Q-Overlord Q Declares Self Time Messiah, Announces 2024 Presidential Run
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Bemidji, MN – In a midnight speech given to a small crowd of onlookers, Q-Overlord Q of the Church of Q declared himself “The Time Messiah” before announcing a 2024 bid for president.
“Our lives are full of peril and tragedy and loss, but this loss is not without cause, and those we have lost can be saved. I am in passive communication with the future and have been informed that on New Year’s Eve 2035 we will be led 1,000 years into the future to an Earth free of poverty, war, and disease. There, the extracted of the past will live long and prosperous lives on the many worlds we will have responsibly colonized within and beyond our solar system. Look to your dreams and into your hearts and hear the glorious truths I share with you all. I have seen the future, a vision of a distant landscape with a massive ship rising into the horizon. If we can set aside our hatred, fear, and ignorance, we may all yet survive and escape our imagined notions of possible and reconcile the most dire evils of humanity through our highest achievement: control over both space and time. Together we can save the future. Together we can resurrect the past. Together we can unite to seize our present. Presents.”
Following a round of scattered applause, Q continued.
“For long I have lived among you, guarding these unbelievable truths as a terrible burden. Like Jeremiah of the Bible, my visions terrified me from doing what was asked. But like Jeremiah the time for fear is no more. Our planet is not a doomed Jerusalem before the hordes of Babylon. We are Scrooge McDuck on Christmas morning. We can save Tiny Tim, unshackle our minds, and defeat brain death. All is possible with enough ratings and money. We are committed to assuring all of this occurs and more importantly that Donald Trump does not receive the GOP nomination.”
Q then went on to explain how everyone should have read “The Book of Q” when they had a chance and that a third edition was coming soon. After taking a few brief questions he then escaped into the woods and beyond.
The Church of Q