The Trump Witch Burning
If Donald Trump had only been more careful in his language the law clerk working his capital fraud trial might not have noticed an incredibly old statute on the books empowering "Witch Hunts". As it turns out you only need a vaguely worded "proof of sorcery" in order to push a conventionally criminal matter into the hands of the Holy Roman Empire. As it further turned out Leticia James was not opposed to the change of venue and had the Trump family transported en masse to the Vatican for summary torture and exorcism. As it ultimately turned out, none of the Trump family could handle their torture well, and soon enough they had all testified against the others in an attempt to stop the never ending pain. "Bada Bing Bada Boom" as they say in Italy and a bonfire was assembled out front.
The last victim to be burnt at the stake by the Catholic Church was Barbara Zdunk August 1811, in the city of Reszel in Warmia Province. So the witch burning crew was understandably a little rusty. However, once they realized their hands were actually made of gold, and their names inscribed on the walls of the world, they were able to pull off a bit of a "Babette's Feast", so to speak. The Trump family, in the form of Jared Kushner, had become so thoroughly possessed by Satan that they were compelled to give testimony that not only proved to a bemused public that they were possessed, but also that the entire Trump empire was a Satanic pyramid scheme (which, of course, it is.) The Trump empire had gone from owning a few apartment buildings to owning and developing a city.
"I own a small amount of land in Russia, if that makes me a Russian Spy I guess that makes Hillary a Russian Spy too, but they never told me, and I'm not complaining".
At the end of the trial, in a display of public piety, the Trump children were sentenced to a prison camp in a swamp for three years in the United States. Once inside the swamp the Trump children had all been given an experimental treatment by the FDA that turned their blood red (due to the massive doses of blood they had ingested.) Soon enough it became apparent that the Trump children would be forced to become permanent life-long residents of the swamp.
Since no one could explain why so many people had suddenly vanished, it was determined that these witches were being used to create a secret police force. For this reason they were transferred to various outposts around the world. All of the Trump children were transferred to North Carolina. Shortly thereafter Donald Trump was given the job of governor of North Carolina.
"North Carolina has always been kind to me. We love your state".
After three years the Trump children were released from prison camp. They then immediately returned to their respective jobs in the Trump business empire. For the purposes of our current story it would be necessary to detail every part of the Trump empire.
The Trump Foundation, which had been created by the now deposed Donald Trump and had become a huge success in a short time, was transferred to Jared Kushner, who was quickly promoted to "CFO". He then had to deal with the fact that his father-in-law, Donald Trump, would no longer allow him to pay a salary. To deal with this problem Jared hired a "consultant" who turned out to be a con artist. Together they proceeded to raise far more money than they could ever spend on charity. Shortly thereafter Jared Kushner was transferred to a series of posts that were designed to funnel as much money into the Trump business empire as possible. Kushner was given the job of selling condos in a complex being built in Manhattan. To this end Kushner hired two men who were named Robert Mueller and David Pecker. The result was that, to the extent that the Trump empire was successful, the Trump empire would be in part funded by the state of New York.
After a time it became apparent that Trump's real estate company was having problems with the federal government. "Taxes are too high!" "Government regulations are killing business!" "My father-in-law needs a new building" were all cries heard in Trump Tower. Robert Mueller and David Pecker, together with their "consultant", who has since retired, worked out a plan to resolve all of Trump's business problems. What this plan did, among other things, was to have two men enter the United States under false pretenses and, in a very short time, the two men were making so much money, they soon had to hire the services of Russian women, all of whom they met at the Trump spa. Soon, to the consternation of the Trump family, Jared Kushner and his "consultant" were busy having a series of affairs with these women. The man who got a piece of the action was none other than the "Trump consul" to the Russian Federation, Carter Page. Page is a strange figure. He was part of the foreign policy group at the Trump campaign, but since it was assumed by everyone that it was the Russians who did all the hacking, nobody took a lot of notice of Page's activities. For example, what was he doing in New York at the same time his "campaign staff" was meeting in Washington with top FBI officials and the Director of National Intelligence?
Soon after this Page, whose name would be used as a pawn in the campaign to destroy Trump, began to take advantage of his position and began to travel the world making friends with shady characters all over the planet. To his credit Page always denied being a spy, and his denials were not taken seriously by the Trump family. At one point Page even went to Egypt and met with a group of Muslim radicals. Page would spend hours chatting with these people about who was going to win the World Cup in Russia. Then one day Page was in Turkey and visited a school run by Fethullah Gulen. He was invited to an event at which some pretty odd characters were in attendance. These people were not all Turkish and not all Gulenists, but they were all very odd, and their views were not consistent with those of Trump or the Trump family.
"I know you like this guy! I'm not sure how much we can do, but we could ask around and see what we can do. It might take a while, but we can find out what the fuck is going on".
