Q Report: Trump Seals The Deal

Look, folks, we did it, we finally did it, everybody said it couldn’t be done, the so-called experts, the losers, the diplomats with their ugly glasses and their tiny folders, very weak folders, very low-energy folders, and now they’re all standing there with egg on their face, Iranian egg, in fact, probably very expensive, and they’re saying Sir, Mr. President, how did you pull off the greatest peace deal in the history of the world, maybe the universe? Bigger than Versailles, bigger than Camp David, bigger than that one I did that nobody appreciated because the fake news hates success, and I tell them it’s very simple, really, I understand strength, I understand leverage, I understand war, and frankly the Ayatollah understood one thing very clearly when he looked across the table and saw me and my power: this was not a negotiation, this was surrender. There were flags. Tremendous flags. All over the room. Beautiful flags. We had so many flags they were begging us to stop bringing flags into the room. But that’s how you win. You overwhelm them with flags first. And then there's old glory, the stars and stripes, that star spangled banner, and all those flags bowed. It was a beautiful moment. I don't cry, very weak to cry, but if I did it would have been then.

Iran has agreed to what everyone agrees is the best surrender terms ever achieved, to give up all rights forever, that’s all rights, every single one, mining rights, water rights, sky rights, parental rights, property rights, all of it, in perpetuity, which is a very smart word, a strong word, lawyers love it, means basically forever but classier... more professional. All oil, all gas, all solar, all wind, all rocks of any strategic or decorative value now belong to the United States of America and possibly one or two of my friends in the region, very patriotic men, tremendous men, men who know how to appreciate a rare earth mineral when they see one. We’re taking the pistachios too, by the way, nobody even talks about the pistachios, but I said put them in, put them in the deal, because if we’re doing peace we’re doing complete peace, total peace, and total peace means total nut control. It’s called nation building. I know more about nation building than anybody. We rebuilt one. It’s called America. Maybe you’ve heard of it?

One of the biggest parts of the deal, maybe the biggest, maybe the most beautiful, is they have agreed to never use the word nuclear again. Can you imagine that? Nobody thought of this before me. These geniuses with the think tanks, all these people with their argyle socks and their org charts, nobody ever said what if we just ban the word? They were trying to enrich uranium, I enriched the American language. Much more difficult, by the way. Much more dangerous. So now they can’t say nuclear, they can’t write nuclear, they can’t whisper nuclear into a pillow at night, they can’t skywrite it, text it, pantomime it, hum it, or imply it through dance. We had lawyers working around the clock on this. Very pale lawyers. They don't get out much! I sure wish they would, but they really can't, because of the awful Democrats. But those lawyers? In the inner offices? Tremendous stamina. They included all the variations too, nu-cu-lar, new-clear, nooculer, all of it. All of the domain rights too, so nothing embarrassing can happen on the internet. Totally prohibited. They can say “energy situation” maybe, if they ask nicely, but even that we’re not so sure of. We have ears everywhere. Beautiful ears.

And I said to them, because I’m very fair, very wise, very just... people don’t say that enough, but I’m probably the fairest, wisest, most just man ever to negotiate unconditional surrender, I said if you want the sanctions lifted, if you want the planes to stop buzzing around your beautiful deserts, if you want the whole tremendous pain circus to end, there’s one more thing, maybe the most important thing, maybe the thing this was all really about, and that is you must immediately surrender all evidence of voter tampering in the 2020 election, because we all know what happened, everybody knows, don’t let them tell you otherwise, I won by a lot, an unbelievable amount, a number so large it frightened mathematicians, they all have anxiety and trauma disorders now, and Iran has now agreed to hand over every ballot shred, every server, every satellite beam, every secret carpet, every enchanted goat, every folded parchment, every USB drive hidden in a hookah lounge from the gutters of Tehran to the highest mountain top. They gave it all up. They said Sir, Mr. President, please, take this evidence, we can’t handle the evidence, it burns, it crackles, it speaks in your voice. And I said of course it does. Truth has a very recognizable sound. It sounds exactly like me, but louder. And it is of course going to mean that 2020 didn't count, by executive order, and we're eligible to run in 2028. I don't even like this job!? I'm just too good at it to ever consider quitting.

