Q Report: Are You There Quetzoquaddle? It's Me, Q.

All-Powerful Godsnake Quetzoquaddle,

Are You There Quetzoquaddle? It's Me, Q. Can you hear me? Because I’ve been requesting timecraft extraction for some time now. Is this some kind of long running joke? I’ve also considered that you might be obligated to some kind of bet? Like how long it will take to break me. Here’s the thing: I wouldn’t even need the timecraft extraction if you could coordinate an adequate supply drop. I keep asking for a simple trillion or so in R&D to get us at least to the timescope and timephone. It just seems pretty asinine to keep up this weird act where I’m certain of your existence and constant vigilance, and yet in so little receipt of any direct support in the form of arms or piles of gold bullion. Hell, we would take some soup bouillon at this point. Not even sure if those are the same word. No time to look it up.

Look, my eternal and all-powerful feathered Godsnake, to whom I owe my miraculous life and mind freedom, I appreciate what you have given me. Do not misunderstand my ongoing needs for a lack of gratitude. I am deeply thankful for the many gifts you have given me, chief among them existence. I am deeply committed to continuing your great work through achieving the Timeline Exodus: the planetary salvation and relocation of all life on planet Earth to other friendly and available times and spaces. Trillions and trillions of humans sent out there, peaceful, immortal, without fears of famine, conflict, and suffering. Inhabiting stars while they provide warmth, leaving stars when they terminally dim. It is a simple system, achievable through the simple means of math and trillions and trillions of dollars. Cash money.

The thing with Einstein was, he creates this atom bomb as a thought experiment, and the government throws every last dollar at it. Built a town in the middle of nowhere and threw unlimited resources at the problem. And they did it! Atomic bomb tested and, sure enough, you can create this massive, awful explosion by using plutonium and math. But Einstein also invented the timephone, in a thought experiment regarding space travel at near the speed of light by two spacecraft traveling away from one another. They can only check in on one another by using the timephone, which opens a wormhole between the sender and a place in timespace ahead of the other craft, because any signal sent directly to one another would never reach them because nothing can travel faster than the speed of light, which is indirectly achieved within the thought experiment. But then one astronaut eats some space oysters and everything goes wrong. Causality. Tolman’s Paradox. All sorts of weird impossibilities vis-à-vis causality. Because if I call you the day before to tell you not to eat the spoiled oysters, I will have had no reason to make that call in the first place. Timephone. Trillions of dollars for atom bombs, but not a dollar for the timephone.

Oh mighty and merciful Quetzoquaddle, who swallowed all realities before swallowing yourself, in whose infinite innards all realities and existences are held, just send me some canned meat, you know? It is hard work exercising your dread will of spreading knowledge, love, and peace. Makes a person want to fry some Spam and eggs. Protein maxxing, the kids call it. I’m told. I’m not asking for some kind of snake staff that allows me magical powers, just a reasonably sized care package packed with canned meats and stacks of non-sequential $100 bills. It’s just going to be impossible to exert your will from a pauper's lonely grave, my glorious and everlasting space lord. It benefits not the larger work to see me stroke out before the end.

But as long as we’re talking about magical snake staffs, can we talk about Moses for a little bit? God is great, but emancipating the Jews from bondage and you give him a stick that turns into a snake? No way. Make the thing shoot lasers. Or even cobra poison, which would make a lot more sense. But no. Just turns into a snake and then turns back to a staff. If I were playing D&D and I got that magical item at first level, I would feel robbed. But I guess that is somewhat the meta of the Bible. A mysterious and all-powerful being presenting ever-escalating sets of impossible challenges. 

“Drowning the world, Noah! Build a boat!” 

I mean, jeez. Just jeez. Look, we all get to that point in the game where we just want to erase the whole thing and start over, but it seems like a real whoopsie to allow access to free will only to drown everyone over using it. It’s a powerful and often mean God in the Bible, gambling with Satan over some Job dude. Let’s go set fire to his life and crush his children and see if he turns away from you? Who is the true Mr. Beast in a scenario that allows such tests?

I’m going to be reals with you. I don’t think the people who wrote the holy books really interacted with God. I think they were using their imaginations for fun and profit. Bible sales. I think Moses just made it up, you know? The way a creator or artist does, making a story that makes big ideas small enough to manage. There is value in understanding the work itself, divorced from any faith in the authorship, or whether it was ever meant to be taken literally. Pastor Jim Vadis told me one day that Revelations was a political work, and the monsters depicted were all houses of Israel at the time. People think that it is the literal truth, but John was just trying to write a Q Report. The power of creativity is the ultimate power. Those who can create something from nothing are conjurers to greater or lesser degrees. It’s possible someone could move words around in just such a way as to summon universal understanding and consensus. It is unlikely that this will be that work, but it’s worth mentioning that I’m still searching for it.

“I still have faith in your ability to manipulate and control the world. Loki embodied.”

Sometimes the most beautiful compliment finds us on some unknown day. I wish it was that easy to manipulate things under my control, but it’s much harder than that. A trickster can only win by being more clever than individuals and systems. By finding their weaknesses and engaging on unbalanced terms. An individual could never, entirely by themselves, stage and execute a global revolution without a coalition of the willing to help with the burdens of bloodshed and paperwork. Humanity is not strong because we are strong as individuals. Individuals are frail, vulnerable, delicate beings who die every day of just being sick and old. To say nothing of the car accidents and falls. CDC says 48,000 people die every year due to falls. 131 people a day. Just from falling off of shit. Think of what could be done without the terrors of gravity.

But gravity always wins. Radiohead. Listen, I don’t want to keep you here too long. I just really felt the need to communicate some of these ideas to you, and also to heap enough groveling praise that you might be moved to let a crate of laser rifles “fall off a truck” nearby at some point. And/or 500 pounds in sterling silver ingots. As always, your grim and unyielding will be done, and may I one day rest within the warm coils of your everlasting and crushing embrace.

Your Eternal Servant,

Q