Game of Thrones Season 6 Spoiler Alert.
[Last Season: Show everyone the terrible stuff that has happened so far.]
[Int. Castle Black. Right where we left off. ]
[Jon Snow bleeds out and his eyes frost over.]
Jon. OH NO YOU DID NOT!
Captain Dudewehate. Oh nO! ZOMBIE SNOW! We should have known!
Jon. I was a nightwalker all along! I just didn't want to be cold all the time. But now it's on!
[Jon Snow kills all the murderers and rapists who so cruelly betrayed him. Little Ollie is last to go.]
Ollie. Oh Jon! Don't kill me! Your girlfriend killed me ma and pa!
Jon. Ollie, you're mother sucks poops in hell.
[Jon lops off Ollies head and then turns around, where Ghost is licking his massive ballsack.]
Jon. Really? Ghost? No help? Whatsoever?
Ghost. You got this.
[Talking dogs WHAT!? What a twist? Cut to:]
[Int. Temple of the Many Faced God. Whenever.]
[Arya is all like "aaah" while A Man looks on.]
Arya. Aaaaaa! Nuts! And berries, what happened!
A Man. A girl has used a face to take revenge, and so The Many Faced God has blinded a girl.
Arya. What? Why? That's not cool!
A Man. Now a girl must live her life in darkness forever. But at least you can never.
[Arya leaps on A Man and stabs the holy hell out of him.]
Arya. You talk a lot, for a dead guy!
[Arya doesn't even give an F about not having eyes, that's how badass she is. Instinctually she worgs into A Man and becomes lateral to The Many Faced God. She considers her options, and then focuses her divine energy into a 50 story tall metal golem replica of Sean Bean, AKA Daddy Stark, AKA He's on the cover but it's all a ploy.]
SuperAryaStark. FU, BRAVOS!!!
[Arya stomps on the temple, a la Ghostbusters. A Man leaps out of the rubble.]
A Man. No one steps on a church in my town!
SuperAryaStark. NO ONE STANDS IN THE WAY OF MY ULTIMATE REVENGE! NOT EVEN YOU, PRETTY BOY!
[Arya stomps A Man and affords him the dignity of a simple twist of her school sized foot. Wiping the goo off on a dock, Arya realizes she is looking at that dude she was supposed to kill.]
SuperAryaStark. Treat your workers more fairly, or I'll return and squish you too.
Clamguy. Pfffft. I don't have to listen to a girl.
[SuperAryaStark groans and then eats the small man, as a person would eat a fly. Not to enjoy it, or be nourished. But because the fly has to go.]
SuperAryaStark. AND AS FOR THE REST OF YOU? STOP PERPETRATING A CULTURE OF RAPE AND OPPRESION!
[Ext. Bravos. Day.]
[SuperAryaStark wades into the ocean, knocking over the much smaller statue as a final dick move, before heading back towards Westros. Cut to.]
[Ext. Stark Castle. Day.]
[Brienne of Tarth and her little friend tool past the battlements with the head of Stannis Borathian.]
Squireface. Hey, what's that over there?
Brienne. Looks like a couple of corpses.
Squireface. I'll see if they're worth eating!
[Brienne's little friend helpfully turns over the lady corpse.]
Squireface. Uh oh. My lady? I've got some bad news. Two pieces of bad news, actually.
Squireface. Lady Sansa Stark is all corpsified...
Brienne. Crumbs. Nuts. Nut butter sandwiches. What else?
Squireface. We can't eat this guy's dick.
[Just then, Ramsay and Roose Bolton ride over with a bunch of dudes.]
Roose. Hello, I don't believe we've met.
Brienne. No, we have. We've met a few times, actually, and you never remember my name.
Ramsay. May I rape her, father?
Roose. Not now! Don't call me that!
Brienne. What's up, duders? You want to eat these people?
Ramsay. Oh no! Is that my wife?
Brienne. Former wife. I was charged with her protection. But I'm not so great at protecting people.
Ramsay. Reek! Bring the corpse along! We'll get to play with it a while, before she turns.
Squireface. This other corpse does Reek...
