@realDonaldTrump

D.J. Trump,

Hey there. It's me, Jeremiah Liend. You don't know me, but I am familiar with you. In fact, I included you as an antagonist in my apocalyptic novel "The Book of Q". You die. Spoiler alert. I am no one of importance.  I didn't have any choice in the matter, but feel very lucky to be born and raised where and how I was, at the headwaters of the Mississippi. Compared to much of the world, I have been given many opportunities. I recognize my privilege. I lived and studied in NYC for a few years starting in 1999, and I used to walk past your monolithic tower on the way to and from class. Somehow, between then and now, I am here, impoverished, a first generation college graduate and graduate researcher, and you are president. The mind reels. This is an open letter, conveyed through my Agent, Dr. Quaddle. I would reference Thomas Paine, but I am much funnier, and you probably don't know who he is. To clarify,  this open letter isn't an attack. This is a measured literary response. It was you who attacked, with your rhetoric, policies, and twitter mind vomit. Attacked my friends, and family. My heritage and nation. I am one of those people who hates the government but loves the nation. Generally when you attack the things I love, I lack the ability to respond. But, that is what this is, Trump. This is me taking the time to give you the full sexy power of distilled and rarefied truth. I will not threaten you, or the office of presidency, or even the ungainly corporate press gang that our government has become. But, I will try to make you cry. I make no excuses for this. You deserve to cry, for the shitty things you've done to people who don't deserve it. I am going to construct this letter in the form of things you have to stop fucking with, in order for me to not place you at the top of my historic list of worst people ever. You're in position to knock down the reigning king, G.W. Bush, whose ungainly cowboy adventure in Iraq and Afghanistan cost millions of lives and trillions of dollars over a decade and a half of unending conflict. The bar has been set pretty high, for ways to fuck up. But you are lining up for the win. Because here's the deal, Trump. You might be a real estate salesman made reality star made president, but I am an artist. A damned good one. I am even on the cusp of claiming a true mastery of interdisciplinary research. And then?

You didn't even write your book, you sad, lazy, stupid idiot. Who hires someone else to write their book for them, and then have the gall to put their name on it? You, I guess. You plebeian swine. It's just one within a whole host of terrible things about you. You're an ugly person, Trump. Not only physically ugly, because you are that, but also personally ugly. Your ugly transcends your physical presence to include the gross things that you say, and do, and apparently believe. You're also a liar, which doesn't help the ugly. Lying was a lot easier before everyone started recording shit, right? But now you can compare two recorded things you say, an see the lie, or something you said recorded in comparison to what you do, and see that  you lie, or any one of the obvious falsehoods you pass off as truth on a compulsive and unhealthy basis, and if you posses even a child's grasp of reality, you can see that you flagrantly lie. Through your teeth, out your ass, and like a rug. People literally get paid to keep track of your lies. See, I don't have to lie, anymore. I did when I was a kid, to look cool, but look at enough corpses and simply living becomes cool enough. I know who I am, and what I am. I know where I came from, and how I've gotten here, and I take responsibility for it all. I don't need lies. My life is an open facebook, and my consistency on issues is a bedrock made plastic by new information and lifelong education. I do not know everything, because there is far too much for any one person to know. However, I know enough to know what is up. In here. My tool is truth, and I am going to use it to whip your ugly ass into the worst parts of history. Oh, we'll both be dead, Trump. But I will make dead look good. My ashes will be fat and sassy as they toast my name. You will die as you lived, the butt of a humorless joke. So, here are the things you can officially stop fucking with, starting today.

