Q Report; The Rise of Nazi-America or An Interview With Obama.
It came on subtly, yet inexorably. Like a fast moving glacier blocking the front door. The White House was operating just fine, aware of the problems but contending with them. Then, for whatever reason, everyone was wearing tan. Obama started painting poorly. Stopped eating meat.
“Why does the kitchen staff need pistols?” queried Biden.
Biden was left out of the loop till everything was put in place. Then the swastika rose over the justice building. It came one morning without anyone really expecting it, nor being surprised. Obama had turned Nazi, and America was coming with him. It was a cunning move. Daring and bold. A hallmark of a man of action. The miniature mustache was over the top, but somehow he pulled it off. Sold it. Newsreels always failed to capture Hitler’s charm. The charisma we were all told about in history class never translated to film. Maybe they just destroyed the footage of his cooking class after they found out about all the death camps. Whatever Hitler lacked in screen performance, Obama made up for in High Definition. His announcement came from the steps of the Capital Building. Michelle and the girls were all in matching uniforms. So much damned khaki.
When you give an elected official the mandate for “Change” you entrust them with rather broad strokes. What is Change? It’s not being what it was. By virtue of the election itself the imperative had been met. The victory secured.
“A Black President? That’s a Change.”
And we all rested on our laurels. Took a load off. Well, that’s good for us. Look at the United States world! We’re sorry about Bush! There really are a wide array of intelligent, diverse, inclusive folks over here! We’re not all war mongers and idiots! Look! Behold we have elected the man who will bring us Change! And then it was back to your regularly scheduled programming. The sitcoms didn’t even believe it bared mentioning. The news agencies were interested for the first 100 days. Then they did a splash piece for the people. Then it was back to Brad Pitt’s hepatitis. What’s on CBS tonight?
At first it seemed that everything was going OK. Then all the Nazi talk started. The piss poor educational system failed, over the intermediary 60+ years since WW II, to outline the differences between national socialism and socialism on a national level. One led to Jews in ovens. The other led to children being insured. But you can only fool some people some of the time, even if there is another one born every minute. Blame the history teachers I guess. Blame was being tossed in equitable handfuls across the aisle while nothing was getting done. Finally they took it to the town halls where fanatics with third grade educations began the violence.
Meanwhile Obama was slipping silently but surely into a delusion. They loved him in Germany. They loved him everywhere. Everywhere he went he seemed to rise above the stain of America’s past and validate a whole people. He may have touched the Queen of England. The last leader to be allowed to touch the Queen was Saint Patrick. To Obama it was a good sign. The tour was going well. Everything was on schedule. But then there were the detractors who claimed that he was the antichrist/Hitler.
They were crazy to be sure. But it was a crazy world. Why not make the decision to transfer the republic to an empire? It had certainly worked in Rome for a while there. Democracy was obviously never going to work. The Great Experiment had failed. Maybe we ignored the forefathers for too long. Maybe the rich were just tired of feeding their slaves. Whatever the case Obama had enough. His reasons were shrouded in mystery when the word came down that every American was a Nazi. But hell. What were you supposed to do? Revolt?
Whatever the case I demanded answers. The news agencies were taken over by the SS early on. It was a fairly easy transition to change Secret Service to Schutzstaffel. Didn’t even need to change the damned stationary. All of their monogrammed machine pistols were in the clear. Well oiled and loaded to the brim with caseless rounds. Every indoctrinated reporter was put to the sword in 24 hours. Rupert Murdoch was given the gentleman’s courtesy of being allowed to kill himself. The reams of death footage began piling up in digital archives. Obama would disseminate the deaths of popular media figures over the course of his first week in office. He fairly Lex Luthored the whole works early on. 500 channels reduced to one station that provided the most amusing propaganda ever produced. Michael Bay was easy to turn and America remained glued to their sets ingesting the disinformation as jackboots kicked open doors to police stations.
The reason I was not captured or killed remained a mystery until only recently when I was allowed an interview. No one can control the datastream. The Blogosphere is as infinite as the human capacity for stupidity. While Rush Limbaugh was easy to find and even easier to kill, the recluse freelancer is a difficult board to nail. Uploading the renegade information from digital phones in any one of a billion locations. Give me a flatbed scanner and a land line and I can give you any book ever printed inside 24 hours. Give me a Blackberry and some thumb thimbles and I’ll report to you from Antarctica. It was this renegade spirit that got me the invite to the White House. It came at the ass end of a public service address from Obama.
“…and I would like to extend a personal invitation to Agent Q to come to the White House… crack a cold one… and just talk about the events around us.”
