The Night Before X-Mas

 

It’s the night before X-Mas and all through the house

Comes last minute wrapping of my stressed out spouse;

The stocking pre-packed with a big candy thrill, 

Just in case old St. Nicholas should fly into a hill;

The kids were all cozy in their blankets and beds;

While dreams of blue light played out in their heads;

With Ruth in her PJs and I without pant, 

We finally collapsed for a brief winter nap,

When out on the lawn I heard such a squeal,

I leapt into my shoes to see what was the deal?

To the patio doors I ran fast like a boar, 

Threw open the lock and then opened the door.

The full moon on the boob of the fresh fallen snow,

Gave the glow of high noon to objects below,

When what to my wearied old eyes should appear, 

But a tiny little sleigh and nine tired reindeer, 

With a manic old driver so jolly and slick, 

I knew in a moment that it must be St. Nick.

The deer out in front cast a glow from their nose, 

Casting a reddish hue as if seen through a rose, 

Faster than giant eagles downward they flew, 

And their names he recited as if on cue, 

“Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet, on Cupid, on Donder, and Blitzen!

Guide us Rudolph with your glowing face,

You are the leader of this annual race!

To the front of the deck! Along the north side!

We’ll hug the south tree line, 10 degrees wide!”

As trash before a great storm scatters, 

While people cling to stuff that matters, 

So to the front lawn the reindeer flew,

With a sleigh of stuff and St. Nick too -

Then in a while I heard near the deck, 

The pawing of hooves and thrashing of necks.

Before I could manage a quick ‘Merry Christmas’, 

St. Nicholas was inside and down to business.

He was dressed in fleece from top to boot, 

Everything covered in paper, glitter, and soot;

A huge bag of stuff he had ready at hand,

He looked like the mascot of some cool band.

His eyes- how they glistened! His faceholes- how awesome!

His lips as red flowers, his cheeks like sweet blossoms!

His pretty little mouth seemed fully unchapped, 

He seemed fresh as a daisy who had just napped.

He took out a pipe to smoke some drugs,

But I asked him to stop, because of the rugs.

He had a wide face and a fat sassy tummy, 

It bounced when he laughed at this something funny. 

He was tubby and round, like a big red globe,

I laughed and made fun while closing my robe;

A look in his eye and the bend of his head

Made me hope that I had nothing to dread?

He spoke not a word which was kind of weird,

He arranged all his stuff while petting his beard,

Putting it next to the stockings while noting their load,

He then smiled, milk and cookied, and then hit the road;

He jumped in the sleigh, to the deer gave a shout, 

They flew to the sky and vectored towards out.

Yet I heard him scream out, ere he flew out of sight - 

“Merry X-Mas to all, and to all a good night!”