David Lynch Scholarship Prompt Script.
INT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE - NIGHT
Sheriff Peter Ball is on late duty in the small sheriff’s
office. He hears a noise outside.
EXT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE - NIGHT
He opens the front door of the office and discovers a box
on the doorstep. He spots two people running 50 yards away. He chases them but
loses them in an alley. He returns to the box and opens it up. Inside is a
small handgun and a folded note. The sheriff yells back into the office.
BALL
Hey... hey, Ernie, get me an evidence kit, would you? And
some latex free rubber gloves?
INT. SHERIFF'S
PERSONAL OFFICE - NIGHT
The walls of Sheriff Ball's office are a dense and
cluttered pastiche of awards and surreal art. Following behind him is deputy
Ernie Hicks, the only other person in the office this night.
HICKS
What you got there?
BALL
I'm not sure. Couple of kids dropped it off.
HICKS
It's a pretty little pistol.
BALL
Isn't it?
The sheriff puts on gloves and removes the note.
BALL
Please return to Chickendiaper.
HICKS
Chickendiaper? Is that two words?
BALL
No, just one. Capitalized.
HICKS
Well, that is bizzare.
BALL
What do you think they mean? Chickendiaper?
HICKS
Well, I guess whenever I think of that it's the absorbent
layer often placed below packaged chicken that's meant to absorb excess fluids.
BALL
They shove so damned much weird shit into processed chicken
these days.
HICKS
Amen, brother. Here, why don't we put this all in
evidence bags? It will be fun.
BALL
I wish our jobs weren't so much putting things into
plastic bags, as much as solving crimes.
HICKS
Or bettering society, yes, I know, Sheriff. We go round
and round on this, and I'm just done. Can we talk about sports, or something?
BALL
No. No I'd rather not think about sports.
HICKS
Well, I'll get this locked into evidence, then. I sure
hope we can solve this one.
BALL
Let's not get our hopes up. I'm so tired.
HICKS
You should go home, and rest. I can secure the city. My
plan was just to drive around and harass drunks before shaking down some kids
for fun drugs.
BALL
I remember when that used to be fun.
HICKS
You should go home. You look terrible.
BALL
Do I? Because I feel terrible.
HICKS
You should rest.
BALL
Do you find it a little funny that in order to avoid the fear of our death, the only thing
we can do is succumb to it?
HICKS
I find it a little funny, but not "Ha ha"
funny.
BALL
The best we can hope for, I guess.
EXT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE - NIGHT
The Sheriff and the Deputy exit the building.
BALL
I guess we should round up the regular suspects.
HICKS
Is that a movie?
BALL
No, it's a term.
HICKS
Oh. Well, let's get to it, then.
INT. HARD TIMES SALOON - NIGHT
The Sheriff and the Deputy are drinking fruity cocktails
and looking over the crowd.
HICKS
You see anyone familiar?
BALL
Lots of people I've dated, but no. Nobody that I would
call suspect.
HICKS
Well, it appears we've gotten fruity drink drunk for
nothing.
Roxy Jack [20's Female Student] approaches the officers.
ROXY
Can I help you guys with anything? You're making my
chronic drug users nervous.
BALL
Chickendiaper?
ROXY
It will be $200, for fifty extra your friend can watch.
BALL
The hell are you talking about?
ROXY
The hell are YOU talking about? Buy an urban dictionary,
you plebe.
BALL
You've got a lot of sass for a peasant.
ROXY
And you're very pretty, for a pig.
BALL
You hate the law?
ROXY
I hate hegemony.
BALL
I took an intro philosophy class once, too.
ROXY
Look, don't you have a minority to harass?
BALL
Justice is blind, kid.
ROXY
And castrated.
HICKS
Jesus Harold Christ, would you two shtup and get it over
with?
ROXY
Eat cock in hell, rapist.
Roxy walks away.
HICKS
I don't know why you make me come here.
BALL
You like it. You like to see me abused.
HICKS
Hell, I can watch you abuse yourself, just fine.
BALL
Well... it's nice to get out. Come on, bottoms up, we've
got an urban dictionary to find.
HICKS
No bookstore will be open at this late hour.
BALL
Then by christ, we'll use the interweb.
The Sheriff and the Deputy finish their drinks and then
exit the building.
EXT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE - NIGHT
The Sheriff and the Deputy sit in their squad car,
monitoring the streets.
BALL
You have any drugs?
HICKS
Not on me.
BALL
Nuts. Nut butter.
HICKS
Can I ask you something, Pete?
BALL
Sure, Ernie, what is it?
HICKS
Why did you get into law?
BALL
Bored, mostly. Wanted to shoot someone before I die.
HICKS
Me too. About the shooting people. I believe that boredom
is an illusionary byproduct of our failed society that drives us towards
consumption.
BALL
Everything drives us towards consumption, Ernie.
HICKS
You could always shoot me, if you wanted to?
BALL
And you could shoot me at the same time?
HICKS
Sounds kind of romantic.
BALL
Indeed it does, Ernie.
Hans Lindberg knocks on the window.
BALL
Wait a minute, here's someone we may be able to shoot,
yet.
The sheriff rolls down the window.
