My Giant Chocolate Jesus.

I was elbow deep in milk chocolate, preparing to pour the exterior mold when, in a spectacular flash of light there came upon me Jesus. I didn’t quite know what to do. He was dressed casually, no robes of crimson or anything, just a comfortable pair of slacks and a sweater. If you saw him on the street you would miss him. But when he arrived there was this amazing trumpeting and of course the seraphim and cherubim were a dead give away. With the wave of a hand they were away and we were alone. Just Jesus, me, and a 12 foot chocolate crucifix.

“Hey Dale.” said Jesus, “Uh… what’s going on?”

Sweet Jesus! What do you say to something like that? Didn’t he know? Of course he knew. It was some sort of test obviously.

“I’m just… ah. Glorifying your name?” said I.

“By building a life sized crucifix out of chocolate?” asked Jesus.

“Yeah! Yeah… well, and I mean, I assume you know all this already, but yeah, I was in Wal-Mart, in the seasonal aisle, looking at the vast quantity of Cadbury eggs and what not, and then I saw a display of chocolate crosses and I though, well, why not make one much, much larger and make it accurate to the scale and scope of the ah… passion… yeah. So what do you think?” I asked.

Jesus shook his head then, [he looked more Jewish than I would have thought] and smiled a little.

“Dale, I think your heart was in the right place here, but I’ve got something to tell you, and it’s super important.” said Jesus.

And then he talked for a really long time about stuff. Really important stuff. I can’t remember the exact words, but the gist of it, and this is why I’m sharing it all with you, is that materialism and revelry is in counter to his overall message of humility and peace. But then he saw the vats of chocolate and sort of got off topic. He wanted to see how someone would go about making such a large piece of chocolate.

I explained that it was very difficult! First I had to find a life sized crucifix and convince a local cemetery to let me borrow it. I explained that I originally wanted to use a vacuum form around the works, which if you have a facility would be something, but I basically had to use a plaster mold and then reinforce it. And that doesn’t account for the internal reinforcement! Because a 12 foot cross of chocolate does not, no matter what you think, really want to stay up! So then I explained how I was committed to making the entire thing edible and so could not resort to the standard reinforcing. I mean, I could easily fill the whole works with chicken wire, but kids are going to eat it!

“Kids?” asked Jesus.

And then I had to go into the plan. See I wanted to bring the giant chocolate Jesus to Sunday mass AFTER Easter as a reward to people who still go to church. The idea being that if more people keep doing it consistently that it will be a better world. Jesus explained that the modern church is really just a bomb shelter against the pain and cruelty of an outside world clamoring for salvation and that if everyone who went to church built houses on Sunday or fed the hungry or did something useful that human suffering would be reduced to next to nothing inside a month. Then I said;

“But Jesus, I thought Sunday was supposed to be a day of rest?”

And then he got all sorts of worked up!! He explained that the Sabbath was actually Saturday, and I said, what like the Seventh Day Adventists? And he was like; yeah, or the Jews. The Sabbath starts Friday night and continues until there are three stars in the sky on Saturday night. This struck me as sort of crazy. It was about this time that I was willing to believe I was either crazy or on drugs. But then Jesus wanted to hear more about the plan. So I explained that, more or less, the idea was that if you fill the interior of the mold with pretzels it will provide a crunchy/delicious matrix that will hold the whole works together, and then it’s all just a matter of detail work. Little red frosting for the seven wounds, ice the loin cloth to really make it pop.

Jesus seemed to consider things for a while then. I had already forgotten a lot about what he had told me earlier.

“So basically…” Jesus asked, “You’re doing this to get more people to go to church?”

“Yeah.” I said, “ Well, that and to outdo Wal-Mart. Doesn’t seem right that they should make millions off of your death and resurrection by making inferior crosses.”

Jesus grasped me by the shoulder then and smiled.

“Make sure the kids get some.” he said.

And then he was gone. Later I would find that the nitrous I was keeping around for fun had a leak and more than likely the entire thing was a hallucination. Anyhow, if you want to see my giant chocolate Jesus come to church the Sunday after

Comments

Andrew said…
You should write children’s books.
Andrew said…
You should write children’s books.

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