Q-Report: Boko Haram; You Have Four Months To Bring Those Girls Back.
The advantage of being a member of the most secret agent organization in the world is being able to say shit with relative impunity. The internet and attention spans being what they are. The problem with a secret agent alter ego is, if you're doing everything right, no one knows about it. Additionally, the problem with a starving artist cover is the same. But there again, we never wanted celebrity. Celebrity is nothing to be sought out in this age. It means resigning yourself as a slave to the global media for the rest of your life. Brad Pitt sells waffles in China. Sells them like no one else. But he does not sell things in America. In America he sells his pretty face. Which becomes less pretty by the day. Oh, that’s mean. We don’t want to be mean to Brad. He’s doing his level best to leverage his celebrity for the greater good. Probably. Probably all of the ultra rich are working towards the global good. Certainly they wouldn’t just conveniently and sycophantically support only the most public and easy of charities? It is just that we, out here in the world, are just too fucking stupid to feed ourselves.
We didn’t catch Kony, and now all of those girls are gone. And apparently being sold. Why can’t we buy them? You know? At least OFFER to buy them? All of them? For like, tanks, maybe? Like, we would give these rebel terrorists tanks in exchange for the girls? And it would seem like a done deal, and we walk away with them, and they go to turn the tanks on us, and as it turns out they are out of gas. Oh, and did we mention that it gets 20 gallons to the mile? No. No, we didn’t say that wrong. No, that’s a thing, gallons to the mile. And then we have one of those old western fist fights and round up the terrorists into gitmo. That is just one plan of attack. We are willing, at this point, to accept other suggestions into our feasibility studies. Apparently the war on terrorism cannot always be won with explosives fired by flying deathbots.
We could just fill the tanks with high explosives, and wait for them to get in? Not even HIGH explosives. Probably. Average grenade would probably get the job done. If it is a budget thing? But that is only if we are OK with the idea of killing terrorists? I know that we don’t negotiate with them, or fund them, or acknowledge their continued success, or combat them effectively, or even agree to whom their ultimate allegiance lies… but. Can we all, at least, get behind the idea that we can kill them all? With rifles and swords? Or JUST swords? I have a JUST sword plan, whereby the ultimate goal would be simply to take hands off. It will involve some gas. If you’ve never tried sword fighting in a gas mask, then you truly have not lived. The girls will be fine.
What we need, is a huge pallet of $1,000 bills. They used to make them. No. No. What we need is TWO pallets of $1,000 bills. One for the girls, and one for Kony, and YES! We know that the value of a single persons life can never be weighed against the value of others, BUT, and this is important, the money is not real! Is the thing! We, in America, will all KNOW that using a $1,000 bill is illegal! And so they can exchange it among themselves, for FUN! But in the end we are getting A. All those poor girls back B. Kony and we lose NOTHING! Printer ink! 2 pallets. Some of that stretchy cellophane you need to palletize things. Oh sure, we’re going to have to get to Africa, but there again, do we have to!? Can’t we just create it in a studio, and say;
“Here’s the money, terrorists. It’s in the White House… come get it.”
And Obama is there with a huge machine gun, and actually everyone in the White House is armed to the teeth, you know, the girls and all, as examples of what happens when you try to abduct hundreds of OUR girls! Lead sandwich! Hold the bread! You know? There is an intangible propaganda value to this particular operational plan. But here is why we need the second pallet for Kony, and why we should have caught him a couple years ago, when that crazy pervert produced that infomercial and all those bumper stickers and t-shirts. Because, and this may come as a shock to you, Joseph Kony has been kidnapping, drugging, raping, murdering, and probably other stuff as well, this entire fucking time. Between that video and now, he’s just been rolling around the jungle with his child army. And that is still not right, you know? The media has an attention span only so long. And if we don’t get this resolved, but soon, those girls are never going to get out of there.
We could frame the entire thing as “The End Of The War On Terror”, you know? If we get a dialogue going we could postpone the actual exchange/trap for 9/11, and then, 13 years after the fact, we could, as a nation and globe, come together to actually and actively save people from terrorism. I know we burned some bridges with the whole, invasion/war crimes against, Afghanistan and Iraq, but Obama is just what everybody wants in a president, and THAT is on the clock. But he May Dayed that Usama Bin Laden dude. Right in the face. It isn’t an election season, you know? Why not use those tyrannical Patriot Act war powers before the republicans lose their distraction of repealing your health care?
It is too bad that, ultimately, our agency in this is reduced to feasibility. The total physical, spiritual, and mental impotence as it relates to this situation is utterly crippling. I see celebrities holding hand written signs. Thank heavens for twitter, you know? Where would our society be, without people holding handwritten signs in front of their camera phones? Apparently Amy Klobuchar is on the case. All may not be lost. Surely the republicans will help her, and those poor, doomed girls. One thing I can do, maybe the only thing, here and now, is to curse the the Boko Haram. My people come from old Bohemia. I have to believe that a curse has to be more effective than holding a handwritten sign for a selfie. So. Here goes;
To Abubakar Shekau, and The Other Man-Pigs of Boko Haram,
To begin, Ustaz Mohammed Yusuf was a lunatic asshole who believed that the Earth was flat. the Earth is round. There is a camera in space, broadcasting it online. Very round. Not perfectly, but what is perfect? Only Gods. I am writing to you to inform you that I have called down upon you, and yours, the Curse of The Gods. It is a particular hex that utilizes a combination of Wicca, Druidism, Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Santeria, Voo-Doo, Hoo-Doo, Book of Q, and an esoteric interpretation of zazen Shintoism, Norse pantheonism, and Bohemian Gypsy Curse. I can assure you I am quite serious. The ritual itself will take four months, and over this time you will suffer as no person has before, until your ultimate deaths on or before 9/11/2014. This curse comes with it the endorsement of a multi-cultural collective of theology, ethics, morality, and principles, all which stand in direct opposition to your continued existence in the face of your inhumane actions. This may be considered a counter-Jihad. To close, and in the words of the immortal Thom Yorke, through his Radiohead; “We hope that you choke.”