Ruined Pizza Theory

The Ruined Pizza Theory (A Model of Modern Politics)

Let me introduce you to Ruined Pizza Theory, as it applies to political platforms and messaging.

First, look at this nerd and his campaign platform. Look at that big damned thing.

Just scroll. Keep scrolling.

Look at all that stuff.

It’s a comprehensive platform. Thoughtful. Detailed. Exhaustive. Every issue carefully addressed, every plank lovingly polished. It’s the kind of thing political science professors get hard over.

Now, let's imagine each plank is a pizza topping.

Everyone understands pizza, that’s why it's helpful in explaining concepts.

If we’re ordering a one-topping pizza, and I ask a group of people what they want, the answers are going to cluster around the same handful of popular options. Pepperoni. Sausage. Extra cheese. You might get a wildcard like mushrooms, but nobody’s shouting for anchovies on the first pass.

That’s politics at its most functional. Broad appeal. Low friction. Something we can mostly agree on.

But then someone says, “Hey, there’s a deal, I've got a coupon for three toppings.”

Now things start to unravel.

Zak is a vegetarian parading as a vegan, so can we do half cheese?

I can’t stand sausage, so how about green olives on the other half?

Nick hates green olives.

Someone else is gluten-free.

Someone else read a blog post in 2014 and now won’t eat nightshades.

Suddenly, we are no longer ordering pizza.

We are sharing prejudices.

This is the heart of Ruined Pizza Theory:

You can have 11 great, progressive, thoughtful, well-researched toppings on your pizza, but if topping number 12 is something someone hates, the pizza is ruined.

Not “I’ll pick it off.”

Not “I still like the rest.”

Ruined.

Because we live in the age of the one-issue voter, where a single ingredient invalidates the entire meal. One plank becomes the lens through which all others are judged. The voter doesn’t bother to taste the pizza, they read the ingredient list and walk away.

The uncomfortable conclusion:

The more toppings you add, the more chances you give someone to say no.

That doesn’t mean issues don’t matter. It means priority matters. A platform should be small, focused, and universal, not because people are stupid, but because coalition-building is fragile.

If you try to make a pizza that includes everyone, you will make a pizza that no one eats.

Then you’ll stand there, staring at a beautiful, fully loaded, untouched pie, wondering why nobody showed up to the party.