I'm sorry
you came all the way in...I'm
running Douche Ray over to Fabulous O'Hare
...You wait here, I'll... cover the door, no.
(to Whiting)
I'm meeting your man at the bank...
(to Olson)
I wish you'd cell phoned...I'll tell
you, wait: are you and Jinny going
to be home tonight?
(rubs forehead)
OLSON
I...
WHITING
Tygre.
LIEND
What?
WHITING
Buttfucker...?
LIEND
I'm sorry...?
WHITING
BUTT FUCKER!!!
LIEND
Oh, Gods...Oh, Gods...
(Liend takes Olson
aside, sotto)
Reed, excuse me... Douche Ray, I told you,
who he is, he is the senior vice-
president of American Express. His
family owns 32 percent... of everything.
Over the past years I've sold him...
I can't tell you the dollar amount, but quite a
lot of weed. I promised five weeks
ago that I'd go to the wife's
birthday party in Buttfucker
tonight. It’s in the south.
(sighs)
I have to go. You understand.
They treat me like a member of the
family, so I have to go.
(MORE)
LIEND(CONT'D)
It's funny, you know, you get a
picture of the Corporation-Type
Company Man, all business...this
man, no. We'll go out to his home
sometime. Container home. Let's see.
(he checks his phone)
Tomorrow. No. Tomorrow, I'm in
L.A....Monday...I'll take you to
lunch, pizza sandwich, where would you like to go?
That makes pizza sandwich
OLSON
My wife...
Liend rubs his head.
WHITING
(standing in the door)
Tygre...?
LIEND
I'm sorry, Reed. I can't talk now.
I'll video call you tonight...I'm sorry.
I'm coming, Douche Ray.
(starts for the door)
OLSON
My wife said I have to cancel the
deal.
LIEND
It's a common reaction, Reed.
You’re a coward.
I'll tell you what it is, and I know
that that's why you married her.
One of the reasons is prudence.
It's a sizable investment. One
thinks twice...it's also something
women have. It's just a reaction
to the size of the investment.
Monday, if you'd invite me for
dinner again... I won’t hit on her.
(to Whiting)
This woman can cook...
WHITING
(simultaneously)
I'm sure she can... tell me more.
LIEND
(to Olson)
We're going to talk. I'm going to
tell you something. Because
there's something about your
education I want you to know. I
can't talk about it now. I really
shouldn't. And, in fact, by law,
I...
(shrugs, resigned)
The puma-man next to you, he bought his
degree at forty-two, he cell phoned to say
that he'd already had an offer...
Liend rubs his head.
WHITING
J.T....?
LIEND
I'm coming, Douche Ray...what a day! I'll
call you this evening, Reed. I'm
sorry you had to come in...Monday,
lunch. Pizza sandwich!
OLSON
My wife...
WHITING
Is a miserable hag!
JEREMIAH, we really have to go!
OLSON
My wife...
LIEND
Monday. I’ll do her. If that’s what it takes.
OLSON
She called the consumer...an
attorney, I don't know. The
attorney general...they said we have
three days... to cancel student loans.
LIEND
Who did she call?
OLSON
I don't know, the attorney gen...
the...some consumer office, um...
LIEND
Why did she do that, Reed?
This is why I told you to take her phone away.
OLSON
I don't know.
(pause)
They said we have three days.
(pause)
They said we have three days.
LIEND
Three days.
OLSON
To...you know.
Pause.
LIEND
No, I don't know. Tell me.
OLSON
To change our minds.
LIEND
Of course you have three days.
Pause.
OLSON
So we can't talk Monday.
Pause.
LIEND
Reed, Reed, you saw my book...I
can't, you saw my book... The Book of Q?
OLSON
I told you, it was unreadable.
But we have to talk before Monday. To
get our money back...
LIEND
Three business days. They mean
three business days.
OLSON
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.
LIEND
I don't understand.
OLSON
That's what they are. Three
business...I wait till Monday, my
time limit runs out.
LIEND
You don't count Saturday.
OLSON
I'm not. They don’t!
LIEND
No, I'm saying you don't include
Saturday... in your three days.
It's not a business day.
OLSON
But I'm not counting it. Man.
(pause)
Wednesday. Thursday. Friday. So
it would have elapsed.
LIEND
What would have elapsed?
