1,000 Swordsmen Army

Grant/Fellowship/Insane Asylum Application

Explain your project to us the best you can.
Using my newly created martial art; The Twelve Apocryphal Disciplines of Pacifist Aggression, I will train a contingent of men and women to train further more until I have amassed a thousand swordsman army, united for peace. It is a master plan that I have been coordinating for the last several years. At the end I will have done what no man since has attempted, created an army whose sole purpose was to save lives instead of take them. Swashbucklers and Samurai. Ninja and Pirates and everything in between. The project is the global opening of The Bemidji Swashbucklers Guild, and it is fantastic.

What can you tell us about where your adventure will take place? Why did you pick this specific region/city/country? How familiar are you with it?
This will take place in Bemidji, Minnesota. Beautiful Bemidji, settled on Lake Bemidji. Home to Paul and Babe [The Original no matter what those ignorant fools in Akley may believe.]. I have been blessed to live in this bastion of natural splendor. Did you know that Jane Russell was born in Bemidji? Did you know we share a birthday? Both of those things are true, and more! A bohemian clutch of artisans and educators Bemidji is home to no less than three colleges! The people who wander the streets are fantastic and smell of cinnamon and beer. The children are above average. Garrison Keillor only wishes he could tolerate the cold we are accustomed to.

What is the time frame of your proposal? (When can you begin it? How long do you plan on committing to it?)
I can accept my first 10 students as soon as tomorrow. It will take one month to complete their accelerated training in the disciplines of Pacifist Aggression. Once a base of knowledge has been established there will begin a period of applications to become initiates in the Guild. There will only be 100 accepted as applicants. The Disciplines of Pacifist Aggression are meant to be used in staged competitions of combat prowess. Swashbuckling, a combat art unlike any other, incorporates weapons and hand to hand combat. It takes its lead from fencing, aikido, boxing, and goes farther; creating a competition in which both opponents are obligated to perform to their best to better the group.

Will you be working with any organizations/non-profits/companies to carry out your proposal?
The Bemidji Swashbucklers Guild is a non-profit learning institution recognized by the Secretary of State of Minnesota. The vision of the Guild is to provide the greatest historical martial education in the world. But there are many who would benefit fro this training and free classes will be offered to all of them. The Boys and Girls Club, The Women's Shelter, Boyscouts and Girlscouts of America unite, and pick up that sword! The most integral organization to the entire process is Bemidji State University, who will provide assistance in design of safe and effective weaponry and armor.

What is your budget? (Please list major expenses such as plane fare and transportation costs, room and board, activities, health insurance.) If you will need additional funding outside of the DTRW fellowship, how do you plan on obtaining it?
I require $200 a pupil for the first ten. That will be $2,000 to cover the expense of uniforms and two swords. You only require two swords to teach. With $500 I will secure and maintain my nonprofit status to ensure that someone will never have to pay to learn, or at the very least their expenses will be tax deductible. $1,500 will be used in attorney fees to finalize the certification of The Adventurers Contract, a contract that utilities concepts like Inevitable Death and Dismemberment, Full Disclosure, and Next of Kin. This binding contract will be the building block for teaching, preparing, and protecting my 1,000 swordsman army.

If your proposed adventure will take place in a foreign country, what paperwork/visas will you need to obtain? What other logistics will you need to take care of?
We won't be going into any countries until there is at least 1,000 of us.

Name something that could go wrong and how you would handle it.
In a master plan so developed there are still unknown variables. What if the army rebels? What if you are betrayed and killed? What if your original vision becomes co opted by reality television? What if Wyoming explodes? What if I forget the swords? What if this entire plan is doomed from the get go? What if I suffer from delusions of mediocrity? What happens if no one cares? What happens if I am eaten by a tiger shark at Sea World? What I will tell you is this; I am ready for any of it. That's what being a man of action is all about. Never hesitating. Never back down. Rail against the chaos with every ounce of your patience and will and be as a leaf on the wind. If the wind will not bend to your will then you must learn to ride it.

What skills or experiences make you the right person to make your proposal a reality?
I have always had a passion for swordplay. There is a singular fascination that every human shares with its simplicity. Second to the rock it is the first weapon. When man decided to make a knife so large that its only reason to exist is to deal death. It is an ancient power that has been used and abused for thousands of years. I seek to master that power. Every tool can become a weapon, and likewise I believe a weapon can be used as a tool. A tool of learning. I wish to teach inner power. Self respect. I want to show everyone that they have within them a hero straining to get out. I have studies the arts of fencing and broadsword in New York. Since I have yearned to develop my own style. My own art.

Do you think your project will make a positive impact on the world?
When I have built it. When the army is complete and I am satisfied that they are righteous, then we will set about the task of saving the world. It is an army designed to end war based on one principal; The perfect warrior is not one who kills an enemy, but rather one perfect enough to make them their brother. Imagine an army of heroes trained to save lives set loose on the world. Backed by the industry and alacrity of a new age they would be charged with feeding and protecting the children of the world and guiding them into the bright sustainable future. The army will exist until their work is done, and then their swords will be plowshares.

What makes your project unique and how is it different from the projects we’ve selected in the past?
It is unique in that it has never been done before. Surely a thousand score warmongers and gang bosses have aligned the desperate and depraved to their goals, and still more thousands have preached peace and brotherhood behind the sure walls of a church, but rare and few are the men who would raise an army for peace. Few are the men who have a legitimate plan to save the world. I believe that none of your projects have ever called for such adventure.


Duke said…
“…whose sole purpose was to save lives instead of taken them. Swashbucklers and Samurai. Ninja and Pirates…” That just cracks me up. Actually you could probably adjust this whole thing to be pretty hilarious. It’s got an almost Sedaris style tongue-in-cheek lunacy to it now, but I’m sure your tongue is not in your cheek, but rather busy trying to lick the last of the Miracle Whip out of the jar. BURN!

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