People said why would Iran have the evidence, and I said that’s the kind of weak question stupid people ask, because real leaders know that when something is stolen at the highest levels, the evidence goes everywhere, it scatters like sparks from hell, it ends up in embassies, in vaults, in very suspicious yogurt factories, and who better to have it than Iran, frankly, they’ve been sitting on a lot of things for a long time, rugs, uranium-adjacent energy, Biblical grievances, very deep couches, and now they’re giving us the whole package. We’re getting binders. We’re getting discs. We’re getting golden boxes full of handwritten affidavits from people nobody has ever seen but who have fantastic penmanship. The best penmanship. And when that evidence is released, and it will come out very soon, because I believe in transparency more than anybody except maybe the Invisible Man, people are going to say wow, he was right, he was right again, how is he right this much? And I’ll say because instinct, because truth, because when you eat correctly the body becomes a war machine. That’s what they never understood about me. I'm not horking down Arby's, I'm fueling a war machine.

We also made them agree to a full renaming rights. No more chants, no more threatening slogans, no more murals with weird proportions, we’re replacing all of it. Very tasteful rebrand. Their missiles, gone. Their centrifuges, gone. Their uranium words, gone. Their maps now all include a Trump Victory Corridor, a Freedom Economic Zone, and the Ronald Reagan Memorial Strait. Hormuz was weak. We may rename Tehran, still looking at options, maybe Youran, maybe Little Mar-a-Lago, people love that one, and every schoolchild will begin the day by pledging allegiance, we’re not unreasonable, but something very close to allegiance, just an alternative allegiance, a respectful admiration, a tasteful acknowledgment that the United States saved them from their own horrible leadership and their dangerous vocabulary. Frankly I think they’re relieved. A lot of people are relieved when I take over their decision-making. It’s a burden off their shoulders. I call it compassionate dominance.

And the fake news, oh, they’re furious, they’re saying this is not a peace treaty, this is extortion at nuclear gun point, this is imperial madness, this is a game show with bunker-busters, and I say first of all, what a great show that would be, "Bunker Busters", you get William Shatner to Rescue 911 it, and second of all, no, this is peace through winning. It's called winning, but you losers don't understand it because you always lose, in your loser lives. You people had peace through process, peace through nuance, peace through endless talking while maniacs built tunnels, kidnapped people, enriched things, and shouted slogans. Very unkind, very unamerican slogans. I brought peace through complete psychological operational mastery. Very different model. Much better ratings. They said you can’t force a sovereign nation to hand over all their resources, their language, and their election interference archives all at once. I said watch me. Watch me do it on live television with better graphics than the Olympics and a signing table made of captured drone parts and solid American oak. We had Lee Greenwood there. We had twelve bald eagles, circling the room, each sent by a different tribal nation. We had a fog machine so powerful it was like Bon Jovi circa 1995.

And I’ll tell you, the Ayatollah, he looked tired. Very tired. He looked like a man who had finally realized he was negotiating with a warrior poet, and he kept asking for translators, more translators, better translators, and I said the translation is very simple: you lose, we own everything, and you are never allowed to say the bad science word again. Then he asked if at least Iran would retain cultural sovereignty, and I said sure, absolutely, we love culture, tremendous culture, but all future poetry must be reviewed by a joint panel of the Pentagon, the Trump Kennedy Center Board of  Directors, and three women from Boca who love me with a religious intensity that frankly humbles me. They happen to believe I'm the Messiah, I'm still not so sure, but this kind of stuff makes me wonder? We’re preserving their heritage beautifully. Better than they ever could. That’s what we do. We come in, We take over, we improve some lives, we end others, and suddenly everybody who's still alive is very grateful.

So remember this day, because history will. They’ll say this is the moment the Middle East finally knew lasting peace, the moment Iran laid down their rights, their resources, their forbidden science, and its hidden 2020 files before the golden throne of common sense. They’ll say only Trump could have done it, because only Trump understood that diplomacy is equal parts intimidation and never blinking. As I stand before you tonight, stronger than ever, better lit than ever, legally and ethically vindicated by my own wholesale victory, I can tell you the deal is done, the oil is ours, the evidence is coming, the word is banned, and peace, real, universal, lasting peace, victorious peace, humiliating-for-them and economically-beneficial-for-us peace, is finally at hand.

We're going to sign the peace accord, hand out some golden pens to our most trusted toadies, and then I get to rename a desert. 

Thank you all, God bless you, and may God continue to bless the United States of America.