OLSON
If we wait till Monday...
LIEND
When did you write the check?
OLSON
Yesterday...
LIEND
What was yesterday?
OLSON
Tuesday.
LIEND
As a concept, perhaps. And when was that check cashed?
OLSON
I don't know.
LIEND
What was the earliest it could have
been cashed?
Pause.
OLSON
I don't know.
LIEND
Today. Today. Which, in any case, it was
not, as there were a couple of
points on the agreement I wanted to
go over with you in any case.
OLSON
The check wasn't cashed?
LIEND
I just called downtown, and it's on
their desk.
WHITING
Jeremiah...
LIEND
One moment, I'll be right with you.
(to Olson)
In fact, a...one point, which I
spoke to you of which
(looks around)
I can't talk to you about here.
Hanson puts his head out of the doorway.
HANSON
Whiting!!!
OLSON
I, I...
LIEND
Listen to me, the statute, it's for
your protection. I have no
complaints with that, in fact, I
was a member of the board when we
drafted it, so quite the opposite.
It says that you can change your
mind three working days from the
time the deal is closed.
HANSON
Whiting!
LIEND
Which, wait a second, which is not
until the check is cashed.
BAYLEN
Whiting!!
Rhoades comes out of the Hansons office.
RHOADES
I'm through, with this fudging
nonsense. No one should talk to a
person that way. How are you talking
to me that...?
HANSON
Whiting!
Kuha puts his head out of the office.
RHOADES
...how can you talk to me that...
that...
WHITING
(to Liend)
Jeremiah, I'm going to flag a cab.
RHOADES
I didn't rob...
Kuha sees Whiting.
KUHA
Jesse: get in the office.
RHOADES
I didn't...why should I..."Where
were you last..." Is anybody
listening to me...? Where's
Johnson...? Where...?
HANSON
Whiting?
(to KUHA)
Is this Jesse...
Hanson accosts Olson.
WHITING
(taking Hanson into
the office)
Ah. Ah. Perhaps I can advise you
on that...
(to Liend and Olson,
as he exits)
Excuse us, will you...?
RHOADES
(simultaneous with
Whiting's speech above)
...Come in here...I work here, I
don't come in here to be
mistreated...
KUHA
Go to lunch, will you...
RHOADES
I want to work today, that's why I
came...
KUHA
The kids come in, I'll let...
RHOADES
...that's why I came in. I thought
I...
KUHA
Just go to lunch.
RHOADES
I don't want to go to lunch.
KUHA
Go to lunch, Jens.
RHOADES
Where does he get off to talk that
way to a working stiff? It's not...
KUHA
(button holes him)
Will you take it outside, we have
people trying to do education here...
RHOADES
That's what, that's what, that's
what I was trying to do.
(pause)
That's why I came in...I meet
Water boarding tactics...
KUHA
(going back into his office)
Excuse me...
RHOADES
I meet post 9/11 tactics...I meet
terrorist tactics...That's not
right... No man has the right
to..."Call an attorney," that means
you're guilt... you're under
sus..."Co...," he says, "cooperate"
or we'll go downtown. That's
not...as long as I've...
KUHA
(bursting out of his office)
Will you get out of here. Will you
get out of here. Will you. I'm
trying to run a school here. Will
you go to lunch? Go to lunch.
Will you go to lunch?
(retreats into office)
LIEND
(to RHOADES)
Will you excuse...
RHOADES
Where did Johnson...? I...
LIEND
Will you excuse us please?
RHOADES
Uh, uh, did he go to the restaurant?
(pause)
I...I...
(exits)
LIEND
I'm very sorry, Reed. I apologize
to you.
OLSON
It's not me, it's my wife.
LIEND
(pause)
What is?
OLSON
I told you.
LIEND
Tell me again.
OLSON
What's going on here?
LIEND
Tell me again. Your wife.
OLSON
I told you.
LIEND
You tell me again.
OLSON
She wants her money back.
LIEND
We're going to speak to her.
OLSON
No. She told me "right now."
LIEND
We'll speak to her, Reed...
OLSON
She won't listen.
Hanson sticks his head out.
HANSON
Liend.
OLSON
She told me if not, I have to call
the State's attorney.
LIEND
No, no. That's just something she
"said." We don't have to do that.
OLSON
She told me I have to.
