Q Report; The Final Q Report

To: Agents, Anons, Weirdoes, World Press, Office of the President, Space Force High Command

From: Q (K00)

Re: Final Report


Hello All, 

I have finally run down my term as director of the Guild. Due to fractional math and a particularly esoteric retirement package I get to retire on my 42,2242nd birthday. I intend to write a book about all of this that no one will ever read. Gustave Flaubert spent his adult life working on a piece called “The Temptation of Saint Anthony” and when he finished it he invited his closest friends and family to read it to them, under the condition he could do so all at once without interruption. A group showed up and allowed Flaubert to recite the entire work and then, after he finished, everyone tried to convince him to throw it into the fire and do anything else with his life. It is the funniest thing I have ever heard. 

I have tried, over the course of these many reports, to provide a unique perspective and understanding of my universe. There has never been a master agenda, but rather the mere transcription of an ongoing inner monologue. It’s all we can ever do in our vain attempts to reach out into the void, desperate for a response to our desperate cries for help. In our darkest hours, in the loneliest nights, when all around was chaos and dying, you have always been here. Dear reader. Gentle mindslave. Noble weirdo. Here to attempt (however futile) not to succumb to your boredom or offense and click away. 

The mosquitoes are thick this night. Dark and fat against the screen. Oh blue light, my old friend. My cursed enemy. The blank page a beached white whale of opportunity. Has no one a chainsaw and wood chipper? There are dogs out there, starving. This very night. There is so very much pain and anguish being dispersed among the globe that sometimes it seems like you want to scream. And you can. You should. Find some time to scream, into that void. Rage, against the dying of that light. That fight is not lost. It is all getting put on the record. It will all be written down and a clear accounting of your deeds will be available in high definition cinematic presentation mode. The Google Timephone lays a path towards a glorious singularity in time and space. 

It used to be so hard, living without knowledge of things beyond and above this world. Living with the daily uncertainty of what happens after death and what is life and why are we here and is this all simply a painfully difficult test or just a Petri dish eating itself? No no. We may be a Petri dish eating itself, but we are more than simply biomass. Our lives and experiences and trials are not lost energy in a dying system. They are quantum energy pushing towards a critical mass of possibility. Not that it is working towards a plan as much as it is reaching towards the inevitable. 

The inevitable is that we figure it out. We make it work. We overcome. Gain a higher understanding. Offer a better tomorrow. Win back that which was taken. Grace the past with a second chance. All to unify for truth, knowledge, and peace. It’s just so hard. With all the people dying everywhere. And the cancer. And the ongoing genocide. None of that would be tolerable, without knowing that we’re going to save all of those people. That is the good news. 

Here in the year 42,222 everything is awesome. There is no poverty, war, or disease. No one dies unless they want to. Everyone is back alive and living somewhere. Some galaxy. Everyone who has ever lived, just tooling around buffets and comedy clubs. Robots and humans fell deeply in love and although it was forbidden it was also the key to long term sustainability. Dogs and cats live together. Mass hysteria. Induced. Induced mass euphoria, too. We all still do all the stuff you did, but don’t have to worry about nuclear annihilations and/or small pox. Mostly. Immortality super technology did not make us any less human. We still make bad choices and hurt people and often cheat to win. We are working on it. We are still trying to be and do better.  

I love you all. I want only for your bodies, hearts, and minds to be as one and free. Free from pain, darkness, and fear. In those darkest hours, in those loneliest nights, when all around seems like chaos and dying, remember these words. You are loved. Where ever these words may find you, I see you there. If you fall, I will catch you. Though all the Gods should fail you, I will catch you my family. Like falling asleep into my arms, release those unnecessary burdens. There is not so much longer to go and we will see you on the other side. In all the universes, in all the worlds, in all the possibilities there is but one love and we all share it. 

1 ∞  <3


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