Ramsay. Oh no! No! My manpanion! I loved torture raping him most of all! Arg!
[Ramsay turns and sees his crazy girlfriend dead from before.]
Ramsay. Oh nO! No! This is the worst day ever! All of this murder and victory is laid low by my vain hubris! Quickly, sieze that manish woman. We will all be consoled in running a train on her.
Brienne. Oh no. No, that's not going to happen.
Roose. Whose head is that?
Brienne. Mine. Now listen. You all just go back in your castle. There's no reason you all have to die here.
Roose. You, useless minion, who is this buff chick?
Squireface. She is the Lady Brienne of Tarth. Greatest warrior in the seven, or any realms.
Roose. Let's go back in the castle, Ramsay.
Ramsay. Oh no! I've always wanted to murder-rape the greatest warrior in this, or any realm.
Brienne. Whelp, he warned you.
[Brienne is feeling nice, so she only chops the arms and penis off of every person who foolishly allows themselves to be thrown near her. After a prolonged and overbudgeted, if not cathartic fight scene, everyone but Squireface is left dickless, limbless, and/or dying.]
Squireface. I did tell them, Milady.
Brienne. It's like they don't speak the king's English.
[Brienne hands her sword to be cleaned. Cut TO:]
[Int. Boat. Day.]
[Jamie holds his daughter niece as she becomes more and more corpsified, then stands and goes out.]
[Ext. Boat. Day.]
Jamie. Turn the boat around.
Bronn. Don't think that's such a great idea, sir.
Jamie. They poisoned my girl to death.
Bronn. Yeah. They will do that. Why did you let that terrifying woman kiss her, anyhow?
Jamie. I don't know. I thought it was sexy.
Bronn. You have some very failed notions of sexy.
Jamie. Turn the ship around!
Bronn. Is there really any reason this entire cast and crew has to die, so that you can go out in a daring but fruitless last stand against an unbeatable foe?
Jamie. Did someone eat alphabet soup for dinner?
Bronn. I did. It was very good.
Jamie. We're going back.
Bronn. No, we're not.
[Bronn draws his sword.]
Bronn. We both know how this ends.
Jamie. I don't think so.
[Jamie pushes a button on his hand that turns it into a chainsaw.]
Bronn. You don't think I wasn't prepared for that?
[Bronn calls from bellow, and a heavily armored little person climbs unto his shoulders and starts pinwheeling dead fish on chains.]
Bronn. Those are the deadly puffer fish! One sting and you're a goner!
[There is an epic shipboard duel between Jaimie and Bronn, but then Jamie's hand runs out of gas.]
Jamie. Nut butter!
Bronn. We have you now!
[But in his enthusiasm, a thrust leave's Bronn vulnerable, and Jamie stabs the armored little person in the face.]
[The little person falls into the sea. Before it sinks, we see that it is the king, Incestface the first.]
Jamie. My son nephew! Why!?
King Incestface. Because... Yolo...
Bronn. Because we spent too much money on the last swordfight.
Jamie. Fine... then I'll go BY MY SELF!!!
[Jamie gets in the dingy, which has been there the whole time.]
Bronn. I can't let you go.
Bronn. Because my pornography is in that boat.
[Jamie is ugly crying as he row back towards more conflict. CUT TO!]
[The Mother of Dragons is utterly surrounded by a bunch of dirty horse people.]
Daenerys. Hey! Stop riding around me! You're going to get my dress dirty!
Lead Horsedude. Hey, what's up.
Daenerys. Nothing. My dragon is tired, so we're resting here. Why, what do you want?
[There is a general feeling of rape, among the men.]
Daenerys. Let me just stop you there. That might seem like a good idea, now, but two things. First off... my dragon would eat you.
[With that, her broken, lazy dragon makes itself known.]
BrokeDragon. Hey. Leave her be. Don't make me get up. Because, I will.
Lead Horsedude. Your dragon looks broke, lady. What was the other thing?
Daenerys. I am the wife of Kal Drogo, and thus your queen, so get down. Get down.
Lead Horsedude. I am not going to get down. Kal Drogo?
