I Survived MN Snowpocalypse 2010, and I All I Got Was This Lousy Hernia.

12/12/10 – Minneapolis, MN

It seems whenever I travel south, there is only calamity and chaos that follows me. It makes me want to keep driving and send this misfortune to Rio. Those lucky tan people live on a beach for most of their existence. Meanwhile, we in the TC are surrounded by tons of snow. There is nowhere to put it. I can’t imagine it’s gone. Too cold for it to melt, to be sure. The city probably just pushed it out on Lake Calhoun. That’s what I would do I guess. Try to make the streets passable. I imagine that most are impassible at this point. There have to be thousands of cars buried under tons of snow.

Laser plows. That’s all I’m saying. Just laser the snow and ice, vacuum it into a tank in the rear, and then use that water to make ice castles. Or drinks. But all we’re doing at this point is moving it down the street. It’s fun, because I am deeply and profoundly in love with a climatologist. And she let me know about this well in advance. I am prepared for her snow fall patterns. I am prepared for her species loss. I am prepared for her feedback loops. We are all dust mites living off the most majestic system of life perhaps ever created. Sometimes this system wrecks your things. Just to let you know who is boss.

HHH collapsed. Which is encouraging. HST would be proud. I wonder if MOA even wants it if it is just going to collapse and kill people. Or at least get them very wet and cold. It is good that the storm had the good sense to start and end as it did. Rather than allow the teams to arrive and gather a massive crowd. I have imagined the fantastic chaos of the audience at the HHH driven to madness. It is neither an encouraging picture, nor an example of humanity at its finest. Brett Favre would probably catch the roof and fly it back into place. All I see is Jared Alan being consumed by a 2 ton snowfall. Merry Christmas Giants. Too bad the dome crushed your team…

What is encouraging about the whole event is that, while trying to keep a PT Cruiser moving through the unplowed streets in order to avoid being towed, random groups of strangers would come from nowhere to assist you. Myself and Dudley, still reeling from being accosted by an evangelist, saw an SUV whip a Dukes of Hazard U-turn only to swamp in the middle of the road. Dudley and I watched on for a few moments to see if they could get out, found it obvious they could not, and then went over to assist them in their efforts. Dudley was the first to go, but it is good to help people. It was a little Christmas Miracle to see people, not screaming or cursing, but working together to combat the elements.

I have been without a computer you see. For a time it was because I had no money, and then it was because I was cheap, but my lady has given me universal power, and this comp is red hot underneath me. And it’s nice. It’s like an electric blanket that can also connect me with the planet. Or a case of enriched uranium gently warming my lap even as it offers me the boundless opportunity of connection with anyone. It is a hand-me-up HP Pavilion ze2000, but it has been running since 2004. Few computers can perform so admirably amidst software that has rapidly and exponentially outpaced it. The keyboard is just the right size though. None of that netbook nonsense…

So I plan on writing some things in the next few decades. I have not had this machine since before Footloose opened, and that means I have gone nearly a month without writing anything of quality or quantity. And that will never do. Not when we are amid the Snowpocalypse. All Hail Quetzoquaddle. Stay safe out there.


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- Daniel
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