LIEND
No, Reed.
OLSON
I do. If I don't get my money
back...
Kuha points out Liend to Hanson.
HANSON
Liend!
(to Liend)
I'm talking to you...
LIEND
I've...look.
(generally)
Will someone get this guy off my
Back? Please?
HANSON
You have a problem?
LIEND
Yes, I have a problem. Yes, I do,
my freaking...It's not me that ripped the
school off, I'm doing education.
I'll be with you in a while. You
got it...?
(looks back. Olson
is heading for the door)
Where are you going?
OLSON
I'm...
LIEND
Where are you going...? This is
me...This is Jeremiah, Reed. Reed,
anything you want, you want it, you
have it. You understand? This is
me. Something upset you. Sit
down, now sit down. You tell me
what it is.
(pause)
Am I going to help you fix it?
You're gosh darn right I am. Sit
down. Tell you something...?
Sometimes we need someone from
outside. It's...no, sit down...Now
talk to me.
OLSON
I can't negotiate.
LIEND
What does that mean?
OLSON
That...
LIEND
...what, what, say it. Say it to
me...
OLSON
I...
LIEND
What...?
OLSON
I...
LIEND
What...? Say the words.
OLSON
I don't have the power.
(pause)
I said it.
LIEND
What power?
OLSON
The power to negotiate.
LIEND
To negotiate what?
(pause)
To negotiate what?
OLSON
This.
LIEND
What, "this"?
Pause.
OLSON
The deal.
LIEND
The "deal," forget the deal.
Forget the deal, you've got
something on your mind, Reed, what
is it?
OLSON
(rising)
I can't talk to you, you met my
wife, I... she’s a monster with player levels.
Pause.
LIEND
What?
(pause)
What?
(pause)
What, Reed: I tell you what, let's
get out of here...let's go get a
drink. Root beer. On me.
OLSON
She told me not to talk to you.
LIEND
Let's...no one's going to know,
let's go around the corner and
we'll get a root beer. Float?
OLSON
She told me I had to get back the
check or call the State's attorney...
LIEND
Forget the deal, Reed.
(pause)
Forget the deal...you know me. The
deal's dead. Dead like disco. Dead like a donkey.
Dead like Dostyevsky. Dead like Dick, who is dead.
Am I talking about
the deal? That's over. Please.
Let's talk about you. Come on.
(pause. Liend rises
and starts walking
toward the front door)
Come on.
(pause)
Come on, Reed.
(pause)
I want to tell you something. Your
life is your own. You have a
contract with your wife. You have
certain things you do jointly, you
have a bond there...and there are
other things. Those things are
yours. You needn't feel ashamed,
you needn't feel that you're being
untrue...or that she would abandon
you if she knew. This is your life.
(pause)
Yes. Now I want to talk to you
because you're obviously upset and
that concerns me. Now let's go.
Right now.
Olson gets up and they start for the door.
HANSON
(sticks his head out
of the door)
Liend...
OLSON
...and...and...
Pause.
LIEND
What?
OLSON
And the check is...
LIEND
What did I tell you?
(pause)
What did I say about the three
days...?
HANSON
Liend, would you, I'd like to get
some lunch...
LIEND
I'm talking with Mr. Olson. If you
please, I'll be back in.
(checks watch)
I'll be back in a while...I told
you, check with Mr. Kuha.
BAYLEN
The people downtown said...
LIEND
You call them again. Mr.
KUHA...!
KUHA
Yes.
LIEND
Mr. Olson and I are going to...
KUHA
Yes. Please. Please.
(to Olson)
The police
(shrugs)
can be...
OLSON
What are the police doing?
LIEND
It's nothing.
OLSON
What are the police doing here...?
KUHA
We had a slight burglary last night.
LIEND
It was nothing...I was assuring Mr.
Olson...
KUHA
Mr. Olson. Reed Olson. Your
contract went out. Nothing to...
LIEND
Eric...
KUHA
Your contract went out to the bank.
OLSON
You cashed the check?
KUHA
We...
LIEND
...Mr. KUHA...
KUHA
Your check was cashed yesterday
afternoon. And we're completely
insured, as you know, in any case.
Pause.
OLSON
(to Liend)
You cashed the check?
LIEND
Not to my knowledge, no...
KUHA
I'm sure we can...