Stop fucking with my GLBTQ people, Trump. You stop fucking with them, and enabling their fucking through your neglect and lies. It was the one thing that impressed me about your acceptance speech to the GOP, that you could bring it upon yourself to rise above partisanship and refer to that community as a group of fabulous people. I'm not going to broadly agree with you that every GLBTQ person is universally fabulous, because I've met some A holes. What I will say is that I love many of them, respect most of them, and universally believe that they deserve equal rights under the law. Apparently you do not. You don't want students to have protection from harassment, for one thing. Do you know the suicide rate among our gay youth? It is horrific. Recent studies have shown that it is also impacted by state level measures, such as marriage equality. As it turns out, when you show value for life, people see value in their lives. Who knew? The GLBTQ youth is a vital and endangered component in the future of our nation. In other autocracies and theocracies in our world, homosexuality is prosecuted and punished. For what? There is no legal basis preventing people of the same gender from loving one another. In fact, there is no law whatsoever, that I am aware of, that does anything but present barriers between those who love one another. So, put your little lobotomized helper drone Pence in check, you worthless old fuck. Stop this backpedaling and conversion therapy insanity.  Protect all of your nation, including those whose sexual and gender preference differs from your own. Speaking of genders?

Stop fucking with Women, Trump. Abortion should remain legal, and safe, but you know what stops abortions? Fucking birth control you fucking fuck!!! Why should I have to spell this out for you? I should not. Because apparently, people who do not think critically, believe we should not have sex, except for conception. What fucking puritanical, inane, dark age mentality is that? If you want to stop abortions, you made access to birth control and preventative care free for everyone. What is so hard, to understand about that? This is the fundamental logic that was presented to me in middle school. What part were you not listening to? People don't like abortion. Pro-Choice supporters do not like abortion, they just want to prevent it using logical means. Not leaving it all to Magic Space Dad to work out. Try explaining to a generation of children saturated in unlimited and unavoidably marketed sex that they are not allowed to have any until the state places a stamp of approval on their breeding. Also, stop fucking women more generally, as a notoriously, multiply accused, and self admitted rapist. Grabbing someone by the genitals is sexual assault. If someone grabbed my kid's crotch, I'd start by cutting their hand off, and see where things went from there. I guess it's only true if you believe the victims, right? Probably all those women are being paid since the mid 80s by the same people who put together the Swiftboat team? Probably no reason you need all of those non-disclosure contracts among the 3,500 plus lawsuits you've encountered during your lifetime of fucking people, right? Probably no reason you need teams of private security intimidating victims? You're probably a great boyfriend. But do me a personal favor and stay the fuck 100 yards away from my women, without me having to get the court order. For everyone's safety and convenience. Which is not to say I posses these women, merely protect them. But I, being poor, don't have $30,000,000 a month in security detail. Only rusty swords and panache.

Stop fucking with my Muslim people, Trump. I don't know what the fuck your hang up is, with the followers of Muhammad (blessed be his name). Islam is a religion of peace, as almost all world religions. Inscribed on the hilt of the Prophet Muhammad's (blessed be his name) sword: ‘Forgive him who wrongs you; join him who cuts you off; do good to him who does evil to you, and speak the truth although it be against yourself.’  Did you know that there is an empty crypt next to that of the Prophet, reserved for Jesus for when he comes back?  Take the time to look it up on your phone, you crass ass sniffer. Before the pink eye gets you. There are extremists within every faith in our world, and have been throughout our history. Those who flagrantly choose to ignore the basic tenants of their faith. Jesus told his disciples to love their enemies, but "Christians" in our nation pack firearms designed strictly to kill people. Buddha said to divest ones self from possession and violence, and the game of theological telephone gives us samurai killing selves and others with awesome swords. So. We can see how all people fail to live up to our higher principles. That doesn't mean we should not try, or that those who betray their faiths cannot be branded as the hypocrites they are, or that we should generalize and stereotype a group based on the actions of a few. Anyone can believe any batshit  crazy religion they want to, in America. Officially the United States Constitution declares no preference of crazy, right there in the Bill of Rights. Line one. Read it some time you fucking plebe.

