Shopping

  

 

 

 

 

Shopping

An Out of the Hat Play

By

Jeremiah Liend

 

 

 

Copyright Jeremiah Liend 2023

This play was written for Out of the Hat produced by Bemidji Community Theater 7/7/2023 based on the following four random elements.

Location: Aisle 5 at the Grocery Store

Object: Great White Shark Fin

First Line: A fart is not an appropriate response to the question.

Actors: 3 Female 2 Male

Shopping

Cast:

Mom: An educated and frustrated parent.

Dad: An eloquent although rude parent.

Grace: A sophisticated and well read 8 year old.

Victoria: A reserved though insane 6 year old.

Arthur: A loose cannon maniac 4 year old.

Setting: 

Lueken’s Village Foods, Aisle 5

Time: 

We are already two hours late

[The stage is empty as we find ourselves in the breakfast food aisle (5) of a grocery store. Enter the family in an ungainly mass. Dad has the shopping cart or basket, Mom is looking at her phone, Grace is reading a Mad magazine, Victoria is chewing gum and trying not to step on cracks, Arthur is careening around in a perpetual attempt at manifesting raw chaos. Mom looks up from her phone and sniffs the air.]

 MOM: A fart is not an appropriate response to the question.

 DAD: You asked what I thought about bran, it seemed like a clear non-verbal message.

 GRACE: You’re gross, dad.

 VICTORIA: Stinky daddy!

 ARTHUR: STINKY DAD!!!

 MOM: Children, please don’t bully your father in public.

 DAD: Thank you.

 MOM: But also you do smell bad; I wish you would shower.

 DAD: A lot of people do.

[Arthur runs off stage.]

 DAD: ARTHUR! Don’t run off where we can’t see you! And he’s gone.

 MOM: This is aisle 5. Section Q. The app says it’s supposed to be here.

 DAD: We’re already two hours late.

 VICTORIA: This is BORING. I’m so bored.

 DAD: That’s not helpful, kid. Not helpful.

[Everyone is waiting for Mom to find a box of cereal, she looks towards the audience, as if the fourth wall were a vast array of breakfast cereals. She is taking a painful amount of time.]

 MOM: This IS aisle 5… Section Q…

 DAD: Can’t we just get any one of these other more edible cereals?

 MOM: It’s a coupon through the app.

 VICTORIA: I’m BORED!

 GRACE: SHUT UP! We know!

[Arthur returns with a weird thing.]

 DAD: Arthur! What is that!?

 ARTHUR: I don’t know, can we buy it?

 DAD: No! No, put it back! We don’t need that. I don’t even know if we CAN buy it.

 GRACE: Can I get something, Dad?

 DAD: No! No, we aren’t getting things. We’re just here for your mother’s awful cereal and ketchup for the party.

 MOM: Aisle 5!!! Stupid app.

 ARTHUR: Please, Dad?

 DAD: No. No way. Put it back.

[Arthur is devastated and walks away bawling at the top of his lungs.]

 GRACE: I hope they aren’t waiting for us to eat.

 VICTORIA: Mom, can I get cotton candy?

 MOM: No.

 VICTORIA: It’s on sale.

 MOM: OK, fine.

 DAD: She’s really got you figured out.

 MOM: I wish you wouldn’t call my breakfast cereal awful.

 DAD: I wish your cereal didn’t taste like mechanically separated tree bark.

 GRACE: I wish for a bichon frisé.

 VICTORIA: I wish for this cotton candy!!!

 MOM: Just help me look, the app says there’s one left. Kashi Maxbran Wheatlent.

 DAD: I dunno. I feel like there’s such a thing as too much fiber? I worry.

 MOM: I could use a lot less of your sass and a lot more of your looking for this cereal.

[The whole family is looking for the cereal now, to varying degrees of success.]

 DAD: Two hours late. All the food is cold or gone.

[Enter Arthur with a grenadine filled water gun.]

 ARTHUR: GOT YOU!!!

 DAD: AH!

 GRACE: STOP IT ARTHUR!!!

 MOM: What the heck!?

 VICTORIA: THE COTTON CANDY!?

 ARTHUR: GOT YOU!!

 DAD: Why is this red? Is this blood? Arthur, did you fill a water gun with blood again?!

 ARTHUR: It’s grenadine!!!

