Welcome To Earth! We’re Sorry!
Hey! Hey there, look at all this crazyness!? All the light, and sound, and beeping. I think their HVAC people took the decade off, you know? There’s probably whole cats in the duct work. That is their home, now. We don’t have much time. There’s going to be a woman with a tube, and some measuring, and overall tests, you know? Procedural things. Procedure drives our society, did you know that? No, of course you don’t, how silly of me! Anyhow, this is Earth! We’re so very sorry. We didn’t mean for it to be this dirty and broken. We only, and I can only speak for a pretty small group of people here, we didn’t mean to break the planet. It just happened, you know? And then we all had to turn to cannibalism, and eating a protein derivative of our fecal matter. Because, you know… no bees, right? And then no plants? Right. It’s all very sad. We’re sorry that the majority of our food is human and feces, but desperate times call for desperate measures, you know? Here on Earth we get all the second class feces, which is a real bummer. But the more nutritious scat is skimmed off, and sent to Mars. I know, Mars, right? Some jackhole higherup managed to push this colony up there, before we really had a handle on what was happening here, and they just pushed this colonizing effort, and it was like buying a new car, but instead you are, I guess, in this sort of space trailer home, digging around, and spraying poop coated lichen on stuff. I don’t know, strategically, I guess. Anyhow. We’re going to get you a gas mask just as soon as we can. There are quite a lot of you, today.