BALL
Good evening, Hans. What's doing?
HANS
Evening, Sherriff. Ernie. Say, I wanted to let you know,
I heard there's a murder rapist in town.
BALL
What do you mean?
HANS
Well, I mean I heard from someone, or I guess some kids
heard, that there is a raving lunatic, planning to murder and/or rape a large
number of people in the coming days and weeks.
BALL
Now, when you say that, do you trust your sources?
HANS
I guess so. I mean, they are as credible as any worth
investigating?
HICKS
We don't typically handle that sort of thing, Hans.
HANS
Oh.
HICKS
Most of our job is placing evidence in bags and
maintaining files on the items we've placed in bags.
HANS
Oh. Well, I mean, what about body bags?
HICKS
Oh sure. You have some bodies we should know about?
HANS
Well, I mean... not YET.
BALL
Listen, you keep your ear to the ground on this, and as
soon as you get a name, or address, or phone number, give it to my secretary
and we'll get back to you.
EXT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE - NIGHT
The Sheriff and the Deputy have returned to the office.
HICKS
Didn't your secretary die?
BALL
I thought she quit?
HICKS
No, I'm pretty sure she died.
BALL
Crumbs. Did we send a card?
HICKS
I think so? Give me $5.
The Sheriff does.
HICKS
We'll call it good.
Quentin Chickendiaper approaches the men.
CHICKENDIAPER
Good evening, gentlemen.
BALL
Good evening, sir. Can we serve or protect you?
CHICKENDIAPER
You may, you may indeed. My name is Quentin
Chickendiaper.
HICKS
Hot damn!!!
BALL
Looks like we solved the case, after all.
CHICKENDIAPER
I'm afraid I don't gather your meaning.
BALL
Mr. Chickendiaper, you are under arrest under suspicion
of murder rape. Please submit for questioning.
CHICKENDIAPER
Oh no! I'm no murder rapist! I'm a poultry vendor!
HICKS
Prove it.
Chickendiaper produces a poultry license, and Hicks looks
it over.
HICKS
Well... it looks like he's right. He IS a poultry vendor.
Licensed and everything.
BALL
Did you know that you don't need a license, in this
state?
CHICKENDIAPER
We have plants in Omaha.
BALL
Of course. Well, this was all a misunderstanding, you
have a good night.
CHICKENDIAPER
No no, I came to YOU.
BALL
That's not how the report is going to read, but whatever.
HICKS
What's your problem?
CHICKENDIAPER
My friends left my pistol here? I'm terribly sorry, there
was a miscommunication, and they were supposed to bring it to where I'm
staying, but the connection was poor, and I suffer from severe dementia.
BALL
Your friends, why did they run away from me?
CHICKENDIAPER
Well, they are both on the lamb, you see? Suspects in an
ongoing tax fraud investigation. They typically live in the woods around here,
subsisting on trash and native berries.
BALL
Everything make sense, but why not just let us keep the
gun?
CHICKENDIAPER
I need it around to make me feel better about my tiny
penis.
BALL
Well, you don't have to tell US about that...
HICKS
Looks like another fine day for law enforcement.
BALL
Why don't you run inside and get Mr. Chickendiaper's gun,
Ernie? I'm going to smoke this cigar that smells like hot diarrhea.
Ernie goes indoors while Chickendiaper suffers the smoke
of the Sheriff's terrible cigar.
CHICKENDIAPER
Oh, that smells just putrid. Where is it from?
BALL
The tobacco store.
CHICKENDIAPER
I burn feathers off of chickens, and that smells nicer
than that.
BALL
I enjoy them when they really smell like nothing of this
world.
Ernie returns with the pistol.
BALL
Well, there you are. I think you will find it quite
loaded and the safety off.
CHICKENDIAPER
Well, thanks so much for understanding. I'm going to go
continue to suck the chrome from the muzzle. You both have a lovely evening.
BALL
We will try.
HICKS
Stop leaving your gun with other people. You should keep
it hidden on your person, or under your pillow.
CHICKENDIAPER
I will!
Just then Hans runs up to the group.
HANS
Sherriff! You've got to come quick! There's a murder
rapist who just took over a school bus downtown.
BALL
It's always something, isn't it?
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - NIGHT
A bus sits in the middle of the street with a MANIAC
brandishing a machine gun at a the embarked schoolchildren.
MANIAC
I want sex lube, ammunition, a helicopter, a jet, and a
submarine aircraft carrier!!!
The officers arrive on scene and exit their vehicle.
They've brought Hans and Chickendiaper, for whatever reason.
HICKS
Well, there you go.
BALL
Thanks, Obama.
HICKS
How do you want to play it?
BALL
The only way I know how...
Sheriff Ball opens the trunk of his squad car, which
contains a rocket launcher. The Maniac takes notice too late to do anything but
watch in amazement as the Sheriff levels the weapon at the bus.
BALL
Fire in the hole.
The Sherriff fires on the bus, and it explodes in a
glorious fireball. Children's flaming limbs and paper rain down on the
witnesses.
BALL
They would never have lived functional lives, anyhow.
Hicks sighs, and begins collecting body parts in plastic
bags.
THE END.
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