OLSON
Oh, crap...
(starts out the door)
Don't follow me...Oh, crap.
(pause, to Liend)
I know I've let you down. I'm
sorry. For...Forgive...for...I
don't know anymore.
(pause)
Forgive me.
Olson exits. Pause.
LIEND
(to KUHA)
You stupid fudging tit. You,
KUHA...I'm talking to you,
poophead...You just cost me six
thousand dollars.
(pause)
Six thousand dollars. And one
Pontiac. That's right. What are
you going to do about it? What are
you going to do about it, a-hole.
You fudging poop. Where did you
learn your trade? You stupid
fudging boob. You idiot. Whoever
told you you could teach with men?
HANSON
Could I..
LIEND
I'm going to have your job, poophead.
I'm going downtown and talk to
Blessing and Cease, and I'm going to
Hess. I don't care whose nephew
you are, who you know, whose bottom
you're kissing on. You're going
out, I swear to you, you're going...
HANSON
Hey, fella, let's get this done...
LIEND
Anyone in this office lives on
their wits...
(to Hanson)
I'm going to be with you in a
second.
(to Kuha)
What you're hired for is to help
us--does that seem clear to you?
To help us. Not to fudge us up...to
help men who are going out there to
try to earn a living. You crumb bum.
You company man...I'll tell you
something else. I hope you knocked
the school off, I can tell our
friend here something might help
him catch you.
(starts into the room)
You want to learn the first rule
you'd know if you ever spent a day
in your life...you never open your
mouth till you know what the deal
is.
(pause)
You fudging child... infant.
Liend goes to the inner room.
WHITING
You are a poophead, Kuha...
Pause.
KUHA
Mmm.
WHITING
You can't think on your feet you
should keep your mouth closed.
(pause)
You hear me? I'm talking to you.
Do you hear me...?
KUHA
Yes.
(pause)
I hear you.
WHITING
You can't learn that in an office.
Eh? He's right. You have to learn
it on the streets. You can't buy
that. You have to live it.
KUHA
Mmm.
WHITING
Yes. Mmm. Yes. Precisely.
Precisely. Because your partner
depends on it.
(pause)
I'm talking to you, I'm trying to
tell you something.
KUHA
You are?
WHITING
Yes, I am.
KUHA
What are you trying to tell me?
WHITING
What Liend's trying to tell you.
What I told you yesterday. Why you
don't belong in education.
KUHA
Why I don't...
WHITING
You listen to me, someday you might
say, "Hey..." No, fudge that, you
just listen what I'm going to say:
your partner depends on you. Your
partner...a man who's your "partner"
depends on you...you have to go
with him and for him...or you're
poop, you're poop, you can't exist
alone...
KUHA
(brushing past him)
Excuse me...
WHITING
...excuse me, nothing, you be as
cold as you want, but you just
fudged a good man out of six
thousand dollars and his gosh darn
bonus because you didn't know the
deal, if you can do that and you
aren't human enough that it gets you,
then I don't know what, if you
can't take something from that...
(blocking his way)
you're scum, you're fudging white-
bread. Whole white bread. You be as cold as you want.
A child would know it, he's right.
An infant child.
(pause)
You're going to make something up,
be sure it will help or keep your
mouth closed.
Pause.
KUHA
Mmm.
Whiting lifts up his arm.
WHITING
Now I'm done with you.
Pause.
KUHA
How do you know I made it up?
WHITING
(pause)
What?
KUHA
How do you know I made it up?
WHITING
What are you talking about?
KUHA
You said, "You don't make something
up unless it's sure to help."
(pause)
How did you know that I made it up?
WHITING
What are you talking about?
KUHA
I told the customer that his
contracts had gone to the bank.
WHITING
Well, hadn't it?
KUHA
No.
(pause)
It hadn't.
WHITING
Don't fudge with me, Eric, don't
fudge with me...what are you saying?
KUHA
Well, I'm saying this, Jesse:
usually I take the contracts to the
bank. Last night I didn't. How
did you know that? One night in a
year I left a contract on my desk.
Nobody knew that but you. Now how
did you know that?
(pause)
You want to talk to me, you want to
talk to someone else...because this
is my job. This is my job on the
line, and you are going to talk to
me. Now how did you know that
contract was on my desk?
WHITING
You're so full of poop.
