Q Report: Doing Drugs

8/7/2029

To Whom It May Concern,

People do drugs. Often, and everywhere, and during every period of development. Some people get created in the womb, taking a variety of drugs, and this has impacts. I myself was exposed to cannabis in utero, and inasmuch as anyone can say on the subject, it is perhaps worth looking into them a little further. Perhaps a tad deeper? Maybe we can explore the subject of drugs, beyond judgement, and presumptions, and just have a good time with it? Because I like to think that my fetal cannabis exposure had a number of impacts, up to and including being cool. So let us all just try to be cool as we unpack this late night time phone report. 

But. Before we can talk about drugs I just want to warn you all that something is coming in 2020. I’ve been meaning to throw down on the qAnon folk for some time, and this one is going to be a doozy. The sort of gobsmacking word porn that titilates and delights the lizard brain of anyone with at least two solid years of higher education in the fine arts. To the trolls it will be like looking at a towering wall of feces, one they will be utterly unable to overcome. From the parapets we will unleash the napalm and that will be the last you never heard of qAnon and their failed t-shirt scheme. No no. Idiots. You don’t get to misappropriate the Q for malign means. We have place set this all through timespace. This was merely an aside. Back to the drugs.

It would be hard to get through life without any drugs and when I say drugs I should specify any biological or chemical compound that can be ingested or injected or enemaed or whatever for a positive benefit. Ibuprofen is my favorite drug. Without question I have done it the most, over my rambling, swashbuckling,  pain ridden existence. After some poor adventuring choices in our early to mid 20s occasionally the damaged nerves cause a searing white hot knife of pain to drive into my back. I kick ball hitches. Once in a while something firm and fast hits me in the face. For that, I go for Ibuprofen. This isn’t an endorsement, I would much prefer other drugs.

I have smoked at least my own weight 10 times over in cannabis. I am no Willie Nelson, but who is? Who could be the living legend and modern day musical drug pioneer that was Willie Nelson? What a treasure, to be so callous eaten by a crocodile at such a young age. How delicious was that alligator, so rich with aged cannabis, and righteous my vengance against it. I still use that luggage, what is left of it (a small rolling bag and matching shaving kit), to travel to the various state executions I am required to attend. Cannabis was made by a genius creator to inspire joy, peace, and hope. It’s not for everyone. Those who don’t like it are not required to take it. I remember living through the age of prohibition, where a large enough bag of cannabis could land you in a penitentiary, sucking nazi dick for premium toilet tissue. These days (after the US monetized and became a global producer) you can buy $10 bales of 12 logs and burn it for heat.

I have consumed some funguses. There are deadly ones out there. There are also really fun ones, as well. Ones that will make you feel a singular and terrifying joy that you ride into an understanding and perception theretofore unknown (but for those fabulous drugs). These drugs belong to a family of drugs that have been consumed over thousands of years. Tens of thousands! Poops, who knows you all!? At LEAST thousands. And for a while, there, some people waged these painful wars over them. Here are these plants and funguses, and these people trying to have a good time cultivating and consuming them, and out of the sky come shock troops armed to the tits with flashbangs and hollow points. Ready to shoot your dog and punch your children if you resist the zip ties.

Sweet Christ on a Cracker Barrel, how did we ever live through those days? The War On Drugs Vs. The Age of Guns for Everyone? Well, many of us didn’t, I guess. I guess there were millions of dead. I guess we piled the corpses up and took pictures with them. I guess we defiled the corpses. I guess we sold the corpses to some lab that then sold the body parts on the street, while they conducted fun activities like sewing a small lady head to a large man body. For the Instagram or whatever? Who knows how they monetize this sick shit anymore? To be entirely honest with you, I only send you this material back in time because I’m still waiting for a $500 trillion dollar check from google. Those fiends owe me, for what they’ve done to me. For their part in what they have allowed to happen, with the drugs.

The thing with drugs is, if you can find something that doesn’t cost you more than $100 a day and is unlikely to incur federal charges, you do that, you know? I have experimented with drugs. That is the term, as I had it explained to me by my middle school health teacher. Not to mention the DARE officers. We dare not mention. Lest they turn their dread gaze towards this inane prose. Experimenting With Drugs. There’s your chapter heading, boys. Go to town. I remember the police officer lighting some weed, so our 5th grade class could know what it smelled like. I knew there was a reason to sit in the front of the class, and there it was. That’s how you learn, kids. You sit right in the front and pay attention to everything. Ask a question as long as it doesn’t make you look like an asshole.

I am a SCIENTIST… and according to my very thorough and comprehensive experimentation over the course of several intensive decades of varying consumption. Drugs are fun and you should probably do some. BUT, and this is key. DO NOT LET IT FUCK UP YOUR LIFE. Bold. Italics. Underlined. There is a trend where once you start doing drugs (which seems like a bad choice) you are enabled to do further bad things. Thus a late night 8 ball of cocaine turns into an early AM bank robbery. Thus a bad batch of heroin leaves us dead on the floor. Thus we orphan our children to the system due to terminal irresponsibility. How do you know if your life is fucked up? Look around you. No. Look further. Further still.

What you see is the future. It calls to you from there, beckoning you onward. Look not backward, gentle drug fiend. Onward we march towards glory everlasting. For here in our future there exists a drug that lets one live forever. Here there is a drug that takes away pain. Here there is a drug to make the blind see, the deaf hear, and the crippled walk again. Here is that glorious drug, but just make sure you have good insurance. Or you die in the street like an old dog.

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