Stop fucking with my Arts, Trump. You know? Art? That thing that allowed you to produce that dumpster fire of a reality TV show? I've never watched it, but I know that, as any production would be, it is peopled with scriptwriters, cinematographers, performers, and make-up artists that have somehow sold the look of a cheese flavored clown. You think civilization progresses without art? Set aside the quantifiable and undeniable force of art as an economic driver, forget the intangible value that it adds to our lives, ignore that art remains the only meaningful yet transient communication with past cultures. WHO IS GOING TO PAINT YOUR GIANT TRUMP PAINTINGS!? You're going to look even worse in them, than you already do, because you will have permanently stunted arts education. TV will be worse. Movies will be more predictable. Cartoons will lack humor. The plays you would never sit through anyway will be more boring for the people who actually bother to go. Your music will be atonal, your sculptures will be disproportionate, and all those buildings you suck foreign dick to construct will look entirely mediocre. What would be the point, of all that dirty multinational bank dick you've sucked, if the end result is that our world is all the uglier as a result?

Stop fucking with our Earth, Trump. You dirty fucking ignorant fascist cock fart. I shouldn't even call you a fascist because you probably can't even spell it. Bannon has to spell it out for you. Political science was obviously not your strong suit, and your success has had to rely pretty heavily on our decaying educational system combining forces with organized white supremacists doing the heavy intellectual lifting. If I had my way we would have another civil war, but instead of playing nice, when the people who don't want slavery win this time, we would ship you all to Arizona and put up a big fucking wall. Like your wall, only effective, and electrified. We would periodically air drop in light beer and firearms and let your good nature do the rest. Because we are all going to die gasping, Trump. You fucking tool box. Climate change is real, it is exponentially worsened by ongoing production of anthropogenic carbon, and that is just one of the many things out to kill all life on our planet. Carbonic acid. Look that up on your phone. It is what results from dumping trillions of tons of carbon into the upper atmosphere for two centuries, and it is responsible for acidifying our oceans. Between acidification and deoxygenation  we will be lucky to make it to the end of the 21st century without needing air tanks to survive. We are actively engaged in an extinction level event. This is not a drill. The corals are all bleached, 70% of all animals have been killed in the last 50 years, and we are consuming forests and meat as if they are an infinite resource. Which they are not.  I don't have the time, or patience, to explain to you why this is all true. Read a book, you know? What the hell did Al Gore tell you? Did he use words too large? Did he not have the graph? Probably loses something without the scissor lift gag.

Stop fucking with our Nation, Trump. Selfish, rich, rapacious white people have been fucking this nation into the ground since we arrived here 500 years ago. Up until that point, the First Peoples of this land had created and managed thriving civilizations for thousands and thousands of years. Imperfect, perhaps, but blessedly ungenocided. The United States is a pirate organization. The Constitution was framed by slave holders who didn't like paying taxes. That doesn't mean that their plan didn't grow and develop into something better. The Bill of Rights was never meant for slaves, or women, or indigenous, but progress has opened doors of opportunity to these groups. We cannot move backwards. Progress is making a better future for our children, ALL OUR CHILDREN, while considering their needs before our own.

You have children, Trump. Why is it you want them to live in this shitty world, where rich people own government, the middle class dies impoverished, and we can't breath the air or drink the water? Your kids will get poisoned, too. Mercury goes in all the fish. Carbon goes into our shared atmosphere. If you dump coal ash in a river, that river will eventually meet with the sea, and we will all end up drinking it. The Tiger will be extinct soon. The Rhino. The Elephant. All gone forever. Into books I hope your grandchildren bother to read. Make the world better, not for me, you narcissistic psychopath. But for them. They are the only genetic code of yours that isn't entirely wasted and corrosive. You probably won't read this. You're too busy fucking us all into the ground. No time to read a scathing Jeremiad! We have to take insurance away from the elderly! Sell the Arctic Circle to Russia. Make sure the footage of getting pissed on by old whores remains suppressed. Among your day to day, you should take the time to have someone read this to you, explain the larger words, and think about these terrifying things. Consider being a better person. It starts with saying you're sorry. For all that shitty bullshit. It starts when you stop the constant lying. It starts when you drop the yoke of petty hate, and lift high the banner of hope. Life is too short, and weird, to hate all day long. Yet here I am, hating your stupid guts. Do better. Be better. Please. We are all out here, angry and sad, just trying not to get nuked. How about you make yourself better, before trying anything with America? Thanks.

Sincerely,

Jeremiah Liend

Saint Paul, Minnesota