Trump Derangement Syndrome & You!
Trump Derangement Syndrome & You!
A Medical Guide to Navigating the Modern Era by Dr. Quaddle DDS
Introduction: Are You Sick, or Just Paying Attention?
Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you may already be suffering from a condition known as Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS). But fear not! This completely rational guide will help you navigate the labyrinth of symptoms, identify the root cause of your persistent malaise, and, most importantly, cope with the undeniable fact that the world you thought you lived in was merely an illusion.
Chapter One: Understanding TDS—A Deeply Scientific Diagnosis
Trump Derangement Syndrome is a neurological disorder first discovered in 2016 when otherwise healthy individuals began experiencing abnormal spikes in blood pressure whenever exposed to news, tweets, or unfiltered reality. Unlike traditional psychological disorders, TDS is unique in that its symptoms seem to worsen with exposure to fact-based journalism, common sense, and empathy.
Common Symptoms Include:
Chronic Headaches: Often triggered by international betrayals, such as suggesting to "level Gaza" or aligning with Russia against Ukraine. Note: These headaches may be mistaken for a belief in honor, human rights, or reality itself.
Spontaneous Yelling at Inanimate Objects: Commonly occurs when watching the news, scrolling through social media, or encountering bumper stickers featuring eagles, flags, and grammatically incorrect slogans.
Generalized Anxiety Over Concentration Camps: A clear symptom of irrational emotional attachment to human rights and a misplaced belief that atrocities should be, if not prevented, at least acknowledged as bad.
A Persistent Feeling That Your Retirement and Health Insurance Might Vanish Overnight: Due to an outdated and dangerously naïve faith in financial planning, social contracts, and the existence of stable institutions.
Chapter Two: The Science Behind It—Your Brain on Reality
The human brain, when exposed to repeated assaults on logic, decency, and the fabric of civilization itself, enters a heightened state of panic. The frontal lobe, responsible for rational thought, begins to overheat, much like an old Windows XP computer attempting to render a 4K video.
Why Some People Are Immune to TDS:
Certain individuals show no signs of distress when exposed to the same stimuli that trigger TDS in others. These people have evolved a highly adaptive survival mechanism known as willful ignorance, which allows them to experience blissful detachment, no matter the atrocity. Scientists have found that this adaptation is correlated with higher levels of "owning the libs" dopamine surges and a complete lack of moral burden.
Chapter Three: Is There a Cure? (Spoiler: No.)
Many have sought treatment for TDS, but current research indicates that the only true cure is mass amnesia or a full-scale lobotomy. Since these options are not yet widely available to the general public (though legislation is pending), alternative coping strategies must be explored.
Treatment Options:
Denial: A time-tested remedy that allows you to function as though everything is fine. Side effects include increased tolerance for war crimes and the ability to laugh while watching the world burn.
Doomscrolling: A controversial form of exposure therapy where the patient floods their system with even worse news in the hope that total despair will eventually numb the pain.
Over-committing to Political Activism: A high-risk, high-reward method that may temporarily alleviate symptoms but frequently leads to burnout, existential dread, and angry letters to your representatives.
Chapter Four: Living with TDS—A Survival Guide
Since there is no known cure, sufferers must focus on managing symptoms. Below are some tips to help navigate daily life:
Avoid News Cycles Before Bed: Nothing says “good night’s sleep” like learning your government just voted against food aid for starving children.
Invest in a Good Stress Ball: Preferably one shaped like the Constitution, which you can squeeze every time it's blatantly disregarded.
Practice Deep Breathing Techniques: Inhale… Exhale… Pretend you live in Canada.
Surround Yourself with Like-Minded Individuals: Misery loves company, and shared trauma creates strong bonds.
Consider Screaming into the Void: Experts agree it won't change anything, but it feels productive.
Final Chapter: Cope.
In conclusion, the world is a chaotic and deeply unserious place. Your discomfort, depression, and moral outrage are merely side effects of possessing a conscience and a functioning frontal lobe. Congratulations! You are not deranged. You are, in fact, still human.
That said, please remember the golden rule of modern survival: Cope.
Because, at the end of the day, there are only two choices: you can either scream into the abyss, or you can make peace with the absurdity.
The choice is yours.
Q Reports: Informing, diagnosing, and despairing—one deranged reader at a time.
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