Mr. President; The Exit Strategy

Dearest President Bush,

Everyone seems to be looking for the ultimate exit strategy. There is an ever growing populace of level headed people who are tired of flag draped coffins returning to the states for no tangible reason. A war began with a lie should at the least end with a semblance of truth; American lives are worth more than sand and oil. But how to get out? That's the question.

Democrats don't have a plan. Republicans don't want to admit it, but they don't have a plan either. George, you sure as fuck have no clue what you're doing because I'm fairly certain my youngest brother could beat you at Risk. So here's the plan stud. I've got it down to a science. Been thinking about it since I knew we were going. It's a multi-phase plan as devious as it is brilliant.

Step 1; Gather our forces. This will involve finding our troops in and around the nation of Iraq and getting them to a staging area, in this case, an airport and/or seaport.

Step 2; Put them on planes. We've got plenty. We can certainly use helicopters. Not all of our forces will return by air of course. We've also got ships.

Step 3; Bring them home. Send them back to their wives, families, children and pets. Provide them with ticker tape parades. Laud them for their bravery and courage in the face of the most ill-motivated invasion of this new millennia.

Blam. Three steps and we're out. It will take a few weeks. There will be some consequences for our new found brothers and sisters in Iraq. There will be chaos because political revolution does this. People will die. I fail to see how the children referred to as 'collateral' while we were bombing the living hell out of the country are suddenly of dire concern to us, but I can assure you that in the end, they will thank us.

Rebuilding? Sure. I'm all about that. They need water, food, power, and all the amenities that come with freedom, democracy, and a bright new American-Free Iraq. We can let the world do that. They will do so for pennies on the dollar if they are assured that they are not going to be kidnapped or bombed, and with us gone? Odds of their safety sky rocket. They are not a poor country. They have quite a bit of oil that I'm sure you'd like to buy off them. We'll send them a fruit basket for Ramadan and keep track of how their kids are doing in school. If they've got questions about how to run a country you can forward them your e-mail [maybe you'll respond to the Prime Minister with more speed than myself].

Meanwhile? We invest the money we would be spending on a fruitless war of attrition on things like...oh...your disabled veterans how about? For starters. Maybe give back some of the benefits that you raped out of them while they were overseas? Maybe offer their children health care and the chance at an education? Maybe give them the combat pay they should have coming to them for being in a perpetual red zone despite the victory being declared before we even hung the bad guy.

Was their struggle in vain? Not even by the criteria of it's insane progenitor [I'm gonna make you break the spine on your dictionary George]. We found out that no; in fact there are no weapons of mass destruction. Nope. None of those. Check. Did we find the evil-doer and smoke him out of his hole? Yes. Quite literally. Done smoked Saddam out good. Like the vermin he was. Did we bring him to justice? Well we certainly killed the shit out of him! Can't get more Texas justice than that!

Vengeance is yours George!! You are the New Haven Connecticut born son of a rich man who has became the Ultimate Texan Ranger! I prostrate myself before your ungodly might and pray that my praises save me from your righteous wrath. But George? It's time to bring the boys home. They've done your good works and deserve a little respite. A little time with the kids before we shoot them over to North Korea. World War III will come soon enough my President and Chief Commander, you've made that an inevitability. Just take a break and go out on a good note. Jeb will have the reigns soon enough.

I know that Iran looks juicy right now. Filled with holocaust denying evil-doers. Chock full of fundamentalists. Probably Al-Qaeda agents on every street corner selling enriched uranium to kids, but George, they've got a real army. Lots of men with lots of guns. An Airforce even. They were Persia for a while. We'll come back to them after we've got the draft up and running again.

So there it is. That's the plan. I trust you will ignore it as you've ignored all of my best ideas, but I'd be a fool not to offer up the solution when so many seem to be struggling.Obviously they don't play Risk.


Jeremiah Liend


QP Quaddle said…
Huh. Never even noticed the comments that were deleted. Probably trying to sell me Viagra.
Duke said…
Ooh, I wanted to know what those people had to say. ESPECIALLY if they were hockin’ ‘scripts
I like how your plan to bring out troops home is to…bring…our…troops home.

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