Q Report: COVID Protocols

To: Agents et. all
From: Q
Re: COVID Protocols


Hello All,

It’s me, your friendly neighborhood cyber prophet and fearless secret leader. We have early confirmed reports that COVID has infiltrated our operations. This is to be expected, as a 100 year pandemic was scheduled for this time of the century. In absence of an affordable vaccine we must resort to best practices learned from the Great Decimation of 2020. That tragic lesson cost the planet 1/10th of the population with estimates placing the dead in excess of 700,000,000. We all know our history, so I’m not going to go into great detail about those specific events. Rather I will be reiterating and emphasizing the milestones required to return to normal operations. First, let’s go over the best practices that can help us mitigate the spread.

Cough into your Godsdamned arms. Early 20th century playwright Jeremiah Liend wrote so famously of this practice, only to have it entirely ignored along with the miserably boring plays in which the advice was contained. It remains the easiest and most reliable way of stopping the airborne and contact spreading of disease. All diseases. If you cough into your hands you could just as well rub that mucus and spittle into the eyes of the victims around you. At least then there would be no doubt about who to blame for their infection. But also, don’t do that. I’m just being funny. Ha ha. Cough. Into. Your. Arm. Inner elbow. You cave people.

Wear a mask whenever possible. Mask use is mandatory in public and suggested for any interaction outside of quarantine. The higher the quality of mask the better, but any face covering is better mitigation than none at all. It will keep your wet sneezes and coughing trapped next to your own gross face. Priority will be given to providing masks to medical personnel and essential operators who have regular interaction with others. You will be receiving a Guild Issue Facemask by mail which should replace your Guild Issue Ski Mask for all purposes and until the all clear is issued. Can you believe those 21st century yokels “didn’t like to wear masks”? This one factor is estimated to have caused the majority of transmissions in the 2020 decimation.

Socially Distance. Stay at least 6 feet (2 meters for commies) away from other individuals. If possible, stay much farther away. As far away as you can reasonably be, while still doing whatever it is that is so important to be doing in the middle of a global pandemic. 6 feet is not a standard measurement, it is an estimate of infection range. Err on the side of caution. Imagine airborne virus spittle as a foul cloud around the infected, capable of expanding and spreading around corners. Imagine Pig Pen from Peanuts (if you’re somehow that old) but instead of a cloud of filth it’s a deadly disease. Imagine that some people have much larger globes of disease that float around them. Imagine a virus spittle cloud clinging to your clothes when you get too close. Imagine it getting into your eyes, ears, nose, and throat. Now, carry those images around in your head like an anxiety helmet. As existential protection against this deadly pathogen.

If you feel ill, isolate yourself and seek testing. Those who may have been exposed should also isolate and anyone suspected of infection should seek immediate testing. If testing is somehow unavailable (USA response 2020) then assume you are positive and take steps to seek medical advice and attention. If medical advice and attention is unavailable (in the developing world or USA) then treat yourself. Go online and buy something. Eat that extra scoop of iced cream. Buy that sassy blouse. Because you are about to die the victim of an awful disease.

An “All Clear” notice to return to normal operations will only be issued upon the completion of required milestones, a miraculous intervention, or Total Outbreak. Returning to normal operations in absence of these milestones is to surrender to Total Outbreak which occurs when the entire population has been exposed to the disease. It represents a completely failed response and will result in untold suffering and death. Achievement milestones represent the three pillars of defeating the disease and all resources should be devoted towards their success.   

Milestone 1. Freely available rapid response testing capabilities. These tests include both molecular viral testing (to determine active infection) and antibody testing (to indicate the asymptomatic presence of the disease). Testing should be free, easy, and capable of being performed from a distance. The Guild will initially mail you a testing swab and return kit for every member of your dwelling in order to determine the presence of the disease. Based on this initial test, those who are uninfected will return to distanced operations while asymptomatic carriers will remain quarantined until determined non-contagious. All persons quarantined will be provided with food, toiletries, and survival supplies by delivery to ensure that their needs are met during this period of time.

Milestone 2. 30 day new cases decline. If our response is fast, comprehensive, and effective then new cases of the disease will decline. Eventually this decline will mean that regionally specific treatment and contact tracing will prevent persistent outbreaks. As the resources devoted towards new cases declines, surpluses can be devoted towards rapid response teams capable of total containment and treatment. It is possible that in absence of total milestone fulfillment a partnership of the first two milestones could contain and eliminate the disease.

Milestone 3. Effective Vaccination. Unfortunately the forever patents on COVID vaccines means that we have to develop a new one. We will build on the work of those who initially researched and developed vaccines for COVID 19 before charging one million dollars or more for the treatment. At that time a freakishly broken health care system allowed this sort of piracy and as a result millions died while a select wealthy few became immune. Instead, our efforts to find a cure will be devoted towards a viable, universal, and free vaccine. Wherever possible vaccines will be issued by mail to prevent interim infections by those being treated. Where vaccine by mail is not possible health professionals will be dispatched on location to administer treatment so as to avoid medical facilities becoming ongoing points of contact. Vaccination priority will be given to medical and essential personnel to ensure that operations and medical services can continue unabated.

What a hassle, right? Here we are in the 22nd century, fighting an old timey disease like a bunch of Oregon Trail colonizers. But, it’s important that we do all of these things. Speaking from experience, drowning in your own fluids is a horrible way to die. There is no adventure in it. Not to mention the complications and deaths associated with clotting. This disease is no joke, and even if it doesn’t kill you it can give you a stroke that will leave you sip-sucking your way through the remainder of your pooping-into-a-bag life. The disease can block blood vessels that may require the amputation of limbs. Legs and arms, lost forever, all because you think wearing a mask is a hassle. No. Learning to brush your teeth with your feet because you’ve lost both your arms to disease is a hassle. One that I would rather avoid.

I love you. As my final piece of advice; say it early, and say it often. Oh, I know, I know. I probably don’t even know you personally. How could I? Writing this thing as I am. From the future. But, if you have read this whole thing then you have taken the time to inform yourself. I love you for that and for so many other reasons. Love is our greatest weapon. We are all in this together, kids. It’s Humanity Vs. COVID, to the death, and we are relying on you. I need you to be safe. I need you to be kind. I need you to be patient. You don’t defeat a pandemic overnight or without great effort. It requires everyone doing their part to prevent the spread and mitigate infection, all while maintaining our collective sanity. We have learned our lessons from the past and we will use them to build bridges to a brighter future.

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