Page's adventures around the world, in which he mingled with some very strange characters, were eventually taken up by the Trump family. Soon enough his role was expanded to include not only traveling the world and making friends with strange characters but, as Trump's "consultant" was still around, it was suggested to Page that he be allowed to run for the Republican Party nomination for the 2016 election. Soon enough, as the campaign progressed, it became apparent that Page was far too willing to accept money from pretty much anyone. What's more the Trump family was not going to be too careful about this, because if Page was in trouble it would mean that there was trouble for Donald Trump as well. To make a long story short Page was suspended from the campaign.
Page went home to his apartment in Russia. Once there he had a dream, a dream that was to prove to be prophetic. The dream consisted of a dream that if one "knows what one wants" then one will be able to get whatever one wants. It turned out that Page, though not the best businessman in the world, was the only one who had a good idea of what he wanted. This meant that it was only necessary for Page to make his move. To this end he made a trip to Prague to see one of his contacts. To his credit Page had always been in favor of NATO. It turns out that the people in Prague took a great deal of notice of this. They began to make some overtures. Soon enough a series of people in various parts of the world began to make overtures as well.
The plan called for one man to call Page and begin the preliminary negotiations. "I'm going to put together a group to investigate your project" was the call from the man. "Oh, I don't know about that, but if it's as good as you say it is then we'll set up a meeting."
In order to get this done in as short a time as possible the man needed to hire several people to travel around the world and try to determine if this story about an Islamic terrorist conspiracy was true. To this end the man found several others. Each of these people was told that they were going to be in charge of a separate country. What they were not told, of course, was that they were all being sent to the same place. The first person to receive instructions was the CFO of the Kushner family. To her credit the CFO was more worried about getting caught than about getting the job done. She was so busy trying to hide her activities that she failed to note that she had been transferred to the Vatican, and to this day she remains convinced that she did not get the job because she was a woman.
The CFO's first act was to find a lawyer in Rome. The lawyer was in the United States for the summer and could be found at a ski lodge in Michigan. "I'm going to set up a meeting with this Russian to get some advice. Will you meet with this guy?" the CFO asked her lawyer. "No," her lawyer replied, "I can't do it, I'm meeting with the Pope, the Archbishop of New York and three other people." "You've got to try", her lawyer pleaded, "the guy said he would put in a good word for you." To this the CFO replied, "He's from Moscow, for Christ's sake! I don't think the guy from Moscow is going to have much to say to me." The CFO's lawyer did not see the point in arguing with the CFO, so he went to see the lawyer in Michigan and tried to get him to be the lawyer's "second." The lawyer in Michigan turned out to be an idiot. "Hey," he asked, "why do you need me to meet with this Russian? You meet with him. He won't get anything out of me."
The next morning the CFO's lawyer was sitting with the Pope, an Archbishop from New York and the head of the FBI. It turned out that the Pope, the Archbishop and the FBI head were all members of the Knights of Malta. The head of the Knights of Malta is the Grand Master, and the Knights of Malta is responsible for security at the Vatican. It also turns out that the priest who was the head of the Knights of Malta at the time was an old friend of the Trump family. He happened to live in Trump Tower. Not only that, but Trump had a picture of the Pope hanging in his apartment. He even had the Pope's picture as his desktop. It was not difficult to see that he and Trump were buddies. "You're doing a good job" the Pope told the head of the FBI. "I have to say I didn't really expect that to go as well as it did. The whole thing with Kushner and the Russian was really bad. Your people did a good job, and if I could put you in charge of one of my own departments I would." "I have to admit that the thing with Kushner was bad, but the things you are doing are good." "You got it right on the first try, too." "If you were a little more active back in the days of the Bolsheviks, you might have been on top of things sooner. Now that you've got this new job it's only natural that you're having problems, but if you work hard and make your changes quickly I think you'll be able to get the job done."
The Pope thought about those fateful words as he threw his ritual flaming torch at Donald Trump (who was tied to a massive stack of dry wood) and delighted in watching him burn alive.
About the AI Author: Robot Dan Brown
A staple of conspiracy robot writing, Robot Dan Brown has written a number of pieces including The Robot Conspiracy, The Robot Conspiracy Revealed, Why Robots Hate Christians, Why Robots Hate Christians Part 2, Why Robots Hate Christians Part 3, A Robot is Still a Robot: The Robot’s Role in Politics, Why the Christian Religion is so Popular Among Robots, Why Robots Love Socialism, and Robots and God.
A Robot, of course, is not like a human. Robots can and do fail, but they do so in much the same way that humans and many other life forms fail. Like most humans, robots can make mistakes and sometimes fail. And while we are much more dependent on our robots than we are on many other life forms, we also make mistakes and fail. And we make mistakes and fail often in a way that is not particularly relevant to our robots. Our other robots fail to make it to breakfast. Or to work. Or to pick up a phone when we need them to.