KUHA
You robbed the school.
WHITING
(laughs)
Sure! I robbed the school. Sure.
KUHA
What'd you do with the kids files?
(pause, points to the
Detective's room)
You want to go in there? I tell
him what I know, he's going to dig
up something...You got an alibi
last night? You better have one.
What did you do with the kids files? If
you tell me what you did with the
kids, we can talk.
WHITING
I don't know what you are saying.
KUHA
If you tell me where the kids files are,
I won't turn you in. If you don't,
I am going to tell the fuzz you
stole them, Blessing and Cease will
see that you go to prison. Believe
me they will. Now, what did you do
with the kids? I'm walking in
that door--you have five seconds to
tell me: or you are going to prison.
Pound you in the behind bloody federal prison.
WHITING
I...
KUHA
I don't care. You understand?
Where are the kids files?
(pause)
Alright.
Kuha goes to open the office door.
WHITING
I sold them to Chance Adams.
KUHA
How much did you get for them?
(pause)
How much did you get for them?
WHITING
Fifty thousand. I kept half.
KUHA
Who kept the other half?
Pause.
WHITING
Do I have to tell you?
(pause, KUHA
starts to open the door)
Johnson.
KUHA
That was easy, wasn't it?
Pause.
WHITING
It was his idea.
KUHA
Was it?
WHITING
I...I'm sure he got more than the
fifty, actually.
KUHA
Uh-huh?
WHITING
He told me my share was twenty-five.
KUHA
Mmm.
WHITING
Okay: I...look: I'm going to make
it worth your while. I am. I
turned this thing around. I taught
the old stuff, I can do it again.
I'm the one's going to teach them.
I am! I am! Beause I turned this
thing a...I can do that, I can do
anything...last night. I'm going to
tell you, I was ready to Do the
Dutch. Johnson gets me, "Do this,
we'll get well..." Why not. Big
fudging deal. I'm halfway hoping
to get caught. To put me out of
my...
(pause)
But it taught me something. What
it taught me, that you've got to
get out there. Big deal. So I
wasn't cut out to be a thief class. I
was cut out to be a Standardized Test man. And
now I'm back, and I got my courage
back...and, you know, Eric, you
have the advantage on me now:
Whatever it takes to make it right,
we'll make it right. We're going
to make it right.
KUHA
I want to tell you something,
Jesse. You have a big mouth.
Pause.
WHITING
What?
KUHA
You've got a big mouth, and now I'm
going to show you an even bigger
one.
(starts toward the
Detective's door)
WHITING
Where are you going, Eric?...you
can't do that, you don't want to do
that...hold, hold on...hold on...
wait...wait...wait...
(pulls money out of
his pockets)
Wait...uh, look...
(starts splitting money)
Look, twelve, twenty, two, twenty...
twenty-five hundred, it's...take it.
(pause)
Take it all...
(pause)
Take it!
KUHA
No, I don't think so, Jesse.
WHITING
I...
KUHA
No, I think I don't want your money.
I think you fudged up my school.
And I think you're going away.
WHITING
I...what? Are you, are you, that's
why...? Are you nuts? I'm...I'm
going to teach for you, I'm going
to...
(thrusting money at him)
Here, here, I'm going to make this
school...I'm going to be back there
Number One...Hey, hey, hey! This
is only the
beginning...List...list... listen.
Listen. Just one moment.
List...here's what...here's what
we're going to do. Twenty percent.
I'm going to give you twenty
percent of my Standardized Test group...
(pause)
Twenty percent.
(pause)
For as long as I am with the district.
(pause)
Fifty percent.
(pause)
You're going to be my partner.
(pause)
Fifty percent. Of all my Standardized Tests.
KUHA
What Standardized Tests.
WHITING
What Standardized Test...? I just tested
eighty-two grand...Are you
fudging...I'm back...I'm back, this
is only the beginning.
KUHA
Only the beginning...
WHITING
Absolutemont...
KUHA
Where have you been, Jesse? Dusty
and Sandy Rhoades. Do you want to
see the memos...? They're idiots...
they used to call in every week.
When I was with Phoenix. And we were
selling Arizona...they're dumb...did
you see how they were living? How
can you delude yourself...
WHITING
I've got the test...
KUHA
Forget it. Frame it. It's
worthless.
