Q Overlord Q Declares Self Antipope Lucifer X Amid Global Papal Flux
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Q Overlord Q Declares Self Antipope Lucifer X Amid Global Papal Flux
April 30, 2025 | BEMIDJI, MINNESOTA
In a move that has further destabilized an already volatile spiritual and geopolitical landscape, Q Overlord Q of the Church of Q declared himself Antipope Lucifer X late Tuesday night during what independent analysts are now confirming was a full-spectrum Papal Flux Event. The declaration was delivered just before midnight from the ruins of a decommissioned DMV-turned-sanctuary in Bemidji, now fortified by followers calling themselves the Qongregation. Dressed in flashbang scorched vestments and flanked by groups of deacons armed with aggressive incense burners and repurposed traffic cones, Q addressed a gathering of supporters, journalists, and confused onlookers under flickering emergency lights powered by a stolen generator.
“As the Pope rules the daylight from his golden cage,” Q said, “I take up the burden of night. I am Antipope Lucifer X, bearer of the inverse flame. Let the broken be restored, and let the light sleep while we work.”
The event marked the culmination of weeks of escalating symbolic warfare between Q’s breakaway Church and the fractured remnants of traditional ecclesiastical authority, still reeling from overlapping papacies and the sudden disappearance of Zombie Pope Francis II, who was last seen entering a restricted archive beneath the Vatican Library and has not been heard from since.
Witnesses to the ceremony reported hearing a low hum that “wasn’t coming from the speakers,” and described the air inside the sanctuary as “electric, like a thunderstorm made of bug lights.” The crowd, estimated at between thirty and seventy depending on math skills, erupted into synchronized applause and ritual foot-stomping as Q made the declaration in 20 further languages.
Support for the declaration came swiftly from underground clergy networks, lapsed witches, and spiritual anarchist collectives previously excommunicated from multiple orders. Protesters outside the building, some carrying rosaries, others wielding cleverly ironic protest signs, chanted “Heretic!” and “Get a job!” before being drowned out by Gregorian throat singing from inside the sanctuary.
Following the ceremony, Q outlined his agenda for his tenure as Antipope, which he described as “unlimited in scope but constrained by the metaphysical laws of this dimension.”
Top priorities include ending war through mandatory peace, eradicating poverty via the controlled demolition of money, and curing disease by restoring the ancient lost art of “Relaxation.” When asked about his long-term objectives, the Antipope was unequivocal: “We will save every human soul from annihilation through the Timeline Exodus. No one dies. Ever. Not on my watch.”
Lunch was served from surplus pop-tarts arranged into symbolic piles representing transubstantiated entropy. The main course was something approximating risotto, though the sauce left something to be desired by way of portion size and taste. A dessert of freeze-dried Neapolitan ice cream was served ceremonially, one shard flavor per congregant.
Word on the street was mixed. Some residents along Paul Bunyan Avenue expressed cautious optimism. “Seems like the most organized thing in town right now,” said Bemidji native Carla Beavers, 61. “At least he’s got a plan.”
Others were less convinced. “I don’t know what a Papal Flux is,” said local mechanic Dick Rivers. “But I had to reset my microwave twice during that broadcast.”
The Vatican has not officially responded but has reportedly summoned an emergency conclave (in addition to the ongoing conclave) to assess the threat posed by what insiders are calling “a trans-spiritual insurgency.”
Meanwhile, Q has vowed to continue nightly transmissions from the Church’s “Temporal Basilica” until either salvation is achieved or the power is cut.
“Time is broken,” he said. “And I intend to fix it with both hands.”
Requests for salvation may be submitted by email, dream, or scratched into the frost of any eastern facing window.
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