God… how could I resist? The blitz was staging in Texas and Montana to make the big push to unify the Americas. Word was that Obama intended on naming the race that was to be persecuted as the reason for the Economic Crisis so that we could start firing up the Death Camps. Put some hard working Nazi-Americans back where they belonged; on the job. When Rather got the call from Hussein I’m sure he got the same feeling. A hard-on in the brain that won’t let it sit comfortably no matter what hat was being worn. I packed my things and booked the next train to D.C.
When I say I packed what I mean to say is I equipped. A journalist can travel light in this day and age. All of my interviews are recorded using my phone and then e-mailed to a server maintained in any one of several undisclosed locations. The digital capture is then shuffled along to global news agencies that give a shit. Since Obama turned Nazi my pay per click adwords increased by a factor of 1,000. Too bad Google was nationalized. Still, before the hammer dropped my accountant/broker/word pimp codename; Preacher managed to transfer the bulk of my holdings into pounds. He’s a devious bastard, but his contacts at the Vatican get word of these things coming down from a higher power. Keep an eye on where the Pope keeps his money and you’re betting on a sure thing.
But back to the packing. Traveling light consists of a passport, a pen [suicide model], phone/digital capture device, sword, drugs [50/50 prescription/recreational], sunglasses [worn at night], beard and moustache trimmer [saved my life once in Uzbekistan], a change of socks, flask full of lighter fluid, lucky lighter, business card case. For this particular interview I took my standard insurance policy; an ankle cuffed suitcase packed with enough C4 and depleted uranium to level Delaware all wet wired to a dead man‘s switch tastefully set as a throat collar pressure monitor. What this means is, for those of you unaccustomed to global terrorist negotiation, is that if anyone is foolish enough to change or stop the rhythm of my heart, and furthermore foolish enough to be within 300 to 1000 yards, they will be instantly killed by either incineration or concussion. The uranium is just for funsies. The sword is a Roman Gladius that can be strapped to the suitcase so as to almost conceal itself.
When I arrived in D.C. I was not surprised to find the entire city on lockdown. Giant murals depicted Obama as the good looking God King of our finest dreaming. People were happy! Tooling around the sites and seeing what’s what in the Brave New Regime. Sculptors were hard at work changing the faces on statues to Obama, a tasteful page ripped out of Caligula’s playbook. Jefferson never looked so good as when his face was replaced with Obama’s smiling mug. I was incredulous at first, but it’s damned difficult not to love Big Brother when he’s all over everything. The first murder/rape changed my perception pretty quick. I think the victim may have been Hannity. Perhaps Colmes. I can never tell them apart.
Broadcast murder/rape is one thing. But to see a former politco dragged into the center of the street and savaged like an animal is something else all together. The tourists loved it though. Took pictures with their phones and ululated into the bright June sky. I always attempt to remain impartial to the apocalypse, but heading into the interview I will tell you that I was more than a little hesitant. Perhaps this new Nazi-America was not all it was cracked up to be. Still. The story must go on. Security around the White House was lax enough to allow me into the kill zone. SS agents picked me out of the crowd too late to endanger the building itself. As I approached it occurred to me that it could all be a ruse. A simple plan to lure me into a trap where, once set, a house would be sacrificed to kill the last freelancer working in America. My paranoia was assuaged when Obama showed up on the front steps with the family.
“Welcome Agent Q! Won’t you meet my family!” said Obama, yelling over the advancing SS and surrounding crowd.
The crowd was savvy enough with my techniques to flee in panic. Horrified/respectful glances settled on the suitcase packed with death and the horde made their away with speed. Then I was on the porch with the leader of the Fourth Reich and his lovely family. My first thought was that they would never end up in a bunker. Not this set of winners. Everyone was so charming. So well mannered. I guess it’s something I expected, but pleasantness is it’s own reward. After a light lunch of tuna sandwiches and fruit salad [my favorite] the ladies were dismissed and it was just Obama and me and a case of Coors on ice. What follows is the transcript. What the transcript fails to tell is how beautiful the whole scene was. Fat bumble bees pollinating the rose garden. The gentle sound of Wagner playing on the PA system. The beaded sweat on the SS as they attempted to remain out of earshot in the hot sun.
[Nazi Obama Interview 6/21/23. Begin Transcript.]
Q. Well then, shall we begin.
O. I’d love to Agent Q.
Q. Please, call me Q.
O. And you can call me Barry.
Q. Ok. Great. Well Barry, do you mind if I smoke while we talk?
Q. Well… they’re all drugs Barry.
O. Feel free.
Q. You want a puff?
O. No thank you. I believe that it would make me impure. I’m trying to remain pure, which is why I’ve transitioned into a vegetarian lifestyle.
Q. You don’t consider tuna meat?
O. Not anymore Q.
Q. Well… glad to hear it then. Uh… OK. I got some notes written on my arm. Hold on here.
O. Do you always write notes on yourself?
Q. Sure. More difficult to confiscate. Here we go. Take us back to 2009 will you? You were pushing your health reform through America. Would you say that’s where the whole Nazi ideal began to surface?