 MOM: Why would you put grenadine in a water gun!? Now we have to pay for these things! AND we’re all sticky!? Go get the packaging so we can pay for this!

 ARTHUR: Yay!!!

[Exit Arthur in search of his packaging. Mom is reaching a breaking point.]

 MOM: Girls, help me find someone. Someone, anyone who can help us.

[No one is being helpful.]

 DAD: It’s a holiday weekend, everyone is at home or working up front.

 VICTORIA: Let’s GOOO!!!

 MOM: Hello!? Hello!! I need help finding the Wheatlent Kashi!? HellO!?!

[Mom is yelling at the audience, then seems embarrassed.]

 MOM: Sorry! Sorry. They don’t work here. Crumbs.

 GRACE: Come on Mom, let’s go!

 MOM: NO ONE IS HELPING ME FIND THIS CEREAL!?

 VICTORIA: I’ll help, Mom.

 MOM: Thank you! Thanks. This is why I prefer to shop alone.

 DAD: We all prefer it.

 MOM: Did you fart again?

 DAD: I ate 6 hot dogs for breakfast.

 GRACE: You need help, Dad.

 DAD: I know… I know I do.

[Enter Arthur with a Great White Shark Fin. Everyone yells in shock and/or disgust.]

 MOM: Arthur, where did you GET that!?

 ARTHUR: Seafood aisle!

 GRACE: That’s a Great White Shark Fin. Shark fin hunting is illegal! Through maritime law!?

 DAD: You’re right, kid. But also, where did the squirt gun go?

 MOM: Arthur, that looks expensive, please put it back.

 GRACE: But it’s a black market good, Mom!? We should call the police!?

 MOM: They’re so busy. Maybe it’s soy? Like the soy turkey we get for our vegetarian friends on Thanksgiving?

 DAD: Arthur, don’t put it in your mouth!

 ARTHUR: Tastes sharp!

 VICTORIA: WHY ISN’T ANYONE LISTENING TO ME!!?

 MOM: Were you saying something?

 VICTORIA: … no.

 DAD: We’ve got to go! We are now two and a half hours late, people have probably gone home already. They have been barbequing hamburgers and hot dogs this whole time without any ketchup. It’s a madhouse. Help me out here!?

 MOM: Fine.

[Mom grabs a cereal box and Grace immediately screams.]

 DAD: Oh my sweet lord, what!?

 GRACE: Strawberries!?!?

[Everyone remembers the strawberry aversion.]

 MOM: Oh crap.

 GRACE: GET THEM AWAY!!!

 ARTHUR: Look at this!?!

[Arthur throws the shark fin like a discus at something expensive.]

 MOM: WHY!?

[Arthur smiles wide and prepares to flee.]

 ARTHUR: YOU’LL NEVER CATCH ME!!!

 DAD: No NO PLEASE DON’T RUN!!!

[Arthur flees.]

 VICTORIA: I FOUND THE CEREAL!

 MOM: Grace, go tackle your brother before he runs into traffic, Victoria let me see.

 GRACE: ARTHUR!!!!

[Grace charges off after Arthur.]

 DAD: Is that it?

 MOM: Yeah, but it’s 16 ounces instead of 18…

[Arthur and Grace both scream down the aisle in a circle and then off again. Pinter pause.]

 MOM: It’s OK.

 VICTORIA: Why is shopping always so BOOOOORing!?

[Victoria lays down.]

 DAD: Life is boring, kid. Get used to it. Please get up.

 MOM: Let’s go! LET’S GO! We’re so late!? Get up!

 DAD: Go go go!!!

 VICTORIA: I’m so tired. You have to carry me.

 DAD: I’m not going to carry you, you’re a big girl. 

 VICTORIA: My legs hurt. 

 MOM: We have ice packs in the van. 

 VICTORIA: My head hurts. 

 DAD: We have medicine in the van. 

 VICTORIA: I’m hungry.

 MOM: There are snacks in the van.

 DAD: We are going to eat!

 VICTORIA: I’M BORED!!!

 MOM: We will let you watch blue light on the way there, just get your butt in the van!

 VICTORIA: … OK FINE!

[Victoria reluctantly gets up.]

 DAD: Besides, I just released some vaporized hot dogs, we all need to get out of here.

 MOM: RUUUUUN!!!

[All exit screaming.]

[Fin.]