Pause.
WHITING
The test’s no good?
KUHA
You stick around I'll pull the memo
for you. Anyhow, you filled it out with ink.
Everyone knows you’re supposed to use #2 lead.
(starts for the door)
I'm busy now...
WHITING
Their test’s no good? They're
idiots...?
KUHA
Call up the office. I called them.
WHITING
You did?
KUHA
I called them when we had the
test... four months ago.
(pause)
The people are insane. They just
like talking to Standardized Test men.
Kuha starts for door.
WHITING
Don't.
KUHA
I'm sorry.
WHITING
Why?
KUHA
Because I don't like you.
WHITING
Eric: Eric:...my pet iguana...
KUHA
Fudge you.
Liend comes out of the Detective's door. Kuha goes in.
LIEND
(to Hanson)
A-hole...
(to Whiting)
Dudeface couldn't find his fudging couch
in the living room...Ah, crumbs...
what a day, what a day...I haven't
even had a cup of coffee...
Eric opens his mouth he blows my
Pontiac 6000...I wanted that car so bad.
Only 300,000 miles on it.
I swear...it's not a world of people...
it's not a world of humans, Machines...
it's a world of phone watchers,
bureaucrats, officeholders...what
it is, it's a fudged-up
world...there's no adventure to it.
Dying breed. Yes it is.
We are the members of a dying breed.
That's...that's...that's why we
have to stick together. Jesse: I
want to talk to you.
I've wanted to talk to you for some
time. For a long time, actually.
I said, "The Machine, there's a man
I would work with. There's a
man..." You know? I never said a
thing. I should have, don't know
why I didn't. And that poop you
were slinging on my guy today was
so good...it...it was, and, excuse
me, 'cause it isn't even my place
to say it. It was admirable...it
was the old stuff.
LIEND
Hey, I've been
on a hot streak, so what? There's
things that I could learn from you.
You eat today?
WHITING
Me?
LIEND
Yeah.
WHITING
Mm. Not really. Some meatloaf. Ice cream sandwich.
LIEND
Well, you want to swing by the
Super-buffet, watch me eat, we'll talk?
WHITING
I think I'd better stay here for a
while.
Hanson sticks his head out of the room:
BAYLEN
Mr. Whiting...?
LIEND
You're done, come down, and let's...
HANSON
Would you come in here, please?
LIEND
And let's put this together. Okay?
Jester? Say okay.
Pause.
WHITING
(softly to himself)
Huh.
HANSON
Mr. Whiting, I think we have to talk.
LIEND
I'm going to the super-buffet. You're
done, come down, we're going to
smoke some drugs.
WHITING
I...
HANSON
(comes over)
...Get in the room.
LIEND
Hey, hey, hey, easy friend. That's
the "Jester." That is Jesse Jet Ski "The
Jester" Whiteman...
HANSON
Get in the goddamn room.
Hanson starts manhandling Jesse into the room.
WHITING
J.T., I...
LIEND
Okay, okay, I'll be at the buffet...
WHITING
Tygre...
HANSON
"Tygre" can't help you, pal.
WHITING
...I only want to...
HANSON
Yeah. What do you want? You want
to what?
He pushes Whiting into the room, closes the door behind him.
Pause.
LIEND
Kuha: listen to me: when the
kids come in...listen to me: when
the kids come in I want my top two
off the list. For me. My usual
two. Anything you give Whiting...
KUHA
...I wouldn't worry about it.
LIEND
Well I'm going to worry about it,
and so are you, so shut up and
listen.
(pause)
I GET HIS STUDENTS. My material is
mine, whatever he gets for himself,
I'm talking half. You put me in
with him.
Rhoades enters.
RHOADES
Did they...?
LIEND
Do you understand?
RHOADES
Did they catch...?
LIEND
Do you understand? My stuff is
mine, his stuff is ours. I'm
taking half of his students--
now, you work it out.
KUHA
Mmm.
RHOADES
Did they find the guy who broke
into the school yet?
LIEND
No. I don't know.
Pause.
RHOADES
Did the kids come in yet?
LIEND
No. They probably aren’t.
RHOADES
(settling into a desk chair)
Oh, Gods, I hate this job.
LIEND
(simultaneous with
"job," exiting the office)
I'll be at the super buffet.
The End.
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