Daenerys. It was in season 1. It doesn't matter, just believe me when I tell you that I am either now, or will be in the very near future, queen.
Lead Horsedude. OK. Well. I dunno, lady. I think we're just going to kill that thing, and eat it, and probably you're going to be my plaything, before I pass you around to the other horsedudes. Unless?
Lead Horsedude. Unless you have gold?
Daenerys. Uh... not on me.
Lead Horsedude. Then I would just go limp.
[Just then, the lead horsedude explodes in fire, as the other two, not broken dragons reign fire from above.]
Lead Horsedude. OUR BAD! OUR BAD!
Daenerys. But how?
[Jorah and Tyrion are riding one dragon, and Daario is riding the other one, with both Michiel Huisman and Ed Skrein versions.]
Jorah. We used the power of the pretty and hideous versions of Daario to make love to, and then talk sense into these other dragons, and they are all on board!
[There is a lot of screaming, and burning, and gorging on horses, and laughing. The Daario's help Daenerys up, and they buninate manhorse by the score.]
Daenerys. I want to burn up this entire, useless world, and anyone who ever thought it was a good idea.
Daario. I just want to not be fired for someone prettier.
Daenerys. Oh... simple, vain Daario. Flick my bean as we straffe these nwbs.
[Afterwards everyone flies back to the capital and everything is cool, because the warrior eunuchs rounded up and killed anyone larger than 4 feet tall. But, Jorah also gave his dragon fantasy syphilis, so it is, as always, two steps forward, and a dozen back. CUT TO:]
[Int. Creepy Castle Lab. Day.]
[Cersei is set down by Zombie Mountain and Wizardface attends her.]
Wizardface. Let me do something about that hair!
[Wizardface pours a tonic on Cersei's hair, which grows it back to it's normal dimensions.]
Cersei. Amazing. Hair magic?
Wizardface. I didn't always want to create zombie mutants with my time. At one point, I was a very talented hair wizard.
Cersie. You're my best hire, yet.
Wizardface. Thank you, my lady, but I have some disturbing news about King Incestface...
Cersie. No time! We've got to kill everyone!
[Cersie arms herself with a brace of poisoned crossbows and throws a murder-saddle on Zombie Mountain.]
Cersie. Shame on YOU...
Wizardface. But, my queen! Without subjects, what sort of kingdom will it be?
[With that, Zombie Mountain lurches out of the laboratory with Cersie on his back.]
[Ext. City Streets. Day.]
[The Shame Lady, Mother Superior is smoking a cigarette and talking with the crowd about how great it was to finally be able to throw feces and dead things on the queen, when suddenly.]
Cersie. SHAME ME, WILL YOU!!!
Zombie Mountain. Bleeeeeorrrrg!!!
[In a whirl of blades and bolts, bodies are pierced and torn to pieces, as a mob of people tramples babies and old people trying to escape.]
Cersie. All of you revolting plebes will suffer my wrath!!!
[Mother Superior only has time to get out "Confe-" and is fed her bell to death.]
Cersie. To the temple!
[As Cersie cuts a bloody path through the streets, we CUT TO]
[Int. Temple. Day.]
[The Sparrow is donning arcane and wonderful armor.]
Cleric. She's coming.
Sparrow. I know.
[The Sparrow rises with a sword in hand.]
[Ext. Temple. Day.]
[A wall of shaved head zealots with clubs stand guard at the steps of the temple as Cercie rides Zombie Mountain around the corner.]
Cercie. Where is he!?
[The Sparrow walks out of the temple, dressed as warrior Sam Lowry from Brazil.]
Sparrow. Let her come. The Gods are with us, brothers. No zombie, or Queen Incestface can bar our just and rightous WHAT THE F IS THAT!?
Cercie. Oh ha ha, Pryce. I'm not going to fall for that one.
[The shadow of SuperArya eclipses the sun overhead.]
SuperArya. CERCIE! MOUNTAIN! CERCIE! MOUNTAIN!
Cercie. Oh nuts. Well, it was a hell of a ride. And Jonathan?
Cercie. HE WAS MY BOYFRIEND!!!
[Monty Python foot. Fin.]