O. Well Q, first off let me say that it’s Nazi-America. Not just a Nazi ideal. Now, when our forefathers created the documents that guided this great land they gave us permission, in the form of the Declaration of Independence, The Constitution, and The Bill of Rights, to do away with, alter, and add to the principals they set forth to create a nation that was controlled by the people, and for their best interest. When we set out to create health care reform, the highest priority on my agenda to help out struggling Americans, I set out to create amendments that would provide safety and security to every one of it’s citizens. To that end, I decided to hold a number of town hall meetings with the intention of finding out America’s fears… their hopes… their ideas. It’s ideas that created America Q. The ideas of great men and women. Would you pass me another Coors?
O. Thank you. Now, throughout the course of these town hall meetings, detractors from the policies, backed by powerful lobbying groups, used tactics developed by pro-life activists and refined over years, to override any rational discussion and instead create a mob mentality. Group think at it’s finest. It was during this time that, throughout the internet, a theme began to develop that compared me to Hitler and the idea of socialized medicine to socialized Germany. What was originally dismissed as ignorance and hatred began to really snowball in subversive clutches of Anti-American groups.
Q. What sort of groups are you referring to there?
O. Well… that’s a difficult question to answer at this stage in the game. One would like to say that it was the Klu Klux Klan and neo-Nazi groups, but there really isn’t a precedent for that. Obviously these groups were against me from word the word go. Just a few minutes spend on Youtube can show what sort of hate and animosity was breeding and thriving from well before I took office. But the groups that surfaced after them were less informed than these organizations. The Klan has been around for a very long time, and as such their political infrastructure is limited by their reputation. You don’t get applications to join the Klan in the mail. They don’t invite you to rallies. You seek them out and then they indoctrinate you. What did happen back in 09 was that less informed individuals began rallying around causes they had little to no understanding of. Tea Partiers were the forerunners, but Tea Totalers, Palindins, Anti-Choicers, the Black-House Gang, Neo-Super-Conservatives, Deep Green Partiers, Forest Greeners, they were all of them cut from the same cloth of insecurity and ignorance. But let me take just one of those examples and talk about them.
Q. Please talk about the Tea Partiers.
O. I will. But not because you say so Q.
Q. Are those geraniums?
O. I haven’t the first damned clue. Are you high?
Q. Not yet. Here, do they just keep bringing us Coors if we want them?
O. Oh yes.
Q. Cool beans. Uh… Tea Partiers.
O. Yes! Yes. See this was an interesting time in America. People were afraid and stupid. When smart people are afraid they do stupid things, so you can only imagine the sort of momentum that can be had when you take stupid, frightened people and give them something to be angry about. The initial drive behind the Tea Party movement actually occurred in Boston around December 16, 1773. And what happened there was more or less what we would call a terrorist act. Political insurrectionists threw tea into the harbor as a sign of rebellion against Britain and the stamp act which increased the price of their goods. Basically the same thing happened in 08 and 09 except that no one had to do anything but be angry and yell a lot. Ron Paul created a resurgence in the idea as a fund raising gimmick and eventually the idea was co-opted by the Republican party as a means of recruiting fanatics to the cause of stopping me.
Q. You think it was to stop you in specific?
O. Had to be Q. What I was trying for was making sure that American’s health care was taken care of. Didn’t seem like a bad idea at the time. Did you know that in 09 there were over 8,000,000 uninsured children roaming the streets? That sort of number breaks my heart. How could we, as Americans, live in the most prosperous land God had created and neglect the most deserving and needy of our numbers? I guess pretty easily. Pretty easily is the unfortunate answer. How are you going to fix a problem like that? How would you fix a problem like that Q?
Q. Well I guess I’d-
Q. Sweet Jesus man! What’s wrong with you?
O. Nothing. You were going to tell me how you were going to solve the problem of uninsured children.
Q. Right… right. Well I was going to say that I’d-
Q. What in God’s name are you doing you crazy fucker!?
O. That’s Mister General President for Life Crazy Fucker to you Q.
O. It’s effective though, don’t you think?
Q. Yelling your head off while I’m trying to give you an answer?
O. Yes. Terribly effective. Makes a person crazy. Made me a little crazy Q. I’m a strong enough man to admit that the idea of turning the entire country on it’s heel to a Nazi-America is a little nutty. Didn’t see it coming. But you know what it is Q?
Q…. Aside from lunacy?
O. It’s working on the other side of the aisle Q. It’s what I said I was going to do. If the Republicans want me to be a Nazi, then by God I’m not going to disappoint them. The unwillingness to listen to the whole of America and not just a few select few with learning and problem solving skills is what got us into this mess. I made a promise to the American people, when I was elected, to do what I could to unite this great nation under the banner of Change. I put it to you, did I succeed?
Q. I guess you did at that.
O. Would you like to see my piece of the One True Cross?
Q. Maybe later Barry. I’ve still got two questions written on my arm. Then we’ll get drunk and you can start making me crazy promises.
O. I like your planning skills Q. Maybe you’d like to be my friend?
Q. Maybe I would like that Barry. But before we get all gushy I have to ask; What person are we going to be persecuting from here on out?
[Sound of laughter, dropping of cans, smoking of drugs.]
O. But seriously Q, I’m still not sure. Maybe the poor? That seems like a safe bet. The Jews have already been put through the ringer and to be entirely honest they are integral to keeping a lot of Greater America running smoothly. I considered the minorities and they are all of them more of a majority at this point. I thought about terrorists, but that seems a red herring at this point in the game.
Q. Hey! That reminds me. You know who I thought was more like Hitler?
O. Is it Bush?
Q. YES! Well… Cheney, but it’s really just a reverse ventriloquist act.
O. Yeah! I really thought that the American people would see the Patriot Act as what it really was, which is Völkisch tactics, and the Americorps as the German Workers Party and the wiretapping and the little flag pins and… man. I mean, I saw it. I think that a lot of smart people also saw it. But you know what they didn’t have?
Q. People willing to scream at the top of their lungs?
O. That’s right Q. Wellstone died and there was no one. But Bush didn’t have an endgame. He didn’t have the willingness to be a unifier. It worked out well for me.
Q. So the poor then?
O. Well, when the Death Squads started herding up the elderly and infirmed we really limited our choices for who to direct our hate and suspicion towards. The billions we saved by simply euthanizing them not only solidified SS, that’s Social Security I’m talking, and Medicare, but also allowed for the financial elbow room to really put the spine back into our armed forces. But yes. I think it’s the poor. The poor and downtrodden must die if we are to maintain an American Standard of Living.
Q. Which is funny, since the poor more or less elected you.
O. I wouldn’t call it funny Q. Coors me.
Q. Man, the silver bullet.
O. Brewed in the Rockies I understand.
Q. Ok. So the poor. Good. They are going to love this in Europe. Uh. Last question and then we can go off the record and maybe I’ll escape with my life… uh. YES! The Blitz.
O. The blitz! This is very exciting stuff. Here, I’ve got a map.
Q. I’ve got a map on my phone here.
O. Not a map like this Q. Take a look.
Q. United America eh?
O. We don’t think we’re going to run into much of a problem with the invasion. When Hitler came to power he more or less had to rebuild his industrial infrastructure to outfit and provide for an army. Now, consider how large Germany is, and then consider just how large Nazi-America is. Just consider the land mass, you know? We have factories building factories. And this war? We’ve already got WW III video games in development and let me tell you they are going to sell sell sell. We have never seen a war like this Q. An invasion of this scale. It’s going to go down in history as the most decisive and awe inspiring conquering spree since Alexander. Alexander is a punk Q. After we get the America’s under the Nazi flag there’s no stopping us.
Q. Sounds like you’ve got it all worked out then?
O. The best part? Mexico doesn’t have nukes. They don’t even have that many guns. They don’t even have factories to make guns. I think there may be one munitions factory in Guadalajara but when I asked my senior defensive staff what sort of a fight we were going to get out of Mexico we all laughed so hard we had to cancel the meeting and shoot some smack to chill out. This is going to be like beating the false teeth out of a 90 year old woman, and they still have them down south.
Q. What about Canada?
O. They want us to invade! We’re going to make Operation Weserübung look like a hard time. They want our cheeseburgers and our beaches. We want their beer and their obedience. It’s going to be great Q. Really great.
Q. Well Barry, that’s all I’ve got. Is there anything you’d like to tell the world?
O. Just that we’re coming.
Q. Sure thing. Well, thanks for having me Barry, let me just turn this off.
The remainder of the time I spent with Obama we looked at the relics he had collected to increase his arcane powers. Pieces of saints and weapons of great generals. The Smithsonian was a very different place. History altered to include versions of Obama throughout the founding of America. The Library of Congress was still burning, years after it had been packed with tires and congress and set ablaze. My escape was cordial. The violence obligatory. I write to you on the dawn of a very dark era. How we came to it is anyone’s guess. Soon comes the war and with it my exile. I am a freelance journalist, not a war correspondent.
To you who wait on baited breath for the first shot I tell you to keep your head down. The future will be full of cowardly breeders and the shell shocked youth who can still work a shovel. The road to Nazi-America was a winding path fraught with misunderstanding and absurdity. For my part I wash my hands of the whole mess. The works was doomed to begin with. I’ll see you on the other side.
Q.P. Quaddle DDS